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Suicidal & self harm

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
So thought I’d make my own post instead of spamming the hugs thread. Feel like I don’t deserve the support as I haven’t been replying to others. But yeah I did used to a lot. I’ll get back to it.


Anyway just thought I’d update and then post here. So I’ve been self harming the other week and it needs surgery i don’t know when. And I stayed at hospital waiting for a mental health bed but went home because I would of been in a&e forever but I am
Under the home treatment team atm. I don’t find it helpful tbh. I find it a bit annoying because of my family arguing about someone coming round & couldn’t give a fuck if it’s to help me and yeah I have a med review with them tomorrow. I don’t know what they’ll say about that. Anyway I’m just really sad. And tonight I am getting the urges to hurt myself again. But I am doing my best to not
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,303 Part of The Furniture
    edited January 2023
    You absolutely deserve the support you need @Siobhan. What does support, in the ideal world, look like for you at the moment?

    We appreciate it when you are able to support others. However, we never use it against you if you are not able. You need to do what's best for you and be in the right space before you support others.

    You have been really brave in reaching out to us and sharing this with us. I can hear that you feel annoyed and really sad at the moment. It sounds like home treatment is not helping you yet your family just wants someone to come around, even if it's not helpful for you.

    I appreciate 'tomorrow' has already been now. Would you like to tell us more about how your med review has gone? We are here for you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us.

    Sending you hugs <3
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you.

    My meds review was okay. Was with two doctors who was nice and just upped my antidepressant and actually validated how awful I must feel to do this to myself & inflict so much pain onto myself.

    Got another appointment at the hospital. A charity might be able to help me and send me £250 to help with the travel costs which is nice. Although I’ve spent a lot more than that but yeah it’s better than no help and I don’t deserve it as self inflicted anyway
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Had lots of gas and air at my appointment, feeling a bit sick now ah. I was pretending it was hurting more than it was because the gas and air was funny feeling lmao

    They also won’t do surgery for myself harm if I’m still actively self harming
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,579 Part of The Furniture
    Siobhan wrote: »
    They also won’t do surgery for myself harm if I’m still actively self harming
    Did they tell you what they mean by 'actively self-harming'?
    Siobhan wrote: »
    My meds review was okay. Was with two doctors who was nice and just upped my antidepressant and actually validated how awful I must feel to do this to myself & inflict so much pain onto myself.

    Got another appointment at the hospital. A charity might be able to help me and send me £250 to help with the travel costs which is nice. Although I’ve spent a lot more than that but yeah it’s better than no help and I don’t deserve it as self inflicted anyway
    This is really cool - I'm glad you got nice people for your meds review. It's amazing how powerful that validation can be, when they actually see the pain beneath. Do you mind me asking what charity can help with the travel costs? Had no idea that was a thing!

    PS, You definitely deserve help, even if this is self-inflicted. :)
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  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2023
    Thank you Mike

    And it’s Cause every time I see them I have new injuries so they say they’re not going to do the surgery while I’m still getting new injuries. Which I’m not sure why. Like if it needs a skin graft it needs a skin graft but I kinda get it because I don’t have much healthy skin left cause of self harm for them to get so they would have to consider a donor aswell. But yeah all the new injuries would need a skin graft aswell so they just said will keep at the treatment. So I had to have gas and air today so they could do something that would otherwise be done with surgery and they got quite a lot off so it could heal by its self. But she was very nice and said she can stop. But I said it’s fine and told her to keep going. There’s still some that need doing so I will need gas and air for my next appointment. But I really am trying to stop the self harm. But I di still keep doing it. That hospital are very nice to me considering it’s self inflicted and I just keep adding to it. So I should meet them half way and stop.


    I don’t really know about the chairty as they did all that for me. But I just know it’s called (sorry just edited out the charity name as just googled it and it’s a charity for survivors for that specific injury. So just in case anyone googled it and saw the injury type wouldn’t be helpful cause Not like a transport service & just would see method of self harm) which then kinda makes me feel more bad. I ain’t a survivor of something traumatic I just did it on purpose
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    @Siobhan

    You deserve support! You say you feel like you don't because you haven't been replying to others, but it goes back to that cliche thing of needing to look after yourself before doing the same for others. Sometimes, you can take a break from supporting others because it sounds like right now, you need to nurture yourself and that is okay.

    You are sooooo incredibly strong and I totally get you, like you know how awful you feel but for someone else to recognise that, it is like a validation. There are a couple times I have noticed in your language that you seem to put it down like you are not worthy of support because you do this to yourself. You say you don't deserve that money as this is self-inflicted, and how the hospital are very nice to you considering it’s self inflicted. As you know from experience, self-harm is incredibly complex. In hindsight it may seem like a choice, and yes I guess it is, but as someone who also deals with self-harm when you are in that mindset it's not really, and there are many reasons why people do it, and that doesn't mean that you are unworthy of help. Would you say to someone who had an addiction to alcohol that they are not worthy of support because it is self-inflicted?

    You ARE 100% worthy of love and support and help and I hope that in time you can believe that. I am giving you a big virtual hug <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you very much

    But every thing is really bad atm. Work sent me home yesterday because I was suicidal and told me I might be getting suspended. I went and got absolutely drunk by myself in a pub. A manager messaged me on Instagram to check up on me and came to take me home. But I am very embarrassed. I was very drunk and kept falling
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Now detained 136
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Help me I’m sad
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    We're here with you @Siobhan <3

    It sounds so hard what you're going through at the moment on top of the added pressure of work saying they might suspend you. I know how important work is to you and how worried you've been before about them suspending you. Do you feel comfortable sharing more about what happened yesterday and how you've been feeling?

    I can really hear how sad you're feeling Siobhan, keep posting here whenever you need to, we're here and we all care about you. Where are you at the moment with your 136? Are they giving much support to help you at the moment?

    Keep going <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited January 2023
    Work did suspend me this morning so I was triggered

    I’m at a 136 suite waiting for an assessment

    Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Really sorry to hear about work @Siobhan, I hope you're not suspended for too long and you're able to get back to work soon. Keep us updated with how your assessment goes <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2023
    Doubt I’ll be allowed back now. I can’t even work.
    Post edited by JustV on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited January 2023
    You've been really brave sharing this with us @Siobhan <3, I've dropped you a private message to check in with you a bit more and also wanted to get back to you here too.

    I'm hearing how much you're going through and how uncertain it's feeling with work at the moment. It's a really difficult place to be in not knowing if you'll be allowed back. Work can be a really important place and form of support particularly if there's a lot you're going through outside of work. Do you feel comfortable sharing more about what's been going on for you and what's led you to make up your mind about ending your life?

    You've been really brave to open up about here @Siobhan. Can you share with me how strong this is feeling for you at the moment? What do you feel can help you stay safe?

    Remember these services are always a call or text away whenever you need them. There's lots of supportive and caring people here to help you through this <3
    * If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. 
    *Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, and are experiencing any painful emotion or are in crisis, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
    * Papyrus - If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
    * Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

    We're here for you Siobhan :)
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,634 Extreme Poster
    Just wanted to say that you have been so brave in opening up to us on here @Siobhan

    There are so many people in your life and on here that care for you and don't want to see you in the pain your in at the moment - so please seek advice and support if and when you need it, as your so important to so many people. We are all here for you on the boards as well if and when you need us

    Sending you lots of hugs
    Sinead <3
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I don’t want to speak. Just wanted to update that I’m still alive sadly
    Thanks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,303 Part of The Furniture
    We are really pleased to hear you are still alive and with us @Siobhan. It is okay that you don't want to speak.

    You only need to speak when you want to and feel comfortable. We are all here for you and listening to you if you would like to speak though.

    Take care, for now, we are all here with you and thinking of you :)
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I’m in mental health ward
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I’ve had the worst few days of my life 😭😭apart from abuse
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,800 The Mix Elder
    Hi @Siobhan I'm so sorry that you are currently going through this. We are here for no matter what. I can imagine how stressful the whole situation of being suspended from work and also having to stay in hospital must be like. I just wanted to say that make sure that you are taking out time for yourself and doing things that you find calming or helping during these times. I am always here if you ever need someone to talk to or listen to. I hope tounare feeling okay,

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 1,084 Wise Owl
    Hey @Siobhan

    I just wanted to send you some hugs and let you know that we are all here for you :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I think I’m getting discharged tomorrow which I’m okay about.
    My blood tests came back with low iron and high liver stuff because I’ve been drinking to cope
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I haven’t completely lost my job. I am so happy. Their occupational doctor, is the nicest doctor
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,634 Extreme Poster
    I'm glad to hear you haven't lost your job @Siobhan. Hope you're doing okay

    Sending hugs
    Sinead :blush:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 287 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Siobhan just checking in, how are you doing today?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thanks guys. I am struggling but obviously not as bad as I was last week.
    doing my best to keep distracted started crocheting 🧶
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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