TW: Talk of SA in relationships and asexuality etc.

I think I got SAd (MAJOR TW for quite detailed stuff)

This is going to be hard to explain, I don't even know if I'm right or if I'm just imagining it and I really hope I'm just imagining it because I really don't know how I'll be able to process this afterwards, especially since I didn't have anything wrong with my ex until i looked back on our intimate encounters.

So I'm asexual and sex repulsed, I (M19) made that clear to my ex bf (M19) from the get go, I'm also a trans man and was in early hormone transition then, so I made sure to explain that I have a really complicated history with sex and intimacy, and he was understanding on the surface. Then we got drunk and fooled around on several instances. He seemed adamant that I was demi sexual and that he'd made me not a virgin (he didn't really???) I did say I could be but I didn't think so and left it at that. He also made some kinda uncomfortable comments about my body on more than one occasion but he did apologise each time.

As time went on we started to fool around sober and this is when I started to get uncomfortable. When I'm drunk it's kind of like a "fuck it why not" situation for me, even though I am still uncomfortable in the back of my mind. We'd fool around, he'd try and get me off and fail (meds mixed with being asexual but he just mentioned the antidepressants) then he'd get off. Sometimes he made me kiss and hug him while he did when all I wanted to do was sleep.

Eventually I sent him a long message about it (we were long distance) and he sort of just...didn't respond. I was quite vulnerable in the message and he didn't acknowledge it, when I went into the fact I might have some previous trauma related to it. He only mentioned my asexuality and was like "it's fine, I'd never make you do anything if you said no) and i did say yes all the time, which is why I'm doubting the SA idea. I said yes especially enthusiastically when I was drunk and continued with it.

He was open to most kinks and he tried like, the flame thing and marked my back with a lighter. I was uncertain from the beginning, I liked the idea but in practice it was not okay. He was respectful about it afterwards and made sure i was okay but i think back and i wish he'd questioned my uncertainty because I wasn't overly enthusiastic about trying it.

It was like most of our alone time he just wanted to make out all the time or do more and I made it clear to him that that wasn't what I was into, but it carried on because I thought maybe if I try hard enough I might figure out that I'm not asexual or that I do enjoy it but all I feel when I look back is severe discomfort and I wish I'd made it clearer that I didn't want to do anything.

I was on a good road to maintaining my anxiety but ever since we broke up in March and had the chance to reflect, it's been getting worse again and I don't know what to do. I don't hate him, I wasnt even the one to break up with him, he did, under the reasoning that he didn't think I wanted to be with him and mental health reasons amongst others, though at that time I hadn't even questioned breaking up with him in all seriousness. The times I did was because I was dealing with a lot of confusing feelings regarding commitment and it wasn't related to him.

He clarified that if we broke up he didn't think he could remain friends and yet several times he's asked to meet up, as soon as a week after we broke up and it's messing with my head because I don't think I can face seeing him after all the money I spent going to see him and these thoughts coming into play. I've mentioned this to a couple of people now and they've said that it seems a bit disrespectful and toxic and r wordy but at the same time I don't think he was? I just don't know what to think and I don't want to say he did SA me because it's such a serious thing to say someone did and I couldn't bear to be wrong about it for the sake of very real victims that exist.

It's just all very confusing and I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that I'm definitely asexual 😅 if anyone has any advice I'd be super super grateful and I can clarify anything extra you would ask because my brain is in shambles and I can't write everything down properly.

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Comments

Former Member

@IdiosyncraticTrash,
Sweet sweet friend, this is a very tough situation. Thank you for reaching out and being vulnerable that takes massive amounts of courage. As far as the whole situation, I don't believe things are ever truly just black and white. Please know that even if you said yes at the beginning and then wanted to stop or thought in your own thoughts, "I don't like this," or "I don't want to do this anymore," that still can be "qualified" as SA. It's less about legally or what society qualifies as SA, and more so that if you felt afraid, hurt, or seriously uncomfortable during sexual relations with that person; even if it wasn't verbally expressed in the moment to your partner. You said that you expressed your discomfort and anxiety after each relation with your partner and he apologized. A lot of times apologize, so that they can move on and sort of dismiss the issue at hand. From the beginning of y'alls relationship you stated that you were in fact asexual and he didn't honor that.

As far as advice, maybe closure would be good for you. I understand the fear in meeting up with that person again. But if you truly felt these things during sexual relations with him I think it could be good to tell him, to get those thoughts out of the chaos of your own head. Even if you don't see him writing a letter addressed to him and keeping it or burning it is also a good thing to do. I write a letter every year to a situation I need to be from or resent. Maybe you could try it too. In all that I've said, I'm not trying to make him the bad guy or you just a victim. As I said, life isn't just black and white. There are probably positive memories about that relationship that you cherish, causing you to believe that he could never do that to you. But I encourage you to examine your feelings over the course of the relationship.

From my own experience, I used to let people use my body "willingly," because I was insecure about them leaving me and felt that if they got sexual things from me that they wouldn't leave. Even though I would say yes in those situations it came out of a fearful place, this doesn't mean it was explicitly SA, but it definitely wasn't how sex is supposed to be engaged in. I'm not asexual but sex is still a hard thing. It's very vulnerable for me. And through a most recent partner, I've learned that it's okay to say no and that I have every right to. And so do you!

Hope this has been helpful, let me know if you have any questions and if you have any updates I'd be happy to walk alongside you in this journey. Know that you are worth more than just your body. You are a person first and a body second. You deserve to be known for your personality not just the physical aspects of your body. Sending love and encouragement your way..
-Makenna^^

Former Member

@mk1881
Thank you so much, I really appreciate this message, to be honest I just wanted to get all of this off my chest so I'm a little bit uncertain of my next step now as I didn't think so far ahead.
But I really like the way you explained things and writing a letter sounds really good.

Former Member

@IdiosyncraticTrash,
Keep us updated, I'm eager to see how you'll handle it. Don't rush things and if you aren't ready to deal with this then don't. Take your time. I'm glad what I said could be helpful. Sending love and well wishes into your future.

AislingDM

Thank you so very much for being so unimaginably brave, not only in writing this all out for us here on The Mix, but also in speaking to others around you @IdiosyncraticTrash ! That level of vulnerability is certainly no mean feat, so first of all, well done

Now, I definitely get what you mean about feeling deeply confused and uncomfortable, working out a huge complex mess (I say 'mess' with love

) of emotions is already a real challenge. Let alone when it relates to a hugely important person in your life. Plus, add in reflection after a breakup, you're always going to be left with a big pile of self-doubt.

It seems to me like a huge worry for you is 'claiming SA when it's not true'. Firstly, I want to reinforce that SA is not always a violent stranger perpetrator (which I know you know xx), it can certainly be someone you trust who crosses your clearly-set boundaries on numerous occasions.

Secondly, I thought it might be more helpful to do the classic 'what would you say to your friend?' question. All too often, we scrutinise our own behaviours too harshly and do not give ourselves enough room to feel our emotions as truthfully as we should. Whereas, we encourage our friends to be their most real selves, right? So, if you're closest friend spoke about these deeply distressing events to you, would you tell them "that's such a serious thing to say about someone!" or are you reserving those harsh responses for yourself? I think I know the answer, because it seems like you are being really hard on yourself and second-guessing all of your emotions. Now, I am not judging you for this at all, as it is completely understandable, I just want to let you know, to promise you, that no one is entitled to make you feel uncomfortable in this way, not once, not twice, not 50 times, okay?

I know that sounds way easier than it actually is in reality though, and I know you want to be able to answer the overall question of 'what does all this mean? and why am I left feeling so uncomfortable with these memories?' and that's completely okay too!

Personally, my huge takeaways from what you've shared are 1) you made your boundaries extremely clear from the off and I do think that him crossing them is deeply wrong, apologising after the fact does not take away the pain caused and 2) as you've already made very clear, consent is about more than a simple 'yes' or a lack of a 'no'. Respecting and knowing your partner should mean that you want enthusiastic consent, not just every 'session' but for every act that is performed. Plus, he knew that you are asexual and sex-repulsed, hence he should have looked even harder to make sure you were 10000% comfortable each time. You deserved better than what you got, and I am so sorry for that

3) looking for advice about how to navigate your way through this pain is not in any way wrong. I promise you are not taking things away from 'real victims'. Remember that victims/survivors look all kinds of ways and have all kinds of experiences. I will not put this label onto you, because it can be very emotionally overwhelming to apply these words to others, but I want you to know that we are here no matter what you decide on what these events were

On the most fundamental level, I want you to know how grateful I am to have read your thread today, and to see such courage is a gift

You are a brilliant and compassionate person and I hope the love you deserve is being shown to you by your close friends! Huge huge hugs, okay? xxx

AislingDM

just wanted to see how you've been coping recently @IdiosyncraticTrash ?

Former Member

@AislingDM
Hi, I honestly haven't been on here in a good while, I've been pretty busy with college and work. I'm not currently doing too great, though it's not really related to this thread at the moment. I greatly appreciate what you said and for checking in though!

Former Member

Hey @IdiosyncraticTrash, I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing great. You're more than welcome to make a new thread to talk about things if you wish. We're all here to support you.

AislingDM

That is no worries at all @IdiosyncraticTrash

just glad to have you back on here keeping up with us a little bit. Even if your current pain isn't linked to all of this, I'd still be grateful to talk anything out if you're wanting that, no pressure of course. Talk to us in your own time, just know we are here for you always xxx