Romantic Attraction

Amy22

I've been meaning to post this for a while but have never got round to doing it. My query is to do with romantic attraction and sexuality. I'm currently in a relationship where I will say that I am very happy to be with the person I am with as they are very kind and caring. However, the person I am with, we tend to go out and go on dates. They like to give me a lot of pda (aka romantic stuff) which I don't mind but sometimes when we kiss, I don't know I don't psychically feel anything like most people would you know when doing something romantic. I have considered that there is a possibility of me being asexual in some way because I can't process this feeling. However, I do love the person I am with but sometimes the romantic side I don't mind but they like always want to do it, and there are days where I just really want to hang out and talk. Its funny too cause I recently saw them the other day and then the next day they said they miss me a lot, eventhough we do see each a lot so it's not like I'm too far away. Sometimes I can't always be there for them because of college and studying, I think that's why they miss me a lot. They are a very generous person. I think I wrote this because maybe I am romantically confused and I kind of feel like a not very good girlfriend at the moment as I haven't been able to see them as much. I don't know really, I think I just needed somewhere to post this.

Amy22

I think I see him as a friend really

AislingDM

This sounds like such a complex position to be in @Amy22 , especially when you have so much love for a person but the romantic and sexual side just doesn't seem to align with the love at the same time. It must have been pretty confusing coming to the realisation that he is more of a friend to you than a romantic partner. Love can be such a stressful emotion at times because it should be this happy positive thing, but when it doesn't fit with what our body 'wants' or even our other emotions, it's tough to accept the fact that maybe the person should be a friend rather than a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner.

I wonder what led you to realise that he is more of a friend to you?

Amy22

Thank you so much @AislingDM I guess it's only now that I feel this way about them. They are a great person and I'm worried that if I tell them it will upset them. The thing is another reason I feel they are a friend is because whenever I offered to go out places for like food or the cinema they often say no and they worry about me having to pay for things even though I think it would be a treat for them. They tend to stick to routine I guess, we either go to the park or they want to go to my house and see my parents. Sometimes, I don't mind that but I don't want it to be constant you know. I think they see me and my parents as a sort of family in some way. The other day they wanted to see but I wasn't feeling my best so I explained to them that I didn't feel like hanging out with them but they still came to my house to see me. I guess they may be unsure of the concept of no maybe. The fact I'm in college too I guess doesn't help the situation as there will be days I won't be able to hang out with them because of my college commitments. Also I'm always applying for jobs n stuff and I managed to do a video interview for the bbc. So if I did get in I would also have a job to do. I don't think my boyfriend has got a job yet which is totally fine but I know they volunteer and they have lots of free time. I guess they feel lonely when I'm not with them and I feel bad that I'm not giving them enough. Excuse my language but sometimes I feel like a *shit* girlfriend sometimes as I'm terrible at commitment. It's why I'm best being alone really. Sorry for the very long rant, my parents also know about it too and have suggested maybe we are just friends due to the complexity of stuff going on at the moment. It's like when I say I'm not really interested in hanging out on certain they come to my house to see me.

JJLemon18

Hi @Amy22. Its really brave of you to share your thoughts about this here, and I absolutely see where you're coming from.
I'm not really experienced or too familiar on the topics but would like to say my own opinion if you don't mind.

From what you are saying I can tell you really seem to like each other, but I can't tell if its romantic or just a friendship because everyone is different and that really depends on how you both feel about it.

You mentioned that they don't want you to pay for things which I think is completely normal. Many people want to act nice by offering stuff and paying for it themselves as making someone else pay might seem like a rude thing to do for them. Although I believe people shouldn't do this too often. Every time I go with my family somewhere they will always argue with each other because they all want to pay for everything themselves, it is so annoying so I get why you feel this way.

You also keep mentioning how you feel like you're not a good girlfriend to them. It seems you feel like you're disappointing them in some way (which is a really nice sign that you care and don't want them feeling bad). This may not be the case at all. I know a lot of people (myself included) who keep viewing themselves negatively like they're "not good enough" or they "could do better" to the point where we stop seeing all the good things about ourselves. I think you should try to see the positives in yourself more, just like the lyrics in one of my favourite songs say "how can you love if you don't love yourself".

Amy22 wrote: »

The other day they wanted to see but I wasn't feeling my best so I explained to them that I didn't feel like hanging out with them but they still came to my house to see me. I guess they may be unsure of the concept of no maybe.

I understand if you don't want to, but do you mind sharing why you think they came to see you regardless of you saying you don't feel like meeting? Maybe they were worried about you so they thought to check up on you to make you feel better.

I feel like it would be best if you two talked about all this with each other.
Maybe they feel the same the same way as you, that is why they are trying to be so nice to you and wanting to meet up with you all the time which in turn makes you feel worse about yourself. I don't know of any relationship where both people put the exact same amount of effort into it, and I think that's alright as long as both sides are happy with it.

Anyways I'm writing too much haha. I hope someone can give you some better advice than me, AislingDM definitely said some wise words. Take care!

Amy22

Thank you so much @JJLemon18 and @AislingDM

Amy22

I think I need to talk to them about it as I have been very busy with college work so it has been hard trying to balance out my college work life with seeing them too. I kind of feel bad as I know they miss me a lot when I have to go to college.

AislingDM

I couldn't agree more @Amy22 , of course I say that with a lot of caution, because I know being bluntly honest about your feelings in a situation like this can be immensely difficult, if not near-impossible at times Especially when you think about all of the other factors involved in the situation, like your parents and the burden you're under when it comes to college and applying for jobs. It's no wonder this stress is all causing you to rethink everything about them. Acknowledging this in and of itself is a big hardship

It makes a lot of sense to feel bad about all of this, not because you are a bad person or are doing anything wrong (at the end of the day, honesty is the kindest thing you can give them) but because it's so hard not to constantly blame ourselves when things are not working out the way we hoped/imagined they would.

I suppose, I am wondering, what are the main things that are stopping you from wanting to talk to them? (please don't take this question with any judgement, I'm just hoping we can talk out what kinds of feelings you're having about the prospect of having a convo with them).

Huge hugs xx