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Year ago today
Past User
In a holePosts: 0 Just got here
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It is fine. You do not need to share anything. But I would like to let you know that I am not the type of person who suddenly calls up on the cops because I understand that fear. I get scared that if I overshare with people like the university staff or my counsellor that something could happen to me/I will be reported to a service and I do not want anyone to do anything that goes against my will. Therefore, I truly understand what you are feeling and this lack of trust (something I still struggle with to this day). You do not need to believe me. I get it. The only reason I am responding to this is because being compared to people who just call the police and not consider how the other party thinks about it, is so low and disgusting. No wonder this world lacks trust in one another. Overall, I hope that whatever it is, that you are doing okay although this saying is so normalised.
Again, I completely understand this. I really mean it. Because you fear the worst and so do I, I would agree that it is too risky to say anything. Yet I understand too that you feel the need to say something because keeping it all in is so exhausting and is taking a mental toil on you.
I need some time to think about how we can both meet at the middle. What I mean by the middle is that of having a safe place where you can open up without anyone calling the police or services on you (unless you committed an evil act upon another person like murder). You deserve the right to express yourself without being called by anyone. I understand that us as peer supporters in the community must follow the rules however, I have another role and that is of an improver of social systems. I do not want to break the rules set for me but I do not want anyone to suffer in silence because of there being systems that forces someone against their will to be sent somewhere else. I get why systems like this are in place because they are concerned but this concern should be an agreement between both parties. It is your decision and life too.
When I was scared that someone might call someone on me, it was when I wanted to reveal my darkest thoughts and experiences. People get too easily scared by such things (I guess 'cause they live a pretty nice life without such great pains) and sometimes I wish people can just listen or help me out without calling some service on me. Luckily this fear helped me avoid ever having to experience the police being called or some other service. So, your fear is helpful to some degree. But I guess I didn't suffer in silence too much because I have a twin who knows exactly how I feel and I feel blessed by that fact. I know she won't report me because she understands and she helped me get through it all. Therefore, I believe you need someone like that. Someone who understands and can help you get through it without calling the police or whatever on you. Someone who you can trust and do not feel like you are in a pool of fear. Someone who can be your confessional booth (if I could put a metaphor to it). Allow me to be that person. My messages/dms are open.
I understand. I do relate on being the therapist friend to others but also to my family. I too have really bad trust issues. I can talk about how I might be feeling on the surface a little bit but I don't want to go in detail. I have gotten used to opening up a bit more online but still I can't really trust anyone. I do not want to force you to open up because that would be entirely coerced and deception upon your true desire. I want to find a way for you to trust people but I think trust starts by getting to know someone deeply and their morals and such. Only then you can know that you can trust them. It is a difficult process especially considering that both of us are dealing with terrible crap that others don't in a daily basis. I will keep trying... I will report to you if I can think of some ideas. I do not want you to be afraid of hiding yourself nor do I want anyone to report the police or services on you because you need to be yourself and release the dark thoughts within you without concern.
There is a lot of things in my mind now and my chest feels like it has been shot by an arrow. It hurts so much and I am trying to get my mind off things. I am playing a game called Project SEKAI and I can relate to some of the characters and what they are dealing with. There is a new event that came out today but on the JP server. There's this one character who is hiding herself from her parents and she fakes who she is in school and to others too because she is afraid of being a burden to others. However, she feels empty and hollow. She wants to give up. For such a game, to create a character so dark is so brillant because most people get scared of that. I do not know if you like playing games at all but if you do I would recommend this.
I won't give up and I will keep going and find a solution to this.
This is different to feeling generally suicidal when you have no immediate intention to end your life (sometimes called being 'passively suicidal'). We view this very differently. So we don't usually involve emergency services if you share that you feel suicidal, that you don't want to be here, that you want to end it (these posts are quite common here). Unless we believe you also intend to act on that.
Full details can be found in our confidentiality policy.
@Morgyn007 I hear you don't want to speak to crisis services, because of what they might do and because they don't help in the way you need them to. That's completely valid - they won't always be the right option for everyone and you should do what's best for you.
If you're not feeling safe right now though, I'd at least encourage you to not be alone with your thoughts. That could mean being with friends or family, sitting in a public place, being around or chatting to people online, or whatever does that for you.
In case you change your mind on speaking to crisis services, I've copied some info below to save you some clicks. You deserve to be cared for, and they're there if you need them: