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The world is too loud

SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
It takes time to get better, I know that. And you can't expect instant results. Ive just got to keep talking to people, trying the different strategies. And just keep moving forward.

Im just really tired of feeling so overwhelmed and on edge all the time. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Because being at home is too much,my head is too loud. I can feel the walls suffocating me. I have distractions but the days are so long. Im slipping into old habits of staying up late so i can sleep through the morning. Ive been going on lots of long walks outside. Journaling and doodling.But I spend alot of my freetime on edge. Im constantly stimming and needing to push my back against something or grip something tight. My body feels so wrong. Someone at college thought i was a sensory seeker and that pressure helps me regulate. (The same person also thinks im in autistic burnout). I only used to seek pressure when I was upset but its constant. And its frustrating. Harmful too sometimes.

Everything is too loud. My music feels clunky, even white noise hurts. But without earphones i hear every taping noise and every breath. I have earplugs but then im left with my thoughts and the earplugs only dull out so much. Standing on the carpet feels icky but so do smooth suraces. Honestly its weird but the only place i dont feel too overwhelmed is the shower. But i cant spend forever in there.

Ive been trying to read and doodle but i mostly feel too out of it.

The rest of my time is at work. I don't do many hours right now. I wish i could both for the distraction and the money. But its so loud. The noise feels like its touching me. I get overwhelmed and cry occasionally. I need so much help. They are so nice at work but i feel really guilty for being such a nuisance. And im so afraid of wearing them out.

And ive been thinking alot about the meeting i had before half term about how college can support me in September. I just get really frustrated and sad. Because everything feels too vague and confusing which makes me feel sad and overwhelmed. But it feels rude to constantly ask questions.
My brain is very slow at the moment.

I used to like taking the train to work but its become overwhelming too. The self harm sucks. I can't get myself to concentrate on any of my hobbies. I struggle being with my best friend because they have similar struggles and im putting too much on them. And home feels sad because i don't meltdown or cry at home like i do at college or work instead i yell and push everyone away. Im a miserable human to be around.

I can be ok,if i really try i can be ok. I know that. The world just feels so loud right now and i don't know what to do with myself.

I hope you're ok. Big hugs
You're awesome!
JJLemon18Amy22

Comments

  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    edited April 2023
    Hey! This must be so frustrating and it sounds like it sucks so bad so I'm sending u huge hugs!! <3

    About the noise thing, have u tried wearing huge noise blocking headphones? That way it blocks out the annoying sounds but there's no annoying music or white noise? I know u said your thoughts are still there but then at least the external noise won't bother u so much :)

    Also it isn't rude at all to constantly ask questions! I get why u feel like it's rude and awkward because I'd probably feel the same tbh you need support and the best thing you can do for yourself is to reach out.

    And about being a miserable human, I understand that. When my mental health was at its lowest I was an awful person to be around. But that isn't you, you aren't a horrible person, it's your illness. I barely know you but I know for a fact that you're a nice person. You really do seem lovely :)
    I can be ok,if i really try i can be ok. I know that. The world just feels so loud right now and i don't know what to do with myself.
    I relate to this a lot and my best advice would be to keep trying, put in as much effort as you can. But it's ok to feel shit and have rough patches and moments where you feel like you can't be ok. You're only human! And we're all here for u <3

    How are u feeling this morning?
    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
    SpaceOtter
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Heya @SpaceOtter. I'm sorry to year what you're going through, it must feel so frustrating and horrible to know that you're putting so much effort into feeling better yet it seems like nothing is helping. We are all here for you! I don't have much to add but I'd like to echo a lot of what Xee said.

    I'm not sure if you know but you can get headphones which remove most background noise, however it sometimes feels like when you are in a really quiet place and all you can hear is silence so your brain starts making up sounds instead, I don't really know how to explain it.
    You could try to play some ambient sounds like rainfall or something like that to dull the noise, I'm not sure if that could work but its worth a try.

    I said this before so I hope you don't mind me saying this again, "sometimes the kindest thing you can do is give someone the opportunity to help". Please don't feel bad for asking for support, remember that asking for help is nothing embarrassing, in fact I'd argue the opposite, it shows that you want to improve, and I'm sure people are more than happy to help you!

    Any yea, I agree with Xee, everyone has low moments where they might be tough to be around, but you can't please everyone, and that's okay. You are an incredible and wholesome person and your illness does not change that!

    Remember to always be kind to yourself, you deserve it! :heart: Sending loads of hugs! Take care!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Big hugs @Xee and @JJLemon18 thank you for your kind words i appreciate them alot.

    Headphones are a good idea. Im just very awkward.

    I have a normal pair that i use in the evening but the music still feels a little garsh in my ears. A support lady at college is trying to help me wear Headphones in public. Im such an awkward human being. I get very paranoid and anxious wearing Headphones in public. I feel like everyone is watching me eventhough i know logically they are not. I just feel like I stick out. I  feel the same about hats, i used to count how many people wore hats and how many didnt. If the number of people who didn't wear hats was higher than those who did, it meant i couldnt wear a hat. Its so stupid. The support lady told me to look how many people wear Headphones when im out and about in the hopes itll make me feel more comfortable.

    I make everything more difficult than it needs to be.

    Unfortunately i find ambient noises a little overwhleming too.

    @Xee and @JJLemon18 thanks again. What you said about everyone having rough moments made me feel a little less sucky. Youre both awesome people. And thank you again for your kindness.
    You're awesome!
    yanaJJLemon18
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Happy Thursday, big hugs <3

    Im really anxious about work this Friday and weekend. My shifts are short,i listen to happy music on my way into work. I repeat some self affirmations in my head over and over. And i always have a plan for after work like watching my favorite film when i get home. And I keep telling myself its going to be a good weekend.

    But I work in retail,in a very busy store. Its loud and overwhelming, things im really struggling with at the moment. I like the job and we need the money. Its just alot right now. I hate needing so much help, i hate spending the whole shift trying not to cry. I don't like being so useless.

    And people must be getting fed up. Whenever i stim i feel really guilty. A voice in my head says we get it youre special you don't have to show everyone. And i start to panic i used to be able to cope and not stim or meltdown. Why cant i behave anymore, it must be fake.

    I dont talk much in conversations, i must seem so rude. My supervisor is so nice. But every conversation we have leaves me mentally kicking myself.

    Work will be a good thing though, im getting on my families nerves. I don't like being talked to right now, it hurts my brain which I know is stupid. Im being very rude. I just wish i could disappear into my own little bubble away from the noise. It rained all day yesterday so i couldn't get put the house for as long as id like. Its sunny today though so i can go for a long walk.

    A few questions is ok. But i overthink and get confused about things  that are so simple. I find everything too vague,i ask way too many questions. I find too little information more overwhelming than alot of information. Im just slower at processing it right now. Im being an absolute nuisance. Im not understanding things i know are simple.

    I just miss being useful. And i miss not feeling so overwhelmed constantly.

    Big hugs, look after yourself <3
    You're awesome!
    yanaJJLemon18Amy22
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Happy Thursday btw!
    Don't worry about it @SpaceOtter, its not weird at all! I too struggle to wear headphones in public. I'm improving though, I started to wear them just on the bus and now I will sometimes wear them when walking to uni. Just remember to take small steps and you will get there. Noticing how many other people also wear headphones also made me feel less awkward about myself. You are not alone going through this :heart:
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    SpaceOtter
  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    Hey @SpaceOtter Happy Saturday!! How are you feeling today? :)

    Self affirmations are great, you should be really proud of yourself for repeating them to yourself and listening to happy music and doing what you can to stay positive. It's not always easy and sometimes you really have to force yourself and ik it doesn't always work with boosting your mood but that's so amazing that you're trying! :)

    Are there any like simpler tasks u could do in quieter areas of the store? If not then just remember you're doing really well and I promise u aren't useless. You're just struggling, and that's ok. You need to be more kind to yourself, you're going through a lot and you need to remember u aren't guilty or fake or rude or useless or annoying or a nuisance AT ALL!! And anyone who sees you as rude or annoying doesn't understand and they can fuck off.

    Honestly the whole thing about being talked to hurting your brain doesn't sound stupid at all, I get it. When I'm in a shit mood I feel exactly the same. I just want everyone to ignore me and shut up. But I promise you won't always feel this overwhelmed. Think of your good days and think of how many more of those are still to come. You're doing really well, just keep going.

    Sending big hugs!! <3
    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Heya @Xee i hope you're ok. Thank you for your help and Happy Saturday!

    Today wasn't great. I wasn't on the rota and was placed somewhere im not normally. I felt very overwhelmed i tried to keep going. After a while I felt like i needed to get out. But I didn't know where the supervisors i trust were. And it felt so stupid to bother people. And i started to wonder that If i could think coherently and i wasn't crying was i really overwhelmed, i was just unhappy and most people are through out  the day. So i just had to stick it out.

    I felt very overwhelmed and stupid. I kept telling myself it was fine. But i felt like the noise was surrounding me and everyone was too close. I wasn't doing everything I was supposed to either. I wasn't pulling my slack. I was silly.
    But a supervisor i like saw me and came over to me and asked if i was ok, and i burst into tears. I just said i want off the shop floor.

    They were very kind and took me somewhere else. I just feel so stupid and guilty. Its like im crying to get my own way. Everyone struggles its so silly to need to be moved and to need so much help. I must be getting on everyones nerves. I need to get a grip.

    But tomorrow is a new day.  Im at work again for four hours, i can do four hours. I miss being useful. I miss being good at my job.

    There are quieter places i can go but not permanently. I just hate that i need so much help. I know itll pass eventually. I just really don't like feeling so overwhelmed.

    Look after yourself, big hugs <3
    You're awesome!
    yanaAmy22JJLemon18
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Things will get better. I just feel so sad right now.

    I really wanted to be good. I wanted to do a good job. Instead i caused a scene again. I just feel so icky.

    I feel worried. Worried it seems fake and for attention. Worried theyre all mad.

    I dont want to go tomorrow, i dont want to do it again. Its too loud and crowded
    I know ill go and ill get to the end of the day. I just feel so broken.
    You're awesome!
    yanaAmy22JJLemon18
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,792 Community Veteran
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    Things will get better. I just feel so sad right now.

    I really wanted to be good. I wanted to do a good job. Instead i caused a scene again. I just feel so icky.

    I feel worried. Worried it seems fake and for attention. Worried theyre all mad.

    I dont want to go tomorrow, i dont want to do it again. Its too loud and crowded
    I know ill go and ill get to the end of the day. I just feel so broken.


    You don't have to feel bad about feeling sad or upset as this is totally understandable especially if at times the world feels too loud. It sounds like you have had quite a few rough days lately which has added more stress into your routine. I also noticed you mentioned about possibly autistic burnout. It could be that as everything is overwhelming you, you could be feeling signs of burnout. It also sounds like you may have had a sensory overload. Normally, sensory overloads can happen when everything feels too much including noise too. Also, particular triggers can have an impact on sensory overload too. It may be an idea to figure out what your triggers are maybe. I noticed that you have been using self affirmations like @Xee has mentioned which is very good as well as listening to music to help with the feeling of being overwhelmed. I wonder if there is anywhere you could go to or use as a form of quiet time away from things that may be causing you stress or feelings of sensory overload. Sometimes it may be best to remove yourself from the overwhelming stress and find somewhere where you are more likely to feel less overwhelmed. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to,

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    Hey @SpaceOtter ! Happy Sunday! How are u feeling today?

    Sorry to hear yesterday wasn't great but guess what? You got through it!! So you should be really proud of yourself! <3

    It's so lovely that the supervisors are supportive. I completely understand why u feel stupid and guilty. I feel the same in situations like this but I promise you aren't being stupid. Needing help is ok. You deserve lots of help and support and love!! It's ok.

    I hope you're feeling a little less overwhelmed today. If not then maybe do something calming when you get home? Something relaxing or something which u find fun? What stuff do u enjoy?

    Sending lots of big hugs your way!!

    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    edited April 2023
    Hey @Xee big hugs and thank you for your help.

    I used to doodle and build lego but im strugglung right now. Ive been reading and going on walks though.

    I hope youre ok <3
    You're awesome!
    yana
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    edited April 2023
    Things are a little weird right now.
    The only way i can describe is it is i have moments that are happy and i know they are happy, i just cant feel the happiness. The sadness is mixed in and i cant feel the happiness eventhough i know i am happy. Its like if happiness came in a parcel, the parcel arrives in the happy moments but i cant open it. I cant feel the happiness no matter how hard i try to open the parcel, i just end up staring at wondering why i cant feel happines when its right in front of me. Its my happiness and its here, im holding it but i cant feel it. I smile but its a sad smile. Its complicated.

    Someone passed something onto me today. A gift from a friend. I just couldnt stop staring at. I didnt cry or smile. I dont know why it made me sad. It made me feel cared about but it mostly made me sad.

    Yesterday was a better day at work. Im just struggling with needing so much help.

    I saw someone at college today,i rambked and cried. They listened and were patient. It wasnt a relief,i didnt think it woukd be this time. But it was still nice to talk.

    They explained something to me, it still doesnt make much sense. But i appreciate their help. I emailed someone to tell them i understood eventhough i dont really. I dont know if emailing them was the right thing to do. I said i would after easter but maybe they thought it was one if those empty promises, maybe i wasnt supposed to email again.

    Its weird. I told myself the three weeks without anyone would be the hardest part. I didnt expect to feel so sad today.

    I showed the support kady my comunication cards,id been looking forward to sharing them. But i put my hands over my ears and didnt say anything when she complimented them. I just felt very sad.

    I hope youre ok. Take care <3
    You're awesome!
    yanaJJLemon18
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    It sounds difficult that you are struggling right now @SpaceOtter. How have reading and going on walks been for you during this difficult time?

    I am hearing it is almost like you know happiness is there but you can’t access it/get to it/show it, am I hearing this right? You deserve all the help you need.

    You have done so well to show the support the lady your communication cards. How do you feel about how the communication cards are going and the lady’s response?

    We are here for you and listening to you. This sounds like a really difficult time but you deserve all the help and you don’t have to go through this alone <3
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