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Crying and SH (tw)

RiverRiver Community Champion Posts: 763 Part of The Mix Family
I dont know whats wrong with me these days. I dont know myself anymore. Everyone leave me, everyone lies to me, everyone forgets me, everyone replaces me and everyone hurts me. They give up on me all the time, am I really that bad. I wish I could just forget how I hurt I am, I want to ignore how I feel all the time and make them go away. It's too hard. I'm tired of telling myself that it will get better because it won't. I dont know how to heal from all the trauma, it became a part of me. Im so tired and I have no energy to fight my battles....

Im just someone who fills the gap in other people's life's until they dont need me anymore and they just throw me away. I've never put myself first because I don't deserve to, I come last and that's always been my belief and something I've heared my whole life. I keep people alive when they need help but no one does the same in return which is fine because ive been there for myself my whole life and looked after me my whole life. Sometime I feel like I've just going to give in and give up on life, I'm so tired of everything yet that increases when things are really bad. Part of me is dying and half dead and I'm just waiting for the same to happen with the rest. My heart hurts constantly yet its unfixable. I forgive people who hurt me and it shatters my heart more and more each time they hurt me. I dont understand why I feel this way, I just do and I always have every since I could remember this has been me, this feels like the real me yet the real me is gone. Gone forever and left everything behind...

I hurt myself earlier with a new method which panicked me cos I didnt expect it to do what it did but yeah anyway but now im addicted to that method
Slowly healing n finding the real me 🥲
AnonymousToeJJLemon18lunarcat522Katie12ebyrne556

Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hiya. Sorry if this reply is a bit of a mess but I wanted to reply anyways.
    River wrote: »
    I dont know whats wrong with me these days. I dont know myself anymore. Everyone leave me, everyone lies to me, everyone forgets me, everyone replaces me and everyone hurts me.
    First of all I want to point this out. You say you don't know what's wrong with you but you immediately proceed to talk about everyone else. That is on them, not on you! There's nothing wrong with you for needing extra support or attention, it's not your fault traumatic things happened to you in the past.

    You ask yourself "am I really that bad" which is literally the exact question I've been asking myself recently. Like why does it feel like everyone doesn't care? It feels like people don't want to care, or be nice or understanding. I'm not sure why. But if someone doesn't care then do you really need their attention? I dont know why it's so hard to find people who actually care and will accept me for who I am. I like to believe they're out there somewhere. They are there online so surely such people must also exist irl.
    River wrote: »
    Im just someone who fills the gap in other people's life's until they dont need me anymore and they just throw me away.
    You can reword the 'throw me away' part and yea, that sounds about right. It do be like that sometimes. Again brings me back to my previous point, why do people not care. I think it could be that people just look out mainly for themselves. But I really don't know, I'm just saying this to let you know I understand.
    River wrote: »
    ive been there for myself my whole life and looked after me my whole life.
    That's is amazing and I'm proud of you for that! I don't know who's been telling you that, but you absolutely don't come last. You deserve better. And I hope people will start treating you better.

    Btw a bit earlier I found out about a self care app called Finch from one of my societies. Not sure how useful it is since I've not used it myself but the reviews are really good so I thought I might share, it could be helpful.

    Stay strong and stay hopeful! Sending big hugs :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    River
  • Katie12Katie12 Posts: 210 Trailblazer
    hey @River, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a lot atm but you have done such a good job at explaining how you are feeling!
    It sounds like you put others before yourself a lot which shows how great of a person you must be but putting yourself first sometimes and focussing on yourself is definitely needed and is what you deserve!
    SH can be very addictive so i hope you are currently safe
    not sure if it is still a thing but i used to find the app 'calm harm' useful. even if the things it suggested weren't useful at the time often the distraction of going on the app helped
    hoping you are feeling a bit better today
    sending lots of hugs :heart:
    River
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,788 Extreme Poster
    Hey @River, I can hear that you're really going through a tough time. Thank you for sharing how you feel with us, because your feelings are valid and you do matter to us. We're really glad to have you as part of our community! Are you safe at the moment?

    Like @Katie12 above says, putting others before yourself is really admirable. Not everyone thinks of others in that way, and it takes a really kind person to think to do this. But it's also important to look after yourself too. Wanting to help others is great, but you can only do so if you look after yourself - putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others, so that you can help both of you to feel better.

    You deserve to be treated better, and I really hope you do find those people who appreciate you for who you are, because it sounds like you really try your best to do right by others. I know that we've seen your kindness and support has been helpful to members of The Mix, and we really do appreciate you! <3

    I just wanted to include some contacts in case you find them helpful:
    - If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. 
    - *Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
    - Papyrus - If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
    - Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

    Stay safe, and take each day as it comes. We're here with you, every step of the way <3
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  • RiverRiver Community Champion Posts: 763 Part of The Mix Family
    @Azziman mhm I'm safe sadly. Thank you <3
    Slowly healing n finding the real me 🥲
  • amy02amy02 Moderator Posts: 74 Budding Regular
    Hey @River it's good to hear that you're safe and I hope you found the above links useful. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time at the moment. Remember that you are so strong for sharing your thoughts with us and we're all here for support <3
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