Going through a breakup after 2 years

Former Member

Hello again everyone,
I posted a discussion a few days ago asking for advice on my relationship as my partner of 2 years was struggling with his feelings (his Asperger's making it difficult for him to understand or recognize his emotions of love). Well I am here to say that we have decided to end our relationship. It feels strange to say it out loud, it hurts a lot. He was the person I had committed my life to, the person I wanted to be with forever. He is unlike any boy I have ever met and I will miss him dearly. There are no hard feelings either side, which I think is making it even harder. I cannot hate him because he has been nothing but good to me, his love just isn't there anymore, which is sad but cannot be forced or ignored. I now need to rebuild my life without him in it, a seemingly impossible task. I am not only grieving the loss of the relationship and the boy that I still love, but also his family who took me in and treated me like a family member, his friends who became my friends but who I will ultimately never see again, the life I had with him. I am not sure how to be on my own anymore. I have so much to look forward to and be happy about (my 21st birthday and my cousins hen party/wedding next year) but life just feels so empty without him. He wants to remain friends and continues to message and check if I am okay and sleeping and eating okay (which I am not) which makes moving on tricky. I want to keep him in my life but I don't see how that is possible after he has broken my heart.
I guess I am looking to rant and to write it all out, it makes more sense written out than in my head, but any advice or kind words would really help. I have found some great comfort in this site so I am hoping that can continue and help me through this time.
Love, Abbie (Ginge20)❤

AislingDM

I am so terribly sorry to hear the pain you are experiencing right now @Ginge20 After spending such a long period of time with someone, it's no wonder that life would become impossible once they are gone. For two years everything in your life fitting in with his in some way, and now having to completely alter that overnight is extremely scary and devastating. I cannot even begin to imagine the kind of loss this makes you feel. As you rightly mention, you're not only having to contend with the loss of the romantic relationship, but also your best friend and his loving and warm family.

I think you make such a great point that sometimes such an amicable breakup can be even harder to process because you're almost left thinking 'why aren't we together again?'. You're working so hard just to keep pushing through each day and when a relationship like this ends, it's no wonder your sleeping and eating habits are going to be absolutely wrecked. It seems like this is affecting every aspect of your day-to-day right now and this must be so emotionally-draining, as well as painful.

I'm really glad to hear that there are things in the near future for you to look forward to and try to focus your energy on, it's so awesome, truly Equally, remember that is more than okay to express the kind of mental anguish you are in on here with us at The Mix. We will support you throughout this in whatever way you need. Even just chatting about it a lot, anything you need, we are here.

Huge huge hugs from me xxxx


P.S., there are some helpful bits of info in here https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/how-to-mend-a-broken-heart-3184.html xx

Former Member

Thank you so much @AislingDM for your help and kind words! It's has really helped.
The weekend was a struggle, we usually spend all of our weekends together so spending it alone was a challenge. But I know it will all be okay eventually. I have found good advice and comfort here at The Mix and I appreciate it so much!
Me and my ex-partner are still on speaking terms and want to remain friends (something I never thought I would be able to do but is going better than I thought).

Thank you for your help again, it means so much to know this community is here 💕xx

Former Member

Hi @Ginge20

I am so pleased to see that you've been able to find some support and reassurance by reaching out at The Mix, we are here with you to work through this together. It's understandable that you found the weekend to be tough. When our routine or habits are changed as a result of a break-up, this can be quite painful. The adjustment period can feel lonely and tiresome, but you're doing a great job of persevering and accessing your support networks when needed, which is fantastic to see. Do you have any plans with family/friends/colleagues to look forward to? You are deserving of having some fun during such a difficult time.

Take care.

Former Member

Hi @el_rose0110
Thank you for responding and being so caring and lovely, I do enjoy being able to open up about things on here. I have a few things to look forward to this year (me and my family are Harry Potter super fans and we are going to the London Studio tour this Saturday) and I also have a few things next year as well.
Thank you again for all the love and support, it means the world ❤

Former Member

@Ginge20

I have just replied to your other post, but have just read through this one and you have mentioned so many words that resonate with me it was almost like listening to myself back then.

I was also 21 when we broke up and had been together for 4 years. I was the one to break up with him, and then after about a month started to really regret it, but he didn't want me back. He then got another girlfriend after 6 months which I really struggled with. I became almost obsessive over my love for him. I harmed my body a lot during that whole period and shut off to everyone. I found it really difficult to continue living my life. It took me about 3 years to get over him I'd say, I worked so hard on piecing my heart back together and trying to open it again. I decided to write a book on how to deal with a broken heart, which one day I will hopefully publish. My journey was very much about self-love and worth. I am in the most loving relationship now, but even still now I get days where I cry over my ex. I wish he was still in my life but know that I couldn't do it. The fact you guys are still friends is amazing, but I do personally think that sometimes you need to have somewhat of a break to establish a new relationship, working on new boundaries etc, especially if you say you still love him.

I always felt people brushed past break ups like they were less significant than other traumas, but like you said, you are grieving. This was a huge word in my life around that time, because you are grieving the loss of someone that one day was in your life, and now is not, and this is essentially what a death is. I also struggled not to see his family, I was messaging his mum for quite a while after because I found it hard to adjust to losing them too. They have been your family for the last 2 years, and that holds so much weight.

I hope me sharing my experience has been okay for you, heartbreak is a subject close to me, so honestly, any support I can give you. Even if you wanted to start a 1-1 chat if you'd like to talk about it more then I'm happy to do that.

Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself

Former Member

Hi @RenP
I am honestly so grateful for you sharing your experience with heartbreak with me, knowing people understand what I am going through is so helpful. You are such a kind and lovely person and I hope I can return the favour and help you one day💖
I am sorry to hear about your past breakup and heartbreak, it truly is a devastating thing to have to go through that is often downplayed a lot. Hearing you have written a book and may publish it one day fills me with so much happiness because I just know it would help so many people. I too like to write as a way to cope with things and I can truly resonate with you on that note. I am glad you are doing much better now after the breakup.
I am also doing better. Navigating a world without your person is tough, and seems impossible at times, but I have the biggest and best support network both on here and at home and I know I will be okay, as will anyone who is going through a similar situation.
Sending hugs and love to you and everyone who is reading these and finding comfort in your kind words. 💖

Former Member

@Ginge20

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad that it has been helpful for you to share my experience, sometimes I'm not too sure how much to say to someone, because often when it comes to heartbreak, I become quite invested in it because it's something I can relate to and I want people to be able to cope with it. So I really appreciate your words, thank you.

Hearing that you like to write as a way to cope with things is amazing! It's such a beneficial outlet. I think people often assume this is just journaling, but any form of pen to paper is a way of release and a way of therapy so it's nice to hear you know that it offers you some peace. What kind of stuff do you like to write?

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better and that you feel you have a big support network on here and at home. At the end of the day, we all need to support one another, and this is a safe space to share all kinds of feelings. One thing I would say, it's okay to feel shit. It's okay to feel great. It's okay if you've been on a good streak and one day you slip up. It's okay to not feel anything. To recognise you are going through something right now, and you may be fragile, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief and no time frame to get over someone. The most important thing is that you be gentle with yourself

The book is still very much in the process, but there is one section I would like to include anonymous interviews, those around me that have experienced heartbreak in their lives, what they did to help themselves, their healing journey, triggers etc, so the people reading can know that truly you are not alone. Yes, your experience is solely individual, but there are people out there that have been through the same thing. So yeah, I just want to tell you again that I'm here for a chat if ever you need.

Take care

AislingDM

Hi @Ginge20 I know it's been a little while since your original post and I wanted to check in and see how things have been going for you? Has time helped to heal or have things been tougher for you?

Hoping for a more peaceful year for you

JustV

Adding to what people have already said, this quote from Marriage Story really helped me work through a breakup I had a long time ago. Thought you might appreciate it:

And I'll never stop loving him, even though it doesn't make sense anymore.

Former Member

Thank you both @AislingDM and @Mike for checking in with me after a while being away.

I am doing better each and every day, meeting challenges and milestones without the person you thought would be there has been rough but so rewarding. I think The Mix has helped a lot in my journey and I couldn't be more grateful.

Happy New Year to you both, may 2023 be a good year

sinead276

Glad to hear your starting to do better @Ginge20 and i hope 2023 is a good year for you too

AislingDM

So lovely to hear how hard you are working @Ginge20 ! I couldn't agree more, each and every step that comes without that person can be simultaneously so gratifying and so gut-wrenching. Almost like your body and mind don't know how to process those two hugely intense and conflicting emotions You are doing amazingly and I am so glad you feel able to come here to The Mix to get the support you deserve.

Huge hugs for you xxx

Former Member

@Ginge20

So happy to hear you feel The Mix has been a helpful source of support for you in your healing journey. To start a new year without someone who once was in your life can be really tough, but also very significant in moving forward.

Sending love and blessings