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i feel that anxiety has ruined me
PetiteQuark
Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
i've been through alot, and i feel it has ruined me. Since year 6, upto year 8 I got bullied relentlessly (there were some people from my primary school who went to my secondary school, and back then kids kept on making fun of me because of how I look (well one kid admitted they were nasty to me because they were jealous because I was pretty good at science but still, how they treated me was horrible) , They stopped in year 9 though and in year 10 I moved schools. I've always been shy, but i think that bullying made it worse, I always get so nervous when i see people laughing I get reminded of how I used to get made fun of. i still remember someone, who I used to be friends with, and how they compared me to this girl, and said how she was so much prettier and perfect compared to me! That was long ago but i still remember those things.
But then i'm so self conscious, about everything, I worry about everything, and it doesn't get better at all!
I'm incredibly self conscious of the way that i walk (i know its a weird thing to be insecure about)
all the time my mum kept on saying that i walk like a 'robot' all the time and she kept on telling me to act normally and said that i dont know how to walk, so you know what she did? she thought that by making me to things by myself i would stop being so nervous all the time and walk 'normally!' so i went outside to the shops (with my sister since Im still way too afraid to go by myself) walked to school by myself and went out more often in busy places, basically exposure therapy (because, obviously when people say the way you walk is stupid and the way you look is stupid the best thing you could ever do is to make yourself feel worse!) and after, years, that made me feel worse! I still can't walk normally, I am still terrified of people, I still can't even talk to people. Everyone told me it gets better, I'm in year 11 now, it's been ages and it got worse for me, now I feel like crying all the time because of all this, i dont want to feel anxious all the time, i want to behave normally. My mum now always tells me 'oh look how happy all the other girls are? why cant you be like them?' well i want to be happy, i want to be normal, but I can't, it's not easy for me and I don't think i'll ever be happy or normal.
But then i'm so self conscious, about everything, I worry about everything, and it doesn't get better at all!
I'm incredibly self conscious of the way that i walk (i know its a weird thing to be insecure about)
all the time my mum kept on saying that i walk like a 'robot' all the time and she kept on telling me to act normally and said that i dont know how to walk, so you know what she did? she thought that by making me to things by myself i would stop being so nervous all the time and walk 'normally!' so i went outside to the shops (with my sister since Im still way too afraid to go by myself) walked to school by myself and went out more often in busy places, basically exposure therapy (because, obviously when people say the way you walk is stupid and the way you look is stupid the best thing you could ever do is to make yourself feel worse!) and after, years, that made me feel worse! I still can't walk normally, I am still terrified of people, I still can't even talk to people. Everyone told me it gets better, I'm in year 11 now, it's been ages and it got worse for me, now I feel like crying all the time because of all this, i dont want to feel anxious all the time, i want to behave normally. My mum now always tells me 'oh look how happy all the other girls are? why cant you be like them?' well i want to be happy, i want to be normal, but I can't, it's not easy for me and I don't think i'll ever be happy or normal.
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Comments
It sounds like this whole ordeal has been a painful one and you are feeling those wounds even now, but you still have time and energy on your side to heal. It won't be easy, but I believe that in time, and with the right support, you can feel happier, both within yourself and in life. I want you to know that you are enough, you deserve to feel loved, and you have inherent value, irrespective of how others will try to undermine you or make you feel like you don't. I hope that you can be kind to yourself and take care of your feelings.
I know that you've written here, but you may also find that speaking to Samaritans can be helpful. They have some great people who are willing to give you time and listen to your experiences and emotions. Samaritans are available 24/7, 365 days a year, and they can be reached in a variety of ways: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Recovering from bullying is not always linear, and it can take time to heal from the trauma. It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed and discouraged, but please don't give up hope. With the right support, things can get better for you.
You can talk to someone about what you're going through, whether it's a trusted friend, family member, or a professional like a therapist. They can help you work through your feelings and develop strategies for managing your anxiety. Take care of your mental and physical health, like fun activities, meditation, exercise, or spending time with loved ones. Remember that you are not alone!
The effects of bullying are hard to recover from and it will take time and patience but you will start to heal and notice yourself feeling better. You are more than other peoples opinions and comments and they are not a true reflections of who you are as a person and in time you will start to see that.
If you ever need support we are always here for you and hopefully you have someone you can reach out to outside of the mix too. Keep going and look after yourself