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Life of the freak by me

RiverRiver Community Champion Posts: 763 Part of The Mix Family
edited November 2023 in Health & Wellbeing
TW mentions of Bullying, Suicide and Self harm

She couldn't take it any longer… She was mute at age 5, didn't know how to talk, didn't know what love was. She spent most days wondering what happened and why was different to everyone else, she didn't look different but still felt it and everyone knew she was. Sat lost in the corner discarded by everyone she wished she could fit but deep down she knew she never would. People giggling beside her, everyone having friends except her. She was missing a piece of her but she didn't know what that was. 2 years of school had gone by. She was finally in year 2 but she didn't feel any different except she learnt to talk all by herself, she was the freak show, a laughing stock to all. Trapped in the midst of confusion. Teachers told her class why she was different, it gave her a sense of relief that she could finally be accepted, she could finally understand why she wasn't loved. Maybe she could find some friends and be loved in that way?

She found someone like her, she tried to become friends with her but she wasn't accepting, she heard about her being a freak show and didn't want to be near her at all and told her to get lost. She felt deflated more than she used to, all the hope she had and all the joy that was hidden had flooded away. She started hiding away in the bathrooms not letting people see her. She had lost her spark and her ability to talk. When she did come out she was hit, shoved, and screamed at. The constant threats floored her and the constant ‘you don't belong’ caused her self esteem to vanish. She would sit on her own in class, lunch and break, no one liked her, no one accepted her. She would constantly cry and spend time out of class with teachers. She sobbed and sobbed daily, she had no idea how to deal with anything anymore.

The end of primary school came and she was looking forward to a new chapter of finding people to care about her in big school, she was too naive to see that would never happen. Excitement came over her as her first day of highschool arrived. She skipped into school over joyed over the fact that she was a big girl now until she saw one of them again, they were at the same school and in the same tutor and most classes. She had changed though so she gave her a second chance, she got her hopes up and it all came crashing down again, she hadn't changed it was just a hoax. She already hated her new school after the first week and didn't want to stay there, she asked to move schools but she was told to give it a chance, she moved tutors and felt better, she found a friend that was willing to talk to her, she got her spark back, she felt hopeful that she could have a good few years there. Even though she started to like school, something still wasn't right, she struggled to cope and turned to self harm when things got rough, it started minor and every so often and soon progressed to daily and multiple times in one day. It became hard to pretend so she often spent time shutting herself away from everyone, PE stopped being an option for her because of her body so she became so self conscious and struggled to eat, bullying started again, she was pathetic, a baby and a freak again…

8th of july 2022 came and she couldn't deal with anything any longer, she told people she was sorry, said she couldn't take it any longer and tried to unalive herself after she had done it she changed her mind and messaged her friend and told her she had messed up and was really sorry for what she had done, that friend replied at the speed of lightning and called police. She was so mad for having police called on her that she turned her phone off but still got found before it was too late. Forced into hospital whilst sobbing, she wanted the pain to end but no one would let her go and be at peace, she was forced to keep fighting. Anger and pain overcrowded her as she sat there wondering why she messaged that friend, why she didn't just leave it. That became the girl's biggest regret, she swore she would never do that again…spent 24 hours in hospital with people constantly forcing her to talk but she didn't know how to, she sat there in silence as tears flooded her body. Forced out of school for 2 weeks so she could get ‘better’ discharged from hospital and sent home, 72 hours with the crisis team trying to change everything, she still wasn't happy, she was angered by the fact that people all of a sudden wanted to be nice to her, she was pitied.

Back to school and everyone knew what she had done, people were mad over her selfishness but no one tried to understand, her phone removed for a month and trapped in *** of a school, not being able to go toilet alone, constant check ins, she was claustrophobic, she wanted to everything to stop, it was torture. Constantly searched for safety concerns, no one really cared about her and she always new, it was just an act of pity from everyone. She finally managed to pretend again, she was ‘okay’ and people believed that, people started leaving her alone, the trappedness lifted and she was able to breathe again. It became so easy for her to pretend, she constantly laughed and was always ‘happy’ she started channelling her feelings through dance. It slowly became her spark but deep down her thoughts were still bubbling away, coming back up to smack her across the face but she soon shoved them down again. Things were slowly getting better till she was attacked at school for just looking at someone, it caused her to become terrified of everything, so bad that she had to go to the one place that she hated...hospital. Her year manager said she deserved to be attacked and wasn't helpful at all. She couldn't face school again so she turned to self harm every morning just so she could cope. She skipped lessons and started blanking people, she became a rude and naughty kid because that was the only way she could protect herself.

She barely got through year 11, did her GCSEs and skipped classes, it got too much for her to cope with, she was back to her old self, she was trapped, constant flashbacks and words overcrowded, self harm and crying became the only thing she liked doing, she still loves dance but it wasn't the same, she could only do it at school but she never wanted to go to school, only showing up to dance and drama classes. She couldnt walk through the corridors alone, it scared her too much, she was constantly at fear, suicidal and in emotional and physical pain.

That girl was me…i was that girl…

Slowly healing n finding the real me 🥲
Post edited by Gemma on


  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,788 Extreme Poster
    Hey @River - thank you for sharing your experience on here. Reading through the post, I can understand that it may not have been easy to write this, and to have to recall all the things you've been through. It's ever so brave of you to share this <3

    It sounds like you've been through a lot, and that you didn't feel supported especially when you needed it most. That wasn't right then, and it wasn't right now. You deserve to be heard, and to feel understood. It sounds like you were doing what you felt you had to do to get through each day, and it's shocking to hear some of things that people said to you.

    I can hear how you wanted to be seen as you, as a person, and not just a risk or someone to be pitied. And that's completely valid. You are your own person, and you deserve to be seen because you matter. You mattered then, and you matter now.

    You've been through so much, and you're still here fighting each day, and that takes some resilience. We're glad that you're here with us. We appreciate what you contribute to the community, and we're here to support you, rain or shine <3
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