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What should I do?
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,061 Boards Champion
Hi. My first ever poll so I hope I'm doing this right haha. I need help making decisions cause every decision I make I end up regretting in some way. And this way in case something goes wrong, I can blame it on others and not me! 
I'm kidding lol, I just want to know what you all think I should do.
So heres the thing. I've been to a society event recently (yes the same one I can't stop talking about) and I really struggled to fit in, especially since it was loud and I couldn't talk loud enough for others to hear me. I wasn't really having fun. But funny enough, I don't regret going at all, it was something new and interesting.
And now the same society have announced a new event, specifically a house party... and when I saw that I told myself "hell nah" and went on with my day. But over time this event keeps growing on me, and I have to admit, it sounds real fun! I'm at a point in my life when I just feel like trying new stuff, doing anything really. So I'm actually debating on whether to go. I have nothing to lose after all. The other option would be staying at home regretting, feeling sad and depressed, and overthinking if maybe I should have went. Even if it goes as worst as it can possible go (as long as I dont die), I will get back up from it and continue with my life.
So I thought of an idea. To message the person organising the event and honestly tell her what I'm worried about and tell her what I'm struggling with, that way maybe she may be able to support me during the event. And I don't mean that they turn the music down just because its too loud for me. I mean that I could always tell her (or even just nod to let her know) that I'm overwhelmed and I need to leave for example, that way she'll understand that I'm not just bored or being rude by leaving. If that makes sense. Or maybe she will just tell me that yes the event is going to be loud and it might not be suitable for me, and I simply wont go, no big deal.
So i'm asking what you guys think I should do, since I'm not sure what the 'right' thing to do would be in this situation. Do I message her telling everything I'm worried about, or do I keep it all vague, just letting her know that I am struggling but without any details? Or maybe messaging her will make it awkward and weird and it would be best if I didnt, I don't want their opinion of me to be worse if I do decide to go. Or do I just not go at all since this is clearly not an event for me?
I will still make the final decision what I'll do, I just want to know your all's opinion. Thank you :)
I'm kidding lol, I just want to know what you all think I should do.So heres the thing. I've been to a society event recently (yes the same one I can't stop talking about) and I really struggled to fit in, especially since it was loud and I couldn't talk loud enough for others to hear me. I wasn't really having fun. But funny enough, I don't regret going at all, it was something new and interesting.
And now the same society have announced a new event, specifically a house party... and when I saw that I told myself "hell nah" and went on with my day. But over time this event keeps growing on me, and I have to admit, it sounds real fun! I'm at a point in my life when I just feel like trying new stuff, doing anything really. So I'm actually debating on whether to go. I have nothing to lose after all. The other option would be staying at home regretting, feeling sad and depressed, and overthinking if maybe I should have went. Even if it goes as worst as it can possible go (as long as I dont die), I will get back up from it and continue with my life.
So I thought of an idea. To message the person organising the event and honestly tell her what I'm worried about and tell her what I'm struggling with, that way maybe she may be able to support me during the event. And I don't mean that they turn the music down just because its too loud for me. I mean that I could always tell her (or even just nod to let her know) that I'm overwhelmed and I need to leave for example, that way she'll understand that I'm not just bored or being rude by leaving. If that makes sense. Or maybe she will just tell me that yes the event is going to be loud and it might not be suitable for me, and I simply wont go, no big deal.
So i'm asking what you guys think I should do, since I'm not sure what the 'right' thing to do would be in this situation. Do I message her telling everything I'm worried about, or do I keep it all vague, just letting her know that I am struggling but without any details? Or maybe messaging her will make it awkward and weird and it would be best if I didnt, I don't want their opinion of me to be worse if I do decide to go. Or do I just not go at all since this is clearly not an event for me?
I will still make the final decision what I'll do, I just want to know your all's opinion. Thank you :)
Believe in me - who believes in you
What should I do? 11 votes
Send a message to the organiser telling them everything im struggling with (relating to the event of course)
81%
9 votes
Send the message but keep everything vague (letting them know that I am struggling without any details)
18%
2 votes
Don't send anything but go and hope for the best
0%
Don't go at all (since the event is probably not a good thing for me right now)
0%
Something else?
0%
0
Comments
If I was the organiser of the event and you had messaged me I wouldn't find you're message awkward or weird.
It will help them to either accommodate to you better or just have an overall understanding of you're situation so that if you do have to leave if it gets too much, at least someone there will understand and know why.
Even if you did go and then felt you had to leave, I don't think anyone would/should hold it against you as at the end of the day we need to do what's right for ourselves.
I hope whatever you decide to do works well and if you do go the the event you have a good time (and if you don't go that's also perfectly fine)
Sending lots of hugs,
Sinead
I know. And I would be the same. But they are not you. I have no idea how they would react. Although during the last event I was sitting next to this person and she kept trying to talk to me, I believe she must have noticed how uncomfortable I felt. I now just found out the society has a 'wellbeing and inclusion officer' who seems like the better person to contact about this, but I don't know them at all (nor do I have any contact details to them).
Also, I really don't know what exactly to tell them and how to word it without it sounding weird or anything. Would it be best if I just be honest and say what feels right to me, and just forget what they might think of me?
Big hugs
Hope this helps
So... I guess I have to go now
I'm not gonna message them yet just in case something happens or I change my mind. I'll do it closer to the date. But I will probably go, why not. You live once after all.
Thanks again!
(And btw I'm still accepting more opinions haha, if you have something to share)
Once again saying if you do end up going I hope you have a lovely time and enjoy yourself and remember to always do what is best for you
Sending hugs
Sinead
I mentioned my social anxiety, having problems with my voice (talking loud), and the fact that I've never been to something like that before so I have no idea what to expect. But it just doesn't feel right. It just sounds like I'm rambling about myself rather than actually hoping to get anything out of this. Rereading it, I have no idea what they could do to support me with all this, theres not much they can do beside altering the whole party just to suit me, which is something I really wouldn't want them to do, which I told them (not like they were gonna do that anyways lol, but just saying).
@sinead276 That makes sense. But to do that I'd have to first message this person anyways to ask for contact details to the wellbeing officer, and remove the part from my message where I tell the organiser that she has probably already noticed some of the things I'm struggling with during the last event (since as I said, she tried talking to me during that event, and surely noticed I have trouble speaking. There is no way I didn't look uncomfortable there lol)
But yea, I can absolutely do that.
I just have to learn to chill out and take everything for what it is, stop overthinking every single thing I say. Just do what I feel is right, and it either goes well (yay) or it goes bad and I'll learn from it.
Thanks again :)
Never think that what you struggle with is weird and awkward, the struggles you have are completely valid, and you are doing completely the right thing. Have confidence in yourself, you deserve to be heard x
@Callum208 Thank you. I understand. I'm just worried that people will react negatively towards it. Not as in that they'll make fun of me, as in that they'll turn away from me because they wouldn't want to deal with me or something. I don't want to constantly go around complaining about my struggles and stuff, I don't want my struggles to determine who I am. If that makes sense. But yea, thank you
OR I could email the email address of the entire society, not sure if that would get read just by the president or everyone in charge of the society... but it would require that little more will power lol, but that's not a problem.
Yes that makes sense, a lot of people struggle with feeling like this and it is hard. I would really like to say that your struggles will never determine who you are, but rather that they are a part of who you are. They don't define you, they make you 'you'. If others do turn away from you, then they're not worth your time, and they need to understand better. Also, never feel like you're complaining or anything, sharing your struggles with people in a way that's comfortable to you is actually so helpful to others too because it spreads awareness of mental health and different types of struggles people are facing. The more people who spread awareness, the better. You deserve support just as much as the rest of us, so go out and stand up for yourself
You're welcome
(ooh the reverse smileys don't get auto converted to emojis! nice)
Sorry I'm a bit late to the party!
I think it was a really good idea to message her. I know it's really difficult to do, but you did it and sent it and that's great! I think you're putting a lot of responsibility on yourself for other people's reactions, something I can really relate to and I think it's often (at least partly) about trying to feel in-control - wanting to come across 'exactly right' and be able to predict their impression of you etc, I've done it so much as well. But at the end of the day, what happens happens - and what actually gives you more of a sense of being in-control is doing exactly what you did, telling someone the situation, that you need a little bit of support - that might give you some options that you wouldn't have had otherwise. It's an act of self-respect which is really valuable. And what you said here: is a really important point
I'm on my phone and it doesn't tell me when all of the posts were posted for some reason, so how long ago was it that you messaged her? 🙂
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Dont worry, the party hasnt started yet, its gonna be on saturday
Yess, this so much! I can't help it most of the time, but I'm proud to say that I'm sightly improving with this. It's so hard though because I see myself as very different to other people. I often think differently and approach things differently, struggling to tell what is the right thing to do and what isnt. And I'm certain of this. That is why the mix has helped me so much, it has given me people who are here to validate me and/or tell me what is right. If not for this thread I probably wouldn't have sent the message, probably not gone to the 'party', and I'd still be thinking that sending the message and telling people how you really feel is a 'weird' thing to do.
Yea there's a problem with mobile where the times are hidden behind profile images. I'm also on mobile and can't remember the time lol. Roughly 2 hours ago.
Oh and btw, she's already replied, literally came here to say it. She was really nice and understanding about it, but nothing too much. Explained the whole situation behind the event and that it will be more of a "music quiz with snacks" rather than a "house party", so I'm really really glad about sending this message. I feel a bit better about all this.
Can really understand about feeling the need to ask for reassurance on what the 'right' thing to do is and stuff, I often feel that way too, like I have no idea what is expected of me or what is ok/appropriate. I'm never sure though if I really have no idea, or if it's more that I lack the confidence to trust in myself enough to take the slight risk of doing what I would naturally do, if that makes sense? I'm so afraid of it being the wrong thing that I avoid making a decision altogether. So really good job for making the decision to message her, (and the decision to ask for support here, and the decision to consider going to the event in the first place!)
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
That's a very valid point! I don't think I've ever thought of it that way. I was gonna say but you already mentioned it too, that a lot of it definitely comes down to the fear of making a wrong decision/mistake and maybe embarrassing yourself. Not doing anything is the safest option, but then we miss out so much, and we never learn. Which is the way I've lived my whole life pretty much, safe mode, and I really regret it now.
But instead of being depressed about it, I'm gonna take it as a lesson. Now I know better!
Sending hugs
I spent the entire two hours there in silence not saying a word to anyone. I didnt know what to say, and when I had a chance I just didn't take it, I was too afraid to speak. I feel so bad about myself, I feel so down. Everyone was constantly chatting and there I was just listening and nothing else.
The quiz that we did, I got the worst scores out of everyone by a fairly large amount, which honestly didn't surprise me. I feel so stupid and like I dont belong anywhere. I was also pretty disconnected again, and now I don't feel like the event was real and that it actually happened, even though I know it did.
Idk. Situations like this make me want to sit at home and never leave again, why would I. The event today was perfect for me, chilled and quiet, perfect for me to chat with people. But of course I had to screw it all up.
As I was leaving I got to have a very small chat with the society president (the person I sent the message to) and she was super nice about it and said that maybe I'll get to talk more in the next event. And I swear if she didn't say that I don't think I would go to another event again. But now I'm gonna go, and I'll try again until it works. The problem is I doubt its ever gonna work. I never knew how to socialise, and I don't think I ever will.
If you felt the event was right for you, I would definitely persist as it might just take you a little longer than others to warm up and feel comfortable. There's no pressure, but as you've said it definitely helps to try and get out of your comfort zone where possible.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, sometimes these things just take time, which can be really frustrating but you've made a really good first step of attending the event, and speaking to the society president - that's still something
But you and everyone else are all right, I have to stop being so hard on myself, stop comparing myself to others and how much worse I am than them. And I have to be proud of what I am achieving, because I'm really trying the best I can right now.
Thank you
It's okay if you didn't speak much this time. You made it there, stayed in the environment, and spoke to the society president. I'd say that's good progress for a situation that you're not too familiar with. It's not always easy when you're new to situations like this, but as you become more familiar with the people, you'll feel a little more confident in talking to others and letting your guard down. You've taken a positive step forward, trust the process
I can hear your frustration though. Truth is, socialising is something that you tend to improve with as you do it more. Don't expect yourself to be a social butterfly after a couple of events, it's not fair on yourself to place such lofty expectations on yourself. The main thing is that you went out there and tried, and that's infinitely more progress compared to staying at home. Be kind to yourself, be proud of what you've achieved this time, and take it as motivation to try again. Each time you do it, you get a little better at socialising!