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Hopeless ramble
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 1,926 Extreme Poster
Hello there. I haven't posted a very long ramble in a while now (and by 'a while' I mean not even a month lol), so here you go cause I'm feeling extra sad right now.
I'm genuinely worried about my future, but not in a 'something bad will happen' way but more like the things and opportunities I'll miss. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past but I just didn't know better at the time. And I've wasted a LOT of time, a LOT of opportunities and experiences. I really don't want that happening any more, yet I don't see it being any different.
I want to talk about a couple of different topics so I'll split this post into several parts, cause I'm expecting it to be long. And if I say its gonna be long then it is going to be longggg.
My people
I've never had a friend, and I mean a real friend. Not even one. No one to want to spend time with, no one that I can be excited to visit. No one who I'm constantly messaging day and night, anticipating every message. No one to vent to, and go for a hug when things are low.
I genuinely can't imagine finding 'my people'. Like where are they, where do I even find them? I don't even know what 'my people' would even look like. I'm convinced the perfect friend that I'm imagining doesn't exist, it would be extremely lucky to ever meet such person.
I can try to get along with anyone, just to have some sort of friend. But even then there aren't such people. I have so many people I know online, so many 'friends' from uni. Yet none of them feel like a real friend, nor ever having the possibility of being a real friend. Everyone I ever known feels so fake, so robotic. It feels like people don't care, and don't want to care. It feels like people don't want friendships, yet somehow everyone has them. Like where the frick do they even come from??
Idk maybe I'm just unlikable. Maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. But I don't have time to be going out to random events where I struggle to get any word out of my mouth and end up going home all miserable and depressed telling myself I'm never going to any event again.
Relationships
Not something I talked about much during my time on the mix, beside mentioning I've never been in a relationship. This takes most of the points from the section above and cranks them up x10. Like if I can't find a normal friend then how on earth a relationship??
I know I'm only 21, yet I feel like I'm too late for a decent relationship (also I will be generalising a lot so no offence to anyone here). It feels like all the nice, caring, understanding people at my age are already taken, cause why wouldn't they be? I have only one life, I want a relationship that I feel comfortable and good with, not just any I can somehow find. Yet that feels impossible and that it'll never happen. I'm not gonna have a random person come out of the ground one day and say "I have been waiting all my life for you, you are perfect". Cause I'm not perfect, I have a lot of flaws and I know I'll require a lot of care, understanding, and time. I know there are many much better people to be in a relationship with instead of me, so I assume most lovely people capable of being such a good partner to me are already in a relationship with someone else. These are just my thoughts btw, I clearly don't know anything about how relationships work lol. Also I hope I'm making any sense here and not just rambling nonsense.
I keep worrying that in order to have a nice relationship I have to find one now. For the reasons above, and for the fact that right now I have the most opportunities to meet new people my age, with how much opportunities uni brings itself. It makes me sad thinking that once I leave uni (and I'm on my final year), I will never again have the opportunity to be with so many people my age in one place. I genuinely wish I started joining societies and clubs much much sooner in my life, if I could tell my past self one thing it would be this, to stop wasting time and take every opportunity I'm given.
Study and work
And speaking of leaving uni. I'm struggling in uni so much right now. I can't concentrate or keep up with work, I don't feel interested anymore in what I'm studying and I'm not motivated enough to continue. With how much I'm struggling I'm shit scared of finishing this study year and starting a job, it feels completely impossible for me. All the pressure I will be put under with little to no margin for error. Like I won't be able to extend my time again and again when I need, its gonna be much more complicated and much more will be required from me in a shorter amount of time.
And this isn't even mentioning that I can't imagine doing what I do for the rest of my life, it seems absolutely miserable. I wish I chose a subject that I was more interested in, and I hate how long it took me to realise how much I hate this one.
Health
Yea this one is serious, but there isn't much to be said so I'll keep it brief. My health is bad, like really bad. Everyone is telling me to start exercising, going for walks at least, but I'm just not doing it. I'm really worried that my health is reaching the point where its unfixable, and I will never be fit for example There is definitely one thing that I won't be able to fix anymore, which I wont talk about cause theres no point. But yea, I hate feeling so weak and like my body is about to fall apart any moment. I think I was very lucky to be born with a really great body but I kinda just messed it all up.
Living in another country
Final thing I want to talk about for now, relating to the other topics above. I can't imagine living in this country (UK) for the rest of my life, I'll be honest, I hate it here. I've lived here for most of my life, I've studied only here. Yet I never felt like home in this country. I don't have family here beside the one I live with, I have nothing holding me here beside studies. I want to move out of here as soon as possible.
Now, what happens if I find decent friends, heaven forbid a relationship, a job? Moving would mean starting all the way from scratch, losing pretty much everything. So what, do I not look for friendships? Is it pointless looking for friendships that I'm probably gonna lose soon anyways?
Or do I start looking for clubs and societies where I want to move to? So when I finally move I won't be left all by myself. But how would I even do that while not being there? I really don't know how to approach this whole situation.
So yea thats about it for now. I'm just stuck, feeling extremely hopeless, depressed, and paralysed right now. And I feel like a horrible person too for feeling jealous of other people, the things they have and all they're accomplishing and experiencing. It feels like I'll get nowhere in this life. Its all just too much for me.
This might be one of my most serious and vulnerable posts so far. I'm really anxious about posting this, and having this stuff on the internet for everyone to see. But I have nothing to lose, plus this community has been super helpful and nice to me so I trust it way more than I probably should. Also I know I missed stuff out that I wanted to talk about but if I remember then I'll just add them. Sorry if I said something weird or wrong btw.
Sending big hugs
I'm genuinely worried about my future, but not in a 'something bad will happen' way but more like the things and opportunities I'll miss. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past but I just didn't know better at the time. And I've wasted a LOT of time, a LOT of opportunities and experiences. I really don't want that happening any more, yet I don't see it being any different.
I want to talk about a couple of different topics so I'll split this post into several parts, cause I'm expecting it to be long. And if I say its gonna be long then it is going to be longggg.
My people
I've never had a friend, and I mean a real friend. Not even one. No one to want to spend time with, no one that I can be excited to visit. No one who I'm constantly messaging day and night, anticipating every message. No one to vent to, and go for a hug when things are low.
I genuinely can't imagine finding 'my people'. Like where are they, where do I even find them? I don't even know what 'my people' would even look like. I'm convinced the perfect friend that I'm imagining doesn't exist, it would be extremely lucky to ever meet such person.
I can try to get along with anyone, just to have some sort of friend. But even then there aren't such people. I have so many people I know online, so many 'friends' from uni. Yet none of them feel like a real friend, nor ever having the possibility of being a real friend. Everyone I ever known feels so fake, so robotic. It feels like people don't care, and don't want to care. It feels like people don't want friendships, yet somehow everyone has them. Like where the frick do they even come from??
Idk maybe I'm just unlikable. Maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. But I don't have time to be going out to random events where I struggle to get any word out of my mouth and end up going home all miserable and depressed telling myself I'm never going to any event again.
Relationships
Not something I talked about much during my time on the mix, beside mentioning I've never been in a relationship. This takes most of the points from the section above and cranks them up x10. Like if I can't find a normal friend then how on earth a relationship??
I know I'm only 21, yet I feel like I'm too late for a decent relationship (also I will be generalising a lot so no offence to anyone here). It feels like all the nice, caring, understanding people at my age are already taken, cause why wouldn't they be? I have only one life, I want a relationship that I feel comfortable and good with, not just any I can somehow find. Yet that feels impossible and that it'll never happen. I'm not gonna have a random person come out of the ground one day and say "I have been waiting all my life for you, you are perfect". Cause I'm not perfect, I have a lot of flaws and I know I'll require a lot of care, understanding, and time. I know there are many much better people to be in a relationship with instead of me, so I assume most lovely people capable of being such a good partner to me are already in a relationship with someone else. These are just my thoughts btw, I clearly don't know anything about how relationships work lol. Also I hope I'm making any sense here and not just rambling nonsense.
I keep worrying that in order to have a nice relationship I have to find one now. For the reasons above, and for the fact that right now I have the most opportunities to meet new people my age, with how much opportunities uni brings itself. It makes me sad thinking that once I leave uni (and I'm on my final year), I will never again have the opportunity to be with so many people my age in one place. I genuinely wish I started joining societies and clubs much much sooner in my life, if I could tell my past self one thing it would be this, to stop wasting time and take every opportunity I'm given.
Study and work
And speaking of leaving uni. I'm struggling in uni so much right now. I can't concentrate or keep up with work, I don't feel interested anymore in what I'm studying and I'm not motivated enough to continue. With how much I'm struggling I'm shit scared of finishing this study year and starting a job, it feels completely impossible for me. All the pressure I will be put under with little to no margin for error. Like I won't be able to extend my time again and again when I need, its gonna be much more complicated and much more will be required from me in a shorter amount of time.
And this isn't even mentioning that I can't imagine doing what I do for the rest of my life, it seems absolutely miserable. I wish I chose a subject that I was more interested in, and I hate how long it took me to realise how much I hate this one.
Health
Yea this one is serious, but there isn't much to be said so I'll keep it brief. My health is bad, like really bad. Everyone is telling me to start exercising, going for walks at least, but I'm just not doing it. I'm really worried that my health is reaching the point where its unfixable, and I will never be fit for example There is definitely one thing that I won't be able to fix anymore, which I wont talk about cause theres no point. But yea, I hate feeling so weak and like my body is about to fall apart any moment. I think I was very lucky to be born with a really great body but I kinda just messed it all up.
Living in another country
Final thing I want to talk about for now, relating to the other topics above. I can't imagine living in this country (UK) for the rest of my life, I'll be honest, I hate it here. I've lived here for most of my life, I've studied only here. Yet I never felt like home in this country. I don't have family here beside the one I live with, I have nothing holding me here beside studies. I want to move out of here as soon as possible.
Now, what happens if I find decent friends, heaven forbid a relationship, a job? Moving would mean starting all the way from scratch, losing pretty much everything. So what, do I not look for friendships? Is it pointless looking for friendships that I'm probably gonna lose soon anyways?
Or do I start looking for clubs and societies where I want to move to? So when I finally move I won't be left all by myself. But how would I even do that while not being there? I really don't know how to approach this whole situation.
So yea thats about it for now. I'm just stuck, feeling extremely hopeless, depressed, and paralysed right now. And I feel like a horrible person too for feeling jealous of other people, the things they have and all they're accomplishing and experiencing. It feels like I'll get nowhere in this life. Its all just too much for me.
This might be one of my most serious and vulnerable posts so far. I'm really anxious about posting this, and having this stuff on the internet for everyone to see. But I have nothing to lose, plus this community has been super helpful and nice to me so I trust it way more than I probably should. Also I know I missed stuff out that I wanted to talk about but if I remember then I'll just add them. Sorry if I said something weird or wrong btw.
Sending big hugs
Believe in me - who believes in you
5
Comments
Thank you for sharing all that. I can relate to bits of what you’ve said and it helps me. Like these are real struggles people can have and it’s not just me. So thank you
This is a kind of chaotic reply and doesn’t address everything you’ve said but I still want to try and make you feel at least a little bit better.
I can relate to the things you’ve said about friendships. I think you’re supposed to go to clubs or events and stuff to meet people with similar interests, but to me that sounds terrifying lol. And I’m not sure where you go from there either, sorry. I think it’s harder to make friends nowadays in general. My teacher always says I’ll one day find my people, and you reminded me of that. I don’t know how you’re supposed to meet them. You’re not alone in that at least. I suppose you can have online friends but I know that’s not the same. (I don’t think you’re unlikeable, you seem lovely!)
I don’t know what’s up with your health but I feel like it’s so hard to get the motivation to do ‘healthy’ things like exercising etc. Could you make it part of your routine? Like going for a walk every day at 7pm or something. You could find like an app to keep track of it? (I don’t exercise at all so I don’t speak from experience there.😅) You say there’s something you won’t be able to fix anymore? Do you need help with it? There’s still a point in trying to get help. Does your doctor know all this? Don’t give up!!
It’s not horrible to be jealous of people - it makes total sense if they’re doing things you wish you could do. But remember you are still young and there’s plenty of time for you to do things. You’re still allowed to be jealous though - feeling that doesn’t make you a bad person
I’m not sure what else to say, I don’t know how to help you because it’s so hard trying to navigate the world. Life is so complicated for no reason lol. But I think just try not to focus on the attitude that your life is ruined - you can still turn things around. You could move to another country and maybe the social dynamic will be different in a way that makes it easier to find friends. I think it’s still worth trying to find friends here, because after all you could still keep in touch online or whatever. Unless you’d be really bothered about not seeing them and losing that progress. You could even use it as a trial run to experiment and just see what happens. If you plan on moving elsewhere then it might make it easier if you’re never going to see the people again - less anxiety maybe?
And just because you picked a certain subject to study at uni, that doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it for the rest of your life. I’m not sure of the logistics of it all but it’s technically possible to go back to uni and/or do something completely different. I have no experience beyond school so I’m not of much use here, sorry about that. It sounds like you’re at quite an overwhelming point in your life right now too, with being in your last year of uni and thinking about the future. That might be part of the reason you’re feeling so rubbish? I doubt you’ll feel this way forever.
I really hope everything works out for you soon. (And I hope someone else comes along here to give you some decent advice XD)
Sending big hugs back to you
I just wanted to jump in here and say well done for being so vulnerable and sharing what's on your mind at the moment. I know how scary it is, and it takes immense courage to do this. I also know you won't be the only person going through this.
It's really common to worry about everything at this stage of life, finishing uni (or any big transition in life) is daunting, and evaluating your whole life is a pretty normal response. We hear this a lot, from lots of people. Because of this, I'm sure that your post, your bravery, and your vulnerability will be a comfort to others.
I'm not going to reply to every aspect of your message, as there's a lot there, but it might be helpful to know that coming into my last year of study I remember losing interest too and just wanting it to be over. Lots of my friends went through this as well. It's intense studying one thing for so long.
The working world is so wide, and there are so many different paths you can take, as @AnonymousToe said, you're not stuck with the subject you studied forever. There is so much to learn and do out there. I'm sure you'll find something you're passionate about.
I hope you found writing this all out helpful, you're not alone in this at all
Italia.
“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
- Brene Brown
Right, I felt the same before I joined the mix. I havent realised how much I was actually struggling before. Cause I know you said that you feel like your struggles aren't as bad as other peoples and you don't need support as much, which I don't think is true. Your struggles (big or small) are as important to you as other people's struggles are to them. Glad my post could help even if just a bit
Its sad that you relate but also nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this
You also have social anxiety right? Its so debilitating when you want to meet new people but are simultaneously afraid of doing so, for whatever reason. Like every time I come across another human being my body is just like "AAAAHH" and I'm like "WTF are you so scared of??"
I've heard that the best way to beat social anxiety is actually just putting yourself out there more and more until is starts feeling normal again, but that feels impossible because of said anxiety! And at a point you just end up completely stuck cause the anxiety has gotten so bad.
I mean thats the point, its easy to tell myself 'I need to start exercising' but actually doing it is a different story. I've not tried any apps but I doubt I'll be listening to an app when I can't even listen to myself lol.
I know, thats what everyone says. But looking at how the past 20 years of my life went by, I genuinely don't expect to achieve much in my life. I still can't believe I'm already 21... with how little I've done I feel like I'm still 10
Thats a really good point actually! I could take it all less seriously. And even if those friendships won't last, I surely would have learnt something from them and be more prepared for the next ones.
Thank you so much!
Hi @Italia thank you so much for your response too.
I have no idea how to find that though. Theres just so many options and things to go for and do that it feels extremely daunting even looking for those options. Plus I wouldn't want to make any stupid mistakes. I feel like in order to live a normal happy life I'd have to have someone constantly supervising everything I do and giving advice on what I should and shouldnt do, for the rest of my life. And I'm not sure anyone would want to take up that role xD
Hugs
about 'your people' i get everything youre saying. again, im alesys here for u. ik it isn't the same as someone irl but if u just want someone to chat to then I'm here! we can talk about music or anything. i hope i don't feel fake/robotic 😭 ive said this to u a lot and I'll say it again, you WILL find 'your people'. ik it feels hopeless but you're a super cool person and there are so many people out there who feel the same way as u and who are just like you so it's kinda impossible for u to not make some amazing friends at some point. ik its hard to be patient and hopeful, i can literally feel ur hopelessness just reading what yoive written but youve come so far and u can keep going. you'll find them someday, i know u will.
ALSO YOJRE NOT UNLIKEABLE AT ALL!! and im not just saying that, you genuinely are a really lovely person and I'm glad we came across each other.
as for relationships, i know this sounds cliche but i think you should love yourself and be comfortable being with yourself before you can worru about anyone else. as u know loneliness was a big big factor of my depression for ages and i think the relationship im in now has become unhealthy partially becquse i wasnt in a place where i could be happy on my own before the relatiomship. and i didnt love myself. i feel like being in a relationship is sonmuch harder than i couldve anticipated. im not suggesting you love yourself so youre like 'im perfect!! i have no flaws!!' becwuse thats stupid and unrealistic. i just think it would make more sense for you to be able to comfortably take care of yourself before you can worry about someone else.
i get it though. yk how much of a hopeless romantic i am. sometimes im scared im going to be alone forever. i think thats part of why im too scared to end the unhealthy relationship im in rn. what if i dont find someone else and i end up alone forever? anyway this isnt about me lol im waffling now.
also, please stop beating yourself up about wasting time. ive spent hours and hours and hours being mad at myself for things ive done in the past and IT DOESNT HELP!! over the past year ive become a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. maybe its not true but thinking like that means i beat myself up over things a lot less and i dwell over mistakes less. whether things happen for a reason or not u cant change the past so thinking about the missed opportunities is just not helpful, try to redirect your thiughts to the future and not in a 'MY FUTUR3 IS HOPELSS' way but in a 'i have so many opportunities waiting for me in the future' way (ik its easier saidthan done but yeah).
im worried everuthing im saying is just a shit ton of ramble and that I'm making no sense so I'm just gonna stop there lol. but again, im sending u lots of hugs !! im always here
Thanks for replying, your response really made me smile
That's not what I meant. I mean people irl. You are still pretty much a stranger from the internet, I'm sorry if that sounds bad. Like I can't consider you or anyone here a 'real' friend to me, no matter how much we talk, online friendships seem so lonely to me. I still seriously appreciate every single person here though. I hope this makes sense. As much as I prefer everything online, I'm just longing for this real friendship in person, someone who I can actually hug in person and not just say 'hug' to them through text.
But then everyone I know in person feels fake and robotic, so careless about anything. Which is kinda funny cause I assume many of those people would be much nicer on the internet. Just like how I'm almost an entirely different person online vs irl.
Or maybe I just have very high expectations and want to have perfect friends idk.
Out where?? I don't know where 'where' is. Even if there are people I might really get along with, I don't see a way of ever coming across them. It really does feel hopeless, and no amount of capitalising the word 'will' is going to change that. There really is no proof that I can ever not be lonely, which is such a sad thought. That no matter how hopeful I can get, things will always turn out their own way.
I didn't say I was, I said 'maybe'. I don't see myself as unlikable, not anymore at least. What I do know is that I need a lot of care and attention(?), that being in a relatonship with me is gonna be hell of a responsibility. If that makes sense.
I know I have to love myself, and tbh I think I've reached that point. Though I believe just accepting yourself for who you are is enough. And even though theres still so many things about myself that I hate, I think thats normal. And honestly I believe you don't have to fully love every single part of yourself to find love, let the other person do that for you, let them show you how much you are really worth. Cause I think most of my self-love has come through other people, telling me all the nice things about myself, which made me realise I'm not such a bad person after all.
This makes a lot of sense. Though my guess is if I have someone who I have to care for as well, it will give me more reason and motivation to care for myself too, idk. I do realise what I'm saying doesn't really make sense, cause if I do really love myself then why am I struggling to care for myself so much? I feel like most of my love for myself comes through other people.
Again, thanks a lot for the reply. I really appreciate it
Sorry my response is a little messy.
Seems to me from all our conversations so far that you're a really insightful and emotionally intelligent person, and a deep thinker, all of which give you huge strength, even if it feels like they make things harder at the same time! Something that's been said to me a lot in the last few years is to remember that everyone has their own pace, and that just because you may see other people around you at a certain place in life doesn't mean that's where you ought to be, or that everyone around you is necessarily happy and fulfilled in their lives. You may think you're taking 'too long' to mature, perhaps you're just maturing on a deeper level than many, and it takes time. Don't put pressure on yourself to achieve things because you think you should, or give yourself a hard time for not being where you'd like to be - it's only counterproductive in the end anyway. (I know I'm paraphrasing here, sorry if it seems like I'm putting words in your mouth or assuming things!)
You probably know this already from previous conversations but, oh man! I get this
I don't know what's going on with your health but I'm sorry you're not feeling good on that front either, mental health and physical health go very much hand-in-hand. With regards to trying to get yourself to do things, have you ever tried the method of saying 'I'll do this for ten minutes and if I hate it, I give myself full permission to stop'? The thing about it is that sometimes you end up stopping after ten minutes when you just can't face doing any more, but often you naturally want to carry on cos you've got into the flow of it by then - it's a sort of 'hack' that can help you get over the hurdle of getting started on something, if that makes sense. I have terrible trouble getting myself to start anything, but sometimes that method really helps mobilise me when I'm stuck.
I can see that is quite a conundrum for you! All I can think to say is, you never know what's around the corner. I don't think there's any point in not looking for friendships while you're still in the UK, as what's most important is right now. Also what AnonymousToe said about treating it like a trial run is a great idea!
I wish I could give you a real hug, it's all so difficult and confusing as hell right now but you won't feel this way forever. You've already helped me a lot and doubtless lots of others on this forum, and you've got a lot to offer the world, at your own pace. Keep on keeping on
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
That doesn't sound bad and makes total sense. Knowimg people onlime will never compare to irl. And real hugs are without a doubt better than virtual ones lol. But i dont think u have high expectations, it makes sense. I've definitely met people and gottem a kind of robotic vibe from them. I hate when it's just small talk and conversations about the bloody weather. It jusr feels pointless and not like they're a friend but just aomeone who is talking to me because they feel like they have to.
You'll definitely come across some.amazinf people. Look at the luck you've had online coming across me xD cant get luckier than that!! No but seriously youll have thousands of opportunities to meet people. I dont belive in god but sometimes I kind of believe in some sort of power and i believe this power will place people our lives for us, like how my best friend was placed in my life for me and i was placed in her life. yk? i kind of think of it as fate but also not fate because the thoughr of a predestined future is terrifying. anyway, that's totally irrelevant.
as for everything else u said, it makrs total sense and i do agree with you. i dont know what else to say lol, that's pretty much it. and don't worry aboit your reply being messy, my replies always are xD
Really sorry but I'll respond another time, I'm not in the right headspace atm.
Sending big virtual hugs:)
Just wanted to mention this real quick. It does feel like I'm figuring out life atm. But it feels like I should have started doing that years ago, and not at the age of 20... when now I'm on my last year of uni, and I have no idea if I even like the subject anymore. It feels like whoever made all my decisions before the age of 20 wasn't even me.
Sending hugs,
Amy22
Often, I think the education system lets us down a bit. I remember when I was in high school and the focus was on doing well in subjects so you could go on to take them for GCSE and further study. I remember being anxious as the teacher said we need to know before we finish GCSEs whether we are going to go to college, do an apprenticeship or do A-Levels (for those wanting to go on to university). It all seemed really rushed and I just wasn't in the frame of mind to make decisions about my future. I didn't know myself and had little support. It often then feels like you are 'stuck' with whatever you have gone on to study. But this isn't necessarily true. In fact, I know of people who have studied and worked in a particular area for years, and realised it wasn't what they wanted so decided to change jobs. It's okay to change your mind. Maybe you could talk to careers support at university? Or perhaps spend some time thinking about what you actually enjoy, or what interests you, or what you really liked as a child for some inspiration. You can try reading through job profiles, take personality or job quizzes to see if there is anything that might help you find what you want to do. Even though getting a job can seem daunting, it can help to prepare and immerse yourself through reading up about the job, doing volunteering etc., to help you feel a bit more confident. Often anxiety might be related to the fear of the unknown and not really knowing what to expect, so preparing can help to deal with that.
As for friendships and relationships, I'm still trying to figure out that one myself, but I do think that focusing on interests and hobbies and joining things related to that might help a little bit. It's a lot easier to start friendships and relationships with others when you are both already doing something you enjoy and can naturally talk about. I also understand that even though there might be nice, friendly people around that might be a friend, it still doesn't feel like a real friend. For me, I'm more myself with people I 'click' with but unfortunately for me that is very few people. But I have realised that the people I click with, we tend to have similar personalities or similar interests. I also really understand that even though online friendships can help a bit, it's not the same as in person. You deserve to have a relationship with someone who really gets you, rather than just anyone who wants to go out with you. It's okay to want to take full advantage of joining societies in university while you still can and make the most of your time while also not wanting to rush into things. But I really doubt that 'all the good ones are already taken'. You never know, 'the good ones' might be feeling similar to you!
As for your health, change is possible. It might take a while and like life, there may be ups and downs, but it is possible to try to live a healthier life and take care of your body. Even taking a small step, no matter how small, is a step forward in the right direction.
I don't think it's pointless wanting to look into friendships, societies and jobs here in the UK even if you plan on moving abroad. If you don't yet know when you plan on moving then it can still help you- friends might help to motivate you, jobs will give you experience and as it's been mentioned you can think of it as a practice run for when you do move.
Hope this helps a bit and no need to reply if you aren't feeling up to it
@sputnik Hello friend! Thank you so much for the lovely reply!
I understand this, its a very comforting way to think. But the problem is not me putting pressure on myself, its the world putting pressure on me. Like I can't just tell my university that 'I'm slower than others' and let them extend my deadlines till next year. I can't tell all the companies to stop their bills because I'm not ready for work yet (just an example). At this age it feels like theres just so much expected from me, and with how my brain works I just can't handle it all. There was literally a coursework that I completely didn't even attempt cause it was too hard and I knew there was no way I could do it in time. There is another one due tomorrow which i'm also not gonna attempt
I'm sorry
It makes sense. I guess putting unrealistic expectations might be setting yourself up for disappointment when people show up in your life and don't fit all your criteria for your 'dream friend' for example. Also opens the possibility of pushing away genuinely nice people, just because they arent perfect (cause nobody ever will be).
I have not tried that. But I defo see that working. Its just the initial struggle thats the worst, to get yourself to do something in the first place, even if its just for 10 minutes. Will try this for sure!
@Xee You help way more than just a 'tiny bit', you all do! Even if it doesnt seem like it.
Ikr!? Thats exactly how it feels.
True xD
I think 'mysterious man with a beard' must hate me at this point hahah. Or he thinks I'm insanely strong, he's throwing everything at me, yesterday I learnt I probably also have OCD... yay -_-
@Amy22 Thank you!
@Maisy Thank you so so much for all the advice!! Again, I really don't know what else to say. Its comforting to know I'm not alone with all this.
I genuinely appreciate all the replies and support! Big big hugs to you all
Really sorry that you're struggling, you're doing really well ❤️ here to talk any time!
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Not sure. The only way I can think of for now is getting the uni to extend all my deadlines and stuff, but they did that and it still hasn't helped me much. Not exactly sure how I'd explain it all to my gp and get a letter from them. I explained it to my counsellor but she didn't suggest anything like this as an option, just talked through how I can work harder and get more work done
Though I am planning on sending a massive email to my tutor explaining everything in detail, hopefully he can support me in some way.
Again, thank you
The email to your tutor sounds like a really good idea, and definitely worth a go. As you say, putting him in the picture will hopefully help him help you a bit more 👍
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
And yea, I'm terrified at the idea of repeating the year but comforted to know that's an option. I just really want to use it as a last last resort tho.
And speaking of uni, as bad as it sounds (and as bad as I make it sound lol), I will still stand by my word when saying its genuinely the best out of all the places I've been (ie. School, college, etc).
It might sound weird, but if I could I'd happily go through university again. As long as my mental health wasn't fucked this time xD