I miss my best friends

yana

I'm gonna try and make this as short as I can because I know I ramble a lot and I don't wanna explain the entire long story version but anyways, basically there was this girl and we were best best friends for like 5 years and then I finally realised how toxic she was and how bad our friendship was harming my mental health so I cut her off.

About a year later I met this guy and we just clicked, we had soo much in common and we would just talk shit to each other, we'd genuinely just talk about the most random shit. He became my new best friend and we'd talk so much every single day for a solid year. It's weird because I feel like I was closer to him than the other friend even though I knew her so much longer. But anyways, now we've drifted away and he isn't my best friend anymore, he's just a friend. And I'm not his best friend anymore either. Idek if he still considers me a friend or if I'm just 'oh yeah I remember I used to speak to her'. And it hurts because he was like such an amazing friend and I miss him but now when I message him it doesn't feel like we were ever close, it just feels so fucking awkward and it feels horrible, I hate it so much.

I miss the way I used to be so comfortable around him. And I miss our stupid conversations. And whenever something exciting was happening with my love life or at school or anything at all, I'd go to him and tell him and he was always happy for me. My friends now just feel like they need to listen and react to what I say otherwise they'll seem rude. I feel like they don't care and they don't understand the way he did. And I miss my other best friend too. Even though it's been so so long since I was close with her, she was a big part of my life. She hurt me so damn much but before that she was genuinely amazing. We had so so so much fun together. I miss it so much.

And I miss my sister. We used to be so so close, people used to joke we were like twins. I genuinely didn't care if I didn't have friends because we were so close she was always there. I could trust her more than anyone. A large portion of my fav memories are with her. But now she's different. Now everything feels different. I really hate it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my current friends. They're really great people. But it's not the same.

Gemma

Hey @Xee, thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you've had a tough journey with these friendships.

Sadly, I think a lot of us can relate to these experiences of having either toxic friendships with people who were once great supports in our life, or having friends who we naturally drift apart from. As people grow and change, interests change, people's lives move in different directions, and so it can be a natural process for friends to drift apart without any animosity. But this doesn't make this any less painful when we reflect back on how great that friendship was. It's especially difficult when there is animosity there too, like the friend you mention who hurt you. You said you had to cut this friendship off for your own mental health - it sounds like you made the right decision here in looking after yourself.

I heard about this thing called the 'friendship curve' which we all have (imagine a line graph plotting your friendships over time). While the shape and curve will be different for everyone, all friendships will ebb and flow throughout the course of our lifetime. There's a study that found that people replace half of their close friends every 7 years which sounds a bit surprising but we have so many different life changes and stages that it begins to make sense. I don't know if that's helpful to think about it in this way? But I found that interesting based on my own experiences of losing friends (and making new ones!).

I'm glad to hear that you do love your current friends but appreciate that your friendships with them are different. You mention that some of your favourite memories are with your sister but now she's different. Would you like to share more about that?

I hope this reassures you that you're certainly not alone with these experiences. You've done so well to articulate these feelings to us

Azziman

Hey @Xee, thank you for sharing this with us. Losing strong friendships can be painful, because they become an important element of our lives for the time we're together. What you're feeling is completely natural, and I'm sure we can all relate to how you feel. Over time, circumstances and people are always changing - sometimes life brings people together, and sometimes it pulls them apart. And it's a harsh lesson, but over time we learn that this is a natural part of life that we come to terms with.

You're right - new friends won't feel the same as old friends. In some ways, we miss our old friends; in others (like this toxic friend in question), we prefer our new friends. Your old friends may not be physically with you, but you'll always have the great memories you shared, and those are something to cherish. And since your current friends are with you, you'll have lots of great memories to make together in the future! I'd imagine each of your new friends can probably relate to how you feel too

yana

@Gemma @Azziman Thank you both for your kind replies, I really appreciate it

But it's bothering me so much more than it needs to be. I keep thinking about all my old friends and my ex and all the people that used to be a big part of my life and now they're all gone and I know people always come and go but I just wish someone would stay for once. I'm so terrified of losing people now. I really don't wanna fuck everything up but I feel like I just scare everyone away or weird them out or repel the nice people and attract the assholes. Maybe I just have shitty luck.

Gemma

Hi @Xee, I hope you're okay I totally get that - the way your friendships have gone in the past could make you worry that the same thing will be repeated with your current friends. But as @Azziman mentioned, all friendships are different and so this won't necessarily be the case.

You mentioned your current friends are all really great people so you can't be repelling all the nice people

It's really great to see you as an active member of the community, I often see your posts reassuring others and giving that support which is so lovely. Don't forget to be kind to yourself too

yana

@Gemma Thank u for being so nice

You mentioned your current friends are all really great people so you can't be repelling all the nice people

And yeah lol that's true I just feel like sometimes I overshare or say things without thinking or say something and get an odd reaction and it makes me worry things will turn awkward and bad and I'll have to go through the pain of losing someone all over again

Terry8936

@Xee It's understandable that you feel this way. I’m always worried about losing friends too. It's natural to want people to stay in our lives, but sometimes people come and go for a variety of reasons, and it's not because of something we did or didn't do.

It might be helpful to take some time to reflect on what you want in a relationship or friendship. What qualities are important to you? What boundaries do you need to set? You deserve to be surrounded by people who treat you with kindness and respect. Joining a club or group with same interests can be a great way to meet new people and make meaningful connections. it’s ok to miss people from your past, but it’s important to focus on the present and people in your life currently.

libbystrawberry

hey xee i totally get that i went to a school for literally two months but i had made the bestest friends ever then i moved to the school im currently at and i knew i lost those friends, it wasnt the same, and its soo awkward over text like u dont even know what to say anymore so just wanted to say ur not alone

yana

@libbystrawberry thanks sorry to hear you've lost some great friends too and I hope u find some really lovely ones soon

libbystrawberry

thx xee u too glad ur feeling better

Iris_Mizzy

Hey @Xee I'm really sorry you had to go through that, Im not saying I understand it but I know the feeling a bit about the sister.
Me and my sister have also drifted away like you explained whole different person.
I also hate change, and best friend break ups are the worst, I just really wish I could help in any sort of way.
Here if you want to talk more or if you just want to blabber about stuff even if its nothing to do with how your feeling.
Here to support you through it.

yana

thanks @Iris_Mizzy i appreciate it hopefully you and your sister become close again someday too, i feel like this is just a difficult time in life and hopefully once everything has calmed down more ig it'll be easier to work on that relationship

Iris_Mizzy

@Xee Its like people say its not a bad month its just a bad year...... I think people say that 🤣