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Here's a big fat ramble
yana
Community Champion Posts: 1,277 Wise Owl
This place feels like home to me, I've not even been here long but I'm more comfortable with people here than I am with most people in my life. But I don't have time or energy to come here anymore. I don't have motivation to do any of the things that make me happy and it's so so so incredibly frustrating because everything in my life is good. Like obviously it isn't perfect and I still have a lot of shit going on but I feel like I've worked so hard to get everything to the way it is right now. I have good friends, good family. But everything feels wrong. I can't explain it. I keep having nightmares and panic attacks in my sleep and I cry way too often and it's weird because when I was depressed I used to feel empty and I could never cry and my loneliness was like this all consuming force that would tear me apart but now it's so so incredibly different. But it's the exact same as well. I don't know if any of what I'm saying makes sense. I've been turning to people in my life efor advice and everyone is saying something completely different and everything is so so overwhelming and idk what to do. The worst part is i don't have support anymore like I used to because there's nothign wrong with me. Both of my addictions are seemingly in the past now and I've learnt to push the urges away and cope with all the negative memories and things so now I'm meant to be ok. And I am ok. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I feel so confident and I've been doing things I never would've done a few years ago. But this all just makes it worse because why do I still feel like there's a big black hole where my heart is? It's like no matter how amazing my life is going maybe I just don't deserve to be happy. The people in my life who I feel at home are all fading away like they're distant memories now. I can't explain this very well, I'm usually good at explaining stuff. Everything is just a jumbled up mess. I don't understand why i deserve this, I don't understand why this big stupid mental health monster won't just fuck off and let me be happy. I don't understand anythign and I hate that I don't understand it because I feel like I have no control and it makes no sense because I understad myself currewntly more than I ever have in the past but it makes no sense it makes no sense I feel like I just permanently can't breathe like a never ending panic attack I can't do anything right and I don't understand why this is all happening it doesn't make sesne
my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
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Comments
I definitely agree with @indieviolet regarding how our mental health journey's are not linear- you deserve grace and patience that comes with realising that. I hope that you're proud of all that you've accomplished, but I also hope that you don't carry the expectation to be happy with those wins. It is perfectly okay to feel like somethings missing, even when it seems like everything's okay. Sometimes, we just gotta allow ourselves to feel what we need to, in order to get through it, without pressuring ourselves to be happy- basically removing the expectations we create for ourselves. I'm sorry that everything feels so out of control- maybe it may help to focus on things that you can control? Like mindfulness breathing or how you've been doing things that you never though you would've, or choosing what support you can surround yourself with! (I think counselling is something you can look to- nothing has to be 'wrong' in order to reach out and request support, and I don't believe that's a healthy thought- to believe you can't ask for help because you aren't diagnosed with anything atm, if you believe it'll help please do reach out)
I truly want to reassure you that you are so deserving of happiness and it may not seem that way right now, but it's coming your way
@indieviolet thank u for ur lovely words! the thing is venting used to help me so so much, it's like i couldn't survive without therapy and then someone to vent to online between those sessions, I'd start feeling awful the days leading up to my next therapy session, I used to say to my mum it's like I need therapy to have like a top up of happiness and then i'll be ok till the next one lol. but now it's like no matter how much I vent I just still can't make sense of the way I feel and the thoughts in my head. in a way i feel like I've made sense of them now so it's like...ok what do i do now?? like i understand my mind but now what??? it's like understanding it makes me understand it even less. because i've worked my way around all the issues and worked on myself and yet i still feel like this, i don't get it.
@MatchaMia thank you toooo, u guys are all so sweet
@ebyrne556 thanks for the hugs!! besides a shitty headache today is going so well!! I picked up this little baby today...
ignore my mum's leg i coukdn't be bothered to crop the pic but omg isn't she soooo cuteeee
I think you explained it pretty well- It is difficult to figure out where to start in regaining control of what you can...maybe think of it as a joyride? Like yes maybe you can't control the gears in your car but you can control where you're driving, who your passengers are, who gets to ride shotgun?, how fast you're driving? It's changing your mindset which takes time in remembering that you're the driver and everything else can only be let into your space/car with your permission. Maybe your mental illness isn't a passenger, rather the steering wheel lock that you can remove and store in the car you know? I do agree that what I'm saying is good on paper but harder to practise so It will take time, but I hope I'm making sense.
How are you feeling since you first posted by the way?