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Honoring- myself and others
Former Member
Believer in PlutoPosts: 131 The Mix Convert
So hey guys, I've come back with yet another dilemma. I've mulled over this issue for a long while and am still unsure of what to do. So my aforementioned friend, Thomas, has been in a lot of my posts recently known as being my bestfriend. He's 20 and I'm 17. I've known him for about a year and two months. At first I hated him and then we grew to be close friends while we worked together(we still work together). He had a hoe phase and then got a girlfriend which honestly she just seemed boring to me. But through knowing her for a few short months, I've grown to respect her. She still isn't my favorite person as she is incredibly insecure in her relationships, possessive and a little overbearing. But the way she treats Thomas is amazing. When Thomas was on a trip for a few long weeks, we talked everynight, usually falling asleep together on the phone. I knew that his girlfriend, we'll call her Veronica, wasn't a huge fan of me just because Thomas and I were so close. But I continously invited her out to things and they usually went really well. I asked her if she wanted to be apart of my welcome home present for Thomas and so we went and picked out a few things. When he got back I gave him the gift basket and he loved it. Alot of the stuff I'd gotten on my own. But I found out later that she was upset I got him a gift even though she helped me pick it out in the first place. He also told me that we had to establish ground rules. Meaning we aren't supposed to hang out without her in our presence. That really hurt cause he's different when it's just the two of us. I knew over his time on his trip that I had developed a crush. Knowing my past, I tend to overomanticize my friendships because of my insecurites of them leaving, so keeping that into account I didn't think much of it. But I think I do really like him. We hung out yesterday for 6 hours going to get food and then him falling asleep on my lap while watching a show. Then we went upstairs to my room and cuddled watching tiktok. When he had to leave I invited him to go see a movie with my girl bestfriend and her boyfriend, telling him that he could invite Veronica if he wanted to. So we went to the movies and he didn't bring her. He told me that he told her that he was hanging out with "the boys." I didn't question it. He layed his legs on me during the movie and then I asked if I could lay in his seat with him and he welcomed me over into his arms, laying together while watching the movie. I had a really good time and so did he. Earlier he came over and we cuddled watching tiktoks. All that to say, I do like him and I told him about my past feelings not mentioning that they were current, but I think I really like him. There's not really much I can do because he's not a cheater and I don't want to hurt his girlfriend, Veronica. I don't know it's just been really hard recently. Any advice friends?
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Equally, it seems to me that from reflecting on your relationship with him, you've come to realise that these feelings are more than just happy friendship vibes and actually mean a lot more to you. Now, I know everyone feels differently about boundaries within relationships, and there is certainly no linear structure to which behaviours are okay and which aren't, however, the 'rule' or question I always come back to is 'how would I feel if it were me?'. So, in this situation, how Thomas behaves with you, including not telling the truth to Veronica about who he is meeting, is important. If you were Veronica how would this make you feel? Now, I promise I'm not asking this in a preachy 'don't steal Thomas' way. I more mean do you think Thomas still feels the same way about Veronica if he is acting so close with you? People's feelings really do change, and it's possible that Thomas is becoming increasingly close with you and more distant from Veronica.
Now, I know you've mentioned not wanting anyone to be hurt, especially Veronica, which is very compassionate of you, because many people would be happy to hurt the girlfriend in pursuit of what they want, but I know you are not like this. However, it is important to protect your own emotions and mental state too, and ultimately it comes down to whether you feel like you can be totally honest about this to Thomas? And, more importantly, would you be willing to lose him if he does not feel the same way?
I know these are deeply difficult questions to answer, but I'm very happy to talk them through with you a bit more. I know he's a very important person in your life and I want to help you to maintain this relationship not matter what
You brought up several good points and questions. I'm going to try to answer them honestly, but some of them I don't know the answer to. I think that I would be hurt by it intitially "if it was me." But I also tend to sacrifice my own emotions for the others so in the end, I'd still be "happy" in a sense for the other person. Sacrificing my own emotions isn't great and I'm trying to learn not to do that but I still do. Honestly, if I was Veronica, I would spend time trying to get closer to the other girl. I would try to understand the "other girl." And yes if I was Veronica, I would probably be a little jealous but I would also communicate that to my partner and not sanction of interactions that my partner has with their bestfriend. I think Thomas does truly love Veronica, he's incredibly sweet to her and he talks about her alot in that way. I know that I could be honest with Thomas about my feelings, I'm just unsure of how it would affect our friendship and I don't think I'm ready for that. I wouldn't be willing to lose him. I'd rather have him in my life in any small capacity, than not at all. I think I'd have to wait to see if they break up. Which sounds sooo messed up. I think I could eventually get over my feelings and I might just have to do that. I don't know. I just want to be able to have a reason to be around him constantly. He has been very flirtatious but that's just how we are with each other. I'm like that with my other friends, but it never means as much as it does with Thomas.
I appreciate your consistent honesty and openness throughout the discussions regarding Thomas. This seems like a really challenging scenario, it makes sense that you would like support whilst navigating through this time.
Focusing on your most recent post, I see you mention that in Veronica's shoes, you would discuss your concerns with Thomas. Yet, you also state that you don't feel ready to do so yourself (regarding your feelings for him) out of fear of loss. Though maintaining open communication is crucial for healthy relationships, I understand that this can be such a frightening and intimidating prospect when you believe this may alter or damage the bond. Perhaps it would be valuable to reflect upon whether this is something Veronica could be experiencing too.
When considering that you have feelings for Thomas and see him as acting very flirtatiously, it might be helpful to think about whether this feels appropriate given that he is in a committed and exclusive relationship. It is possible that if this continues to progress, it may become increasingly emotionally complex. Perhaps it could be worthwhile discussing and respecting the boundaries of the friendship and relationship which you, Thomas and Veronica feel comfortable with, and also looking into why you feel the need to constantly be with him. His request to not hang out alone may understandably feel painful and hurtful now, but may grant you a healthier friendship in which the lines aren't so blurred.
Friendships with individuals who are engaged in intimate relationships can be healthy, achievable and valuable. However, in order to protect the sanctity of their relationship and in order to ensure that the safety of your friendship with Thomas continues, it's important to have the 'difficult conversations' and work out how this can go on in a way that makes you all supported and content.
Clinging onto the crumbs we can get rather than requesting the whole meal (out of worry all would be lost) can be exhausting, even if the crumbs feel more nourishing than nothing at all. Remember, you are deserving of nourishing and sustainable relationships. I understand how daunting the future of this friendship may feel, we are here for you.
Take care.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I definetly have taken it into heavy consideration. I have come to terms with my feelings for him and told him over the phone a few nights ago. I basically, just told him that I did like him but am leaving my feelings in the past because I value our friendship more than anything else right now and the thought of not being friends with him is truly harrowing. He was greatful for my response. And we are in a better place. At work he's become more distant but I'm not stressing about it. I'm giving him space and haven't pursued him in any way, in hopes that if he values our friendship he'll reach out and show that he cares by initiating conversation. But I also know that if we both have the same thought process then nothing will be achieved. I have counseling today which is good and I'm hoping to be able to express some of my thoughts that don't involve him to my therapist. Again thank you!! Have a great rest of your day.
I definitely think you're right in that connecting with the 'other girl' would be a smart move, because then there is even the potential for friendship, rather than quiet, or even passive-aggressive, fear from Veronica. It's such a tough one as you say because you value your friendship so much but being true to yourself is certainly the right approach in the longer-term. I guess that is where you have to consider how long, feasibly, can you hide these feelings for him, without you getting hurt?
Yep, once again, very important point, boundaries are important and healthy within relationships, but they can devolve into something that is more restrictive than a helpful guideline as it should be. Dictating who can be friends and in what capacity never seems to work for a prolonged period of time, something else always has to shift
I think your point about flirtatiousness only further emphasises how complex this situation really is, trying to keep your feelings at bay (for the sake of maintaining any form of relationship, even a smaller relationship) must be deeply painful when the flirting happens because that can make working out Thomas' feelings even more confusing. You truly are so introspective and insightful, and the fact that you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness for him shows such kindness towards others
Huge hugs either way, you are a wonderful person xx
I just wanted to ask you, how are you feeling now that you have told him, and how do you feel about his reaction? I know you like to write poems, maybe you could write a poem about what happened and where you are at right now?
Take care of yourself
Knowing that I've previously told him about my feelings I didn't really tell y'all how he responded. I think I'm going to overcome these feelings for him as I know they won't amount to anything. I will definitely be writing a poem regarding the issue. Thank you for your continous support.
I am so pleased to see that you were able to reveal your true thoughts to Thomas, this must have taken great strength, courage and bravery. Open communication like this enables you to have authentic relationships. Some people may be lost along the way, or relationships may alter, but by no longer concealing your thoughts and needs, you will be guided to those that can meet them.
I have seen your poem, you captured the essence of unrequited or forbidden love perfectly.
Take care.
Equally, I know it must be so deeply painful to sincerely acknowledge that these feelings are not going to turn into the relationship you want with Thomas
Thank you for continuing to keep us in the loop