I feel like my brains crashing

SpaceOtter

TW- Thoughts of suicide


Things have been a little different lately. Something in my mind shifted.

Ive thought about what it would take to make it all stop before. Ive thought about death alot. I used to think about it all the time when the world felt grey and I didn't feel like I mattered.

I remember feeling low and death sounding like an escape, in the bad moments it would flicker into my mind. And it felt like being given a magic key, a way to escape the box i was locked in. I didn't have to use it but found comfort in the fact i had it.

I don't think I've ever been this overwhelmed before. The feeling of anxiety never stops. Most of the time there aren't even thoughts behind the horrible feelings, there's nothing to reason with anymore. These horrible feelings are there when i fall asleep and they greet me every morning. Every room im in feels too loud and every person feels too close. Every second im fighting the urge to cry or just scream.

I used to feel like i was suffocating and i was surrounded by people but no one could see me struggling for air. But right now i don't think ive ever felt so supported before. There's a lot of people trying to help, but nothing changes. On the days i sob uncontrollably i wonder if my brain is dying already.

Im trying, im really trying to stay. Getting better takes time but i can't do this for much longer.

The difference between other times and now is nothing about death feels "good" or remotely "right" . But it feels like my only option. Thinking about not being here anymore isn't a refuge anymore. But it feels almost like something that needs to happen. I cant really explain it. I play scenarios over and over in my head to figure out what i need to do to minimise the damage it causes to others.

Ive researched in great detail, ive written letters, ive made lists of passwords and any other important information. Ive been thinking and researching for months. I think about it constantly, even on rare the days where the feelings if anxiousness arent as intense.

Its too close to Christmas to do anything right now , I dont want to taint it more tgan i inevitably will. Insteas i find myself thinking about the end of January a lot. I also had a little hope in the back of my mind that maybe things would change. I thought maybe id figure out. But im so tired.

Ive been seeing a few people for my mental health lately. Im really trying. I keep reaching out but im just too weak. I want to be here for the people i love. The guilt of the impact of this is what kept me here so long, but I don't have the strength to carry on like this for much longer. I can't survive like this past January. I need thing's to change, i hope they do.

I can't remember many details of the past few months, ive been sleepwalking my way through it. I feel so disconnected from the idea of me and death, theres no intense feelings just a sense of this needs to be done.
I know this all sounds a bit overdramatic. I suppose thats what ive always struggled most with when talking about mental health. People cant see it, no matter what words you use no one can understand how intense it feels to you. I always feel so silly when I try to explain it.

I am safe right now. I just needed to get these words out of my head.

I hope if you made it this far youre ok and im sending hugs

Former Member

Hi @SpaceOtter

I just wanted to start by saying how brave it is to talk about how you’re feeling, and for reaching out for support at what sounds like a really difficult time for you. You did the right thing by getting in touch with the community. We are all here for you and you are not alone in how you are feeling

I hear that you’re thinking about death a lot and the idea of ending your life, which seems like an escape when you’re feeling low, anxious and overwhelmed. You also mentioned that sometimes feels like your only option. That sounds so difficult and it’s completely understandable that you feel like you need to talk about it and get the words out. I hope that writing this post has helped to let those feelings out. Is there anything else that sometimes helps when you’re feeling this way?

You mentioned that you are getting lots of support from the people in your life and that there are lots of people trying to help. It’s great to hear that you have support in your life. Who do you usually turn to when you are struggling, and do you feel like you could talk to them today about what’s going on for you?

You talk about seeing a few people for your mental health and that you’re really trying. That’s amazing and it’s so brave that you’ve taken this step. Would you feel comfortable speaking to one of them about how much you are struggling at the moment? Suicide is preventable and suicidal thoughts don’t have to end in suicide – there are always other options to find ways to cope with the difficult things in your life.

It sounds like you have been thinking about potential plans to end your life in the new year and it’s really brave of you to share that with us. I know you have mentioned that you are safe at the moment, but if you are ever feeling like you are unable to keep yourself safe, here are some steps you can take:

• Contact The Mix’s Crisis Messenger 24 hours a day
• Speak to our helpline team, who are there to support you with whatever you’re going through. You can call us call us or webchat with us for free on 0808 808 4994 from 4pm to 11pm Monday to Saturday.
• You can also contact Samaritans and CALM, who specialise in supporting people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts. They both offer email, webchat and phone support.
• Papyrus also offers specialist support for those experiencing suicidal thoughts and offers phone and email support.
• We have an article on what to do if you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts here.
• If you’re thinking about ending your life, call 999 and the emergency services will come and help you.

Let us know how you are getting on and remember that we’re here to listen and support you. Sending you a big hug

Ed_

Just dropping in to echo what Holly's said, we are all here for you @SpaceOtter - it may not feel like it, but you are showing so much strength and courage by continuing to hold on and reach out for help. Do keep sharing with us and the people you trust, sometimes, the feelings can change when we least expect it to.

SpaceOtter

Hi, thank you for your responeses @HollyPearl and @Ed_

Im sorry it took so long to reply. I havent been the best at organising my thoughts lately. And ive been trying not to think about everything i was thinking and feeling when i wrote my orignial post. But I suppose shutting it all out isnt really helping.

I reached out a week before the date i planned to end my life. I reached out to my tutor and since then ive been getting a lot of help and support. But i dont think ive ever felt so disgusted with myself.

Im tired, really tired. I have been for a long time. The idea of their being an end to it all gave me strength to act "normal". Since failing to carry out my plan ive felt incredibly broken and trapped.

Thinking about suicide always felt wrong and icky but it felt like the only way out.

I dont really know what im doing anymore. These past few weeks havent felt real, the world has just been moving around me.

I get very easily overwhelmed. I cant really sit in lectures for too long and if i do i rock or tap the entire time. I meltdown alot too. Which isnt fair to other students or the lecturers.

I often bother my poor tutor with questions or emails. Which feels wrong especialy when i spend his lectures with my head on the desk. I feel so stupid. Ive just been an overdramatic attention seeker. I know my tutor is busy, i know i shouldnt bother him but i do anyway because i trust him. Its very selfish on my part. I know its wrong but talk to him anyway.

Hes always said im not a bother. But i find that hard to believe and the past few weeks hes just seemed so tired and fed up of me. I really dont blame him. All the lecturers have been really kind but i feel like im taking too much. And ive dragged this out too long. I should be better now.

Ive done none of my assignments, lecturers helped me get an extension and support staff have even been sitting with me and working through the work with me. But my brain isnt playing ball, im being so silly .

I dont know why i do the things i do. Im always mentaly screaming at myself to stop. I keep pacing, i cant get myself to sit down at college. I flap my hands constantly. Sometimes the stimming gets harmful. Sometimes i repeat the same word over and over until i start yelling in frustration. Sometimes my brain still thinks about ways to end it, i know how to ignore the thoughts its just tiring.

My GP gave be anti-depressants, to be honest i havent thought much about them. Ive been seeing a mental health assesor person who thinks im autistic and hes also helping me work out what kind of help i need. I have no idea how i feel about any of this.


Im struggling alot with how many people are helping. I know that sounds ridiculous and ungrateful. But i feel overwhelmed.
As well as gp and mental health team,theres a lot of people at college helping. Its a lot of conversations with people i don't know too well, which often results in me burying my head and barely speaking. I feel so rude when that happens.

I like to fade into the background. But im not doing that at the moment. And people know things i didnt tell them. I understand why things have to be shared but it makes me feel uncomfortable. They know the worst version
of me, the truest version sadly. Conversations about how to help me happen without me there because i dont do well in groups, and though its for the best i find it upsetting and frustrating.

There's also a few extracurricular things im going to try to go to. Because theyre good opportunities and ive missed so many this year .But im worried about getting overwhelmed and bothering people. I think they'd rather I don't go. It feels selfish to go knowing i might end up needing people to deal with me. Not going feels like giving up. I hate my damn brain.

This was my biggest fear about reaching out. That id become a parasite who sucks all the goodness out of the people helping. Im dragging people down. I don't feel worth saving. Yet too many people know now, id be failing too many people if i took my own life. Id burden too many people with regret and guilt. So im well and truly trapped.

Im sorry for the long ramble. Its all very stupid, ive just never felt so angry at myself. It all feels like such a mess. I don't feel like me anymore and I don't want to save the person ive become. But its not just about me. So im trying to get better and i know it takes time, I just feel like I have no fight left in me.

Take care.

ebyrne556

Morning @SpaceOtter Just checking in on you to see how you are feeling this morning about everything? Just echoing what the others have already said you are so brave for reaching out to the community and we are here to support you.

Firstly dont be worrying about taking long to reply just reaching out when you feel you need the support is a very brave first step. Its really great that you did reach out to your tutor and are now getting some other support.

I can understand how you must be feeling drained with everything and overwhelmed thats going on but your feelings are 100 percent valid.Im hearing that the lectures can be overwhelming for you causing meltdowns. Have you spoken to your tutor about being allowed rest breaks or the opportunity to be able to leave the room for a short period? Im sure you aren’t bothering him and he will just want you to get the best out of uni so mabye having periods of time out might help to destress. Ive heard theirs fidgets etc that can help people feel less tressed but of course its whatever works best for you. Im glad the lecturers are being kind though and supportive and im glad that you feel that you are able to reach out and get the support from them. I know you feel worried about bothering him but Do you have any other people you can also reach out to?

Please dont feel like you are being silly you’re allowed to feel overwhelmed and you are not alone in feeling like this. Im glad that the support staff are helping you with your assignments. Mabye if you try and plan out how to spread them out and work through with your lecturers and/or support staff they can help you break it up so it’s less overwhelming.

I can hear you saying that you dont feel like yourself anymore and i cant imagine how hard that must be to see such a negative change in yourself. Is there anything in particular you can think of that could help you to feel more yourself?

I understand how you can struggle with other people helping I personally do as well. Even though you know they are trying to help and trying to do the right thing you you still feel bad. Im glad that you are getting some help and support though and you have reached out or allowed people to step in. I think as you dont know the people that well it can be even tricker however hopefully if they are giving you the right help then it can take some of the pressure off.

You have said that you’re seeing a mental health professional who thinks you’re autistic. Have you talked through these feelings of feeling overwhelmed with them?Do you feel as if you can trust them or know them well enough Its good that they are finding out what ways to help best support you but i can understand how it must feel strange and mabye awkward about opening especially if you dont know them that well. Mabye if you are struggling to communicate with them writing it down might make it easier to express yourself or drawing a picture? You could use this not just with the mental heath professional but also mabye the support staff or your peers. Sometime pictures speak louder than words

Im really proud of you for reaching out and asking for help and support. Please make sure to take some time out from the business of everything and do something you enjoy.You have mentioned going to some extracirriculars and i think it’s always important to take some time doing something you enjoy. Im sure the people there will be happy to see you back and wont feel like you are bothering them at all they will want to help and support you.

I hope this helps a bit Take care and you know where we are of course if you need us.

SpaceOtter

Thank you @ebyrne556 for your reply, i really apreciate your kind words. Reading through my rant must have taken a lot of energy. Thank you so much for your advice and kindness.

Have you spoken to your tutor about being allowed rest breaks or the opportunity to be able to leave the room for a short period?

My tutor and lecturers are really understanding. Im allowed to come and go as i please. I just really dislike having to leave. I spend more time pacing in the halls than i do in the classroom nowadays. And i cant sit there without rocking or tapping. I used to be able to cope. I hate that i keep making such a fuss in lectures. It all feels so silly.

Ive heard theirs fidgets etc that can help people feel less tressed but of course its whatever works best for you.

This is a really good idea and i do in fact have some fidget toys. Most of them dont really help me personaly, it just doesnt feel the same as tapping. I like the pressure and the noise, but it just feels so silly and obnoxious.

Do you have any other people you can also reach out to?

Theres a lot of people helping at the moment. So many people to talk to,i find it too much if im honest. I know that sounds ungrateful. I just dont want to let all these people down. Ive been given so much help and support. It really is about me just getting a grip and pulling myself together now. But instead im dragging my feet and wallowing.

I was given extensions for assignments but they still arent close to done. I just stare at the screen, my brain feels so loud and i cant get myself to initiate anything. Ive tried music, timers, planning. Im just lazy. And when i do get started i only last a few minutes befote i find myself needing to rock or tap in a way that means i cant type. Its so silly. Im worried ive taken to long and now ill just be failed. I dont want my poor tutor to have to deal with me for another year. It wouldnt be fair.

Have you talked through these feelings of feeling overwhelmed with them?

I have a little,but i didnt do the best at explaining how frequent and intense they are. Ill try to explain next time i see him. Writing it down is a good idea!


Im not sure how to feel like me. I have to force myself to do things i used to like. It makes me feel like a ghost. But i keep trying in the hopes ill start to enjoy these things again.

Im very mad at myself right now. I dont understand the things im doing. I just want it to stop. Ive made everything so messy.
TW- self harm

I started to self harm again after 2 years. I never mentioned the self harm to anyone who i opened up to about the suicidal thoughts. I thought it would make them worry more and i couldnt risk them telling my parents.

I havent seen the mental health proffesional for a couple weeks. I told him id be ok with the wait between sessions. Everyone is starting to trust me and they say theyre proud of me. So of course i messed it all up.

And i dont know why. Nothing was going through my head when i relapsed. It was like when you suddenly decide to jump back into an old hobby like knitting. It all happened so fast and i knew it wouldnt help. I understand relapses happen but there were no feelings driving it. I knew it wouldnt help and it felt icky but i did it anyway. And i keep doing it.
I forget its me im hurting,it doesnt feel like me. Its escalating at quite a fast rate for me. I know i have to tell someone.

I just cant stomach the shame of them knowing i let them down. And i cant tell the people at college without the fear of them breaking confidentiality. Im just so tired of secrets. Im so tired of all of this

Im sure the people there will be happy to see you back and wont feel like you are bothering them at all they will want to help and support you.

I did go in the end. I didnt realy do anything and i needed a lot of help. I felt lime such a silly nuisance but people were so kind. Too kind.

Im sorry about the self pitying moan

Sending lots of hugs