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Fed up and wound up.
sputnik
Posts: 97 Budding Regular
Talked to my mum earlier about how my therapy is going, basically I've had a couple of sessions of EMDR with a clinical psychologist. Last session she (my therapist) said she wasn't sure EMDR was the right thing for me, and that she had been wondering if a certain psychological profile/cognitive style or some such might fit me and that she was gonna do some more research and discuss it more with me. I feel glad that she seems to take it seriously and isn't wanting to assume 'one size fits all', but I'm also worried in case I've misrepresented myself to her and given the wrong impression, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the way that my brain works seems totally different from other people, and other times I'm just like 'it's really not that unusual at all, I just overthink and obsess over things a lot etc'. Anyway I'm gonna wait and see what she says next session, I just feel apprehensive in the meantime. My mum once again stressed the possibility of there being a physical cause, i.e. hormonal/chemical imbalance, which is what she believes to be the cause of her own mental health issues as certain medications and hormone treatments seem to help her. It's a perfectly valid point but I find it frustrating when she brings it up because 1. We don't actually know that her issues don't have a psychological element, yes she's had a lot of therapy but it completely depends on how you approach therapy and what you bring to it etc, 2. I hate the idea of trying lots of different medications in the hope that one might help and 3. She's so vehement about it, like she thinks she knows exactly how I think and that my and her issues are basically the same (and seems to not think anything bad enough happened to me as a child to account for a psychological cause, basically.) I love her and I do appreciate what she does for me but I wish I didn't have to live with her, I wish I could manage on my own because I just get drawn into the same patterns with her again and again. And with other family members - I always get so hyperactive when I'm with my sister and I hate myself when I do but I can't seem to turn it off, even when I'm exhausted. I want to be able to come back to myself, into a calmer place, but it's like only the hyper version of me exists in that moment and I'm stuck in that gear.
I know you fought hard as hell
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
5
Comments
As you say, many things can contribute to what does/doesn't work as well as the causes of mental health difficulties and it is difficult to know which exact things those are (as well as varying from person to person). Your thoughts and feelings are valid, as are your childhood circumstances and any psychological factors that may have triggered your mental health difficulties. You have also mentioned how your thoughts and feelings are influenced by your family and I am hearing a general sense of a lack of control. Would you like to share more with us about this at the moment?
Hi @Laura_tigger82 , thankyou for your response and sorry it's taken me so long to reply.
I had a session today with my therapist, and we discussed what she'd researched over the week. Basically she thinks that my thinking style has some relation to the 'Cluster A' personality disorders, like Schizoid or Schizotypal, although she doesn't like to categorize too much. We discussed the idea of medication and I mentioned that my mother has been on Quetiapine before and that it seemed to help her. My therapist said that might be worth trying, if I wanted to go down the medication route, and that if it helped to take the edge off my symptoms then it might be a bit easier for me to learn to manage my symptoms overall. I need to make a GP appointment to find out if it might be an option. I don't know what to think at this point, the idea of there being something that might help reduce the over-activity of my brain feels kind of too good to be true, but I would like to try it if my GP agrees. I'm worried they won't prescribe it though without an actual diagnosis, however my therapist is going to write a sort of summary that I can take to the appointment which might help. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but at the same time I feel desperate for something to just help...
Lack of control is very accurate, a very strong theme in my mind in general I guess. I feel kind of thrown one way and another by whoever I'm with, like my attitude and personality changes to fit around them. There's always a strong sense of fear around displeasing them, and I'm always trying to read and predict their behaviours and reactions in great detail, as well as imagining how they are interpreting mine, how that effects how they see me, etc. I'm always trying to reach a level of control which is unattainable, which probably accounts for my tendency to disappear into fantasy/inner-worlds any chance I get - everything and everyone there is within my control, if that makes sense. Then I come back to the real world and everything feels dull, overwhelming and hopeless. Relationships with people in the real world feel unfulfilling and empty for me. I don't really like myself in the real world, whereas I can become anyone in my imagination. But I don't want to live in my head any longer
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Therapeutic Process: Therapy is a process of exploration and discovery, and it's perfectly fine for your therapist to consider different approaches and techniques to best address your needs. It's not a reflection of misrepresentation on your part; rather, it shows that your therapist is committed to finding the most effective way to help you.
Individual Differences: Everyone's experiences and thought patterns are unique. It's not uncommon to feel like your way of thinking is different from others, but this doesn't mean it's unusual or wrong. Therapy is tailored to your specific needs and experiences.
Medical Considerations: While it's important to explore psychological factors in therapy, your mom's suggestion about potential physical causes isn't invalid. It's essential to keep an open mind and consider all possible factors that may contribute to your mental health. However, any decision about medication should be made with the guidance of a healthcare professional.
Boundaries: It's clear that you have a complex relationship with your family members, and their input can be both supportive and challenging. Setting boundaries and expressing your needs to your family members can help you maintain a healthier dynamic.
Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Therapy can bring up difficult emotions and self-reflection, and it's okay to feel a range of emotions. Remember that it's a journey toward healing and self-understanding.
Ultimately, therapy is a collaborative effort between you and your therapist, and it can take time to find the right approach that works for you. Trust the process, stay open to your therapist's suggestions, and continue advocating for your needs and boundaries. With time and effort, you can make progress in understanding and managing your thoughts and emotions.