Me & relationships = a mess

Former Member

I’ve never had an adult relationship, I’ve had “relationships” as a teenager but I wouldn’t consider them proper relationships. I haven’t dated in almost 5 years. I’ve never picked someone because I liked them, they liked me so I made myself like them (or tried to convince myself), I never found them attractive but I was always the one in a mess when it ended. I will be in tears and even suicidal because they’re gone, then a week later - absolutely fine. I cling onto attention and I’m not sure how to stop. I always put it down to insecurity but I think it’s more than that🥴 I kind of fix myself on someone, think about them non stop, claim them as my “person” even though they’re not & when I see other people showing interest in them or maybe posting pics with other people I get anxious, jealous and almost disgusted. So idk whether or not I actually like a person or whether I have just fixated myself onto them, because I don’t think I’ve actually properly liked someone without trying to convince myself I do. Does anyone know what this is and how I can help myself for in future?

Former Member

Hey @mol,
Thanks for reaching out. Know that this is sometimes a normal feeling. As a person in therapy who experiences some of these similar feelings I completely understand. For me personally, I've learned that sometimes it's not so much about the specific person but more about the idea of having a person to call your own and the chase of that person. I get bored in relationships pretty easily unless I really like them. It might be helpful to research people addiction or love addiction. It's not anything you'll find in the DM-5, which is the psychologists book on what basically classifies as a mental illness, but they're terms that are coming up more frequently in psychological circles. The root of those addictions is different for everyone. For me it was simply not wanting to be alone because I feared it. I'd examine why you want a person to call your own and what you're hoping to achieve by having someone. In the future you can still date people I'd just be honest with your unsurety. And just give yourself time to see if you actually like them. If you could see yourself with them long term. I hope this helps. You're not alone in feeling this way. I look forward to hearing back!! Have a great day in the meantime^^

AislingDM

I think your honesty here is really wonderful @mol , you seem to have reflected deeply upon your relationships, as well as how it makes you feel inside, which is certainly no mean feat!

I can see that @mk1881 has offered some really great advice about thinking of where these deep feelings of jealousy and upset (leading to the point of suicide) are coming from. I think it leads to the important question of whether or not you have been able to talk to a mental health professional about how deeply painful these experiences have been for you?

There are definitely a range of mental health needs that can lead to such intense emotions, including EUPD:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

I am not suggesting that this is necessarily what you are experiencing, but reading testimonials from other people who have experienced the same strong feelings as you might be helpful in understanding that you are not alone in your anguish.

Aside from understanding where these intense emotions come from, I think it's important to dedicate some time (as you already are) to figuring out what attraction and love mean to you. I know this probably sounds really obvious, and much more complex than i am making it seem. I just want you to know that you deserve to have clarity on your emotions and to not feel so frustrated and confused. And i am definitely here to talk about that at any time that you'd like