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I don't know
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,085 Boards Champion
I wanted to write this in the 'I need a hug' thread but decided to make a new thread instead (that rhymes funny lol). I'll just be writing my thoughts and venting here to not take up too much space over there.
I'm ruining everything, I've messed up my holiday now and I don't know what to do
I've even started ignoring my aunties calls and my response to every single question is literally 'I don't know'. I've never ever felt this bad.
I don't even have the energy to explain it, plus I'd probably end up saying all the same things over and over again. I just want to stop thinking for once, I want to stop caring about every single small detail and every second wasted. I already have a million regrets, and I keep making more...
No one wants to give me any time or space, I do need a lot of it sure, but I just can't take all that's been happening. No one understands how I feel, no one can help me. I really feel alone. And yes I do have a couple people I can vent to but venting can only do so much.
Why do I believe a real hug can actually solve all my problems??
Ngl I kinda want to just shrivel up and disappear then come back like a year later and see what's changed lol.
I'm ruining everything, I've messed up my holiday now and I don't know what to do
I've even started ignoring my aunties calls and my response to every single question is literally 'I don't know'. I've never ever felt this bad.I don't even have the energy to explain it, plus I'd probably end up saying all the same things over and over again. I just want to stop thinking for once, I want to stop caring about every single small detail and every second wasted. I already have a million regrets, and I keep making more...
No one wants to give me any time or space, I do need a lot of it sure, but I just can't take all that's been happening. No one understands how I feel, no one can help me. I really feel alone. And yes I do have a couple people I can vent to but venting can only do so much.
Why do I believe a real hug can actually solve all my problems??
Ngl I kinda want to just shrivel up and disappear then come back like a year later and see what's changed lol.
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
You mentioned that no one wants to give you any time or space and that you need a lot of it. People should give up themselves more to be available to people for the sake of helping the individual and benefitting their relationship with that person however, we must come to also understand that everyone is busy and caught up in their own dilemmas. It is not being selfish or that they do not care, they need to prioritise themselves first in order to allow them to do other things. On the other hand, maybe those individuals you have met may want to help you deep down but they do not know how to respond or help you. What I am trying to get at is that there is typically a reason to the actions and behaviour of humans.
Feelings are subjective therefore, of course no one will truly know how you feel completely. However, the greatest thing about humans is that we have the capacity to connect to another person at least half way. Not completely but half way. I, myself, may not fully relate to everything you are going through because we are individuals with our own lives but I do know for certain that I will be able to relate to you in some way and no matter what I will be at your side because I wish for everyone to reach their ideal and improved state.
This is not a criticism and I apologise if this appears to look like it but I would like to offer you some perspective.
Perhaps you really need a real hug instead of the virtual ones. After all, real physical hugs consist of feeling human warmth and the body's warmth reminds you that you are living and in the present here and now. I do concur with you on that. I too prefer a physical hug than a virtual one. Unfortunately I cannot run to you personally. What I can offer is being your friend and I am happy to continue to chat with you anytime. I wish you the best and I will walk with you on this journey.
You're right, people do live their own lives with their own problems, that's why I can't be angry at them in any way. I just wish it was different yk, I wish they understood how I felt and what I'm going through. I know I'm just complaining because I do have a lot of time and space, too much in fact, but even that is not enough for me anymore.
It would take 10 whole days to walk from the UK to Poland
But seriously, I think I'm complaining here too because I do get hugs from my mum, they feel nice but beside that they do nothing.
Again, thank you, I appreciate it a lot! I'm here for you too
(Trigger warning just in case)
I keep telling myself 'chill the fuck down, you will live!' But at the back of my mind I don't see it. Maybe the world is actually ending lol.
Something funny to end this post with. My brain right now:
https://images.app.goo.gl/soYJpuAKcm4EXvnc6
Sorry for the ramble, I probably shouldnt be writing all this. I will be okay. I have to be okay. There is no other way.
No no, that's completely okay. Arguably, it's better to put out your thoughts and feelings as even if it might consequently result in regret, you are attending to your current needs. It's more important to nurse your current internal needs so as to avoid potential inner troubles. So, I'm glad that you've posted.
I can see your resilience but also a strong desire of being in a peaceful state which your current messy life does not provide - a sort of desire determined to live. I believe this desire is a wonderful thing to possess, it's a fantastic strength which I would recommend to keep having by your side. However, this can also burden you as saying that you 'have' to be okay can transform this desire into a form of authority which can further oppress your current state. It is important to remember, like you've said, that things will be okay as that's a possibility that always exist which we cannot prove or disprove since we always exist in the present. We can make hard, convincing guesses about the future but not foresee it.
Sometimes I end up experiencing what you are currently experiencing as of now. I would also have the feeling of wanting to do something but not knowing what. For me, I would allow myself to succumb to my state and allow myself to stay in bed for days. It allows me to become one with my state, to experience it to its fullest and for it to settle down over time. It's not a nice process since you have to really experience these horribly overwhelming emotions yet its aftermath can be quite positive - some relief and inner stability. Other things which I find helpful are to:
I believe these provoke opposing emotions and shift my attention to something else, and so, they make me feel quite conflicted which I find as something positive as that means I can feel some positive emotions which I struggle to previously feel.
Idk if my coping strategies are helpful but hopefully, they'll help you find your own strategies.
I truly hope that you can experience some contentment because honestly, you're one that deserves it.
Sending hugs as big as the galaxy.
Yes, I did in fact comment here but I've made a little edit and suddenly my post was removed. I think it said that my comment will appear within a certain amount of time - perhaps it is being reviewed since I've edited it. This happened to me last time, so I believe the post will appear later today or tomorrow. I honestly hate that. Why does it always happen...
Anyways, I'm doing fine. Hbu? How are you feeling today?
I'm feeling okay today, didnt get out of bed yet so I cant say much.
@JJLemon18 lol, I mean there is something special about receiving real posts - I guess it's the anticipation for something only for you or since it's physical it feels like you're receiving a present but idk.
Since it's the next day, how are you feeling now? I'm aware of the struggle to get out of bed. Perhaps you can do some comfortable activity since having another comfortable thing/space beside your bed may help you get out of bed. Some people recommend making your bed uncomfortable so that you are forced to get up (this is typically done by removing the covers or setting a loud alarm). Perhaps you can make plans so you can have something to look forward to and convince yourself to get up. Although, depending on how low your emotional threshold is, I know how difficult it is to still get up despite these little changes. Do you have a pet? By having one, they can be your personal annoying loud alarm lol. They pretty much encourage you to have plans since you have to feed them and (depending on the animal) walk them. Though, I like to applaud you for being online and posting. It is a good start as it shows your desire to enter a better emotional state, so well done
As I mentioned that interaction with others can help, my DMs are always open and we can talk about anything - not only just your health but your interests, life, random thoughts, etc. You can use my DMs to rant too. I literally don't mind what. For me, it is important for you to have a space where you can be yourself and speak your mind.
I'll try to reply properly once I feel a little better. I hope you're well
I just want you to know that I can see how deeply exhausting this all is, not merely the constant thinking about death and simultaneous fear of that actually happening (and the consequences, like people missing you) but also the confusion that ensues around it all. I feel that because you are such an insightful and self-aware person, it's almost like a 'curse' in a sense (I hope that does not come across in a bad way, I sincerely mean it as a compliment) because every passing (or lingering) thought and feeling is something that you can think so deeply on and leave you so profoundly affected. It's no wonder you're left just replying 'I don't know' or not coming back to people as 'quickly' as usual, because in some ways you're left thinking: 'what is there to say?'.
No matter what we are here, I promise and I'll always want to listen even if you don't really want to talk
Thank you for sharing, I do some of these but there's one that I want to mention in particular, incense. I hate incense, the smell is just vile to me and I always get annoyed when my mum burns it haha. Maybe that's the point, to distract me by annoying me
I love the galaxy!
I agree... its a shame I literally disappeared from here after posting that lol.
And no I don't have a pet, I wish tho.
@AislingDM Again, you know exactly how I feel... And that didn't come across in a bad way, I agree, its a curse. But it seems to me like I'm only self aware with the negative stuff, I very rarely get a positive thought that makes me feel good about myself.
How about no