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Not sure if I like relationships or anything

Past UserPast User Posts: 0 Just got here
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  • kaiikaii Posts: 543 Incredible Poster
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User, I'm so sorry that you've been hurt so many times in your relationships, that feeling of hurt is absolutely terrible. It can take a long time for you to heal from all the pain, so taking a break from relationships may help. Engaging in other activities may also help you feel better, for example, doing your hobbies. <3

    Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to answer your question as I'm not sure if there's a label for what you're describing.

    Sending hugs <3
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User

    I'm hearing that you have been hurt in relationships. That sounds really difficult. As @kaii has said it's totally okay to take a break from relationships and let yourself heal from the pain of previous relationships.

    I feel like gender and sexual identity is different for each person, I'm not sure if there is a specific label for someone who is non-binary and gay. As I guess this might be different for different people. I found a list of LGBTQ terms you might find helpful I'll attach the link for you https://www.stonewall.org.uk/list-lgbtq-terms
    Post edited by TheMix on
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 197 Trailblazer
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User

    I'm sorry you've been hurt in the past and that it's affecting you in a negative way. I second what others said about taking time to heal, both for the sake of your own mental health and for future relationships (if you'll want to engage in that again). Healing takes time, there's no rush.

    Also, I'm nonbinary as well, and while finding a label that describes your experience might make you feel seen, also remember that if you don't find any that feels exactly right that's okay. Everyone experiences sexuality and gender differently, it's deeply subjective. I know many nonbinary gay people who just prefer going by 'queer' or many female aligned people who are nonbinary but still prefer using the term 'lesbian'. What I would recommend would be to acquaint yourself with LGBT+ history to learn more about how societal ideas of genders and sexuality came to be and how they may interact in the modern world, that helped me a lot to understand the way in which I myself perceive things. Another thing that helped was reading about the lived experiences of other queer people. I think it could help you have a clearer idea of how other trans and queer people experience their sexuality and body, as well as the world around them, and maybe you'd be able to recognise yourself in some of what they describe and understand why they use a specific term to describe themselves instead of another.
    Post edited by TheMix on
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Suffering so much heartbreak can honestly turn us off of relationships altogether, it makes complete sense to feel fearful or avoidant of entering into a relationship again, especially if you have so many negative experiences discouraging you from doing so @Past User :( I'd be grateful to hear some more about this if you just wanted to vent? xx

    And in terms of the point about labels, firstly, I am loving everyone's helpful advice and points, and secondly thank you for sharing this with us.

    It's great that you were able to take a look at some existing labels and decide which ones don't fit. Anything that makes you uncomfortable certainly doesn't have to be used! Plus, there does not have to be a rush to find the set label if you don't want to or it's causing you too much stress. No one is entitled to know how you define yourself <3.

    Perhaps we could talk out some of the other labels on the list that feel more fitting and your thoughts about that? For the longest time, I struggled to even call myself bisexual due to being raised in a very catholic environment, and so even if something feels a bit uncomfortable now, that does not mean we have to be fearful of it xx

    (BTW 'subjective' means "based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions", so in this context, I reckon it means the labels we use to describe ourselves completely differ from person to person. For example, some lesbians may use the word "gay", whereas others might feel this misrepresents who they are, so each word is subjective, or different for each person's life and experiences).

    Huge hugs regardless, and thank you for being so vulnerable here x
    Post edited by TheMix on
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  • MaisyMaisy Deactivated Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    edited February 2023
    Hey Morgan,

    Gender is a tricky subject but the way that I see it is that gender is a social construct. This means that society has created ideas about gender but these are often stereotypes and don't reflect how everyone feels for example girls like pink, boys like blue, girls like animals, make up, baking, boys like sports, science, computers etc. Because of these attitudes, we may grow up feeling like we don't identify with our gender, but the reality is that it's okay to just 'be you'. It's okay to be a male who is more interested in the arts or psychology and likes to talk about feelings and has friends who are girls just as much as it's okay for a female to be more interested in sports, hates make-up and dresses and likes to hang out with boys.

    I'm not a part of the LGBTQ+ community so I may be speaking out of turn here but I do sometimes wonder whether we get hung up on labels at times. For example, non-binary for you means not identifying with either gender but then you are also gay where that would imply that you are attracted to the same gender as yourself which kind of opposes the label of non-binary. That sounds confusing to get your head around! But you could also think of it as gender and sexual orientation which are two different things, in that sense, it's entirely possible to have a difference between gender and sexual orientation, maybe that would help? That it's okay to be non-binary and to also be gay (or even bi)? You don't have to be one or the other or anything else if you feel like you don't relate to it. I also understand that there's more to it than 'just a label' that perhaps with a label comes understanding but as the others have explained- it's subjective, meaning that everyone experiences and interprets things differently. I also understand that with a label comes a community but however you do or don't identify, it can help to have supportive people in your life who will be there for you regardless of how you identify.

    I'm really sorry to hear how you have been badly hurt in previous relationships. You did not deserve to be sexually abused, or to have experienced abusive partners and difficulties with boundaries. As it's been said, it's more than okay to take time away from relationships while you are healing from the hurt. With time, you will overcome the hurt and when you feel ready, you will be able to experience healthy relationships. I'm wondering if you have had any counselling at all to deal with the abuse? It might help you to talk to someone about any concerns or worries that you have when healing from the trauma.
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Each of these traumatising experiences must have been so draining and heartbreaking for you @Past User , it's like you work so hard just to trust again each time, and each new relationship has brought a lot of pain and mistreatment. This couldn't be more wrong. It's no wonder this all starts to impact how you view yourself and your identity. :(

    I reckon it can be tough to decide a label for anyone, but this is especially more complex when looking back on how you felt in past relationships is muddied by unjust treatment and trauma, because it can definitely make navigating those feelings a more stressful experience altogether.

    I'm really glad you're starting to think of what label fits you and I think acknowledging being bi on here can be important, so huge well done for this <3 Sometimes knowing there is someone you like can impact how we define ourselves and for this reason lots of people argue that sexuality is fluid, so some people may define themselves as gay, then bi, then settle back on gay, then queer etc.. and that truly is okay.

    If you'd like to talk about the guy you might like, we can certainly do that too :)
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Not a problem at all, I am always glad to get to hear from you @Past User , especially because I know it isn't always easy :(

    I know you mentioned to Maisy that no one knows about the abuse other than us here on The Mix, which makes me all the more grateful that you feel you can be that honest and vulnerable with us. How do you feel about no one else knowing? <3
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  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    edited September 18
    Completely, it makes so much sense @Past User ! Some people can be extremely cruel and heartless when it comes to what they post online, like making jokes about totally inappropriate topics because they simply do not think about how it'll affect others :(

    Plus, you're well within your rights to want the things that have happened to remain private, until you're ready to share with others, and even if you never want to share with people in real life, that's okay too. It seems like not knowing how people will react is a pretty daunting part of this, you can be brave enough to talk and open up, but there is always the worry that someone will give you a less-than-helpful response. It's no wonder the idea of talking on here feels a bit safer for you <3
    Post edited by TheMix on
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