Thinking about future

Siena

In my future I don’t really want a boyfriend or any type of relationship like that and recently I’ve only kinda noticed that cause of my sister telling me I need to get on tinder. I don’t know if that makes me asexual or whatever but I think it’s more purely my anxiety & bpd not wanting to be that close to anyone. But what I do see for my future is really wanting a kid but how is that gunna work with no partner. I’d never be able to adopt because of my mental health problems

fiona333

Hi there Siobhan, thank you for reaching out. I think in this day and age, there are many expectations of individuals being in relationships and hitting certain milestones by a certain point. However, everyone is on their own journey and things happen at different times for everybody when things feel right.

Suffering with mental health can make it seem impossible to do certain things, it can often feel quite debilitating and prevent us from thriving. It can be all consuming and it makes it hard to distinguish our own needs / wants from our illness. With time it may become clearer and you may feel more capable, as things are not permanent and can change.

Again due to social expectations, many people who want to be parents believe they must wait until they find the right partner. If you believe you are able to be a single parent there is no reason not to be, many people do so, although not an easy feat.

AislingDM

It can be such a stressful thing to determine what our sexuality is, especially when we have mental health needs to contend with in allowing ourselves to figure it all out @Siobhan From what you say it certainly could be possible that you are asexual, especially because asexuality is such a spectrum. Equally, I definitely see what you mean about the BPD potentially affecting how comfortable you are to develop a relationship like that with another person, because it would certainly open you up to more vulnerability and the potential for pain is quite a scary thing to accept. These two links were really insightful about other people's experiences with asexuality and BPD (I will say read with caution, and remember that everyone's experience is different):

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/154244-asexuality-and-borderline-personality-disorder/

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a37039862/am-i-asexual/

Also, in terms of having a child, I think that is a wonderful life to aspire to The great thing is now people are viewing children less through a nuclear family lens, and more and more people are beginning to co-parent children with friends, so it could be that you follow a route similar to that if you wished to.