counselling

Rose113

so basically I start counselling on Friday and I'm petrified. When I used to go camhs I had a nice worker at the start but then i switched because the other person couldn't help me but the new perosn would laugh at me and judge me for how I felt and it stopped me from being able to open up and I'd shut down and she would get annoyed at me and it made my mental health worse and I'd lie my way out of the sessions.

TW: my self harm and suiccidal thoughts increased even tho the person was ment to help me and she didnt understand who I was at all. It was always "you shouldn't be that", "that's silly to think about". "Your never gonna be pretty like them" I lost a lot of confidence and hated myself and my appearance more than I did at the start of it all. I gained more mental health issues it rather than decreasing them and I'd tell what the person was doing but it was always the same answer that it was just her "approach".

So since then I've avoided it as much as possible like it's a stupid allergy and I know that sounds so silly but it's always stuck with me which is why I also find it easier opening up online since no one knows who I am unless I tell that person who I am. It just scares me that I'll shut down because when that would happen with the old person it was, "you can't be helped if you don't make an effort" yet I'd try but my head would not let me and then I'd get this voice telling me not to and then I won't.

I want help and I need but how am I ment to work through those barriers when they lead to the same thing, people say why dont you tell the counsellor that but I cant if I just shut down ☹️ Talking is my biggest barrier but it's not something that can be easily worked through. This is my last chance to get the help I need and I'm willing to try to get better and heal but its still the barriers that is gonna let me down a lot and prevent my recovery

lunarcat522

@River I'm really sorry you've had a negative experience with counselling, therapists are supposed to be validating and create a safe space. It sounds like you experienced a lot of invalidation and potentially gaslighting which is really difficult to cope with, so it's understandable that you would struggle during the sessions. I'm hesitant to label your experience but it might help you come to terms with what happened and although it's unfortunate it really impacted your mental health, it may help you understand that it's a reasonable reaction to being treated that poorly, although it never should've happened in the first place. Would you consider reporting the therapist to the centre or reporting the centre if it's impacted you really negatively? If not it's understandable if you might just want to move on, but the option's there.

It makes sense why you're avoiding counselling, but I think this might create a bit of a vicious cycle where you're apprehensive to seek help again. It's great that you're managing to open up online as it's a great first step. It might help to, once you're ready, tell the counsellors ahead of or even in the first session that you've had a poor previous experience within the therapeutic setting which is making you feel apprehensive about attending sessions and opening up about experiences. It's worth noting that you don't have to open up to therapists immediately, it's natural to need to warm up to them first, as it's a really big step to go to the first session of therapy.

It's understandable that you're experiencing many barriers about accessing therapy but make sure to be kind on yourself and don't rush things as it takes time to recover from negative experiences. It's possible that you could request a session taking place remotely so you can type your thoughts and then build up to being in person, as it might help to be somewhere you feel comfortable like in your home environment. You could maybe get someone trusted to attend with you to the sessions that might make you feel more comfortable. It just depends on what you think might work for you, but there's definitely options out there. What I would say is that good therapist should be validating your feelings and helping you through your thoughts, without any shame or judgement attached. I hope this helps

Rose113

@lunarcat522 the last person ended up leaving and going to work in a prison like she used to that was when the sessions got brought to a close that I found that out

Azziman

Hey @River, just came by to say that I'm sorry to hear the experience you went through. You deserve to be heard and your feelings are valid, and the support you received simply wasn't good enough. I can hear that it's difficult to talk about your feelings, and I imagine that this experience did no favours at all.

I'd echo what @lunarcat522 has said - there are lots of good people out there who are willing to help you and listen to you. I'm glad that speaking online is an outlet you find useful - some people do find that anonymity makes it easier to speak about certain topics and experiences.

I can hear that you're feeling conflicted - on the one hand, one does need to make an effort to get better; on the other, being aware of those barriers can put us off making that first step, especially considering the experience you've shared with us here.

As @lunarcat522 says, it's completely natural for many people to take some time to get used to talking about their feelings, and/or talking to a counsellor/therapist. There's a level of trust that needs to be developed, and that doesn't always happen right away - probably fair, given that we're talking about some sensitive topics and complex emotions.

It does sound like you'd like to speak to someone, so it would be worth speaking to someone. Maybe taking it a bit slower to build that trust and see if they're right for you would be ideal. It's better to do this right than do it quickly, so it's completely fine to take your time. There are good people willing to listen to you, and help you if you're looking to feel better. Whatever you decide, we'll be here to support you every step of the way