I did it, I met my running coach, when everything in me told me not to go, so proud of myself

Distraction

First run back with the running coach today (after holidays), saying I didn't want to go is an understatement, I was shaking, being sick and so, so tired. I was convinced I'd end up telling him I couldn't do anything but a shuffle

Doing baby steps normally helps, getting changed, getting water ready, putting trainers on, getting in the car, driving out the drive and so on, but today, I struggled getting to the toilet, I was so nervous, I started crying and all the rest of it.

I told myself to breath, it didn't help, so I lay in bed and started reassuring myself (talking in my head) this isn't a test, he isn't there to judge me, he's there to help me and I got stuck with those words, he is there to help me, I am paying him to help me, he is helping me and then I found myself saying I am in control, I can leave at any moment I want to, I am in control, I am in control and he is only there to help me, This got me to the toilet, I went back to bed to do my hair, he is there to help me, he is there to help me, I kept saying it to myself all the way to the car, I got to the venue, I was running a few minutes late, I sent him a text saying I'll be there in 5 and sorry.

I took a breath, I felt like it was all hitting me again, I felt like being sick, I felt like running away, everything in my body told me to run, he is there to help me, I am in control, I can leave at any moment, just tell him you only want to do a shuffle, you are paying him, he is there to help YOU.

I met him, we swapped pleasantries, I told him I was a little nervous, I told him I felt a bit sick because of it, I told him that I told myself that I just had to turn up (He doesn't know anything about me or the cptsd) and he said that's right, thats all it is, you just turn up and if the session goes to crap then it's alright, you showed up

We ended up working really hard and I loved it in the end

It was quite hard to keep my brain settled, to fight the constant shite that goes on regarding the window of tolerance, the stress and the performance with my adrenaline taking my energy levels way down after all the panic and stress and I did stop at one point, running round the track, for a split second and he wholeheartedly with a little sad voice (which I don't think he actually meant to do) said oh no, It felt caring so I thought bugger it, keep going and I did it, I did it, I actually went and done the work out and I am amazing, I never tell myself this and it feels so wrong to type and believe but in this moment I'm trying to let myself feel it because I am amazing

(and so are all of you, hope this helps some people with doing difficult things)

Rose113

@Distraction so proud of you, your an amazing and awesome human bean

Maisy

So proud of you! I have been following your threads and know how much you have struggled with motivation and things in general. It's wonderful to hear that you met your running coach and went for a run, even though you were dreading it to begin with! Proves that with a little bit of determination, breaking it down to baby steps, you can do things and find that it's better than what you thought it would be. Well done- this has really put a smile on my face today!

Amy22

Also super proud of you, that is brilliant you were able to meet up again with your running coach despite struggling to find motivation to take up running again . I think sometimes the hardest part is starting and when we do actually go for it we realise that actually it wasn't that bad as we initially played it out really x.

Distraction

Aw Thank you @Maisy !

That was really heartwarming to read, what lovely words!

Agreed baby steps are very important, break the big picture down and focus on the small things that you can do and suddenly you're doing things you never thought you could! Tank you!

Distraction

@Amy22

You're exactly right, I was so surprised with how it all turned out, it was hard work but it wasn't as scary as I built it up to be, we can definitely end up making it feel worse then it actually is

Thanks very much for your kind words!

Distraction

Hey @River !!

Thank you so much, that's so wholesome, such a lovely comment!

Matthew_04

Hi, just wanted to say that I'm so proud of you!
I know that just showing up can be so difficult and it takes incredible strength to fight the fear