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Just a ramble

JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
Hey, I wrote this yesterday but didn't post it yet. So when I say today it actually means yesterday if that makes sense. I apologise for this being such a long ramble, I just couldn't stop myself. My mind is in a really weird place right now, I'm really sorry if any of this sounds weird.

Hi. I have not posted anything big in a bit so here it is (no clue what to put as the title). I always thought I'm a quiet person and that I just don't want to talk to anyone, but I now realised that's not true, truth is I just had no one who would listen. Only recently since I joined the mix I realised how hard it actually is for me to shut up haha. There is just so much that I want to say here and I just have to stop myself most of the time. I'm already guilty of spending too much time here, but its been kind of my coping mechanism I guess, although I know its not too healthy for me at the moment. I should be spending a lot more of this time studying and working on my courseworks. But this place just lets me finally feel heard.

Possible trigger warning, I will be mentioning SH and suicide a lot later, but in very general terms so I don't think its so bad that it deserves to be censored, but regardless be warned. For those who decide not to read, I am completely safe so don't worry. And I hope you have a nice day! :)


I recently sent a message to my friends (the same ones I'm doing a group project with) telling them that they should know I have been struggling recently, to which I got no response. They had an in-person meeting that I didn't go to, but after the meeting I got a message from one of them privately asking me if I'm alright. I immediately think to myself no way, they actually care? and I reply avoiding the classic 'I'm okay' line and I say the truth that I'm not okay, that I've been struggling recently but I'm not too comfortable explaining it all right now. He replies sounding really worried asking me if I'm "in danger". I reply saying that no, I'm completely safe and I also say "I'm not planning on doing anything stupid just yet haha", I say yet as a joke clearly being followed by a haha, we often used to joke around so I thought it was ok. But the response I got was literally just "what do you mean by yet?", so I start panicking that this is serious and I should not have made the joke, I reassure him that I am completely safe and I will be safe. And from that moment he didn't seem eager to talk anymore, and didn't even reply to my last message. Its like once he found out that I'm safe he stopped caring completely, which honestly kinda hurt.
I know I should be glad that I got a message in the first place asking if I'm alright, but it didn't feel right. I have a feeling that the whole friend group asked him to send this message to me just to know if I'm safe and if I will be able to help them with the project. I find it funny how I got a message from just one of them. Plus maybe they thought if they ask me privately I will be more comfortable to share more, whereas in a group chat I will be afraid to share too much since everyone will see it. I'm probably overthinking as usual.

This situation left me with two thoughts.

Firstly, why do I expect people to treat me in real life the same way I am treated here on the mix? I know that's not how the world works and it will probably never happen, I just can't help but wish I had some genuinely nice people in my life. And maybe I did come across some nice people in my life, I just always turn away from them somehow, I'm not sure why, and I don't know how to change this.

Secondly, why do people only seem to care about you when they find out you self harm or are suicidal?
I just feel the need to mention that I am not intending this part to hurt anyone in any way, I am not targeting or being judgemental of anyone suffering from these sorts of struggles. I just want to explain my own story and my story alone. I am really sorry if any of this appears to be rude or disrespectful, I do not mean for it to feel this way.
I have never self harmed (not seriously at least) and I have never truly been suicidal, but I'd be lying if I said I never considered it, and recently I've been getting a lot of intrusive thoughts which haven't helped either. However I know SH and suicide is 'bad' (sorry I don't know how to properly describe it) and so I always come to the conclusion that I will never do anything like this. That is why every time someone asks me if I think about harming myself I always reply with a strict no, and so I never got any proper support beside "you will be fine". Now I really really hate that I'm thinking about SH just as a means to get attention, especially since I don't even like attention, in fact I hate it! There is a reason I never reached out for help before, there is a reason I don't usually talk to anyone about my problems, there is a reason I feel horrible every time I post one of my rambles. Now that I think about it, maybe the reason I never self harmed was because I'm scared of all the attention that it would bring.

Today I talked with my tutor and I told him about the fact that I'm struggling with my mental health however I never mentioned anything specific about it. And during the meeting I noticed he was acting kind of strange, when mentioning my mental health he would stutter and pause often before saying stuff like "I don't know much about your situation" and he even mentioned I don't have to say anything if I'm not comfortable doing so. Almost like he was nervous about saying something wrong, and he generally seemed worried about me. I felt incredibly bad for him. I appreciate his help so so much but I had this voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve it, that my situation is not worth his time, I'm the one who put myself in this mess and I should be responsible for it. It felt so conflicting, I was so happy about the support I got but I hated the attention he gave me.

In general, I don't know what to think about all this anymore. I feel like subconsciously I am trying to get attention, however every time I get it I just start feeling bad. I realised that my first couple of posts here have me saying "I hope I'm not annoying" or "I don't want to be annoying" while just constantly asking if I'm not talking too much. I haven't changed a bit...

Sorry about this ramble, it all just feels like a big mess. Every time I write something I just get this feeling that I shouldn't send it, like its just dumb and I know I will feel bad about sending it later. But on the other hand I just spend so much time writing these that I send them anyways.
I seriously don't know what to think about all this. I don't even know what I'm expecting to get out of this post. I just have to let all of this out I think.

If you read all of this then congratulations I guess haha. I really really appreciate it! Sending lots of hugs <3
Believe in me - who believes is you
emiip98Terry8936Salix_alba_2019Amy22ebyrne556

Comments

  • Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    Hi @JJLemon18 . Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It takes a lot of courage to open up about our struggles, and it's important to acknowledge and celebrate that.

    It's understandable to feel hurt when you share your struggles with someone and they seem to lose interest or stop caring once they find out that you're not in immediate danger. But we have to remember that everyone has their own way of showing care and concern, and it's possible that your friend was just trying to be respectful of your boundaries and give you space. Having friends who are willing to listen and support you when you need it is also essential.

    As for your second thought, it's unfortunately true that some people only seem to care about mental health issues when they involve self-harm or suicide. This is a societal issue that needs to be addressed, as mental health struggles are valid and important regardless of whether or not they involve self-harm or suicidal thoughts. It's important to remember that seeking help and support for mental health struggles is never attention-seeking, and there are resources available for those who are struggling.

    It's okay to take things at your own pace and seek out support from people who make you feel safe and understood. Sending hugs for you! :)
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • emiip98emiip98 Moderator Posts: 132 The Mix Convert
    Hi @JJLemon18 thank you for sharing this with us I hope you feel a little better now that you have gotten this off of your chest <3

    It sounds like a difficult time for you, it sucks when you cannot get the support you need from the people who you thought would be able to support you. Sometimes people do not understand what you are going through and it may be the case that they do not want to say the wrong thing. This however can be unhelpful when you just need someone to listen.

    It does sound like you just need someone to speak to and for someone to truly listen to you, we are always here to do this <3

    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    @JJLemon18 Just read all of this and I'm too exhausted to reply properly but I'm sending lots of hugs your way!! <3 Don't apologise for rambling, I feel like u did a good job at explaining ur emotions. And none of it sounded dumb at all (or at least to me it didn't). :)
    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Thank you so much @Terry8936 and @eparker98! I really appreciate the responses. :)
    Terry8936 wrote: »
    But we have to remember that everyone has their own way of showing care and concern, and it's possible that your friend was just trying to be respectful of your boundaries and give you space.
    Yea I know. That is why I never expect anyone to be overly nice and caring to me. Plus that's a toxic thing to expect from people anyways, and I'm aware of it. However regarding my friends they usually only message me when they want something. And that's also why I was surprised when I got the message from one of them in the first place. It just felt unusual.
    Terry8936 wrote: »
    It's important to remember that seeking help and support for mental health struggles is never attention-seeking
    Makes sense. I kinda regret writing that part now. That's why I made a whole paragraph trying to explain myself, I just don't want anyone thinking that I view their problems as 'attention-seeking', I know they're not. Especially not here on the mix. I'm just talking about my experience with my own situation.
    Sometimes I feel like the more I try to explain myself the worse it sounds.
    eparker98 wrote: »
    Hi @JJLemon18 thank you for sharing this with us I hope you feel a little better now that you have gotten this off of your chest <3
    I wish I did. But my stupid brain makes me feel even worse every time I say a bit too much. Now I feel the lowest I ever felt, and its not just because of this post, its mainly because of talking to my therapist, talking to my tutor and sending that message to my friends, and also talking about all of this with my parents. Weirdly enough, all of this doesn't seem to make me feel any lighter, but heavier in fact. I don't know why.
    eparker98 wrote: »
    Sometimes people do not understand what you are going through and it may be the case that they do not want to say the wrong thing.
    I get that. Sometimes I try so hard not to say something wrong that I end up saying something even worse.
    Personally though, I think I'd rather have someone say something wrong to me, than not say anything at all. I know I'd understand.
    eparker98 wrote: »
    It does sound like you just need someone to speak to and for someone to truly listen to you, we are always here to do this <3
    Thank you, I really appreciate it! <3 I have been able to open up so much here because of how nice and caring this community is.

    This reply feels like its all over the place, I wanted to reply a lot better than this but my mind is just non existent right now, I'm really sorry.
    Take care!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    Laura_tigger82
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Oh I forgot to ask something. How normal is it to feel bad for getting attention? I know there are a lot of people who will go to great lengths to get others attention, but I just feel bad about it instead. Is that okay? Or should I just learn to appreciate it when people give me their attention? I just don't know what to think about this.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    Sounds like you are so used to helping other people that anything else feels strange to you @JJLemon18. Please make sure you are also taking care of yourself, you matter too.

    Part of taking care of yourself is providing yourself with permission to reach out for support from other people if you need their support.

    You have been really brave in reaching out to us and opening up to us, especially as this is not something that always feels comfortable or easy for you.

    Please just reply in the way your mind will allow you to put it in writing. We accept you as you are and how your writing comes is how it comes (unless it breaks a guideline, of course!).

    How are you currently feeling about ‘getting attention’? Your feelings are valid and you can talk to us about how this is making you feel at the moment if you would like to <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Thank you so much @Laura_tigger82 it really means a lot! <3

    I'm not sure how to explain what I'm feeling. Its like I know I always avoid reaching out for support because every time I do, I just beat myself up for it, telling myself stop bothering people with your problems, they're not that bad, you're just trying to get attention. I hate it, I hate hating myself. If that makes sense. But I can't help it sometimes.
    I know I'm in a terrible spot right now but I keep trying to refuse it, invalidating my own feelings like its not that big of a deal, but I know it is. I just wish I could reach out for support without feeling like I'm doing something wrong.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to make people feel bad for me, hell I'm even doing that now, and I hate it.
    I just don't know what to think anymore.

    But again, thank you. I really appreciate it! :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,788 Extreme Poster
    Hey @JJLemon18 - I can appreciate that it's hard to ask for help sometimes. Reaching out to a GP, therapist, counsellor etc is no bother - they are there specifically to hear about your issues, and help you work towards a solution or find support that's helpful for you. They will believe that it's enough of a deal to talk about it - your feelings are completely valid, and I hope that you can give your own emotions that validity too, because they do matter. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself that permission to let others help you. <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Thank you @Azziman :heart:
    Azziman wrote: »
    Reaching out to a GP, therapist, counsellor etc is no bother - they are there specifically to hear about your issues, and help you work towards a solution or find support that's helpful for you.
    I'm definitely less worried about reaching out to these people because that's their job in a way. I'm more anxious about talking to people who don't need to hear me complain about myself all the time, for example my family, friends or even this community. Sometimes I just say/write something and then I think to myself 'there was no need for that' and I regret it. I was feeling so low recently that this might be one of those ramble posts where I just needed to get some feelings out. I guess I'm always scared of people not understanding me and so I end up invalidating my own thoughts more than anyone else. I'm getting better tho. Take care :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    You have done so well to reach out here @JJLemon18, especially if you need to get some feelings out. It sounds like this is not something that is always easy for you.

    You deserve to have your thoughts and feelings validated. What does getting better look like for you at the moment? We are here for you if you would like to share more with us <3
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    JJLemon18Azziman
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