So angry at my family

PenguinSky

So my mum and my brother had a huge fight today. I mean I say fight, more just him yelling and crying bcos he was frustrated about stuff and her taking everything personally instead of STEPPING AWAY AND GIVING HIM SOME DAMN SPACE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD -
I wanted to step in but in situations like this, even when I know what to say I'm terrible at getting the damn words to come out of my mouth. So I just sat there while they both got more and more upset (the peak was something like "I WANT DADDY"/"Do you know how that makes me feel?! I try and try to help you and all I get back is you saying mean things" etc. etc. etc.) and then went to my room and just broke down sobbing. They used to argue like this all the time when he was younger and I thought all that was over, but then suddenly without warning he got upset because of a computer problem and it all exploded.

Was in my room for a bit, listening to loud music with my headphones in. And then mum came up and wouldn't stop trying to get my attention even though I was literally wearing noise-cancelling headphones which should be a clue that I didn't want to talk right now and got upset with me too but quieter (just saying "I'm sorry" and stuff, and I'm sure she wanted me to tell her it's ok, but I couldn't). eventually I managed to get out that I needed some space and she left.

Sorry I know this probably sounds so stupid and petty but I just feel so angry and sad. I feel like we have this imge of a nice comfortable normal family but we can't even handle the slightest bit of conflict. And yes, I blame my parents (and maybe me) more than my brother - he's a child for god's sake, they have decades of life experience on him. And I know me and my brother get really upset over small things sometimes (him more than me these days) but then it feels like mum gets upset with us for getting upset and I just want to scream "yeah it sucks doesn't it? WONDER WHERE WE GOT IT FROM. Maybe we got it from the parent who ALSO GETS UPSET OVER STUFF DAD DOESN'T SEE AS A BIG DEAL, maybe that's where I learned the emotional problems that have left me with anxiety and on medication now, DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT???"

Sorry guys... I thought this would be shorter. Just really needed to get all that out I guess.

QueenAliza

its ok sweetie. I understand and if you want to talk directly I'm here for you also.

PenguinSky

@QueenAliza Thank you

QueenAliza

@PenguinSky of course sweetie!

AislingDM

Honestly, I am right there with you @PenguinSky ! Family dynamics are such a complex thing to understand and can be totally different to what people perceive on the outside. I am a firm believer that just because a family is 'happy' or 'seems normal', in the sense that there is no 'obvious' trauma, this does not mean that things are actually good the way they are. Often this lies with bad communication patterns.

It sounds like this is the kind of stressful situation you are in, with your mum not recognising your guys' emotions or how causing conflict and arguments in the home affects everyone, not just the people directly involved. It's honestly no wonder you wanted to get some space and to channel that frustration into listening to music to get some escape from the stress.

It must be so hard for you, as you get older, seeing your parents' approaches to arguments as deeply flawed, especially when they are talking to a child who cannot be held to the same standard as them. I'm sure this sounds like a silly question, but have you ever tried to talk to your mum about how her communication style makes you feel? (no pressure on that one because I know when starting these conversations you are often met with defensiveness) xxx

RenP

Hey @PenguinSky

Thank you for sharing. Family dynamics can be so hard to navigate when we are all different. Your way of dealing with that situation was to take yourself out of it, put on some music, which is literally how I deal with things too, but your mum's reaction was to follow you which is almost ignoring your wishes. The fact that in the end, you managed to tell her you needed space, and then she left, shows that communicating our truths are so important because after you did this, she respected your wish.

I understand your frustration because it seems slightly hypocritical, for her to get upset over small things but when you get upset she gets upset. You feeling like you and your brother are the way you are because of her, you feeling she has left you with emotional problems. It's unfair. Does she know you have anxiety and are on medication? It's got to be really hard feeling like you aren't being heard. It sounds like communication is key here really. Do you think maybe you could write a letter to her? I do find that letters are a good way of expressing how we feel because you can say exactly what you want to say without an initial reaction, and then when it comes to her reading it, she will actually have time to process everything you have said. Then she can reply and get out everything she wants to say without necessarily getting worked up/being able to sit with her emotions before she reacts to you. How do you feel about that idea?

You've said the word 'normal' family, what is a normal family to you? Like AislingDM said, things aren't always what we perceive them to be and we are all navigating our way through family life in whatever aspect that is. It's not stupid or petty, different things affect people in different ways so don't take that away from yourself. You don't need to apologise for venting.

Take care

sinead276

Just wanted to echo what AislingDM and RenP have said, and I hope things are a bit better now it has been a couple of days. Remember you can always come on here to discuss how you are feeling, no matter how big or small the post is - we are here to listen to you and offer support however we can.

Sending hugs
Sinead