I can’t cope - rant

sohappysosad

I’m going through a really tough time at the moment, I really am. I’ve been bullied for sometime now and whilst the bullying has stopped as I’ve since graduated from that place but I stokes get really bad memories about what happened to me and for the last week I’ve been feeling down about it. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve being bullied, they’d always bully me for the way I looked or my bag or even my shoes, I’d get random people saying I looked like a “man” or that I’m weird for not speaking. It’s been nearly six years now since I left that place but I made the really bad decision of looking at where those people are now, and they’re all doing well in their lives. They’ve gone to uni, some of them have gotten married and have had children, some of them are in nice relationships and they go on nice holidays with their partners, some even have amazing jobs and get them selves luxury items. But me? I’m unemployed (from stress), my uni work is overdue, my weight is a big issue (tw) and I even lost a nice job offer a few months ago for something that wasn’t even my fault. It’s not fair that the people who hurt me, who made horrible jokes about me, made me feel like i wasn’t human and who always made my life a living hell get to live such perfect lives and they don’t struggle unlike me. Even my “friends” who excluded me (and I still don’t know why to this day), let a group of boys steal my bag and didn’t even try to help & made fun of me behind my back seem to be doing great in their lives. No one has apologised at all. I don’t know how people like that live with themselves, I only wanted to have friends now I have no one and my family won’t listen. I hate feeling this way and I wish it would go away. I just wish they could feel how I felt and maybe try to understand what they did wasn’t okay.

lunarcat522

Hi @sohappysosad I'm sorry to hear your going through a tough time. Bullying is really difficult to deal with and unfortunately it's common to struggle even after the bullying itself has stopped. You've done absolutely nothing to deserve getting bullied, I promise you - no one deserves to be treated that poorly, it's not your fault.

I'm really sorry people criticised you for your looks and for not speaking. I also got a lot of grief over not speaking and or having a very quiet presence in the school environment, which unfortunately made me a very easy target for both students and teachers so I get how detrimental it can be to your mental health. I know a book can't solve everything but reading 'Quiet' by Susan Caine really helped me come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be quiet and/or introverted, as we need people like that in the world. I could actually do with re-reading it as it's been a while. It's not like the typical self-help book that gives generic out of touch advice on how to get better in 3/5/10 steps, it gives real life accounts of interviews of those that are introverted/quiet and their experiences and it helped me see the positives and strengths in being quiet, which I had not been able to see before.

You've said you've struggled with bad memories and it's been 6 years since leaving - have you sought any professional help for processing what happened? Sometimes when distressing events happen on a daily/weekly basis for a very long time it can impact people in ways we don't always notice or don't know how to deal with as we don't always know or have the skills to handle how our body and mind has decided to cope.

I don't want to jump to conclusions on what you've said, but drawing on my own experiences, I would definitely recommend seeking out counselling as a first point of contact, even through the NHS to identify what you're struggling with, as I accessed free counselling through my college and it helped me realise that I likely have complex trauma, and it gave me some answers and relief as it explained why I was struggling so much, even though it's been a long time since I left school. If it's of any interest I'm currently in the process of seeking specialist help via the NHS but it can be a long wait, but I'm looking into EMDR, trauma-based counselling and DBT as potential therapies that I would like to give a go if I have access to them.

I understand it can be really frustrating that everyone seems to have moved on and be doing fine, but social media can often give us the rose tinted version of people's lives - people are less likely to post openly about the things we don't see behind closed doors, so although it may all appear perfect, I can guarantee that everyone is stressed or unhappy about something in their life, even if it's minor, we just don't always hear about it. It's okay to go at your own pace - just because you've not yet achieved what others have, it doesn't mean that you're behind or any less worthy. It sounds like you've been through a lot in your life so I'd cut yourself some slack as it seems that you've faced a lot of obstacles to overcome, and you should be really proud of yourself for that - I am. Nevertheless I get it's extremely difficult and frustrating and it's completely okay to acknowledge and mourn the things you've not been able to experience etc.

It can be especially difficult if you've not had closure, and this is still something that I struggle with too. I often have to remind myself that I don't have to forgive those that hurt me badly, intentionally or not, no matter what other people say, but it's difficult at times. Try to show yourself some compassion and take each day as it comes, I hope things get better for you

Maisy

You did not deserve the bullying and I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. I know how awful bullying can feel, especially when it's something that has been happening for a while. I know that people can pick on you for the most ridiculous things. But I also know that bullying says a lot more about the other person than you. Some people are just close minded and don't like it when others are different to them (e.g. when others think you are 'weird' for not speaking). There's nothing wrong with the way you are (I'm very quiet too!), but unfortunately, some people just don't see that. That doesn't make it okay for them to bully you though.

Even though you may have left the place where the bullying happened, it's understandable that you might still have a lot of bad memories from having experience bullying, even if it's been a while since you left. Being bullied can leave us feeling a range of emotions, whether it's anger or feeling some form of grief. These are natural reactions and very understandable to have. Bullying can have a devastating impact on a person but it is possible to overcome this. I too recommend seeking out counselling, either from your university or by speaking to your GP for a referral for counselling. For short term help, you could try our counselling service: https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/the-mix-counselling-service

As difficult as it is, try not to compare yourself to others. When I find myself doing that, I take a step back and realise that people only post the good things on social media...there may be a lot of other not so good things that they don't post about. Plus, I ask myself whether they are really happy or whether it's done for show? Particularly if they have a habit of bullying others...someone like that probably has a lot of their own issues and insecurities that they have been unfairly taking out on others, rather than seeking the help they need. And if they haven't sought help, then chances are, they may continue to bully others, so even if they post lots of 'good' things on social media, there may be others out there who know that this is isn't necessarily who they really are.

We can't change the past, but we can take steps to work on building the life we want in the present and future. Since your uni work is overdue, is it possible to ask for an extension? It sounds like you've been feeling low and stressed so it might be worth asking for an extended deadline to help you catch up a bit. It's also okay to be unemployed, especially if you are studying. It can be very difficult to juggle work and your studies, but more so when you are already stressed. If you need a job, maybe you see if there is any work going in your university e.g. student union jobs. This might take the pressure off a bit is they allow you to work around your schedule whereas other employers might not have the same flexibility. Otherwise, it might help to prioritise what is important to you right now and focus on that e.g. your studies and your health and wellbeing. In time, you could expand this to thinking about the things that you want from life, and what would make you happy, so that you have your own goals to work towards. I also agree with Lunarcat, that it is okay to go at your own pace too. Just because things haven't happened yet, it doesn't mean they never will.

It's hard when people don't apologise for the hurt that they have caused. There might be many reasons for why they haven't apologised. But again, it just shows what kind of a person they are...and as you say, you don't know how they can live with themselves. I really relate to the last line of your post...wishing that the bullies could feel the pain they made you feel. It really does seem that they lack empathy....they aren't able to put themselves in your shoes and understand that being bullied feels awful. If they were able to empathise with you, then chances are, they wouldn't have bullied you. So it seems more a 'flaw' with them, not you.

I'm also sorry to hear that your family don't listen. Sometimes families don't know what to say or how to help. But you've always got The Mix