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Past UserPast User In a holePosts: 0 Just got here
in Sex & Relationships
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  • hastings1066hastings1066 Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    Have you told your boyfriend how you feel about having sex? Is this the first time you’ve had sex as the first time can be a little painful but it’s just your body getting use to it. Are you sure you want to do this and do be careful.
  • libbystrawberrylibbystrawberry Community Champion Posts: 608 Incredible Poster
    edited September 18
    @Past User dont do it unless your comfortable with it, if you u feel like u have to do it cuz he wants u to do it, dont do it, and also discuss it with him ig about the way your feeling about it,

    hope this helps <3
    Post edited by patrickDev on
    I got secrets, that nobody knows
  • libbystrawberrylibbystrawberry Community Champion Posts: 608 Incredible Poster
    edited September 18
    @Past User u have to respect each others happiness, u both have to be comfortable with it. u should talk to him about it
    Post edited by patrickDev on
    I got secrets, that nobody knows
  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Completely valid question @Past User <3 It sounds like such a scary thing to consider, like trying to simultaneously figure out what you want and how your body will respond, whilst also considering your boyfriend's emotions and desires must be exhausting.

    Of course, you want him to be happy, which is very kind of you :) Nevertheless, your desire to this matters equally as much to. If you feel scared that can be a normal part of having sex (consensually) for the first time, especially after the pain you have suffered in this life. However, if this fear feels strong, and especially if it feels stronger than the excitement/stronger than minor nerves, it might be wise to wait until you feel safer and more comfortable.

    A hugely important question to ask yourself is, how do you feel around him?

    Really happy to discuss this more if you feel up to it, Morgyn, remember your safety and consent always comes first <3
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,095 Wise Owl
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User, thank you for bravely sharing that with us, we are here for you <3.

    I'm hearing that this has been a difficult relationship for you. Nobody has the right to treat you in this way and so it sounds like you have done what is best for you in terms of breaking up with him. You deserve to be loved, cared for and supported in a relationship where you feel safe.

    Although it is never easy breaking up from a relationship and I can see how this might still be quite raw and upsetting for you at the moment. How are you feeling since the break up? We are here if you'd like to share more <3.

    I just wanted to flag some lovely support services who help people through difficult relationships, breakups, and relationship abuse. You can always reach out to them below:
    * Relate provides relationship support for young people, individuals and families over the phone, by email, webchat and face to face counselling. To book telephone counselling call 0300 100 1234 they are open Monday-Thursday from 8am-10pm, Fridays from 8am-6pm and Saturdays from 9am-5pm. You can also email them at relate.enquiries@relate.org.uk. You can also visit their website for webchat & information about local branches.

    * Disrespect Nobody offers information and advice on healthy relationships and abuse. They cover topics like sexting, relationship abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional abuse), consent, and porn. They also signpost to organisations that can offer further support.

    * Respect Not Fear is a website which provides information about domestic violence, self-esteem and healthy relationships.

    * Victim Support offers emotional support, advice and information to people affected by crime, including people who have had criminal acts committed against them, their friends, family and witnesses. The helpline is open from Monday-Friday 8pm-8am (overnight), Saturday-Sunday 5pm-8am (Monday morning). The number is 0808 16 89 111. You can email at supportline@victimsupport.org.uk or go to the website for more information.
    Post edited by patrickDev on
    ♡♡♡
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,507 The Mix Elder
    edited September 18
    Past User wrote: »
    @Gemma I regret breaking up with him because I still love him and miss him but I hated being hit and when he revealed that he likes my friend L it broke me, even tho I broke up with him I still feel upset.

    Everyone keeps saying it's was an abusive relationship but I really dont get why it's abusive like it doesnt make sense to me at all

    I can understand how stressful this must be for you at the moment especially after breaking up with him recently. I know with breakups it can be hard trying to move on even if you still love the person you were with. It sounds like a lot to process at the moment and I'm here for you <3. I can see and understand why some people may have thought you were in an abusive relationship. I know I shouldn't assume but it sounds like your boyfriend was very toxic and didn't consider what you wanted in the relationship. Also the fact that he hit you also sounds abusive and not safe either. I know breakups can be very hard to go through and do even when you still feel a connection there with the person. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to or need support <3

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Post edited by patrickDev on
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,466 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    Past User wrote: »
    Everyone keeps saying it's was an abusive relationship but I really dont get why it's abusive like it doesnt make sense to me at all
    If your partner hits you, that's abusive by definition @Past User. Nobody should be physically violent towards you under any circumstances, and if they are, that's a form of abuse.

    That doesn't mean that every element of the relationship is abusive. Even toxic relationships can have moments that are healthy or that we enjoy, and we might genuinely love that person. That means when that relationship ends, we might still need to grieve and process some heartbreak. But the behaviour you mentioned (him hitting you) is abusive for sure.

    Something I will say though is that it can be really hard to see abuse when we're in that relationship. We explain it away, we justify it, we convince ourselves it's not really that bad, and we jump through all these mental hoops. It's especially difficult if the person being violent is good at manipulating us and convincing us that their behaviour isn't what is appears.

    I know that labels like 'abuse' can feel like strong words to use, but it's okay to use them and recognise that type of behaviour when we see it. :) Again it doesn't mean the whole relationship was bad or that he as a person is evil, just that the bevhaiour isn't okay.
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Oh @Past User that is simply devastating news, I can't even begin to imagine how you're processing it all right now :( Like not only are you coping with the loss of the person you love, especially as you still love him in spite of the breakup, but you're also having to figure out how the way he treated you was not fair.

    Understanding what terms like 'abusive' mean can be very complicated, especially when you're the one suffering through this kind of mistreatment. Often, when we love a person recognising and accepting that we are being abused is near-impossible no matter whether it's physically being hit, being called names (which is something called emotional/psychological abuse). This is because it's deeply confusing to consider that a person who says they love you could treat you in such an awful way. Others can identify the abuse more 'easily' because they aren't in the relationship and so do not have to deal with the stress of reconciling that love does not equal safety/respect in a relationship.

    I am so sorry that he has put you through this, and left you questioning everything about the relationship, this could not be more undeserved. You are such a kind and loving person (and even if you weren't, no one deserves this) and to think that he took advantage of how compassionate you are is just awful.

    In terms of trying to understand how difficult it can be to accept and understand what it means to have suffered abuse, this article has some important insights. The writer explains how lots of people do not understand just how difficult it can be to even recognise abuse. Huge TW for descriptions of abuse, drug use and suicide:

    https://gal-dem.com/addicted-to-hurt-breaking-the-cycle-of-abusive-relationships/

    Huge huge hugs, and I am hoping that some of the resources linked may be useful? Have you managed to have a look at all? xxx
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    No worries @Past User , and you certainly don't have to check out links if you don't want to. This is not to say that I can completely understand what's going on in your head, but of course I'm not you - nevertheless, I reckon it must get kind of frustrating to hear from all angles that you've experienced abuse when that's not how you view it, especially as I'm sure there were some really positive aspects of the relationship too. <3

    Regardless, I am so here to talk about the process that your emotions take over time, okay? xx
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Huge hugs @Past User <3 Very much still thinking of you xxx
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User, I can understand that this is a tricky situation to be in. That being said, I'm happy to hear that you're feeling good about your new relationship, and I hope that it continues to make you happy! :)

    How you respond to the message depends on what you want to do. If you're comfortable and want to reply, a simple message to reject his advance could work. But you don't owe a response, and if you don't want to or feel comfortable doing so, you can ignore the message if you like.
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    As much as it may have been tough to ignore his message (especially given the heartbreak he caused you) I reckon it was the right thing to do @Past User <3 Ignoring someone who has caused you this type of pain is completely fair because he is not entitled to your understanding or consideration anymore, he lost that right after how he treated you. Plus, it's very smart of you to identify the possibility that he is messaging because he was rejected by your former friend L.

    It seems like the new relationship is bringing you some happiness, what's this new person like? xx
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • ebyrne556ebyrne556 Moderator Posts: 1,042 Wise Owl
    edited September 18
    Morning @Past User Just checking in this morning?Your an amazing person and we are all happy that your around.Im hearing you feel you have messed up the relationship do you want to chat a bit more about that? Mabye you might be able to chat things through and see what happend You deserve to be happy and the right person will be their Sending lots of hugs <3
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,998 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Heya @Past User, just wanted to check in with you to see how you're doing at the moment? We're here to support you through this <3
    Post edited by patrickDev on
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