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Very worried about psychiatrist appointment on monday
spacedog
Posts: 1,192 Wise Owl
I have a psychiatrist appointment on monday in which i will be getting a diagnosis and proper treatment for these voices i hear, these thoughts they put into my head and suicide attempts but i still really feel as if im faking it. it feels as if im using all this as an excuse and to just seek attention, although i dont share it with anyone other than here. im jextremley worried though that ill be told that its 'just anxiety' or 'just depression', not in the way i want to have to deal with this for my whole life but i really do feel its deeper than that - going off of that i should mention that i've always thought these voices were normal where im not in control of my own thoughts and talking to others my age make it out as if everyone experiences it. i dont understand, it just feels like a constant negative cycle but i dont know how else to think about it. i just want everything to be ok and to have that wee bit of validation that there is something wrong with my brain. (i thought i would add this at the end - i know this isnt difinitive evidence but even after an eeg and being told about low frontal lobe activity in which my psychiatric nurse believes that can back up everything ive been through, i still feel im faking it all)
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You've done a really brave thing by sharing this with us. It sounds as though getting a diagnosis is important for you, Iain. Would that be fair to say? We hear what you're going through at the moment and, while we can't give a diagnosis, what we can do is say that your feelings are heard and valid. We don't think that your attention seeking.
I can understand that this appointment might be creating some anxiety for you. How are you feeling about it this morning? Do you have any idea of what the appointment might involve, and have you had an ideas of how you might prepare yourself for it? I know that some people have found it helpful to make a written list of things that they want to discuss or mention, so that they don't miss anything that feels important to them because of the pressure of the situation.
How are those voices feeling at the moment? Is there anything in particular that helps you to keep yourself safe when you can hear them? If you'd like to reflect on that a bit more with us then we're absolutely here for that.
I hope everything goes well on Monday, @IainJammyboy - keep us posted on how it goes and how you're feeling about it all. We're all with you
Take care legend,
Harry
I'm feeling alright about it this morning, just keeping my mind busy until then to be honest. i have had a few appointments already over the past 6 months in which they were thinking in the beginning was anxiety, but with seeing my psychiatric nurse over the past few weeks she was going to update my notes and inform the psychiatrist about everything that is going on. I don't always hear these voices but I can tell they are all around me, they like to watch me and I can tell that they want me dead. I have had a few occasions where I've heard them scream in my ear or deliusions. The idea when I said I feel I'm faking it is an example like last night, whether it be this banging around the house I can't tell if it is real and I'm just convincing myself if it is these shadows walking about, if it is in my head or if I'm just pretending it to make myself suffer, I'm not sure. There's not much I can do to keep myself stable or to stop these voices, sometimes I can just drown it out with music but other times I just end up lying on the floor with my hands over my ears waiting for it to stop. I just think to myself if I've made it this far with a few hiccups, I can definitely hold on for a few more days.
I can also hear that this is a really confusing situation for you at the moment, and those feelings are completely valid. I hope that the appointment on Monday is helpful for you so that, as you say, you can begin to understand your situation. Keep us posted on how it goes and do just give us a shout if there's anything you'd like to chat through before hand - we're all here for you!
I completey understand the whole 'i feel like i'm faking it for attention' thing but trust me nobody thinks that you're being attention seeking, most of that is just in your head. And even if you are being attention seeking that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You deserve that attention and support and love, you're going through a lot! I felt like I was faking my struggle, or at least overexaggerating them, for a longgg time but yeah thinking about it that way is only gonna make it more difficult.
I hope the appointment goes well tomorrow! Let me know how it goes
Specifics aside, it's really clear from your post that you're not getting the support you need and that's not a nice place to be. You're doing well to open up here.
I'm curious - what were your parents' exact words?
It's really easy, especially when emotions are running high, for someone to say something and for it to be received in a different way. And I'm wondering whether you and your parents might be missing each other when you try and communicate.
I only say this because if those are exact quotes, those are extremely unkind things to say to someone in your position who's struggling, and you absolutely deserve better. I've been in similar situations though where I desperately needed someone to genuinely understand my pain, and when they couldn't, I catasrophised and read a lot more into what they were saying than they meant at the time. I don't think your situation is that bad can become This is all in your head - you're making it up when we're low and our brain isn't being kind to us.
That might not be what's happening for you and I understand that sometimes people are just... rubbish. If that's the case then I really feel for you, I just wonder if something more complicated might be going on here that's making it feel like everyone is against you.
I do want to reiterate though that it's obvious from what you said - regardless of all this - that you're not getting the support you need. That's something you do deserve.
It's good you’re aware that it isn’t depression or anxiety but yeah honestly this must be super frustrating with not even understanding what you’re going through. I didn’t understand what I was going through for like a solid year and to some extent I still don’t but I promise one day you’ll be able to understand yourself and these voices better and you’ll be able to work through it, hopefully with some support. Have you spoken to people at school? When I wasn’t getting much support the lady at school signed me up to talk to a counsellor at school and she was able to help me a lot even if it did take a while. Honestly I understand how frustrating this is and I’m so sorry you feel so hopeless about it. You really deserve some good support. But I promise promise promise you’re gonna be ok one day. Ik that’s kinda just what everyone says but you gotta think about the future and just keep going
As for becoming emotionally numb, how far have you gone with suicide attempts if you don’t mind me asking? Being emotionally numb is so odd. I’ve been going through a lot of dumb stuff and making stupid choices lately and I feel like my mind is so weirdly blurry and frozen, I’m not making choices like I usually would if I was feeling same (I hope that makes sense?) so yeah I understand. But something that helps me is that I try and talk to myself as if I’m one of my friends, so maybe u could try that? Like for example you might encourage yourself to do something harmful to yourself but if it was your friend you’ve never encourage that sort of behaviour. Idk if that makes sense or if you’d find that helpful at all but yeah.
I really hope things get better for you and that you get some support sometime soon. It’s really great that your GP, your brother, and your psychiatric nurse understand though 😊 Is there no way they could refer you to a different psychologist or something? If not then I guess just focus on the fact it’s a positive that you have them despite the fact their help is limited. As I said I’m here if you wanna ramble more, ramble as much as u want!
Oh also on an completely unrelated note it isn’t sad or embarrassing about hugging a teddy bear lol, I have this teddy I’ve had since I was a baby and I can’t sleep without him, I always cry to him and carry him around and everything, I love him very very much and he provides me with a level of comfort that no one else does so I understand
OHHH with school it was kind of a funny story - my school likes to put a huge amount of its budget into a dedicated mental health room where it is just filled with hammocks to lie in, loads of board games and musical instruments and the loudest meditation music ive evr heard. they also had multiple councelling sessions all in the same room at the same time which i honestly thought was a horrific idea. my mum forced me through that route before going to my gp so i went there for the first time and the guy kind of treated me as if i was still in primary school, and then proceeded to bring out a sheet FULL OF EMOJIS and told me to circle how i felt. safe to say i didnt go back there, but even if i did want to ive left school at this point now. i was geniunley kind of worried the gp would do the same thing lol, kind of a laugh looking back at it now though.
its really odd for me too, im not sure if i am allowed to go into a wee bit of detail about it but i thought i would put it down very generally but HUGE TW!!!!!
The first time I tried to end my life, i was very loost as to why i did it but looking back i understand that i felt like i wasnt in control of my own body, all my thoughts were taken out of my own head and just went for it without holding back or making plans, and then after it failed went back to practising violin as i was doing before. looking back on it i finally understand it was the voices/the shadows (however you want to call them) that forced me into it. the second time i was a wee bit more emotional - not that i wanted to, but felt it would calm down my mind if i done it and to get to the hospital to get help, which i never got.
i just feel like ive had a moajor revelation in the past 3 weeks in the factr i've never ever wanted to die, but the fact that these voices tell me to whether that be through the tv, shoving thoughts into my own head, or trying to torture me through these horrible delusions, voices and screams i hear outside my own head and by telling that they are constantly watching me. the second attempt wasnt really an attempt, it still kept me here but silences the voices for a few days since thats all they want, but once they figure out im still here they go back to tourturing me. i know its really really messed up but those few days were soem of the most calm and enjoyable days i had in the longest time.
TW over.
i do try talk to myself but the voices can get too loud - i can tell that they are outside my head but they like to control my thoughts quite often. thank you so so so so so much for being there for me without the threat of having emergency services being called to my house which is what i usually get when i open up completley to other places such as childline or samaritians lol. its just so nice to be able to talk to a real person whos not just constantly following a script all the time, its honestly quite annoying seeing i just phone them up for a real chat. im speaking to a mental health practitioneer though private healthcare on friday where i will be able to see a another psychiatrist hopefully.
with teddy bears you explained it so much better than i could have ever done, they're always there for you, hugging mine right now lol.
I can really hear how sometimes calming those voices is the most important thing and it's good to hear that you're not feeling like you want to die anymore.
It's also really great to hear that you're reaching out to professionals who can help you manage the voices.
Keep reaching out and using this space to talk, we know how helpful it can be
I'm hearing that these shadows feel like a constant in your life and sound really threatening and upsetting. You mention that they love to push these difficult thoughts into your head. I wondered if there is anything that helps you to take the power back from/say no to the shadows' voices?
I know you mentioned that you can distract yourself through playing music which is just lovely to hear as I know how much violin means to you. With you only having once a week to do this, I wondered if listening to music at home may help to distract yourself from these thoughts too?
I know you are going through private healthcare and seeing a psychiatrist soon- sounds like things are looking up on this front, and you are hopeful that you will get the support you deserve through them, rather than the NHS. If you are feeling worried about getting everything across to them, I wonder if you could have a go at writing down what you would like to say, as notes to take with you. You have done so well explaining this to us, so you could always just copy and paste some of what you have written here.
The important thing to know is that there is support out there for hearing voices. Mind have a list of support services on their website for those who are hearing voices: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hearing-voices/useful-contacts/.
It can be really hard when the voices are telling you to harm yourself, do you feel able to say no to what they are telling you to do? If you ever feel like the answer to that question may be no, we would encourage you to seek support from these lovely services below: