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How am I meant to feel
Millie2787
Community Champion Posts: 5,190 Part of The Furniture
I’ve been thinking how to write this and I don’t really know how But . Monday evening I did a stupid thing that meant I landed myself in A&E. , something that’s only ever happened once before I was kept overnight for treatment, observation and to speak to the Psyc Liasion team in the morning.
The guy I spoke to was lovely but I just can’t help but feel how the assessment was really like conclusive of anything . We spoke about my childhood and the feelings leading up to what lead me into crisis . It was then a case of him saying he felt like I was safe to go home and he gave me a booklet with different services I could self refer to. I did however find out we have a sanctuary at the other hospital where I am , that if I speak to the team they can organise for me to go to if I ever feel in crisis again and they organise for a taxi back home.
I guess I just still don’t know how I feel … I don’t feel like I’m unsafe but I don’t feel like I’m not okay . I can’t really identify how I’m feeling which I think it making me feel more not okay. I just don’t know how I’m meant to feel , I can’t identify the feelings that I’m feeling
I don’t really know what the point of this post it , just feel like I’m rambling at this point
The guy I spoke to was lovely but I just can’t help but feel how the assessment was really like conclusive of anything . We spoke about my childhood and the feelings leading up to what lead me into crisis . It was then a case of him saying he felt like I was safe to go home and he gave me a booklet with different services I could self refer to. I did however find out we have a sanctuary at the other hospital where I am , that if I speak to the team they can organise for me to go to if I ever feel in crisis again and they organise for a taxi back home.
I guess I just still don’t know how I feel … I don’t feel like I’m unsafe but I don’t feel like I’m not okay . I can’t really identify how I’m feeling which I think it making me feel more not okay. I just don’t know how I’m meant to feel , I can’t identify the feelings that I’m feeling
I don’t really know what the point of this post it , just feel like I’m rambling at this point
Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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Comments
I get the sense that things feel a bit in limbo for you right now, and that perhaps you feel like you should be feeling something more certain one way or the other, but it is hard to place exactly how it is for you. Have I got that right? Can totally understand why that may make you feel less okay, because ultimately, you know that you have recently been at a point of crisis and so it is easy to associate the uncertainty in feeling with an uncertainty in how you may act in the future. Do you know if there is any planned follow up with a mental health team or your GP? If not, do you feel able to reach out to your GP to look at what support could be available?
It's good to have found out about the sanctuary, as having somewhere safe to go to when the world feels anything but safe can be really important. Do you feel like you would be able to speak to them if things ever reached crisis in the future?
Do keep sharing with us if you feel comfortable, we are all here for you
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I guess that’s true . It’s just hard to reach out for help when you don’t exactly know how your feeling , so understandably people don’t know to how to help - I don’t expect them to know how to help if I don’t know how I feel.
I’m not sure if my Gp will text for a follow up , I mean they would of been notified that I was in A&E as I think they get a copy of the assessment with the psyc liaison team . I doubt I would even get an appointment anytime soon , I’ve been trying for ages to get an appointment for something different and each day I get told to ring back the next day as they book routine appointments 2 weeks in advance.
I’d like to think I could access the Sanctuary in the future but it’s difficult as my mum has me on Find my friends so she would question why I was at the hospital- I had to make up some lie on Monday as I couldn’t tell them the truth and they won’t ever find out the truth . There only open Thursday - Sunday , I guess they cover that weekend period where other services are shut.
I can totally hear your frustrations around not knowing exactly what you're feeling, Millie. Emotions and feelings are deeply personal experiences, and they don't always translate easily into words or explanations. You're doing a great job by continuing to share how you're feeling with us here.
You've also mentioned that your Mum has you on Find my Friend, Millie, and so your ability to reach out for support when it involves going to a physical location is limited. Am I hearing that right? That sounds really difficult. Do you have anyone else in your support network that your able to speak with about how you're feeling, if you're not able to speak to your Mum? Would you like to tell us some more about your relationship with you Mum, Millie?
You're doing really well to share with us how you're feeling, and this is a safe space for you to do exactly that. There's no need for anything that you want to say to be perfectly formed or to be fully understandable - if it's on your mind and you'd like to share it with us then we're all ears.
Take care Millie,
Harry
You’re right , it’s difficult to access in person support when Mum can track me . It’s okay if it isn’t based at the hospital because she doesn’t think to much off it but it’s safe to say a lot of in person crisis services are based on some sort of hospital site. It’s one of those things where if I stop sharing my location it sends them a notification of that , which just makes it more awkward to explain.
The reason we started doing it was all in good faith, when I was on placement in may last year there was a lot of accidents on the stretch of the motorway I used to have to travel on , so understandably mum was anxious and used that to make sure I was okay.
I guess I don’t really have a support network, I mean I can talk to my sister about my physical health things , because that just seems more acceptable. But as for my mental health I don’t really have anyone . I have friends but there either more people I’m friendly with rather than “friends” or have there own significant life problems going on that I don’t want to burden them with having to worry about me.
My relationship with my mum has never been great . I guess some of the things she used to do and say would border emotional abuse. Since I moved out for uni in 2021 things are a little better , but they’re not great. There’s just a lot of things she doesn’t understand and she has a lot of issues that she never really has spoken about , so she tends to project her anger and upset onto me.
Why do people tell you to reach out but then when you do dismiss the concerns you have . Where am I genuinely meant to go for help when no one will help me.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to deal with the disappointment of not being taken seriously, I know the feeling all too well. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be supported. I understand it's been a difficult period of time for with lots of overwhelming things on your mind, it must be so upsetting yanking the step to ask for help only to be left feeling the way you do.
GPs can be hit and miss but I don't want you to give up hope *hugs*. It's okay too if you need to switch doctor's, I had to do that in my teens similar reasons. Is that something that's an option for you at the moment?
I was wonderibgbwhat support you were currently receiving and what kind of support would be really beneficial for you at the moment?
I’m not really sure what support I want , I just I know I need someone to talk to about everything but it seems no one wants to provide me with that
Not really sure what it surprises me anymore . Mental health services have always let me down in the past so nothing is gonna change now
I dont have any advice sadly. I just wanted to say im really sorry about how difficult things are right now and im really sorry youve been let down. It really sucks.
Sending lots of hugs. I know its not quite the same but im always happy to listen if you need anything
I understand how hurtful and discouraging it is when services continuously let you down but please please don't give up yet, I promise you there's a way. A friend recently told me about their experience with MH services and you'd think that they would have taken a pregnant and suicidal person seriously but it wasn't the case. I recently had a breakthrough with the services and it's just a case of advocating for yourself and making them listen. Your experience and feelings are valid, and they always will be valid, even if doesn't feel like it at the moment.
I know you mentioned previously about having difficulty in identifying your emotions, what's the update on this currently? Now that some time has passed have you been able to gain some clarity on what led to your spiral? and if not, don't be so harsh on yourself. Sometimes there's so much going on and so many emotions rolled into 1, it can be challenging to unknot it all.
I reckon, once you have a bit more clarity, it will make accessing the right kind of help a lot clearer too. and at the moment it really sounds like you just need a listening and a safe place to offload instead of keeping everything in so much, that it pushes you to use behaviors as a coping mechanism.
Work, MH, family issues, it's all a lot to deal with, and to have gotten this far must have taken a lot of strength(lemme get some pls). You also inspired me to get my mood cards with the labeled emotions back out of storage, are you familiar with the wheel of emotions by any chance? I've dropped a link below with a little extra info that you might find validating too. This might help in understanding your feelings a bit more.
No pressure to reply of course, sending big hugs
https://raywilliams.ca/how-labeling-your-emotions-can-help-you-manage-stress-and-anxiety/