I need some advice please?

Waffler

Just as a heads up, I'll be mentioning the theme of suicide.

This post is not about me at all. I have recently became better friends with somebody that I work with. I always noticed how they'd been making 'kms' jokes and stuff like that. So, like it's never something to really take as a joke even if they say it's only as a joke right?

But anyways we kind of started to make a fairly solid friendship. Like things were good. We were talking outside of work almost every day it felt like last month. Spoke on call too a fair bit.

Then like I remember one day at work towards the end of August I could see they weren't having the greatest of days. Like I knew something was up and they'd even said like about an argument with a family member. So, I made sure to text them and then later on call them when I got home. Which I did.

We spoke for a while and they were brave enough to talk about suicide with me. OK maybe it wasn't recent or anything. Like no mention of having been particularly in a struggle recently. But they spoke so honestly about a scary subject for them and I was proud ofc. But obviously at the time hearing and understanding that how they couldn't say they hadn't actually attempted shit before was tough to hear ofc. Realising previously they have tried and they also talked about how they don't plan on being here past a certain age was something too. In that moment I kind of froze like I couldn't think straight or properly let's say. I mean like I was being supportive and everything ofc and focusing on trying to say the important things and not the wrong things. I hope I did a good job in that moment. I know I was being myself and didn't like make them feel bad for it. I told them that I'd be there for them. The conversation kind of ended by them saying how we'd never be talking about this ever again. And I was kind of just like OK but said supportivevly how I would be there for them as a reminder.

Obviously that night I was a bit sad or concerned. More so worried that I'll get shut off because I know what they could be like. I tried to write a note to send them the very next day but I never wrote anything proper enough that I felt would've been the best things to hear. So, I never sent that one because I thought it was rubbish. Plus it was playing on my mind that they told me not to bring it up again.

Anyways, after a few weeks with a clearer mind I wrote another note about that conversation we had that night and it was much better. They hadnt been at work for a few weeks after taking some holidays and also they'd been busy so like we hadn't been speaking much at all. Not even any calls anymore which I miss I'll admit. But I sent this note to them like 2 weeks ago and at first I know they opened the message but never replied anything back. The next day because I was concerned that I was wrong to spring this up on them all of a sudden I asked if I had said the wrong thing or if I shouldn't have sent it. They said they just didn't have the time with being busy with studies and stuff and that they're grateful and will try read it soon. Obviously that's fine and like understandable so I just said like I hope they have a good week or whatever.

Problem is that it has been 2 weeks and we haven't spoken much at all still. No reply on that text and at work we don't seem to be that communicative at all. Now I just feel like i don't know what I should do?

Should I just hope they read what I wrote in that note and hope that if the time comes and they need to talk to me for support in any way ever that they just do? Like I don't get how I'm supposed to help and I just want to be there so badly because I care about them so much.

But being left kind of in the unknown is kind of tough because if I don't hear from them by the end of the month I don't know what I'm supposed to message them. I don't want to just have a normal conversation like the last thing I sent was never actually acknowledged you know.

Any advice anyone? Somebody give me a pointer on how to be there for my friend please. I just want them to understand I'm there. I know how they're okay with cutting people off and I don't want them to cut me off because of this subject. I told them everything I could think of in that note and honestly it was from my heart and I hoped it could get through to them. But I don't even know if they've looked at it.

When they told me how I'm like the only person they've actually spoken to about this, it really is something. That shows they have the trust in me and felt comfortable enough which I'm glad. That shows I must be somewhat close friend to them right. Otherwise they wouldn't share this if they didn't feel like it. It's something people hide a lot from everyone you know. I feel like now that I know this like I'll do my best to continue being a friend in a normal way ofc. Like I told them it wouldn't change anything. I'd still like them the same. Sure maybe it makes me want to care for them more but that's the kind of friend I was anyway. Me being kind is probably what got them to open up in the beginning.

How am I just supposed to leave them to it after opening up on such a tough subject. I'm not going to leave them to go through winter depression alone am I?????

Sorry, I hope somebody understands why I'm asking for support on this. I just want my friend to see that I love them so much and that they don't need to shut off from me you know

Maisy

Hey there,

It sounds like you are doing all you can for your friend which is very commendable! It’s very thoughtful of you to take ‘jokes’ seriously as you are right that even ‘jokes’ are to be taken seriously too.

Opening up about struggles, especially if it is as serious as feeling suicidal, can be really scary. Some people might open up about these things and then distance themselves as they may feel embarrassed about having been ‘vulnerable’ with another person. They may worry that how the other person sees them and treats them may change and how this in turn may make them feel worse. In some ways, it may seem easier to open up to someone and then distance themselves from that person as a way of distancing themselves from reminders of being vulnerable.

Of course, when someone opens up about feeling suicidal, it can put a lot of pressure on you. It is very difficult in the moment to know how to respond to things and it’s natural that you may worry about saying the right thing (or not saying the wrong things). But it sounds like you were able to support your friend as much as you could, which is all anyone could ask for really.

It’s also understandable that after hearing something so upsetting, that it would play on your mind too and more so if they said they don’t want to talk about it again. In a way, it does put you in a slightly unfair position. But I think it was very thoughtful of you to have sent a note to them about the conversation you had. For whatever reason, they either haven’t read it or have read it but haven’t responded. It may be that they feel awkward and not know how to respond just as much as you now don’t know how to go about talking to them either. This seems like a really tricky situation to navigate, especially since you can’t force your friend to respond or to let you know what’s going on.

It may be that hoping they read your note and reach out again when they feel comfortable or feel they could do with some support might be the way to go. You could also wait a little while and mention that you feel you are more distant these days and that you would like to talk again like how you used to (while understanding that they may be busy so might not have the time). Otherwise, you could try to carry on as normal and then maybe some time in the future ask if they ever got around to reading that note and if they want to talk about it.

Your friend confiding in you does suggest that you are close friends, especially if they haven’t told anyone else about their struggles. And it’s good that you want to look out for them as well as carry on being friends with them as you normally would. It’s difficult to give advice on how you should continue because this depends on your friend and unfortunately, we can’t control others actions. But you being there, writing that note, offering to continue to be there for them and treating them as a normal friend are all indicators that you are doing all that you can to help your friend. Don’t forget that you may need support while you are supporting your friend too

Waffler

Hi Maisy,

First of all can I just start with a big thank you! Honestly I appreciate you so much for taking the time to read what I wrote and then to go on and respond with quite a thorough post. That's so amazing of you! ❤️

I'm thankful that you gave me your point of you and perspective. Everything you said was very helpful for sure. You're right about the vulnerability thing. They have said that they don't like to show a vulnerable side. Understandably so. Maybe because like you said it can be embarrassing and may make them feel exposed to getting hurt or something. It makes sense that the reason they might distance themselves is to avoid being reminded about that vulnerability.

Yeah ofc it's hard for anyone in both sides of the situation. Obviously for them it's extremely difficult to be having these thoughts etc. For me, it does kind of feel like tough because I know it's not so much up to me. Ofc me offering support and being there for them can definitely be super helpful. But at the end of the day it depends on them and it is up to them on getting better in a sense. So, knowing you can't control things or have on outcome on someone you love and very important to you is a challenge. I'm just gonna try my best though because they need to see someone cares so much. I'm not letting them push me away so easily.

In terms of the note, I guess I've done the initial bit in sending it to them. That way if they haven't read it, then when the time comes at least they will be able to see I care so much. If they have read it then I'm sure it meant a lot to them even if they haven't responded yet or don't know how to further continue to talk to me about the subject. I think asking about it in the future is a great idea as it gives them a bit of space and allows us to continue our friendship on as we were in a way before trying to make the effort to show them I care so much to be supportive and they don't have to feel vulnerable around me. I do definitely miss talking to them like we used to but now with college starting up they are much more busy which is understandable. Thank you ever so much for the suggestions on how I could perhaps go about this situation.

Once again, I'm just very grateful that I could share this with someone because its something really important to me and it felt like I had nowhere else to talk about this. I forever appreciate this reply

Thank you Maisy, i hope you are well!

QueenAliza

Have you tried meditation by chance?