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Missing out
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
I want to live like a normal person, but I have no idea how. I'm 20 yet I've never had a real friend, a real relationship, a job etc. I have never volunteered. I have never been shopping by myself. I have never lived by myself. I don't leave the house. I don't exercise. I don't do any hobbies. I can't play any instrument. I don't read books. I do study... a subject I no longer care about.
My life feels fake. If you were to write a book about my life, you wouldn't be able to fill more than one page...
It makes me feel so down and jealous seeing how much stuff other people my age (and much younger) are doing, how much they are accomplishing, how much they're living.
I dream to experience so many things! Yet in this life, all of these will remain nothing but that... just a dream.
I want to join societies, clubs, volunteer, just do something. Its my last chance, my last year at uni where I can try something new. But I can't, I don't think I can handle it. I've basically spent a whole day today looking through all the different events they have, all the societies. And every time I find something cool it just makes me incredibly sad, knowing I probably won't enjoy it, I won't fit in at all. One society has planned a bowling get-together in two weeks, I'm very excited cause I'm hoping to go, hoping to finally take one step to change my life for the better. But the more I think about it, the more anxious I get. Its still two weeks away and I'm already finding it hard to breathe, I'm already shaking and sweating just thinking of being there. I'm not ready right now for anything like this, I've never done anything like this before. But if not now then when? I can't afford to waste any more of my life just waiting around for 'things' to get better, because they're not getting better, and at this rate they never will...
Right now I'm basically standing at the edge of my comfort zone, all I need to do is open the door. Worst case scenario; I mess up, do something stupid, embarrass myself - I will go home and swear to myself to never go outside again. But that isn't so different than my life already is...
I have nothing to lose. But I just can't do it, I can't get myself to open this door. Almost like I'm paralysed and I'm unsure why.
What if things will get better, and I will be more comfortable, I overcome my anxiety and will be ready to open up to people, finally make some new connections... by then I will have probably left uni, and missed so much stuff, all the cool stuff and events I've looked through today. Just like right now I regret missing out so much from all the other schools I've been to before.
I just don't know what to do. I'm mainly scared of people not understanding me, not knowing my struggles and what I'm going through. I don't want to end up looking like some weirdo who can't speak or behave properly, and just leaves half way or something. Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to feel like such an alien in this society? I don't get it. I don't know how I can get better.
How do I always end up rambling so much?? This has no right to be this long!!
Anyways, any advice would be highly appreciated.
My life feels fake. If you were to write a book about my life, you wouldn't be able to fill more than one page...
It makes me feel so down and jealous seeing how much stuff other people my age (and much younger) are doing, how much they are accomplishing, how much they're living.
I dream to experience so many things! Yet in this life, all of these will remain nothing but that... just a dream.
I want to join societies, clubs, volunteer, just do something. Its my last chance, my last year at uni where I can try something new. But I can't, I don't think I can handle it. I've basically spent a whole day today looking through all the different events they have, all the societies. And every time I find something cool it just makes me incredibly sad, knowing I probably won't enjoy it, I won't fit in at all. One society has planned a bowling get-together in two weeks, I'm very excited cause I'm hoping to go, hoping to finally take one step to change my life for the better. But the more I think about it, the more anxious I get. Its still two weeks away and I'm already finding it hard to breathe, I'm already shaking and sweating just thinking of being there. I'm not ready right now for anything like this, I've never done anything like this before. But if not now then when? I can't afford to waste any more of my life just waiting around for 'things' to get better, because they're not getting better, and at this rate they never will...
Right now I'm basically standing at the edge of my comfort zone, all I need to do is open the door. Worst case scenario; I mess up, do something stupid, embarrass myself - I will go home and swear to myself to never go outside again. But that isn't so different than my life already is...
I have nothing to lose. But I just can't do it, I can't get myself to open this door. Almost like I'm paralysed and I'm unsure why.What if things will get better, and I will be more comfortable, I overcome my anxiety and will be ready to open up to people, finally make some new connections... by then I will have probably left uni, and missed so much stuff, all the cool stuff and events I've looked through today. Just like right now I regret missing out so much from all the other schools I've been to before.
I just don't know what to do. I'm mainly scared of people not understanding me, not knowing my struggles and what I'm going through. I don't want to end up looking like some weirdo who can't speak or behave properly, and just leaves half way or something. Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to feel like such an alien in this society? I don't get it. I don't know how I can get better.
How do I always end up rambling so much?? This has no right to be this long!!
Anyways, any advice would be highly appreciated. Believe in me - who believes in you
2
Comments
@JJLemon18 This sounds really difficult - what subject do you study?
A lot of people feel this way, myself included so you're not alone. It's really hard mourning things you've missed out on, and coming to terms with not progressing as you'd have liked. It's a good first step that you wish to do many things.
It may be useful to look at the things you want to do, and pick maybe one that seems the most manageable. With volunteering it's quite a good option as it's flexible, and you can choose how much or little you plan on volunteering, it could even be an hour! I volunteer at a bookshop for only about a couple of hours a week and I mostly help with background tasks like organising shelves and pricing as I'm not confident doing the till. Online volunteering might also be a good option if you're struggling to go out to do things. I've found that I like having something to do that keeps me busy, and also on a schedule (it helps get me up to keep a good sleep schedule).
You also mentioned joining societies which sounds like a good option too. Do you have something like a film society that you could join? From what I've heard people meet up to watch films so it's less pressure to socialise, but it gives you the option to be around other people. The other great thing about societies is that you don't have to go to every single event if that would be too stressful or if a certain event doesn't sound like your thing, so you could even just attend a couple of times a month.
It sounds like you're really nervous about taking the first step, which is completely normal. I've found the longer it is until an event making me nervous, the anticipation makes me worse. The first step is always difficult in terms of doing something new, but I've found once I've done it once and kept at it, after a couple of weeks it gets easier and more familiar. I would give yourself patience as progress is difficult, and it definitely doesn't happen overnight, but you will get there. As for being frustrated on being 'behind' everyone else in terms of achievements - everyone is on their own journey, you just need to try and focus on yourself, and allow yourself the kindness you would give others, which is easier said than done.
It might be worth taking someone you know if you're considering joining a society?
This sounds really difficult, new situations can be really complicated to navigate but it might help to strike up a conversation you have in common such as coursework. You could ask others what course they're doing, if their lecturers are nice, the coursework (is it interesting/fun/difficult/heavy). Or even about the society itself, for example if it's a film society, asking about their favourite film/actor/celebrity.
It's worth mentioning that it's not a weakness to admit that you're nervous - I've often found when I've admitted this on events like inductions, others have said the same thing! I would usually just say "I'm really nervous as I don't know anyone here" or something along those lines.
I sometimes struggle with social situations and striking up conversations but I found a website that gives useful suggestions: https://succeedsocially.com/
https://succeedsocially.com/articlesconversation
https://succeedsocially.com/articlesmakingfriends
I'm not sure if any of this helps but I hope things get better for you at university
I study software engineering, basically computer science but a bit different, I don't even know what the difference is tbh. Computers and programming used to interest me so much, but now they kinda annoy me, I realised I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. It just feels like a chore tbh, I dont feel curious or excited to learn something new about it anymore. Anyways...
I'm sorry to hear you feel this way too. Its so sad really, knowing you will never get this time back, and you have only one life, no second chances. Life is almost like a game where you can only play it once, but you're not given any instructions on how to play, and most of it is based on luck anyways. Idk, I still don't understand this world lol. I take everything so seriously for absolutely no reason, how do I just chill out and live life to the fullest without any regrets? Idk.
Really?? Had no idea thats how it worked. Sounds pretty great and very helpful tbh, especially by giving you this like small purpose and building some routine into your life. Will definitely look more into volunteering!
There probably is some film society. It does sound like the best place to start for me. But at the same time I'd prefer to watch stuff at home with my family, and choose what to watch. Sitting around other people and watching something is literally what my lectures look like haha.
With the bowling event. Last time I went bowling with my own family I was extremely anxious, so much in fact that I felt really lightheaded near the end of it. I'm absolutely terrified of being with peers my age, I find people my age extremely intimidating, probably because I just don't feel like I fit in at all. Ugh they make all the events sounds so good, so many events are mentioning how it's such a friendly space, how you can meet new people, make new friends etc. Which I know won't happen in my case but damn I just want to try and see what it's like yk. Though I'm also worried about leaving my comfort zone too much for the first time.
I promised myself I will go, and even if things go wrong, its not the end of the world and I will try again, do something different and so on. But the closer the date come the more I can't help but feel anxious.
ABSOLUTELY! I have 'joined' the society (that are hosting the bowling) all the way back in January and since then they only organised one meeting and it was while I was on holiday haha, so I havent had a chance to go anywhere. I thought about this lately, that if the society had hosted a meeting the day after I joined, I would have definitely attended. But since its been so long, each day that passed made me more and more anxious and now I'm terrified of going. But that's also a reason I think I have to force myself to go or it will just keep getting worse.
There isn't such person
Finding conversation topics and avoiding replying to every question with "idk" is extremely hard if you're me, with how slow I think and how my brain works. I know I'll look weird, it's guaranteed. I'm just never able to find the right words to say. I really don't talk like this irl trust me xD you don't know how much time I spend writing some of my posts.
Then I also overthink everything. Like do I try to talk with everyone? That might be weird or too much, but then who do I talk to? I either talk too much or not at all. (The second one more likely, especially with lots of people) And since theres no one to stop me here that's why I tend to write so much on these threads xD
What about saying "I'm absolutely terrified" lol. I know that it's very obvious when I'm stressed and nervous, so there's no hiding it, plus it could be helpful if others just know about it. But I also don't want to just continuously complain and tell everyone all the things I'm struggling with. Again, I just don't want to come of as a weirdo. I know not everyone is as compassionate and understanding as everyone here on the mix. In fact I don't believe there's much people like this out there at all...
Sorry its such a long reply.
Again, thank you so so much
That sounds quite interesting, but it makes sense if you don't feel like it's something you would want to do as a life-long career. I'm doing a social science course and there's a lot of different people, some joining as they know that's what they want to do, and some that decided a previous course wasn't for them, so chose this instead to try out. Hope you find something that interests you and that you're passionate about!
Yeah it is a shame, it's an awful feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone. I feel like I missed out on a fuller childhood and all of my teen years partially due to family circumstances, but mostly due to mental health issues. It's really hard watching from the sidelines seeing others experience things you know you will never have. I was watching a concert at my old school with some people in my year that stayed on for their last year and it really got to me that they were upset - about leaving. My school experience was really bad so it was difficult watching others my age crying happy tears, mourning a place that just about killed me.
Yeah it's really good! I found that I managed to build up a lot of social connections through volunteering (though it took a good few weeks) as you're around the same people. I volunteer at a couple of bookshops mainly because I like reading, and I'm also volunteering for a community project that will start up soon including a donation-based cafe.
That makes sense, I actually prefer watching a series rather than films just because I find them a bit long but I'm sure there's some other societies that you might be interested in.
That sounds really hard, I sometimes get that feeling of anxiety too. Is there anything that helps in those situations like listening to music or something? Maybe you could email the societies in advance just to let them know you're nervous but interested in attending the events?
I don't want to bombard you with websites but it might be useful to try and figure out what's making you nervous about the events (the people/judgement/crowds etc) so you can break down how to face these fears in a manageable way. I think a lot of people struggle with facing fears/unfamiliar situations, and I would tend to agree in that the longer people leave it, the more difficult it becomes to 'do the thing'.
There's a technique in CBT referred to as exposure therapy and you create a hierarchy of fears, from least to most anxiety-inducing. Then you plan to face these fears starting with the one causing the least anxiety, and only moving up a stage once it is no longer anxiety inducing, or causes limited anxiety. It's based on the idea of exposing yourself to events until you are desensitised to them. It can be used to various things including phobias, for example
CBT doesn't work for everyone but it might be worth giving it a go, but it might be difficult without the assistance of a therapist.
I've also '"joined" a society but not gone to any of their in person meetings so I'm just as guilty! I just look at the group chat and that's about it, but it's a start.
https://socialanxietyalliance.org.uk/exposure-therapy-and-hierarchies/
That completely makes sense, like a blank slate.
Absolutely if you feel comfortable with that! I've found when I've admitted to being nervous, a lot of people feel the same way! It also helps people understand your mannerisms and behaviours. I've recently had to contact student support about sleep deprivation so that my lecturers understand I'm not being rude or finding them boring - I'm just massively sleep deprived! I've found that if you're willing to share that you're struggling, a lot of people just want to be able to help or be there for you. Some people may not be as understanding but maybe they've not been there themselves, or they're just not the right people for you.
Thank you too! Hope things get easier and good luck with the society!
That sounds rough
Everyone's experiences will vary which is a cool part of life... well, until it isn't. Like no two people will experience school in the same way, some will find it the best time of their life, while others will find it traumatising. I also cried when I left school (once I got home lol), it was by no means a place I enjoyed, but I place I will miss. Now I can only imagine how hard it must feel for you... I'm sorry that your experience with school was so bad
Ooh a cafe sounds cool. Best of luck with that!
Yes, music is like a kill switch for my anxiety. Concentrating on music helps to calm me down, but I don't want to start listening to music on my headphones half way through a meeting, that sounds pretty rude and disrespectful. Although yes I know I should focus on myself, but if no one wants to hang around with me because I'm just living in my own bubble, then what's the point going?
Emailing the societies is probably a good idea, but would be really hard for me to do. Plus I wouldn't know how much to tell them, I don't want to go into too much detail. Beside, I'm not sure how much that could help.
That sounds like a great idea too, and it makes sense how exposing yourself gradually to things you fear more would help. I will probably be having CBT therapy soon so I will definitely try this out. Thank you!
And don't worry about bombarding me with websites haha, send all you want. I will look through them at my own pace anyways
Pretty much exactly the same. I just have the excuse that my society hasn't hosted anything since I joined haha.
Thats true. Sometimes I will reread my posts with a better/fresher mind and I realise how much my worries just don't make sense. If someone isn't understanding, that's their problem, not mine. And probably a good sign that I shouldn't surround myself with such people.
Thank you
You mention that there's plenty of things that you haven't done yet, and that looking at what others are doing makes you feel worse about yourself. And to some extent, that's completely understandable - when we see other people doing what we want to do, it makes us feel upset that we don't have that. But, that's not to say that you can't have that, or that you never will. You still have plenty of life to go, and that means you have ample time to be able to do those things. True, you may not have had those things in the past, or in this moment, but you can absolutely have them in the future - don't count yourself out just yet!
There's lots of opportunities to go to socials as you mention, and it sounds like you really care about it - spending a day looking through them is a lot of time, but I can understand it because so many societies host cool events! But there's something holding you back - it sounds like thinking about them more and more makes you feel less comfortable with going to them. You mention feeling scared that people won't get you, and that you don't feel ready. And, given what you've mentioned about not feeling like you've had real friends or interests, that makes complete sense - it's unfamiliar, it's uncomfortable, and you're really not sure whether this will work. And that might be why taking that step over the threshold is so hard - the longer we stay in our comfort zone, the harder it is to break out of it, because we're used to having that comfort and avoid disrupting that. It sounds like that's also the case for socialising - not knowing how to talk to people, or who to talk to. Both are things that come with practice, and it's hard to do that if you haven't been going out much and socialising. No one is born a natural conversationalist, it's a skill that takes effort and time to improve on.
It sounds like you're also excited by all the great things that could come of this - going bowling with a society that you've been with for a while sounds like fun! You'd be able to join in with something that you'd missed out on, and that perhaps by breaking out of your comfort zone, it might help you to feel less anxious. And it'd be a big step towards you starting to do the things that you felt you'd missed out on. Talking to people more would help you to become better at it, and people often discover new friends and hobbies through societies too!
There's something quite key that you mentioned: you want to chill out and live life to the fullest without regrets. And honestly, that sounds like the right idea. A lot of what you mention is what you're thinking about and what you're worried about. Despite your excitement to do these things, you hold back from doing them because you're worried, and the more you think about them, the less likely you are to do them. From my experience, I found the best way to approach this was to stop overthinking things so much, and just go to the event. Don't put any pressure on it, going to one event won't decide whether things will all work out or not. Just by going to the event and giving it a try, without any expectations of what might happen but instead facing what actually happens, you're doing the most important thing - taking that first step. It's by far the hardest thing to do, but once you're over it, the door is open - ready for you to come back once you're done for the day, and ready for you to walk out again
I love the metaphor of life is like a game, but that you don't know how to play. You might not know exactly what buttons to press, but from the way you've talked about this, it sounds like you've figured out some good strategies for it. They might work, or they might not, but you'll only know for sure when you play the game. If it goes well, you feel happy that you tried. And if it doesn't all go well, then we look over the strategy and try again. You only get somewhere if you play the game!
Some more practical things:
- You mention that you're scared that people won't understand you or know your struggles. And honestly, not everyone will, or even needs to. Because as long as they're patient and understanding, they'll give you the time and respect that you deserve. They might not know your story, or what worries you, but that's okay. Those people will be there for you in that time and place. Not everyone will stay, but that's fine - those that do are the ones we cherish
- On feeling nervous, that is completely natural, and understandable in your situation. Lots of people feel nervous around new people, and it's okay to feel that way. People will probably even mention it! But you don't have to tell people the entire story around why you're nervous - simply mentioning that you're nervous because you haven't been out much is enough for people to empathise and treat you with kindness. And about messaging the society, that's absolutely fine - I've had people message me, and I've messaged about it too. It's normal, and more people do it than you might believe. A simple message might read - "Hey, I'm looking forward to coming to the event, but I'm feeling nervous about attending. Would it be okay if I met you outside the building so we can walk in together?". And almost every society will be happy to oblige, because they'll be understanding - often times, they'll have felt the exact same way when they first joined, so they'll appreciate how you feel.
- On socialising, I think you're right - when we go with someone we know, we can feel more comfortable, but it also means that we're more likely to be shy, and either stay with that person, or let them do all the talking. Going alone can feel uncomfortable, but is the better option in this situation. You don't have to talk to every single person! Start with something small - maybe, you could try to talk to 3 people at the event. And if you've messaged the society about asking to meet outside, that's one face you'll already be familiar with. You could talk to the person next to you, or perhaps in your group if you're doing a joint activity. Don't place too much pressure on yourself, but setting a small, achievable goal helps a lot to gain confidence. Talking might not feel natural at the moment, and that's understandable. So you could ask questions about the person, what they're studying, what they've been up to this week etc. And you can offer some things about yourself too. Keeping it simple, and try to enjoy the time you're there together - do that, and you've had a pretty successful time out!
Appreciate that this was a long post, but I hope that it helps. I remember feeling like this, and can understand how difficult it is to break out of that comfort zone, but it was absolutely the right thing for me. I wish you all the best, and hope to hear from you soon about how you're getting on. It can be scary to put ourselves out there when we're not used to it, but there's lots of good-hearted people out there
Okay I think that's it then. Today I booked myself an entry to an autumn fair that my university is hosting, again I've never been to anything like this before. I am actually starting to feel the change, I realised that my entire perspective on the world has changed pretty drastically these couple of days. I can feel the anxiousness slowly turn into excitement, I cant wait for some of these events now haha. Its a weird feeling. Or maybe I'm just tired idk lol. Either way, I keep telling myself that it will be great. The worst thing that could happen isn't even that bad, I will overcome whatever bad might happen. I'm gonna try my best not to overthink anything going there, just take it for what it is. Its not gonna be easy, but is anything really?
Again big big thanks to you all! Idk what I'd do without this place
@Amy22 No worries, I'm glad you're finding it useful! It is a very extensive website but very useful, at least in my opinion!