Please help constantly going red in front of parents, don't who I am and living at home while dating

Distraction

I can't work out if I'm gay or what and it's so difficult trying to while living at home being in ur mid 20's, I feel bad going on dates and lying about how we met and who they are so I just don't tell my parents, say I'm going out with pals, which is hard to keep up.

Therefor trying to date the same person consistently is hard work and I haven't had sex cos my situation is so complicated and stressful + I think I'm a tiny bit scared if I do it with this girl I like, I might end up actually wanting to start something real which means I have to face who I am and tell my parents not only I've met someone but it's also a girl and you should hear what they say about people who aren't straight and just ur "normal" person.

I was away from home for a year and back again but should be leaving in another year, it seems mad to go rent some place and it'll cause arguments but sometimes I just wish I could breath, I also don't have the best job right now so can't really afford it.

The thing I really hate, when they ask all their questions, I really struggle with keeping my cool and end up going red which makes them angry cos they know somethings up, I can't stop it and I hate it which makes it happen more, they could even just be in conversation and say words like date or gay and I'd be a beetroot.

I know I should just get my shit together but this year before I go back to my real job and get on with my life is going to be so bad, at least if I'm away, I'm not judged or bombarded.

Thanks
EDIT, in short, I feel anxious at the thought of being bi/gay and others knowing cos I don't even know if I fully am, it's stressing me out, I like this girl but I can't even go on a second date cos home life makes it hard

also my mother who we don't speak to is gay and that'd just be the cherry on top comment from everyone, like mother, like daughter and I would hate that.

lunarcat522

@Distraction There's no rush on having to figure out who you are, but I completely understand why being confused and not knowing can be really stressful. I would just remember that you don't owe anyone a label/explanation or even coming out. If you're honest with who you're dating that you're still figuring things out they should be understanding, and if they're not then they're maybe not the right person for you. You don't have to tell your parents if you don't want to, if you want to open up to people it should be because you want to, not out of feeling obligated.

It can be really difficult receiving speculation from others on your personal relationships and sexuality, I've personally experienced it and I know how uncomfortable and invasive it feels. I would just say to try your best and reaching out even here is a great first step, you're doing great

lunarcat522

@Distraction About going red, I'm not sure whether it would help to maybe try out some concealer? Not a long term fix but it might help it be less obvious?

Azziman

Hey @Distraction, it sounds like you're going through a difficult time at the moment. If you're not sure about your orientation, that's okay - there's no rush to apply a label, and it's fine to take the time to figure out who/what you like. I can understand it feels frustrating to not know, but it's better to take the time and understand yourself better to reach the "right" answer, instead of coming to a conclusion quickly even if it might not be one you're comfortable with.

I'd say that you don't have to share who you're seeing with your parents, but it sounds like they do ask you a lot of questions about this topic. Remember that if you're not comfortable to talk about it, it's okay to say that you don't want to talk about this - you're allowed to keep information to yourself if you like! I know it's hard, but I'd try not to focus about how you'd deal with parents if something serious does form - instead, give yourself the liberty to explore that connection, and you'll be able to deal with your parents when the time comes if something does happen. By that time, you might have moved out anyways, in which case it would be a little easier to talk about?

On going red, it sounds like you're reacting strongly to certain things they say. Living at home does have its perks, but you might find it difficult to have much personal space. In that case, I think it's a case of finding a way to keep your cool in that situation. We can't control what others say, but we can control how we react to them. It's easier said than done of course, but might be your best strategy while you're living together with them.

You're not alone through this, we're here to support you

Former Member

Hi @Distraction , this all sounds so overwhelming for you.
Your sexuality is unique to you, and if you don’t feel like you fit into a label that’s completely fine! It’s also fine to be confused, in fact it’s such normal way to feel. There is no right answer, and no matter your orientation , it does not define you as a person.
This is a personal journey and you don’t owe anybody a discussion or explanation you don’t want/are not ready to give.
If it’s possible, maybe you could try setting some firm boundaries with your parents that this isn’t a topic you want to speak about, though I know that’s a lot easier said than done.
Keep doing what you’re doing, getting to know people within contexts you are comfortable with. It should all fall into place one day, and you’ll wonder why you were ever worried.❤️
Also, as someone who is constantly going red in most social situations, sometimes it feels like something you can’t control. If you wear makeup, a green concealer/ primer under your base can help counteract the blushing. Don’t be hard on yourself though, it’s a bodily reaction to suggest you are overwhelmed and nothing to be ashamed about.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out 🤍