my mum has new house

ellie2000

she's plzed with it but i get a earful of her yakking away, b4 she went to bed she said ' Im sick of it, why cant it all b nice' the house has issues wen she moved in, is there a cheap builder organisation or company?
wat do i do/say? it makes me sad tht i cant b able to comfort or solution

its not as bad as tht time in the mind zoom group, which made made me feel rough coz it was triggering

ellie2000

is there a word for ppl like to finding problems, is it a condition

AislingDM

That sounds pretty draining for you @ellie2000 Hearing people constantly complain is rather exhausting and can leave you feeling overwhelmed by negativity. I think you're so right that overfocusing on every little bad thing is probably not the best, it might just show that your mum doesn't quite feel comfortable yet in her new home.

In terms of builders, I am sorry to say I know very little, but I did find this website where you can compare prices of builders:

https://www.bark.com/en/gb/in/builders/

In terms of your question about people who focus on finding problems, I am not sure if there is a specific mental health need related to this but there is a word called 'catastrophising' where a person can only focus on the worst part of a situation and magnifies it in their head and worries about how much worse it will get. This article explains more about it:

https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/unhelpful-thinking-styles-cognitive-distortions-in-cbt/

queenferocious

Hi are her complaints directly about you? If they are then tell her like you’re allowed to have your room the way you want it or to stop nagging about little bits of untidiness or to not go on at you for accidentally forgetting to help her with stuff or not knowing what to do. Sorry if I’m not being relevant or in fact helpful but I do hope it all turns out good😊👌

ellie2000

@queenferocious she fretts about stuff n it's really frustrating coz I don't no wat to do. Like @AislingDM sed it's catastrophizing, is it a thing ppl get used to n they autopilot it?

jess63

I think it can be hard for people to not catastrophise sometimes. I think it's important to understand their concerns, but maybe also turn the focus away from the stuff they are worried about and maybe focus on things she likes about the new home.

ellie2000

@jess63 Wen ppl catrAstraphise it triggers bad feelings

ellie2000

@Morgan007 wat r they

queenferocious

If it isn’t really about you you mustn’t worry much but if she’s taking it out on you or making you deal with it tell her to stop n to recognise your boundaries on that

Libby_

ellie2000 wrote: »

@Morgan007 wat r they

I found this on the internet for what a ‘boundary is’

Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. It helps to create a clear guideline/rule/limits of how you would like to be treated. They let others know what is and what is not okay/acceptable. It honors our needs and wants so that we feel respected and safe.

AislingDM

I think everyone makes a great point about the importance of boundaries @ellie2000 , equally I know they are not always easy to set in practice

I reckon people can become used to their way of thinking, I myself certainly fall victim to negative patterns of thought and I wouldn't say it's the healthiest thing in the world. Some people really struggle to see the beauty, good or 'silver linings' in a situation, but that doesn't mean you should bear the brunt of it. Sometimes we have to think about how our thoughts and actions are affecting others. It seems like she's not really thinking about how all of this is making you feel.

What do you think about the idea of setting boundaries?

ellie2000

@AislingDM wats setting boundaries?

AislingDM

Apologies, I should have explained @ellie2000 ! Setting a boundary means thinking about which things in your life are non-negotiable or things you must have.

For example, some people who live at home with parents need their privacy and choose their bedroom to be a space that is pretty much just for them and so when parents don't knock on the door it is really frustrating because this goes against the person's 'boundary' or their desire to have privacy and space on their own. So, the person might try to 'set a boundary' by talking to their parents and saying 'guys I like to have my own space and I'd be really be grateful if you could knock before you come into my room'. The parents can then either respect the boundary by not coming in without knocking or they can ignore the boundary and continue to act as they have before.

In your situation, setting a boundary could be "mum I'm really happy with my room, it makes me feel safe and warm and sometimes when you talk so negatively about the house and my space it upsets me and makes me feel bad, I'd be really grateful if you could try to work on this for me". This may not sound like a good idea to you because you know your mum the best, so whatever works in your relationship is always better. If you'd like anymore help with trying to set a boundary, I'd be happy to help