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I want to get some sort of mental health diagnosis but I don’t think that will happen
spoon
Posts: 375 Listening Ear
I think I have anxiety and possibly other things (I think I am some flavour of neurodivergent) but I’m worried I’m just looking for an excuse for the way I am. I seen my GP before, and CAMHS in the past, but as far as I know, I haven’t been diagnosed with anything. I’m worried they won’t believe me or it would be another stupid blood test telling me I just need a bit more vitamin D or being told to go swimming or something. I’ve been told that when I make college/uni applications when I was being tested to see if I needed my exam access arrangements that I should apply as disabled, but then these applications ask what those issues are and I end up having nothing to tick and it makes me feel fake and I worry I won’t get the support I need. Or maybe I don’t need that support and I’m just lazy. But I hate finding it hard to talk in groups or thinking I’m a failure. I hate having the urge everyday to hurt myself even though its been over two years since I did, and before that, nearly a year. I hate that it’s been so long and I still get the urge, sometimes strongly and I know that’s suppose to make me a strong person, resisting so long, but because it’s been so long, I know I would hesitate if I decide to do it again so I just don’t do it. I know I’m mentally in a better place than when I was at school, but it’s not good enough. I just want to figure out if there’s something there.
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Comments
I can really empathise with this post and I feel for you. I ran into these issues when I was at school and had similar frustrations. Just know that you're not lazy or a failure. People, their natures and their abilities vary massively, yet we're all expected to exist in the same systems of work and education. Plus, awareness of neurodivergence and health and wellbeing still isn't as good as it should be in those systems, and that means we can chafe against these barriers.
An excuse, or an explanation? I doubt you would get a diagnosis and then go 'aha! now I can get away with anything!' and then twirl your long black moustache.
I joke but I wonder if your thinking here is due to the society we live in. These are the words people use about mentally unwell or neurodivergent people and it's easy to internalise that. In reality, it sounds like you just want to figure out what your personal barriers might be. To me, that sounds really sensible and pragmatic. I don't think you're trying to justify any malicious behaviour.
And hey, if that doesn't go the way you want it to or you don't reach a satisfying conclusion, there are steps you can take after that to continue trying to get to the bottom of this. It's true that getting a diagnosis for anything can be long and arduous - and sometimes they get it wrong - and it's good to manage your expectations around that. But there can also be barriers we run into with our mental health or our life circumstances that aren't formally recognised, so not getting a diagnosis doesn't need to invalidate the fact that there IS a barrier for you in your life - if you feel it, it's real for you.
I feel like I'm waffling a bit so I'll stop the mental flow here - but I really empathise with you @spoon. Is there a particular diagnosis you would hope to land on, or are you open to whatever?
Im sorry its taken me a little while to write this and it may not make alot of sense. I just felt this post in my bones. I felt very much the same way.
I remember telling the assesor that a diagnosis felt like letting me off the hook. To which he told me two things. Firstly alot of hard work comes after a diagnosis, a diagnosis doesn't magicaly change everything in fact you have to put in a lot of work during and after, but it means we know how to properly help. Secondly being on the hook isn't a nice place to be. Things aren't right for you at the moment, a diagnosis can be away of making you happy and comfortable. It can be a way of accessing the support you deserve.
And spoon you deserve so much help.
You should be proud of your two years self harm free, you are very strong. But it is very tiring being strong isn't it. You must be very tired. I think reaching out to a medical professional is a very good idea.
In the meantime what sort of things help when youre struggling. Is there anything that helps you get lost in your own little world. Like reading or a video game, a favourite film or a puzzle.
You're not lazy spoon. Read that again. You're not lazy! Your mind is different everyone's is. But some minds struggle more in this world than others. We're in a society and world that is tailored towards some peoples needs but not everyones. Giving you support is just giving you the help and opportunities you deserve.
I understand its very scary the idea of not being listened to. But we'll be cheering you on the entire time. Always happy to listen if you ever need someone to talk to.
Maybe before talking to someone you could write everything out. Just to help them get the full picture.
Im sorry your brain is being so unkind right now. You deserve support spoon, and your struggles are real and valid.
Big hugs spoon.
(Sorry if this came across patronising kr a bit strange)
To be honest, I think I want to focus on the anxiety part. I have been said to show signs on anxiety and depression back at CAMHS but I was never diagnosed. I think if I ever did have depression, than I probably don't anymore, but anxiety is still something I think I have. I was on "neurodevelopmental pathways" at and got assessed for ADHD and they said I didn't have it. I related and still do relate to a lot of the symptoms, but I don't think I relate to others with it or the impulsivity part of it. I think they suspected ASD before but even though there's some traits I can kind of see in myself, I barely relate to the signs of it at all and they quickly said I didn't seem to have it anyway. I have tics but they never did anything about it, last time I went to the GP, they basically told me to go swimming lol. To be fair, they are very mild now. It just sucks that I never really felt truly listened to from both my GP and CAMHS, I don't think I even got a discharge letter, but now that I'm older, maybe I could explain myself better.
When I got tested to get my exam arrangements, they said my visual and auditory processing and my short term memory isn't the greatest, though I don't know if that actually means anything. They recommended behavioural optometry but that's not NHS lol. I don't know if it's right to call myself neurodivergent so I'm not comfortable using that label on myself. Sometimes I feel both too normal and not normal enough if that makes sense. I don't know if they are able to diagnose me with neurodevelopmental stuff tbh, but I feel like anxiety would explain a lot. I know things like adhd is harder to diagnose in girls so who knows at this point lol. I compare myself to other people, both irl and here and it seems like everyone is struggling much more.
I was never addicted to self harm or did it so much (though I guess doing it at all is considered too much) which is good at least, even if the urges are always there.
I do invalidate myself a lot but I'm trying not to. I think an explanation really is what I want.
I know there has already been so great responses and advice, so I'll try not to pile on too much
I just wanted to add on that I couldn't agree more with everything you are saying, particularly the point about feeling 'too normal, but not normal enough'. I think whenever you can 'function' relatively 'well' to others (e.g., doctors, people at school, even parents) it can be an impossible internal struggle between thinking everything is relatively fine and knowing that you need more support than you are getting. I think the fact alone that you want a diagnosis to give you some sense of explanation/understanding for your pain is beyond reasonable and reinforces just how much you need to have your anguish legitimately seen by the professionals around you.
I reckon that when we have lived our lives in a way that seems so 'normal' to us and that can look different to other people who are diagnosed with depression or anxiety or any other mental health need or neurodivergence, we can really second-guess ourselves into thinking we're being dramatic or something, even though you certainly are not. And wanting your complex mental distress and anxiety to be identified and recognised is certainly what you deserve. Equally, I know it's hard to believe this when you have had professionals doubting you, misunderstanding you or simply disbelieving you. It's an immensely frustrating thing to come up against, and of course it will lead to this invalidation that you mention that you are working so hard to push yourself out of!
I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but sometimes going into a GP or mental health appointment with a clear list of symptoms is as good an approach as you can have. I say this because, often people make snap judgements when they meet us, regardless of whether it is consciously or not. So, this way you can ensure that you represent yourself and your struggles accurately, so that you can try as hard as possible not to let them shoot you down. I know this is much easier said than done though.
Either way, huge hugs and thank you so much for being so insightful about how much distress and confusion this is causing you
(Also, upon re-reading, I can see that this is a very long response from me after I said it wouldn't be! Apologies for this, and no pressure to respond at all xxx
Visual and auditory processing means the ability to process what you can see and hear and respond to it. For example, visually, you might find it takes you a while to make sense of visual information, notice something or to 'find' things visually e.g. look at exactly what someone else is pointing at, while auditory processing means that you might take a little while to hear what someone has said, understand it and then respond to it. This, combined with short term memory issues, anxiety, depression, tics and being able to relate to parts of ADHD/ASD could help to form your list of symptoms.
Neurodivergence is a spectrum. You may come across people with similar struggles as yourself, or perhaps others who come across as struggling more or less than you. But that doesn't invalidate your own struggles.
Alternatively, it's also okay if you just want to seek help with anxiety. Whatever you decide to do, know that you are not a failure nor are you lazy. The very fact that you want help disputes these thoughts