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How do I stop being asexual???
AnonymousToe
Posts: 2,805 Boards Guru
I’m pretty sure I’m asexual. I’m 18 and I’ve never felt attracted to anyone, I’ve never had a crush and I don’t understand ‘relationships’ at all. It’s just weird. Like there must be something wrong with me. I’ve seen stuff online saying asexuality doesn’t exist. So what the hell am I? I don’t know, and I just wanna be normal. As I get older it’ll be more and more obvious when I’m probably never in a relationship. That’s not normal. I wish it was. I just want to be normal, and I don’t want people to judge me for things I can’t help, you know? So my question is, how do I start feeling attracted to people and start dating and all that when I don’t want to? And why don’t I exist?? 
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Comments
First of all, you do exist! I highly doubt this post was written by a bot.
Second of all, if you don't want to date (which you said you dont) then simply don't date. Nobody should be forcing you, or judging you if you're not dating. And honestly, good for you! That way you can spend that time on stuff that you do want to do.
And finally. Whether asexuality does or doesnt exist shouldn't matter to you. I wouldnt assign labels like that to yourself cause that is what makes you feel less "normal". Look at it more like 'am I attracted to this person or not?' and whether you are or aren't attracted, that's okay.
That is all just my opinions tho, I could be wrong. Maybe it could be you suppressing certain emotions, maybe asexuality is a thing, or maybe you're just being surrounded by crappy people idk. None of these being your fault btw.
You're not weird @AnonymousToe
Sending hugs
That’s helped me, thank you so much
Hi @AnonymousToe it's completely normal to feel like this, there's lots of people in your situation and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you! Firstly asexuality absolutely exists, there is just unfortunately an extra layer of exclusion the community faces, even in the LGBT community. I would try to ignore it as best as you can as these people just aren't educated on the topic and you know yourself best. I'm hearing that you're struggling with your identity a bit as a whole because of suspecting you're asexual, which is understandable as these realisations can feel overwhelming at first, and like a bit of a curve ball.
I'm not sure if you're interested but if you are asexuals can definitely be in relationships, even if they look a bit different. You might want to look into queer platonic relationships if you're interested, which is sort of a relationship that has stronger emotional bonds than a friendship but some aspects of a committed relationship, it varies from person to person. You are normal, it's just you experience the world in a different way.
Unfortunately I can't really answer what your identity or sexuality is for you, but I can definitely provide you with some more information and resources to help you. It's not something you have to label but if it gives you peace of mind then go for it, it can be really helpful to find a community of people that share similar experiences to you! It can be difficult to come to terms with in a world that values love and relationships as an overarching theme in society, but asexuality can help people see things in a different light and appreciate the smaller things. Additionally, asexuality is a spectrum and is defined by the community as little to no sexual attraction to individuals. Having the realisation that you may be asexual opens up many avenues to understand yourself, for example there are many different types of attraction, not just limited to sexual attraction - there's sensual, emotional, aesthetic etc.
I also want to touch on aromanticism is a bit in case you aren't aware of it. Aromanticism is having little to no romantic attraction to other individuals. This sounds like what you're experiencing with crushes so it may be an area worth looking into. I just wanted to mention it as it isn't very well known but it might help explain or even understand your experiences.
Asexuality and aromanticism can be separate orientations, but they can also co exist. There are some people that are only asexual, there are some people that are just aromantic, but there are also some people that are both (aroace)! It may be worth looking into the a-spec community, everyone would be more than happy to provide information and insights.
Unfortunately attraction is something individuals don't have a control over whether it happens, when it happens if it does, or who the person is attracted to, it's just not something that works like that.
In answer to how to start dating when you don't want to, this is something that is completely up to you, but if it's not something that feels right for you, then you simply don't have to! It's okay not to want to date people and despite societal pressures, you don't have to!
I also want to give you some reassurance that you do exist! These feelings can be quite distressing and overwhelming, and it may have just taken you by surprise a bit. You are definitely real. These emotions are important to recognise but it may be worth talking to someone either on here like how you've reached out or in person with a friend or family member. I know it can be scary so take your time and go at your own pace. I also jsut want to say don't be too hard on yourself, navigating this world is a very complicated thing to do, and it does get easier.
In my experience the a-spec community has been so tight-knit and welcoming and it feels lovely to be a part of that. I would highly recommend reading Loveless by Alice Oseman which looks at themes of asexuality and aromanticism through the main protagonist Georgia.
I'm going to add in some resources below but I hope this has helped you, and maybe anyone else on here that is feeling the same way, because I can guarantee you are not alone
https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship
https://oulgbtq.org/acearo-resources.html
https://aromanticism.org/en/resources-1
https://stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/ace-hub
https://asexuality.org/
Don't let people pressure you into dating, sex, relationships etc. you don't want. You'll feel unusual & many people will tell you to be typical & you'll want to be, but you can't make yourself sexual. My situation is significantly different to yours in that I'm heterosexual & have had short-term relationships, but I can empathise with you. I don't want another relationship & many wrongly people tell me that I'm obliged to be half of a couple, berate me for not having had a LTR & tell me that being single isn't a valid option.
it sounds like you may also be aromantic, and that is also perfectly fine . it is also fine if you dont want to use this label at all !
asexuality / aromanticism being valid is hotly debated even in LGBTQ+ spaces, and so i understand why you feel the way you do . its one of those things when people see it as pushing labels "too far" . unfortunately, it is usually just a matter of people lacking critical thinking skills . in reality, gender and sexuality, even binary gender roles and the "sanctity of marraige" are all man-made concepts, none are real measurable things . why limit ourselves ? as long as you are not hurting anyone, you should feel free to label yourself as anything . or have no labels ! it never ever means you havent the right to exist .
there are so many factors that play into why people might not think your orientation is valid or real (all of them nonsense), a lot of it probably boils down to your age . many of the older adults i know didnt want to date / have sex when they were young, and then do . people tend to project their own life experiences onto others because its the only thing they know, but of course that doesnt mean it applies to you . not to mention the whole "your brain isnt fully formed yet !" spiel....
the bottom line is : you do exist, and you are absolutely not the only one . regardless of how people feel about it, you deserve respect and acceptance, and the option to live your life the way you feel most content with .
take care !
There is nothing wrong with you. I used to search my class for people to have crushes on, because I thought that was just something that was normal and necessary. When I saw a video by Jaden Animations about how she did that too, I was over the moon because I felt so weird doing it. I'd pick someone out, and try to develop a crush on them, and because I kept tricking myself into thinking they were so pretty or nice or something, I would, but it would be over time. Now, I'm not saying you just need to 'wait'. I understand it doesn't work like that.
If you're ace, you're ace. If you're trans, you're trans. If ya gay, ya gay. All I'm saying is that I get how you feel, and it's not weird or wrong. Don't pressure yourself into becoming something you aren't. Your purpose is to do exactly what you want to, and nothing else. There's nothing set in stone about who you have to be. Life is about whatever you want it to be. Asexuality does exist. Me and my brother are both on the spectrum, so we get it. It's hard, and people call us fakers, or broken, but who the hell cares what they say? They aren't us. We are who we are.
Asexuality absolutely exists, even if some people online don’t understand it or refuse to acknowledge it. Their doubts don’t take anything away from the very real lives and feelings of people who experience the world this way. What you feel matters. Your experience is valid, meaningful, and real, simply because it’s yours. Nothing anyone says can erase that.
You can’t force attraction into existence, and you shouldn’t have to push yourself into a life that doesn’t feel true to you just to make others comfortable. You are not obligated to want the same things as everyone else. If one day you feel differently, that’s okay. And if you never do, that’s okay too. Your worth is not measured by who you date, whether you date, or whether you feel attraction at all. A meaningful, full life can be built in so many ways without attraction.
I know how scary it can be to worry about being judged, especially for something you never chose and can’t control. Please know that we are here for you and you don’t have to carry this alone anymore. You deserve spaces like this where you feel safe, respected and accepted without asking you to explain or change yourself.
You don’t need to fix anything about yourself to be worthy of care or belonging.
You already belong, just as you are, and you always have.
But thank you so much for your kind words @ameliawillsharevoice and @Ech0