Home Health & Wellbeing
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Very worried about psychiatrist appointment on monday

spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
I have a psychiatrist appointment on monday in which i will be getting a diagnosis and proper treatment for these voices i hear, these thoughts they put into my head and suicide attempts but i still really feel as if im faking it. it feels as if im using all this as an excuse and to just seek attention, although i dont share it with anyone other than here. im jextremley worried though that ill be told that its 'just anxiety' or 'just depression', not in the way i want to have to deal with this for my whole life but i really do feel its deeper than that - going off of that i should mention that i've always thought these voices were normal where im not in control of my own thoughts and talking to others my age make it out as if everyone experiences it. i dont understand, it just feels like a constant negative cycle but i dont know how else to think about it. i just want everything to be ok and to have that wee bit of validation that there is something wrong with my brain. (i thought i would add this at the end - i know this isnt difinitive evidence but even after an eeg and being told about low frontal lobe activity in which my psychiatric nurse believes that can back up everything ive been through, i still feel im faking it all)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Manager Posts: 319 The Mix Regular
    Hey hey @IainJammyboy,

    You've done a really brave thing by sharing this with us. It sounds as though getting a diagnosis is important for you, Iain. Would that be fair to say? We hear what you're going through at the moment and, while we can't give a diagnosis, what we can do is say that your feelings are heard and valid. We don't think that your attention seeking.

    I can understand that this appointment might be creating some anxiety for you. How are you feeling about it this morning? Do you have any idea of what the appointment might involve, and have you had an ideas of how you might prepare yourself for it? I know that some people have found it helpful to make a written list of things that they want to discuss or mention, so that they don't miss anything that feels important to them because of the pressure of the situation.

    How are those voices feeling at the moment? Is there anything in particular that helps you to keep yourself safe when you can hear them? If you'd like to reflect on that a bit more with us then we're absolutely here for that.

    I hope everything goes well on Monday, @IainJammyboy - keep us posted on how it goes and how you're feeling about it all. We're all with you <3

    Take care legend,
    Harry
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @HarryT oh yea it is incredibly important to me, not only to be able to get the right help but even just to understand what it is and to be able to find others in a similar situation.
    I'm feeling alright about it this morning, just keeping my mind busy until then to be honest. i have had a few appointments already over the past 6 months in which they were thinking in the beginning was anxiety, but with seeing my psychiatric nurse over the past few weeks she was going to update my notes and inform the psychiatrist about everything that is going on. I don't always hear these voices but I can tell they are all around me, they like to watch me and I can tell that they want me dead. I have had a few occasions where I've heard them scream in my ear or deliusions. The idea when I said I feel I'm faking it is an example like last night, whether it be this banging around the house I can't tell if it is real and I'm just convincing myself if it is these shadows walking about, if it is in my head or if I'm just pretending it to make myself suffer, I'm not sure. There's not much I can do to keep myself stable or to stop these voices, sometimes I can just drown it out with music but other times I just end up lying on the floor with my hands over my ears waiting for it to stop. I just think to myself if I've made it this far with a few hiccups, I can definitely hold on for a few more days.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Manager Posts: 319 The Mix Regular
    Thanks for explaining that to me @IainJammyboy, you've been really brave <3 It's good to hear that you've been able to identify some techniques to get through the moments when those voices are loud, even if you can't make them go away completely. What kind of music do you find helps?

    I can also hear that this is a really confusing situation for you at the moment, and those feelings are completely valid. I hope that the appointment on Monday is helpful for you so that, as you say, you can begin to understand your situation. Keep us posted on how it goes and do just give us a shout if there's anything you'd like to chat through before hand - we're all here for you!
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    Thank you - I love listening to classical music, I'm a bit of a nerd. Right now I'm just listening to accolay violin concerto no 1 which I have to play for a music assessment in an hour - wish me luck! Probably going to end up completely messing it up though lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Manager Posts: 319 The Mix Regular
    edited May 2023
    There's nothing wrong with being a bit of a nerd - I think we all are in our own way! How did the music assessment go @IainJammyboy ? Hope that it went well!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Champion Posts: 1,294 Wise Owl
    Hey @IainJammyboy it makes total sense that you're scared and nervous but it's great you're getting support, I really hope it goes well and that getting a diagnosis helps to validate the way you're feeling and highlight other ways of getting support :)

    I completey understand the whole 'i feel like i'm faking it for attention' thing but trust me nobody thinks that you're being attention seeking, most of that is just in your head. And even if you are being attention seeking that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You deserve that attention and support and love, you're going through a lot! I felt like I was faking my struggle, or at least overexaggerating them, for a longgg time but yeah thinking about it that way is only gonna make it more difficult.

    I hope the appointment goes well tomorrow! Let me know how it goes :)
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @HarryT thank you - I think it went quite well - the feedback I got was a huge emphasis is to really be confident rather than hiding away in the music, don't be afraid to really go for it. It really is surprising how much of a difference it can make in a performance setting
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Xee thanks for all that. I think delving deeper into everything it's coming from mainly at school, everyone's attitudes to mental illness and hearing voices and that sort of stuff - they like to joke about it, some people really enjoy self diagnosing themselves too. I think also around that fact I ask people about hearing voices and seeing things they make it seem like it's a normal thing, so I don't know if my suicide attempts are real or if I'm just weak, but at the same time I don't feel my problems are nearly as bad as anyone else's stories wether it be in person or on here. I'm just not really sure, it's just really confusing
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Xee I'm not sure but they've completely let me down. Told them everything but they just wanted to up my dose of my epilepsy medication which is also a mood stabilizer, and sent me away with no support. I don't know what to do anymore
  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Champion Posts: 1,294 Wise Owl
    @IainJammyboy I'm sorry that is really really shitty. You deserve so much more support <3 Do you think a higher dosage will help? Maybe try to do some research about your symptoms and hallucinations and what psychologists on the internet have said about how to help with the struggle? I know it's not the same as support in real life but it's better than nothing. And I know me being here isn't gonna make a huge difference but I'd love to try and support you too when/if I can :)
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Xee thank you so much for being there for me. I don't know why she thought I would be ok on my own but she just sent me away with no support once again. I really really don't think the higher dosage is going to help especially when it's getting much much worse but I'm a wee bit lost. My parents shouted at me when I insisted I need alot more support and help to the point I was just crying my heart out, and they told me that I'm way overexagarating my problems, and that I just need to stop thinking about the voices to make myself better and then told me that I'm the problem and how I act like nothing is good enough. it was horrific, maybe I am the problem, I just don't understand. They then told me that hearing voices that tell you to die and that keep you paranoid for hours at a time is normal and I'm just fucking overreacting. I've done a wee bit of research about it but I'm not entirely sure what it could be, I go from thinking it can be bipolar to schizophrenia but then I think that my amount of problems isn't nearly compared to those who do have it, although I am completely sure that this is not anxiety or depression seeing my ability to function and no physical symptoms. It's been for the past 6 months as if I'm being tortured by my own brain it is that horrific, I really really really wish I had an answer to all this but I'm just not sure. I know I keep talking constantly to helplines, websites like these doing constant research online just because I want things to get better although there is no fix to it. It's like talking about it or any coping strategies never change anything but it's just nice to be able to at least share it without being judged. I just want everything to be ok
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Xee I feel like I've become so emotionally numb with suicide attempts and all that rubbish, all the mental health professionals I talk to make it out as if it's something absolutely everyone goes through and I'm just weak for not trying hard enough. I get denied any fucking help no matter where I turn, I attempt suicide to prove how tortuous my situation is and how horrific it is, I repeat that phrase constantly but they can't get it through their thick skulls that I need more than coping strategies to make a difference. I just want to be fucking stable but no one seems to understand, and even after suicide attempts they have the audacity to just send me home with no support whatsoever and just expect me to get better. I can't make this any more clear for them but they never never listen, I don't know if it's because I'm young, or they just act like I'm overreacting or if I'm just plain stupid to them, but no one understands. I just want to be fucking stable for once in my miserable life but apparently that's too lunch to ask
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,525 Part of The Furniture
    I can really hear the frustration in your voice here @IainJammyboy. :( It's the worst when it feels like you know what you need but the people around you don't seem to be listening.

    Specifics aside, it's really clear from your post that you're not getting the support you need and that's not a nice place to be. You're doing well to open up here.
    they told me that I'm way overexagarating my problems, and that I just need to stop thinking about the voices to make myself better and then told me that I'm the problem and how I act like nothing is good enough.
    I'm curious - what were your parents' exact words?

    It's really easy, especially when emotions are running high, for someone to say something and for it to be received in a different way. And I'm wondering whether you and your parents might be missing each other when you try and communicate.

    I only say this because if those are exact quotes, those are extremely unkind things to say to someone in your position who's struggling, and you absolutely deserve better. I've been in similar situations though where I desperately needed someone to genuinely understand my pain, and when they couldn't, I catasrophised and read a lot more into what they were saying than they meant at the time. I don't think your situation is that bad can become This is all in your head - you're making it up when we're low and our brain isn't being kind to us.

    That might not be what's happening for you and I understand that sometimes people are just... rubbish. If that's the case then I really feel for you, I just wonder if something more complicated might be going on here that's making it feel like everyone is against you.

    I do want to reiterate though that it's obvious from what you said - regardless of all this - that you're not getting the support you need. That's something you do deserve. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Mike thank you for all that. My parents exact words were 'you're just overexaggerating your problems and you should stop thinking in a negative way', 'if you really did hear voices you would be in a mental hospital', 'I know friends who have health anxiety and you need to stop worrying about what you might have because it makes you feel bad', and finally after my last suicide attempt 'don't do anything so stupid again, it breaks apart families and the guilt we would have to live with for the rest of our lives and you have to stay alive for us'. I really try to explain to them in a calm voice that this is not anxiety and the psychiatrist isn't helping me by sending me away with no support and their reply is 'they study for years and know what they're talking about, so obviously you need to put more work in', and 'i suffered from anxiety last year and went to therapy so all they will offer is nothing you can't do at home, but you refuse any help'. Those are all stuff my parents have said but at this point I have no clue over who is right and wrong and if I'm the problem, and it's kinda just pushing me to the point of thinking about suicide again. I do have 3 people in my life who really do listen and completely understand - my GP, my older brother and my psychiatric nurse. They all understand that I'm not getting the proper treatment and help I need, and they agree that these voices are not normal, and the fact it is quite serious but it is just so so depressing the only help they can offer is very limited. I have found a very useful coping strategie though, it's kind of sad but hugging a teddy bear who is the only thing I can hug without any judgement and who will stay with me through everything, and listening to classical music - I managed to find some of what I think is the most beautiful music I've ever heard, would you mind If I were to share it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Champion Posts: 1,294 Wise Owl
    Helloooo @IainJammyboy sorry for the delayed reply! I’m sorry to hear your parents haven’t been too great about this either. I completely understand. The other day I was crying my heart out too and my parents have always cared about me but I’ve never seen them react that coldly. Maybe coldly isn’t the right word but they didn’t understand at all and they didn’t even try to see where I was coming from or acknowledge that I’m going through shit. So yeah I know it sucks. It especially sucks to be told you’re overexaggerating your problems. Just remember that despite what everyone around you is saying, your feelings are still totally valid! Maybe what you’re going through isn’t well understood by those around you but the moment you begin to believe what they’re saying you’re just making it more difficult for yourself. I promise you aren’t the problem. Maybe it’s your mindset or your situation or your actions that are the problem (idk I don’t know your situation well enough) but it isn’t you so really please try not to blame yourself. Also do NOT do that thing where u compare yourself to others who are going through shit. I saw this thing once or someone told me or something that whether you’re drowning in 100 feet deep waters of 10000 feet deep waters, you’re still drowning and you still need saving just as much.

    It's good you’re aware that it isn’t depression or anxiety but yeah honestly this must be super frustrating with not even understanding what you’re going through. I didn’t understand what I was going through for like a solid year and to some extent I still don’t but I promise one day you’ll be able to understand yourself and these voices better and you’ll be able to work through it, hopefully with some support. Have you spoken to people at school? When I wasn’t getting much support the lady at school signed me up to talk to a counsellor at school and she was able to help me a lot even if it did take a while. Honestly I understand how frustrating this is and I’m so sorry you feel so hopeless about it. You really deserve some good support. But I promise promise promise you’re gonna be ok one day. Ik that’s kinda just what everyone says but you gotta think about the future and just keep going <3 You’re doing really well!!

    As for becoming emotionally numb, how far have you gone with suicide attempts if you don’t mind me asking? Being emotionally numb is so odd. I’ve been going through a lot of dumb stuff and making stupid choices lately and I feel like my mind is so weirdly blurry and frozen, I’m not making choices like I usually would if I was feeling same (I hope that makes sense?) so yeah I understand. But something that helps me is that I try and talk to myself as if I’m one of my friends, so maybe u could try that? Like for example you might encourage yourself to do something harmful to yourself but if it was your friend you’ve never encourage that sort of behaviour. Idk if that makes sense or if you’d find that helpful at all but yeah.

    I really hope things get better for you and that you get some support sometime soon. It’s really great that your GP, your brother, and your psychiatric nurse understand though 😊 Is there no way they could refer you to a different psychologist or something? If not then I guess just focus on the fact it’s a positive that you have them despite the fact their help is limited. As I said I’m here if you wanna ramble more, ramble as much as u want! <3

    Oh also on an completely unrelated note it isn’t sad or embarrassing about hugging a teddy bear lol, I have this teddy I’ve had since I was a baby and I can’t sleep without him, I always cry to him and carry him around and everything, I love him very very much and he provides me with a level of comfort that no one else does so I understand :)
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    edited May 2023
    @Xee Hiya, dont worry about it i do that alot too lol. im really sorry to hear about your exerience with your parents, it just really does baffle me sometimes how they refuse to listen even from looking at it from their perspective. i know about not comaring to other people but i cant stop myself - its just spcifically about one of my 'friends' who self diagnosed himself with bipolar after looking on the internet, i just dont want to come across in that way, or im not sure if i am doing that. i mean to be fair he was kind of bragging about it for a wee while.

    OHHH with school it was kind of a funny story - my school likes to put a huge amount of its budget into a dedicated mental health room where it is just filled with hammocks to lie in, loads of board games and musical instruments and the loudest meditation music ive evr heard. they also had multiple councelling sessions all in the same room at the same time which i honestly thought was a horrific idea. my mum forced me through that route before going to my gp so i went there for the first time and the guy kind of treated me as if i was still in primary school, and then proceeded to bring out a sheet FULL OF EMOJIS and told me to circle how i felt. safe to say i didnt go back there, but even if i did want to ive left school at this point now. i was geniunley kind of worried the gp would do the same thing lol, kind of a laugh looking back at it now though.

    its really odd for me too, im not sure if i am allowed to go into a wee bit of detail about it but i thought i would put it down very generally but HUGE TW!!!!!












    The first time I tried to end my life, i was very loost as to why i did it but looking back i understand that i felt like i wasnt in control of my own body, all my thoughts were taken out of my own head and just went for it without holding back or making plans, and then after it failed went back to practising violin as i was doing before. looking back on it i finally understand it was the voices/the shadows (however you want to call them) that forced me into it. the second time i was a wee bit more emotional - not that i wanted to, but felt it would calm down my mind if i done it and to get to the hospital to get help, which i never got.

    i just feel like ive had a moajor revelation in the past 3 weeks in the factr i've never ever wanted to die, but the fact that these voices tell me to whether that be through the tv, shoving thoughts into my own head, or trying to torture me through these horrible delusions, voices and screams i hear outside my own head and by telling that they are constantly watching me. the second attempt wasnt really an attempt, it still kept me here but silences the voices for a few days since thats all they want, but once they figure out im still here they go back to tourturing me. i know its really really messed up but those few days were soem of the most calm and enjoyable days i had in the longest time.














    TW over.
    i do try talk to myself but the voices can get too loud - i can tell that they are outside my head but they like to control my thoughts quite often. thank you so so so so so much for being there for me without the threat of having emergency services being called to my house which is what i usually get when i open up completley to other places such as childline or samaritians lol. its just so nice to be able to talk to a real person whos not just constantly following a script all the time, its honestly quite annoying seeing i just phone them up for a real chat. im speaking to a mental health practitioneer though private healthcare on friday where i will be able to see a another psychiatrist hopefully.

    with teddy bears you explained it so much better than i could have ever done, they're always there for you, hugging mine right now lol.
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Emma_Emma_ Community Manager Posts: 601 Incredible Poster
    Woww @IainJammyboy thankyou for being so brave and open here <3

    I can really hear how sometimes calming those voices is the most important thing and it's good to hear that you're not feeling like you want to die anymore.

    It's also really great to hear that you're reaching out to professionals who can help you manage the voices.

    Keep reaching out and using this space to talk, we know how helpful it can be <3
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Xee I just thought I would mention that I had a great day today - went to a conservatoire open day where I hope to study next year. How are you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Community Champion Posts: 1,294 Wise Owl
    Yayyy @IainJammyboy I'm so glad to hear you've had a great dayy :) I'll reply to the others later if that's ok, I feel so exhausted. I was doing ok this morning, I was actually really productive for once lol but now I just feel kinda shitty. Excited for tomorrow though because i get to spend the night at my grandma's and have soem from freedom from my parents for once lol
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Emma_ sorry I just thought I would let you know that I spoke to my psychiatrist and she thinks it's probably the first stage of psychosis and so we are waiting for the results of an EEG I done to be able to progress, which should be in a week or so. I tried getting private help but they denied my claim because I would have to be discharged from my community mental health team.
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Xee that's absolutely fine, I don't mind at all. That's amazing, I hope you enjoyed today as well I bet that must've been great fun!!
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,274 Part of The Furniture
    How are you feeling about the waiting at the moment @IainJammyboy? It is really positive to hear you had a great day the other day at the conservatoire open day :)
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    @Laura_tigger82 I'm not that good today - it's like I try to fight against these shadows but they are relentless. I just wish I could just get a hug
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,274 Part of The Furniture
    Sending you all the hugs @IainJammyboy. Would you like to talk to us more about the shadows?
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • spacedogspacedog Posts: 1,186 Wise Owl
    edited June 2023
    @Laura_tigger82 thank you so much - I don't understand who they are, but I can tell they are after me. I can see them and hear them, and I know exactly what they look like and I'm constantly being watched by them. They've told me that they won't stop until I'm dead, they will kill my family and friends if I don't die within the next 8 months or so, but they told me if I don't die these shadows will be punished but I don't understand that. They love to push these thoughts into my head but I can distract myself sometimes through music, but I only really have once a week to do that but then the more I spend away from that distraction the worse these thoughts get.
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,095 Wise Owl
    edited June 2023
    Hey @IainJammyboy, you're doing so well to talk about the shadows and what they tell you to do. What you are going through sounds really tough and frightening and you deserve to be supported. It shows great courage and strength to be able to open up when things are feeling this way. <3

    I'm hearing that these shadows feel like a constant in your life and sound really threatening and upsetting. You mention that they love to push these difficult thoughts into your head. I wondered if there is anything that helps you to take the power back from/say no to the shadows' voices?

    I know you mentioned that you can distract yourself through playing music which is just lovely to hear as I know how much violin means to you. With you only having once a week to do this, I wondered if listening to music at home may help to distract yourself from these thoughts too?

    I know you are going through private healthcare and seeing a psychiatrist soon- sounds like things are looking up on this front, and you are hopeful that you will get the support you deserve through them, rather than the NHS. If you are feeling worried about getting everything across to them, I wonder if you could have a go at writing down what you would like to say, as notes to take with you. You have done so well explaining this to us, so you could always just copy and paste some of what you have written here.

    The important thing to know is that there is support out there for hearing voices. Mind have a list of support services on their website for those who are hearing voices: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hearing-voices/useful-contacts/.

    It can be really hard when the voices are telling you to harm yourself, do you feel able to say no to what they are telling you to do? If you ever feel like the answer to that question may be no, we would encourage you to seek support from these lovely services below:
    * If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. 
    * Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    * Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
    * Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
    * Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
    * Childline | call 0800 11 11
    ♡♡♡
Sign In or Register to comment.