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Relationship is falling apart, I don't know wha to do

henry16henry16 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
I have been in this relationship for 5 years now, this has been my first relationship and we really liked each other at the beginning, we couldnt wait to be with each other. But 2 years later I don't know what happened but things started to change. Because I had moved in with him, I think we kinda of started to just take it for granted that we would be together forever. I stopped liking him sexually, not because I wanted to but it just happened, he put a lot of weight on and physically I did not feel attracted to him anymore. But I still care and I love him and we have brought this subject up a lot of the times. Our hobbies are entirely different, what he likes to do is different from what I like to do, but we do compromise and try to do each other activities. We respect each other a lot and I just want to see him happy. Because this was my first relationship I don't know if I truly love him as I should, I know he deserves better. We haven't been physical for over 2 years...
I do feel like we need to break up, but I don't even know how to begin, because we have spent so much time together, I can't see myself without him, we work so well together. I don't want to feel alone, I don't have any family and most of my friends are his friends and more than likely I would lose them all if we do break up.
I don't know how much longer I can take this, it's hurting my a lot emotionally and I don't have the courage to face him.

I'm weak and horrible and this would simply be fixed if I could be attracted to him and I keep telling myself but it doesnt work.

We also live together and rent together, we have contracts of 9 months left, there's alot that stops me from doing anything and I keep trying to push through this but I don't know how long I will last like this

Do you have any suggestions?

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    AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,914 Extreme Poster
    Hey @henry16, thanks for sharing your experience on here, it's a really brave thing to do. It sounds like you're noticing that there's been a change in your relationship, and in a difficult spot at the moment. That doesn't make you weak or horrible at all - relationships can be complicated and tricky, especially when they're long-term relationships as your lives can feel very integrated. I'm sure that others here can relate to how you feel at the moment.

    You mentioned that around 2 years ago, you felt like things had changed. Reading through what you've said, it sounds like the main changes have been physical attraction and interaction, and moving in together. You've mentioned that him putting weight on as a reason, but was there anything else that might have happened around then that might play a role? Could you explain a little more about how you think things have changed by moving in together?

    I can understand that it's difficult for you to talk to him about this, but that it might help for you to talk it out with someone. It sounds like there's a lot of things on your mind right now, and completely understand that it takes its toll. Expressing yourself, either by writing it down or talking to someone in-person, might be of help.

    The Mix has a service you can speak to that you may find helpful: https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team

    Samaritans also has a service that is available 24/7: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
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    henry16henry16 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Thank you for the reply and listening...

    Actually things have escalated from this post, when I come back home, my bf came to me after work and we had a talk, and we've decided to break up there and then.
    I'm shattered and I feel shaken and dull.
    I didn't even know what to think or do, as we live together, we will have to be living by ourselves and I don't even know how I can do that.
    I don't know if I'm able to live of my own wage and rent alone, and I couldnt even sleep last night, because we slept in different rooms for the first time and it killed me.

    We are in goods terms I just couldnt talk to him properly yesterday as me and him were tearing up the whole time, there were no shouts or arguments, we do want to help each other but I don't know how I will be able to cope or what to even do...

    I feel so lost and my depression is building up
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    support_squad23support_squad23 Posts: 113 The Mix Convert
    Hi @henry16

    Breakups can be so incredibly heart-wrenching and destroying. It's understandable that you're struggling with some intense emotions, this is all very raw and fresh at the moment. Our partners can become part of our daily routine, providing normality, consistency and dependability. When this connection ends/a break up occurs, the disruption to this routine can be very unsettling, even if the attraction has been long lost. The adjustment period can feel really daunting. We are by your side.

    I can see how much you tried to make things work or for the attraction to return, but some things are not salvageable. Though it might be impossible to see at the moment, this could be the right avenue for you.

    It seems like you have some choices coming up about accommodation and similar. We are here to work through this with you, together, if you'd like.

    Take care.
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    henry16henry16 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Hi @henry16

    Breakups can be so incredibly heart-wrenching and destroying. It's understandable that you're struggling with some intense emotions, this is all very raw and fresh at the moment. Our partners can become part of our daily routine, providing normality, consistency and dependability. When this connection ends/a break up occurs, the disruption to this routine can be very unsettling, even if the attraction has been long lost. The adjustment period can feel really daunting. We are by your side.

    I can see how much you tried to make things work or for the attraction to return, but some things are not salvageable. Though it might be impossible to see at the moment, this could be the right avenue for you.

    It seems like you have some choices coming up about accommodation and similar. We are here to work through this with you, together, if you'd like.

    Take care.

    Thank you, I just honestly feel lost.
    I don't want this to be happening yet I know it needs to happen.
    But I feel like I will be alone, is it possible to stay friends and keep supporting each other?
    He wants me to still stay living there as it would help both him and me financially, but emotionally is it the right decision?
    We have ended things in a good way, both thinking of each other.
    He even proposed about a open relationship but...Not sure about hat, couldn't say yes to that.

    Just feeling really lost and a confused in general
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    Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    @henry16 Deciding to remain friends and continue supporting each other after a breakup is a personal choice that depends on the dynamics of your relationship and your individual circumstances. For example, it's important to consider your emotional well-being and whether staying in close proximity and maintaining the same living arrangements would impede your ability to heal and move forward. It's worth discussing this aspect with your partner openly and honestly, expressing your concerns and needs.

    However, not all relationships can transition smoothly into a friendship. Sometimes space and time apart can be necessary for both individuals to fully heal and grow independently. Consider seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide guidance and help you navigate through this challenging period. Your well-being should be the primary focus during this time of transition. We’re here to listen to you!
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    henry16henry16 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Terry8936 wrote: »
    @henry16 Deciding to remain friends and continue supporting each other after a breakup is a personal choice that depends on the dynamics of your relationship and your individual circumstances. For example, it's important to consider your emotional well-being and whether staying in close proximity and maintaining the same living arrangements would impede your ability to heal and move forward. It's worth discussing this aspect with your partner openly and honestly, expressing your concerns and needs.

    However, not all relationships can transition smoothly into a friendship. Sometimes space and time apart can be necessary for both individuals to fully heal and grow independently. Consider seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide guidance and help you navigate through this challenging period. Your well-being should be the primary focus during this time of transition. We’re here to listen to you!

    Thank you...
    I still feel confused and hurt and each day I feel numb and not sure if I'm better, worse or the same.
    We are being nice about the process but it's so confusing because I don't want to leave him but I do at the same time i feel so weird, when I look at things in the house, his things, things we share, it brings memories and good times...

    I don't know what to do and I feel like this is a big mistake, I probably won't find someone as good and nice as him, so I'm losing here someone that I could treasure for a life time...I feel like i'm self sabotaging.

    I'm not smart and I haven't got anything special about me and yet I'm ruining a 6 year old relationship with everything that we have behind it
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    RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    @henry16

    Thank you for sharing with us <3

    Reading through your post and replies brings up things for me and I can really relate to you. I was with my partner for 4 years and the whole last year I was really unhappy, what we liked to do was very different as he smoked a lot of weed and played video games whereas I was always asking if we could go for walks or dinners etc, which we never did. I felt he stopped appreciating me and I lasted about a year of feeling unnoticed before I ended things with him. Like you say, it was a lot of tears, no arguments, and it was honestly the hardest thing I've been through in my entire life because I still loved him and wanted to be with him, but I just couldn't do it to myself anymore. After a couple weeks I realised I regretted it but he didn't want me back. He got into another relationship after 6 months which was awful. I went into a deep depression for about 3 years and had therapy. When I started to get better and learn to try to love myself, I refused to let anyone else in because I could not bear that pain anymore. It took me a long time but now I am in a very loving relationship and it's been terrifying to be vulnerable again. There are still times now I dream about my ex and miss him, because he was such a big part of my life for so long, but I'm in the process of putting it all into a self help book on how to deal with heartbreak. I still have a box of everything he ever gave me and photos underneath my bed which I'm not ready to throw away yet.

    I think what I would say to you is that sometimes love just isn't enough. You can still love someone so deeply, still have that attachment, but if it's not right for you then it will continue that way. Your happiness, contentment, fulfillment is important in your relationship, and you can love someone but not be happy. Break ups are honestly horrific and I will never sugar coat it to anyone. They are often overlooked I feel, brushed off, but it's very similar to a death because you are grieving a loss of a person in your life.

    In terms of staying friends, personally I've never seen it happen straight away. I think people need a break so they can reestablish a new relationship of friendship. I think continuing to live with him it may help you financially but emotionally that would be very tough. How do you feel about the prospect of living with him for another 9 months? In terms of open relationships, I am currently in an open relationship and what I will say is you have to really keep up regular communication, I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we are still discussing new boundaries. If you're heart isn't 100% in it then I wouldn't recommend it.

    @henry16 it's so important to try to be gentle with yourself in this process, take care of your heart, nurture yourself. It's hard to find the balance not to shut off completely but this process is so individual to you and all your feelings are totally okay. It's important to feel this emotion and it's so amazing you feel able to share this with us on The Mix. It's going to be tough but you will come out the other end, it takes time and it takes work and healing. You're incredibly strong for going through this, and in hindsight, a positive of a break up is that you can really learn a lot about yourself during this time, although this may be hard to see now.

    Take care and thank you again for sharing <3
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    support_squad23support_squad23 Posts: 113 The Mix Convert
    Hi @henry16

    In the midst of a breakup, it is very normal to question whether this was the right decision. For the next few weeks or months, this may remain something that you mull over, as do many others in similar shoes to yours. Whilst this feeling can be quite distressing and unsettling, it does not necessarily indicate that the decision you've made is wrong. Though cliché to say, it might take some time before you're able to see the direction you want to head in. The period between a break-up and being able to 'move on' can feel like some form of purgatory. It's understandable that you're finding this to be really tough at the moment.

    As raised above, the decision regarding whether to move out or stay is highly personal. However, I would reiterate that this can make the healing process rather complicated and potentially quite upsetting at times. A physical daily reminder of what you used to have might be quite confronting. May I ask whether you'd like to share a bit more about why you feel hesitant to move out? Perhaps we can navigate some of these fears together. You deserve to live in an environment in which you feel emotionally secure.

    Let us know how you're getting on.

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    henry16henry16 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Sorry for only replying now, I've been taking a few days off the internet just to clear my head.

    @RenP Thank you for listening, I could resonate with what you said as well, I do feel like I regret it but at the same time I know this will be for the best for both of us. I think what makes it harder is that he is makes this feel so easy for him, it's only been a week and he is already out seeing other people, makes me feel like is that all my worth?
    I have ups and down, but more often downs when I'm at home alone, but when I'm with friends it does go away, but most of our friends come from him and seems like I have lost them as none of them bothered to speak to me, only him...which I understand that it's difficult for them.
    I feel like I have lost half of everything, I feel like I lost my own path/person and I'm nothing now.
    Can't be happy with myself, even the things I loved to do, I barely find any joy, my life is a bit lifeless.
    I have finally told my mom and my brother, my mom was really upset as she loved him but she understands we're both adults and we know what's best for both of us. Everyone in our circle pretty much knows now, so it's made it official...I can't even think of dating yet, I feel ugly and not viable to date anyone as I'm now.

    @support_squad23
    Thank you, I know that time will eventually help, I'm better than I was last week, I was even having some thoughts that I shouldn't really mention here(as in doing to myself) but I'm better now.
    The reason to why I wouldn't want to move out is because I'm just an average earner, earning 32k in manchester and renting alone is so expensive, all apartment I see near manchester they are about £800 rent alone then you add bills etc..and more than half your wage goes into just living...
    It's a lot of stress, I'm also scared of house sharing with random people, what if they're not nice, what if they kick me out i don't know

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