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Some of what I'm going through
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
Hi, its very late but I just wanted to vent a little. Its gonna be one of those long ones again. I'm gonna try not to write with my feelings too much, last time I let my feelings control me I made a post that made TheMix think I'm unsafe.
On Friday I've been to London with my family. It was supposed to be a fun trip, at least for the most part. (The ride back was supposed to be 2 hours long but because of traffic jams it took 6 hours... yea, it wasn't fun. That is the reason I made that post in the I Need A Hug thread so late into the night.)
This trip generally went well, but I wasn't feeling it. I felt so disoriented and confused most of the time. Lately I have this big problem where I find it super hard to focus and I'm so unaware of my surroundings, almost like I'm tunnel visioning to an extreme level. Maybe I'm being 'disconnected' but no grounding techniques seem to work. Also feeling disconnected was described to me as "standing outside looking through the window inside at everyone else having fun without you" (or something like that), but to me it feels like I'm standing outside looking through the window but the blinds are down. I started thinking about it like everything is feeling foggy or cloudy, but its not really. There is this funny meme that I think perfectly shows how I see right now:
Everything looks so real and clear, but at the same time you have no idea what is happening. I love this image.
And obviously, its not as bad as it is in the meme. But we were on the London eye (waited like an hour in the queue in the burning heat) yet I can't recall most of it, it feels so vague in my mind that sometimes I'm questioning if I actually was in London or was the whole trip just a dream... It was like my mind was so flooded with so many depressing thoughts that it drowned out my consciousness. I remember some of those thoughts very clearly though.
And speaking of thoughts. I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately, like a lot lot, and I've never had much intrusive thoughts before, they're something new for me. Most of them are really bad, but I have full control over them and I don't act upon them. Though their presence is starting to feel overwhelming and it's been kinda worrying me. I started trying to avoid them, for example looking away from things that are triggering them, but I hate it, if I carry on like this then I'll end up completely shutting myself away.
I'm having family over and they're leaving today afternoon, some of them will probably never visit us here again. And they started asking me why I always look so sad, and it fucking hurts. I don't want to look sad, I don't want to avoid them, but I can't help it. I'm wasting another opportunity where something nice is happening in my life. My family have started to get worried about me now, they see I'm no okay, I can't hide the sadness anymore. Why do I feel the worst in the best situations, like the London trip or family visit? Why can't I feel this sad on lonely days with nothing to do?
Something else I wanted to mention. My anxiety has been getting a lot worse with each day, which is weird as I'd assume it should start going away by now, I'm much more aware of it now and I know some ways to counter it. Yet it's still getting worse. Now I can no longer have 1-2-1 conversations with some family members as I'd start to stress out too much. I'm genuinely worried how I'd cope with this when I return to uni on campus, I got a panic attack last time I've been there. I hope it doesn't get worse.
And okay, last thing I wanted to talk about (sorry for writing so much). I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about myself. In short, I hate myself. Everything I say or do feels so fake. I feel like I'm a bad person inside that's trying their best to seem nice, but its so hard. Most of the time I don't know what to say or how to react, it is often so much easier to just be rude. I'm not sure if that's just me but it feels like other people are just naturally so caring and nice and polite. Am I not supposed to be a nice person, am I actually a horrible person who falsely believes they are nice, is that just who I am? Those are questions I've been asking myself a lot. However, lately I have been trying to love myself for who I am. I've had genuine moments where I thought to myself "man, I'm so cool" or "I'm so funny" or "wise" or "kind". Moments where I accepted my flaws and appreciated some of my good traits. It felt nice for a while, I felt some value in myself after all.
But in the end... what is a gold bar really worth, when it is sitting at the bottom of the ocean?
On Friday I've been to London with my family. It was supposed to be a fun trip, at least for the most part. (The ride back was supposed to be 2 hours long but because of traffic jams it took 6 hours... yea, it wasn't fun. That is the reason I made that post in the I Need A Hug thread so late into the night.)
This trip generally went well, but I wasn't feeling it. I felt so disoriented and confused most of the time. Lately I have this big problem where I find it super hard to focus and I'm so unaware of my surroundings, almost like I'm tunnel visioning to an extreme level. Maybe I'm being 'disconnected' but no grounding techniques seem to work. Also feeling disconnected was described to me as "standing outside looking through the window inside at everyone else having fun without you" (or something like that), but to me it feels like I'm standing outside looking through the window but the blinds are down. I started thinking about it like everything is feeling foggy or cloudy, but its not really. There is this funny meme that I think perfectly shows how I see right now:
And obviously, its not as bad as it is in the meme. But we were on the London eye (waited like an hour in the queue in the burning heat) yet I can't recall most of it, it feels so vague in my mind that sometimes I'm questioning if I actually was in London or was the whole trip just a dream... It was like my mind was so flooded with so many depressing thoughts that it drowned out my consciousness. I remember some of those thoughts very clearly though.
And speaking of thoughts. I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately, like a lot lot, and I've never had much intrusive thoughts before, they're something new for me. Most of them are really bad, but I have full control over them and I don't act upon them. Though their presence is starting to feel overwhelming and it's been kinda worrying me. I started trying to avoid them, for example looking away from things that are triggering them, but I hate it, if I carry on like this then I'll end up completely shutting myself away.
I'm having family over and they're leaving today afternoon, some of them will probably never visit us here again. And they started asking me why I always look so sad, and it fucking hurts. I don't want to look sad, I don't want to avoid them, but I can't help it. I'm wasting another opportunity where something nice is happening in my life. My family have started to get worried about me now, they see I'm no okay, I can't hide the sadness anymore. Why do I feel the worst in the best situations, like the London trip or family visit? Why can't I feel this sad on lonely days with nothing to do?
Something else I wanted to mention. My anxiety has been getting a lot worse with each day, which is weird as I'd assume it should start going away by now, I'm much more aware of it now and I know some ways to counter it. Yet it's still getting worse. Now I can no longer have 1-2-1 conversations with some family members as I'd start to stress out too much. I'm genuinely worried how I'd cope with this when I return to uni on campus, I got a panic attack last time I've been there. I hope it doesn't get worse.
And okay, last thing I wanted to talk about (sorry for writing so much). I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about myself. In short, I hate myself. Everything I say or do feels so fake. I feel like I'm a bad person inside that's trying their best to seem nice, but its so hard. Most of the time I don't know what to say or how to react, it is often so much easier to just be rude. I'm not sure if that's just me but it feels like other people are just naturally so caring and nice and polite. Am I not supposed to be a nice person, am I actually a horrible person who falsely believes they are nice, is that just who I am? Those are questions I've been asking myself a lot. However, lately I have been trying to love myself for who I am. I've had genuine moments where I thought to myself "man, I'm so cool" or "I'm so funny" or "wise" or "kind". Moments where I accepted my flaws and appreciated some of my good traits. It felt nice for a while, I felt some value in myself after all.
But in the end... what is a gold bar really worth, when it is sitting at the bottom of the ocean?
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
1. Putting your hands in water: Although you can play with stress balls and soft toys and etc, for me, filling up the sink and playing with the water with your hands is very calming and I feel a bit in the present moment.
2. Savour a scent: I use an incense stick but you can use scented candles too. Its strong scent is strong enough for me to pay attention to it and concentrate on what it smells like, making me exist in the present. Also, it feels relaxing.
3. Dance or play an instrument: Just randomly jamming out to a song, playing Just Dance or Dance Central (DC is superior to me), you are focused on the dance or just going with the flow with the song which makes you present. Also playing an instrument makes you focused on the task itself and if you are a musician and/or love music, give it a go.
4. Listening to music: Focus on the lyrics and melodies and all the instruments put together. Discover the time signature, the notes per bar, is it going legato or not and etc.
I wish I can respond to the intrusive thoughts part, however I would like some time to think it out first. Nonetheless, I hope that my grounding recommendations might be of some help. I am both rooting for yourself and myself in steering away from our world of disconnection. I and TheMix community will be here to help you so do not be afraid to ask for some advice or help. Also, it is okay to vent a bit. It helps us clear our mind and can make us feel a bit better. Keeping it all bottle up can make you feel mentally and physically sick. Therefore, I am happy that you chose to vent a bit.
Sending hugs,
Amy22
It sounds like you're experiencing quite a few things here - negative thoughts, higher anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and a feeling of disorientation. That's a lot to deal with in one go, so it's completely natural to feel confused about it all. It's okay not to feel okay. Sometimes, we can have things happen (like seeing family, or going on a cool trip!), but if we're not feeling in the right mental space, we don't enjoy it, even if we feel like we should. There's no guilt or shame in feeling how you feel, and it sounds like your family were concerned about your wellbeing too.
Have you spoken to a GP or doctor about this? It sounds like there's a lot going on and that it's getting worse, but you don't have to bear this burden alone. Speaking to a doctor would be helpful, as they will listen to you, and provide you with the support that you need to deal with this. GPs also often offer services such as talking therapies or groups, which might be helpful here.
We're also here for you through this! But if you'd like to speak to someone in a different way, there are alternative services available for you:
- The Mix has various services that you can contact for support: https://www.themix.org.uk/about-us/contact-us
- Similarly, Samaritans can be reached through a variety of avenues, depending on your preference: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Your ideal self really does make you question who you are, though in my opinion (if anyone is willing to enter the debate of personal identity with me, believe me, the debate will not rest easily), we are simply what we are, from everything we think, feel, and do no matter how aware we are of them. We shouldn't reduce ourselves to a few words which I believe isn't enough to describe the paradoxical, complex beings we are. So, in a way, it's good to not be able to define yourself as it reflects this.
Loving yourself is a difficult feat as inevitably we will come to hate ourselves at times; I might even say that loving yourself is impossible because of this inevitability. However, I believe we can come to accept ourselves instead of love, as I feel that to accept is to recognise our flaws and embrace them for what they are and the troubles we will face because of their existence. I believe this may help slightly reduce the intense hate one may have for oneself.
A gold bar sitting at the bottom of the ocean may mean so much to some and others not, depending on who you are. For me, worth is ultimately an everchanging incalculable concept, as it only can be felt, and thereby, understood in the short present moment. To me, you are worthy. The way you speak about your thoughts and emotions is so well-said and relatable - it comforts me and makes me feel a little better that I'm not the only one that feels that way too (it almost made me cry when you talked about your feelings of disconnection and struggle to find a coping mechanism). Even though I may have not witnessed all of your traits, it doesn't negate the aspect I appreciate about you and this is enough for me to deem you as worthy.
Ugh, the disassociation is such a pain. I've realised that it also plays a big part in why I feel like shutting myself away. Yesterday my family decided to go on a small trip and I really didn't want to go, and so I stayed home and realised that (because of the disassociation) I didn't want to be there then not enjoy myself and later not remember that I've even been there (which is exactly what happened with the london trip).
Its also why I avoid photos so much, I don't want to look at these photos later and have bad memories associated with them. There's nothing more sad than looking at a family photo knowing that you didn't even feel like you were there when the photo was being taken, and no other family member knows.
Also I've just realised this disassociation of mine has started sometime just before I joined the mix, I remember one of my first posts talking about it, had no idea what it was back then. And I can see now how much worse it has gotten since.
All day yesterday I was fully aware that I made a big post but I couldn't remember exactly what I said. I've reread it now and it seriously feels like someone else wrote it, its so scary but fascinating in a way. Everything I said I agree with though, its just written in a way that feels like it isn't me. Anyways, I'm rambling. That's why I'm very hesitant to post stuff here on the boards, because at times it feels like I don't even know what I'm saying, like I'm not me.
@marcellus_beauregard Sorry to hear that you too have to deal with feeling disconnected. Depersonalisation definitely sounds like something I could be going through. I'm curious though, what exactly is the disassociation like for you? Does it show up only from time to time or is it constantly getting worse until you do something to ground yourself? For me it is constantly (but slowly) getting worse without ever really letting go.
Thank you for sharing some of your grounding techniques. Although there is a bit of a problem here, none of these are really possible when I'm standing in a crowded queue in the burning sun in the middle of london haha.
"Putting your hands in water" - I've been recommended and tried many techniques that involve touching stuff and the environment, unfortunately none of them seem to work at all, they just make me feel awkward.
"Savour a scent" - I've tried this one too, it smells nice but still doesn't seem to make me feel any less disconnected to everything around me, you could say the only thing I connect to is the candle.
"Dance or play an instrument" - First of all, I can't dance haha. But I can sort of play the piano. Now this one does kinda work, playing the piano or playing some video game makes me feel a little connected. However the problem comes when I stop. I get so focussed on playing that when I stop I feel even more disconnected since the piano/game is the thing I was connected to (if that makes sense?). Its kind of why I play so much games recently, they let me feel something nice for a while. I'm scared I'm overdoing it though, I guess I'm trying too hard to 'cope'.
"Listening to music" - This one is weird, because I do listen to a LOT of music. I feel like music really helps me from thinking too much. For the 6 hour car ride from london I forgot to take my headphones with me, and I had to spend the entire ride just sitting there with nothing to focus on, I felt like I was gonna go crazy. So yea, I can confirm music does help but its often the same situation as above, where I get so focused on the music that I can't concentrate on anything else, and when I turn it off I feel even more disconnected.
I'm sorry. Either I'm doing these techniques wrong, or what I'm going though isn't actually disassociation, or there's just something else I don't understand. I'm glad they work for you though, even if just a little. I wish you best of luck in beating this disassociation! Sending hugs
@Amy22 I will definitely try this, thank you for the advice!
I agree. I have a feeling that these thoughts have started to show up so often because of the disassociation, I feel like I am 'in my head' too much and everything inside is just overwhelming so these thought start popping out all of a sudden. I assume if I learnt to be more connected these thoughts would start going away. And yea, music sure helps to keep my mind off of stuff.
Thank you! Though I wouldn't call it 'brave' when I'm only half aware of doing it haha.
@Azziman Yea it is a lot to deal with in one go. What's sad is that there's a lot more I'm struggling with than just these, and they all pile up and overlap and its just too much for my brain to handle.
You know what, I feel like I say too much sometimes here on the boards, yet there is still a lot I haven't mentioned. Which makes sense, like I don't think anyone here has said absolutely everything they're struggling with, but it just bothers me how many things I have to deal with. For example, yesterday I got a panic attack when I was home alone
I often get thoughts like 'maybe its not it, maybe I'm making some of it up' then I feel bad for complaining and rambling so much. Then I get people tell me its brave when I don't see it that way.
I guess. But its so sad since these family members probably won't visit us here in england anymore. Its so hard not to feel horrible for wasting an opportunity that may never come again, I'm saying 'wasted' as if it didn't happen, but it feels that way, when I don't enjoy myself in a situation where I should, it feels wasted.
Not yet, I'm hoping to get a visit soon before we leave for holiday (because I really really want to feel at least a bit better until then), but they have no appointment spaces at all. We could go for an emergency appointment but I was told they are much shorter and I don't want to rush it. But with all that I'm going through I wouldn't even know what to start with.
Thank you for the advice and links!
@CaniceQ Funny you say that because this reply has already gotten very long and I haven't even started responding to what you said haha. I imagine you all seeing this and rolling your eyes like 'not again'
I sort of get what you mean by my 'ideal self'. I'm trying my best to just accept who I am and let go of the idea of being 'perfect'. I just wish to be truly happy, though just that feels like its as far away as perfection. I understand there will be lows, there will be times where I will feel lost, but when looking back at my life I was always lost, there were so many things and experiences I've missed and many I won't have the ability to ever try. That's what bothering me, that my life is just slipping by and I'm still just sitting here doing nothing about it. I'm studying a damn subject I don't even like anymore...
These are the kind of the thoughts that have been flooding my brain recently, there's plenty more but this is fundamentally it.
Awww, thats so sweet!
Thank you for this. Remember I'll be always here if you want to talk more about what you're going through. I'm sending big hugs! (whatever you imagine they may be today
Quickly going back to the gold bar thing. I was more thinking of myself as this 'gold bar', but imagine this instead; I have a gold bar, but I throw it in the ocean. It is technically still mine, but I can't see it, I'm theoretically rich, but I can't spend it. So what is it worth for me if the only thing I can do is talk about it?
What is the point of me being 'kind' or 'wise' when I have no chance to use these attributes (assuming they're true lol), when I spend all the time sitting in the house alone or being stuck in my head?
Anyways, sorry for rambling so much. Thank you again guys! I'm sending lots and lots of hugs to you all!
Intrusive thoughts can make you feel overwhelmed and even anxious for no reason too especially when they come at different times. Do you find that your intrusive thoughts come more in the day or the night?. I'm glad though that you reached out on here and I hope you are doing okay at the moment.
At the moment I'm fairly alright, just disconnected a bit, it makes replying here kinda difficult when half the time I can't focus and I don't know what to say. But thank you. I hope you're doing okay
I understand. These techniques are somewhat temporary and I struggle with what you are going through as well. After playing a video game, listening to music, or playing an instrument, the dissociation does get worse or I feel empty. I am still attempting to find ways to solve this and even discuss with my counsellor about this too. If you are outside, my counsellor recommends bringing a stress ball to help or a fidget spinner. However, that does not help too much for me rather I do something else. I bring a book or have chess already downloaded on my phone. Reading can distract you and bring you to another world or playing chess, you are focus on the board and winning. If you forgot to bring your head phones, what I do is sing or hum the song in my head. Another is placing your hand on your pulse or heart and remind yourself that you are alive (the heart and pulse signalises life). I am sorry that my advice might be useless however, when I do find techniques that are more successful and effective, I will message you.
Dissociation is a really subjective experience that depends on the individual. Like you said sometimes it can be constant for some people, other people is only on some occasions. For me, when I am feeling empty dissociation occurs and sometimes even if I am feeling fine and having a chill day, it suddenly happens for some strange reason. So my dissociation is pretty inconsistent. It is slowly getting worse as I never realised it but I have been dissociating as a child (due to trauma reasons) and because I continue to live in that space of trauma and reminded of it constantly, my dissociation has been becoming worse. However, my counsellor made me realised that this dissociation is a coping mechanism that I decided unconsciously to use ever since I was a kid. Realising the reason has been somewhat helpful. Maybe you should think about where this dissociation has come from and when it started. It might give you some insight.
I hope this could be of more help and I will do anything in my power to find a solution.
This sounds super interesting, I'll have to try it!
Its absolutely not useless, its helping you, and even though it might not help me, it definitely gives me some ideas that I can learn from. So really, thank you for sharing them! And if I figure something out then I'll also let you know
That's weird, my 'disassociation' seems a bit different from yours, though you're right, different people will experience different things. I've been thinking a lot about any possible trauma that could have gotten me into this situation, since I do have a couple gaps in my memory. Though I can't imagine anything this bad that could have happened. From what I know, I've been through some rough things in my childhood but nothing seems to have been so traumatic to have affected me in this way. Maybe I'm just the type of person who can be traumatised just by getting stung by a bee... Or maybe I don't know what disassociation is really like, and I'm just experiencing something completely different idk.
And thank you for sharing what its like for you @marcellus_beauregard, it sounds really frustrating but I'm glad you're still fighting and trying to find a solution to this. I wish you all the best in this battle, remember you're not alone! Take care
Perhaps you can describe what your dissociation is like to me? Maybe it is a different form of dissociation.
Also, the part where you said that you have a couple gaps in your memory is relatable. Things just seem like a blur. Sometimes I even question if they have ever happened or I am just dreaming of it. But I do think that might be a part of dissociative amnesia but I am not too sure so don't take my word for it.
I've always wondered what true happiness is, is it just a concept, a difficult experience, or a possible experience that is temporary and this temporariness makes one forget that it is possible?
You said that
"when looking back at my life I was always lost, there were so many things and experiences I've missed and many I won't have the ability to ever try. That's what bothering me, that my life is just slipping by and I'm still just sitting here doing nothing about it."
I think what is great is that we have the ability to try new future experiences and from it, despite it not being exactly the same, are able to experience similar things like those things we could have experienced. And even possibly, we can experience much greater things thanks to our lost experiences than if we did experience what we could have.
Seeing that you're possibly experiencing a form of disassociation, I'm aware of how difficult it is to be in the present time and to try to get involved in your life. This happened to me when I went to a convention and I was quite upset, as I was disassociating to the point that I couldn't truly enjoy the event and I experienced so much regret. I really never care for experiencing real things (except desolate places) as I'm stuck in my head, but that one convention made me care for experiencing a real thing. From that event, I've decided that I need to find a way to truly experience things, but I thought it to be difficult for me since I disassociate constantly and I've always lived in my head. If you look at sites such as Mind, it mentions how disassociation is a coping mechanism so in a way, despite its quite damaging effects, it serves to protect us. Because of this, I thought that if I perceive it that way, like a shield as I walk through reality, perhaps I would merge my disassociative world and the real world so I can at least experience snippets of life. Perhaps that way of thinking could help you. I can sense hopelessness in you and I would like you to remember that where lacks hope exists hope, and as we're granted a special ability that is called 'will', we have the power to stir hope in our direction.
Same here, I'm studying a subject that I don't even like however, I've decided to change my course to one that can keep me a little interested and one that wouldn't stress me too much (hopefully). So, I wonder...is it possible for you to change your course?
Also, don't worry, I did not roll my eyes 😂 I really should employ more emojis to avoid this. I'm not much of a reactive person and it's quite difficult for me to show emotion, irl you would hear me saying things in a monotone voice whilst trying to show some emotion but what you'll see is just a malfunctioning machine lol.
Going on the gold bar thing. No matter your attributes, you don't need to make it useful nor do you need to present it to the outside world. Isn't it just enough to have yourself, to have attributes which are evidence that there are some colourful distinctive elements in your existing body which prove your individuality? DO 👏 NOT 👏 SPLiT 👏 YouRSElf 👏 ApART👏 aND 👏 MAke 👏 THEM👏 GOLD 👏 BARs!
(note: I didn't know how to express my emotions there, I just suddenly decide to use the clapping emoji - this may be the first time I kinda show this emotion)
I would really like you to experience some joy right now. For me, I tend to listen to music that helps me experience that and hopefully, this will help.
I recommend listening to Abel Korzeniowski's Emily soundtrack, it made me experience an experience itself, perhaps there's a track you'll love
@CaniceQ Now that is a good question. Maybe it is a goal, a concept that we strive towards. Without this goal many people would just give up, this idea that true happiness exists is hope. And if it was a lot easier to get to, then it wouldn't be worth anything. Imagine if everyone could get a Porsche for free (no effort), everyone would have one and it wouldn't feel so nice anymore. I'm not saying that happiness is only for a few, because with enough time and effort everyone could possibly get a porsche. I'm saying that the journey that one must take to get to happiness, makes the happiness so much more worth it. Idk if I make any sense or am just rambling haha.
I feel that, its exactly what I felt during the london trip. Its kind of this regret as if you didn't go at all, but you did. I start beating myself up for it like 'why are you not enjoying yourself? You're there, you're taking part, what else do you want?'
Thinking of it as a shield is such a positive way to see it. If you can't beat it, join it. Fighting it could be a way to make it even worse, since as I'm beating myself up for not enjoying myself, I'm not focussed on something that could actually give me joy instead.
I've been thinking a lot recently about the phrase "ignorance is bliss", by brain decided to take that personally haha. Now I just want to feel again. And its not that I can't feel emotions, I do. Its that the emotions are vague, as if hidden behind a door that I'm scared to open, I can't see them, I can just listen. If I do open the door all the emotions just mix together and its overwhelming.
Will? Never heard of it... But seriously, that is a great way to put it. Yesterday my doctor told me that its great that I'm taking a step forward in this, but I replied with 'its a shame that for every step forward I take, I take 3 steps back'.
She told me that I should go out and start exercising, go for a walk at least, so you know what I did? Got home and went straight into bed.
Actually, maybe that's why I'm 'disassociating' so much recently, I'm staying in one place for so long that it all just starts blurring together... It started just before the time I joined the mix, which was around the time my semester ended and I stopped going on campus. This meant I stopped walking from uni and taking the bus, started staying at home almost all the time. It would actually make sense...
I'm extremely conflicted about changing my course; I don't want my two years to have been wasted, my parents don't want me to quit this at all, I'm worried that I'll have the same problems with a new course, or it will be even worse. I'm thinking of finishing this course, then starting a different one maybe? Not sure how it all works, its all a bit much for me.
What course are you studying?
Hey, me too!
And don't even get me started on emojis haha
(ngl all those emojis you used later were sooo distracting, I couldn't concentrate on reading what you said with all those emojis in the corner of my eye xD It made me really smile tho)
Honestly, no. Prove to who? Myself? Even though I'm not too happy about myself, I accept that that's who I am. I just wish I wasn't so alone, I wish I could give something nice to the world. Maybe that is my purpose, maybe that is my true happiness, just making someone else happy...
There is always a first
Abel Korzeniowski is Polish! I immediately knew because of his surname haha. I listened to the whole soundtrack while writing this reply, its actually really nice, I enjoyed it! I didn't have any particular track that is my favourite, they're all very peaceful and kind of calming. Thank you for sharing it! Any ones which are your favourite?
Some tracks gave me subtle vibes of the ost from the game Hollow Knight which I really love (though most tracks are a bit more violent should I say), would recommend checking it out. If you want I could recommend some specific tracks?
Now that I'm relistening to it, there are only a few tracks and parts that are similar, most of them are very different. Oh well.
Anyways, take care! Sending hugs
Indeed. I like the idea of the journey to happiness making happiness itself more worthy than merely receiving it. I guess it is the work to get there which adds more value and makes it more special, especially since it becomes more personal as it is 'you' who must undergo the journey.
Same here, I do feel emotion but I fear feeling an overwhelming abundance of it. I consider myself a thinker and so it is easier for me to process a few emotions at a time.
When studying dystopian literature, my teacher mentions that progress in the real world is like 1 step forward but 2 steps backwards simultaneously. It is a shame to know this and witness this daily, even in the political sphere. Though, it may be a good thing to go backwards as once you get familiar with it, you can easily move up the steps and perhaps move more than one step forward. This might be wishful thinking. Or Maybe progress doesn't involve steps at all if we are always going backwards, but I wonder what else it could be.
I guess for me, I'm the type of person who is pleased enough to prove my individuality to myself. Based on what you've said, you are the type of person that seeks to make a meaningful contribution to the world. I remember talking about personality types and enneagrams with you. You should really check out Enneagram because I believe your dominant Enneagram type is 4 based on what you've said. If you search this up, this might help you understand yourself more. Though, I'm not sure which enneagram you are in particular, 4w3 or 4w5.
My favourite track is The Strange One, Freedom in Thought, Boundless, O Night and Stars! (which is just 'The Strange One' but developed). However, I also love his other music from other albums too, such as Wayward Sisters, Melting Waltz, Little Deceptions, and Ghost Waltz.
I definitely heard of Hollow Knight but I never came to play it yet. It looks beautifully eerie and the main guy looks so cute. What is the game about?
I've listened to the soundtrack and so far I like Greenpath, Queen's Gardens, and Crossroads. It's so beautifully calm and magical; I've already added it to my playlist. The track 'Greenpath' is my favourite, it's so fantastical and it oddly made me smile. Do you have a favourite track?
Thank you for sharing this.
I used to study English and French but I couldn't stand French, so I'm changing it to Liberal Arts which I believe is the best option since I'm the type of person who is into different types of topics across different fields, typically topics I'm interested in is about human beings, reality, our minds, emotions, and personal identity. So I can pretty much design my degree around these interests (so basically, I can merge Psychology, Philosophy, and English). Though I worry that I might not like my new course, I feel a bit safer in my new course as if I don't like something I don't have to continue it in the next year and can choose any other module from any field (well, if I meet its requirements). I hesitated on changing my course as I've already wasted 2 years but I've talked to my counsellor and they've said that I'm still young. When I think about it, we do have many years left in our lives and I have nothing much planned except little personal goals which can be completed anytime. Also, I don't feel ready to get a job yet lol. It's kind of good when I think about it, as since I'm continuing my studies a bit longer, I can get more work experience. I just hate that I must study, do exams, and do coursework............argh!
If you plan to change course, you also need to take student finance into account, they might not fund you for a year and this might prevent you from changing course. Also, if you decide to change it, you should talk to the head of the department of your new course first. They can help assure you of your transfer, make sure it is the right course for you by providing insight, and give you guidance.
Same here! I understand your parents not wanting you to quit this. However, it is always important to think about and prioritise your needs. You are ultimately the one who will be walking on your path.
I keep saying that every solution people find, generates at least 2 new problems. Maybe that isn't always true but humans are definitely great at making their life as difficult as possible, maybe that is the cost of human development.
Also what do we even mean by a step forward, what is 'forward'? Hmm.
I will sure check out enneagrams, I'm curious if you're right. Though maybe I'll do it after the weekend.
Cool, I might check them out later, I'm usually a bit busy during the weekend as family are always around and annoying me haha.
Hollow Knight is incredible, it definitely was an experience for me! Its a metroidvania platformer. If you're asking about the story, I have no fucking clue xD they have a very vague way of explaining the lore, and they don't let you know much anyway. You're basically exploring an abandoned/corrupted bug world, its very mystical. I think you will enjoy it. I've played it a while back and should probably replay it at some point.
Those were mainly the tracks that reminded me of the Emily soundtrack! (Also the tracks White Palace and Pale Court). My favourites are really hard to pick because there are so many that I love, I'd say the tracks Hollow Knight, Dirtmouth and Resting Grounds are my favourite (because I can play all three on piano! Had to mention it hehe), but I also really like Crystal Peak and Hornet.
That's why you write in such a sophisticated way, you study English! Seriously, I like the way you write, it requires me to use my brain a lot more than usual sometimes haha.
I did a quick google to see what Liberal Arts is and it sounds super fascinating! I too am a person who loves many different topics, I wish I knew something like this existed haha, though I would need to do a lot more research before committing to anything (just checked and my university doesn't offer liberal arts
Wish you the best of luck in your studies!
Oh forgot to mention. Me neither haha, I'm not ready for a job at all!
I think I have heard of Hollow Knight the game, its a game I might think about getting. I think it is on switch and on android as well.
Same, I've made too many rash decisions and I tend to blame myself for this but I believe that my personal affairs, my parents' pressure, the competitive and stressful aspect of studying, and our developing brain (as you are still discovering yourself at this time) all contributes to making such decisions. I had never heard of Liberal Arts at the start of my first year in uni, but later on, I did hear of it but I didn't change course then since I learnt from some that Liberal Arts doesn't look like a good degree for employers so that made me very hesitant. It was only in my second year that I learnt from employers that it doesn't matter if you've studied Liberal Arts, it is the type of modules you've studied and your work experience that matters.
I really do wish you can find a way to do something about it. It's quite a difficult journey when making such big decisions, both mentally and physically. It was so stressful trying to transfer into my new course for the next academic year, especially since I had to prepare for exams too. I had to contact my new department head, contact postgraduates who studied my course to make sure I'm entering the right one, research, call finance several times, sign the paperwork, attend a meeting with my current tutor, arghhhhhhhhhhh!
My sister wishes to study a subject that she doesn't fulfil its requirements, so she is still studying at uni but is trying to study the subject she wishes to do on the side. My mum is trying to become a nurse so she is trying to do that and is very close to becoming one despite her old age. So, though it may be quite difficult. So, though it may be quite difficult, I do believe that there's a possibility to do what you're interested in
I see that Hollow Knight is on Steam so I'm going to put it in my wishlist. So far, I see how similar its gameplay is to Castlevania. I've played Castlevania: Symphony of the Night so I don't think this will be a difficult game to play.
@Amy22
yeah, I've just searched it up. I can see how one can mix up its name with Hollow Knight lol.
Hmm, work experience... well I'm screwed.
This really doesn't sound pleasant. In the end it all worked out though, right?
Wishing the best of luck to your sister and your mum too!
That's why the genre is called 'metroidvania' haha, basically Metroid and Castlevania put together
I've heard that our brains develop till the age of 25 so I believe we still have more rash decisions to make lol. And yeah, I do the same thing when I feel stressed haha. I really need to figure out how to manage it in a different way 😅
Actually, I'm trying to get a lot of work experience for the rest of this year, so don't worry, you're not alone. Many students tend to not realise this importance until much later, especially in the busy time of the year when they have to do exams and/or are in their final year.
So far my transfer is going fine; the only thing that's confirmed is that I'm transferring but not transferred. It was just really tortuous. I still have to send the last document with my assessments' marks for English and French, but I have to wait until later this month as that's when I receive these marks. Hopefully then I can receive a confirmation for my transfer.
Ah, that makes so much sense. It's a merge between Castlevania and Metroid. Thanks for mentioning this
I'm not actually planning on getting any work experience yet, I have a lot of other stuff on my mind for now. I think I actually am alone.
That's great then! Hoping you can get your confirmation soon.
Castlevania has a Netflix series?? Idk why I'm surprised, I don't actually have a Netflix account haha. Maybe I'll check the game out at some point, sounds interesting.
@Azziman Thank you, that's interesting to know. Is there any way I can take advantage of this before I turn 25?