I feel at conflict with myself

meetreece

Hi guys, I really don't know how to start this so I'm really sorry if this just sounds disorganised I just feel like I need to write my train of thoughts down. There may be a TW for depression. This is my first post so I'm really sorry if any of this comes across awfully.

At the moment I feel like there are so many parts of me at conflict with every other part of me. I'm constantly analysing every decision I make and how it reflects me as a person, almost like I'm psychoanalysing myself. I've only recently turned 16 and for the past few years I'm glad that I've grown more confident and mature as a person but I've become more selfish and careless, specifically towards my Mum. I wanna start by saying that I have never grown up with a Dad as he didn't do the greatest things towards my mum, I have also known I am gay since I was 11, but that hasn't affected me as much as I know it can to others. At home me and my mum are struggling in terrible conditions, currently we've had no hot water or heating for around 6 months now with endless calls to our housing, and no fix. Finances are inconsistent and there are times where my mum will sacrifice her own necessities for me. My mum suffers from depression and has recently endured multiple deaths of close relatives and friends, which has of course worsened it. For a while now though, we are constantly getting into arguments and our relationship has worsened. If I were to put into words how I feel right now about myself, it's that I deeply care to help my friends and the people around me with their problems, trying to be there for them and giving them an ear to talk to, but I don't as much for my mum, finding myself putting other things first. And I don't know exactly why, I just know that it is wrong. But that puts me in this state of conflict because it makes me feel as if I am a disgusting and awful person, and I know that a lot of the things I do make me that, but then I feel like the best version of myself around everybody else. I just feel like I'm this person I never wanted to grow into and I know there is no fixing the things I have said and done, but rather than figuring out how to change or redeem those things, I've just become numb to the guilt of the pain I've caused because I feel so much frustration towards myself. I feel like nobody will ever truly be able to understand me, and that's normal because its just as much as I will never be able to truly understand how it feels for others, but it makes me feel like I'm completely alone and will end up alone. I'm at a bit of a stage in my life where I feel like it's over, like I've missed out on so much that others are able to experience. I suppose I might've become jealous at that, but rather than taking it out on somebody like my dad who has made no effort to better our lives, I take it out on my mum.

I'm so sorry to those who read this, I really don't know how most of this can sound rational. I'm just so scared about the future now when not too long ago I was so hopeful and excited for it. I feel like my life has ended when its meant to be just beginning. I feel trapped in this sense of "I can't ever truly be a good person" because I don't have the traits of people who I admire as good people. I have manners, empathy, and other "good" qualities, but I feel like they can't change my view of myself. I'm sure everybody has a bad side to them, but I just feel like the part of me that I am around my friends is completely invalidated by the person I am with my mum. As a result I tend to look for validation or need to be reassured of others' opinions of me and whether they see me as a good person, often by feeling obligated to tell them the bad things I do, and I wouldn't ever take offence to it if they said I wasn't. I think I need to be asking myself that question, and figuring it out for myself, but I don't know how. I just feel so lost and upset but I still don't know if I can truly understand the reasons for my behaviour and my emotions so I've just become numb to them, like they are me and will always be me (when many of them I don't want to be), and I don't have the ability to change them. Perhaps because of being stressed and occupied with exams, where I'm going next, feeling as if there's no possible way of not feeling at war with myself and the type of person I am, wanting to do better, not wanting what has already happened to have happened, and not knowing how to change. Everything just feels like its collapsing in on me and I know that one day, no matter what, I am going to lose my mum and I won't know how to live after that. It sounds really weird, but like, the knowledge of the fact that I will lose my mum one day already fills me with this deep sense of loss that I'm stuck in, although she is here with me right now. And as much as I know that this is downright disgusting to say about your own mum, I don't truly know if I have the right to say I love her as a person or if I just want what she gives me: somebody who feels like a constant in my life. I do love her indescribably, but I don't think I'm allowed to say I do because of how my actions prove otherwise.

In conclusion, I have no idea what to do, who to talk to, how to feel, and how I should be feeling. I feel normal, but not at all. I feel good superficially, but clearly there is a lot of stuff I don't know how to resolve and I feel like I never will. I'm sorry if this sounds like so much waffle.

meetreece

I can't edit but I realised I should give clarity to the fact that I suppose if there is any advice anybody could give to how I could better understand and make peace with myself before I can start making peace with my mum, which I want to be able to do, that is what I'd like. I don't expect people to know exactly how to make sense of this all, because how can they when not even I can, but I'd massively appreciate anybody who can.

Laura_tigger82

Hey @meetreece. I would, firstly, like to give you a warm welcome to The Mix's community. It is great to see you have joined us and you have been courageous in reaching out to us.

It is really positive this is a space you felt comfortable writing down your train of thought, even if it felt disorganised to you.

It seems like you have been going through such a difficult time, with limited support, unfortunately. "A state of conflict" appears to be a common thread in the difficulties you are currently experiencing.

I want to reassure you that you aren't alone if you don't want to be. We are all here for you and listening to you.

I can also hear this is causing you to feel worried about your future. In an ideal world, what would you like your future to look like and is there anything, in particular, that might help you get there?

You can feel however you feel, all your feelings are valid. This wasn't waffle but please feel free to keep us in the loop with how you are doing. We all care about you

meetreece

Hi @Laura_tigger82 , thank you for replying and for your compassion. It is really hard at the moment for both me and my mum in regards to external help. We have no close relatives and my mum doesn't have any close friends; it is really hard for her to reach out to people due to the experiences she has had when she has done so. She is incredibly untrusting of professionals (such as social services who have tried to intervene many times) as a result of bad experiences like how my half-brother was wrongfully taken away from her by them when he was 12, and put with his abusive father, and is now gang-affiliated, causing my mum constant heartbreak and anxiety. All of this has kind of built up into this situation where the people who my mum could trust are not willing to help, and the people who she doesn't trust have "tried" to, but their help usually isn't accepted and doesn't ever actually ameliorate our problems anyway. To answer your question, coinciding with what our main issue is, is that we need to get out of the house we are currently living in. We have lived in it for 13 years and it is a 3 bedroom council emergency townhouse; we have had no working oven and hob for around 4 years; one of our two toilets has been broken for longer than that; a lot of our doors are fire hazards because of faulty locks (we have to use objects to jam them open at times); there are 3 leaks in our home, all from corroded radiators; we have no flooring or carpet down in the majority of our house due to having to rip them up; and our house has been freezing due to the boiler not being able to loop water around the system. As a result, we have had to use electronic heaters to keep us warm, however that has both drained our electricity and has surged the majority of the plug sockets in our home. My mum is unfit to work and we are living on benefits; we have no ability to live comfortably. I believe that if we were able to live in a new home closer to family, me and my mum's relationship would never get to where it is now. Everything happening is so much harder for my mum than me, but it really does affect me and I know that none of it is her fault but I don't know what to do to help and it just feels like we are going in constant circles. There are so many terrible experiences that my mum has had to go through that have led us to where we are today, and none of those are her fault. We have both just become products of our environment, but we can't see a way out of this situation. We are waiting for me to have finished my exams and secondary school, but it really is becoming unbearable and honestly I have no idea how we will get the wheels turning on a move once I leave.

I know I've outlined all the miserable things happening in our lives; there are good times. But with the situation we are in, every good experience is always ruined by something. I feel like I've lost out on so much of the good with my mum. And, something that majorly plays on my mind is the fact that her mum (who I never got to meet) died of lung cancer from smoking at 44 years old when my mum was 21, only months after she gave birth to my brother. My mum also smokes and rarely goes to the doctors. I can't help but worry that I'm not far away from experiencing the same thing my mum had to in only a few years. And if that ever came to actually happen, there is no way we would even be able to make the most of it due to everything else happening. I really have no idea what can help us; we have tried practically everything.