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Self-harming, flashbacks, scenarios and inner dialogue

Creativeboy23Creativeboy23 Posts: 178 Helping Hand
edited September 2022 in Health & Wellbeing
Hello all.

I woke up halfway through the early of hours of the morning having flashbacks. My dad judged me for not sharing my feelings with him when he put me in this position because he has shouted and said hurtful comments whenever I have been upset in my childhood and recently. So, I was resenting that he managed to play the victim. He said he done nothing wrong, when he has said hurtful comments, one of them being "no one will want to go out with someone who is sensitive".

I was inner dialoguing about past negative experiences. I was saying that I have received harmful messages of brushing off my emotions and remembering when my mentor done so. I was also talking about having to force a happy face by looking at the TV without making eye contact with my dad because of the past experiences with my dad.

Scenarios popped up in my head based on negative memories. I was thinking about getting revenge on a youth club member for shouting when I did not realise I had another go to pot in pool and my family were encouraging me not to. I was fighting with and swearing at him. My mentor at university was telling me to ignore a memory of a past negative experience and I was shouting at him, saying that I cannot let negative comments fly over my head. He said I have no control over people being overly competitive during games, making me feel emotionally vulnerable and that he was brushing off the negative experience as trivial. My initial mentor in an online meeting over at university was bringing up his own experience of over competitiveness in games and a study skills tutor was showing an uninterested face, also brushing off my negative experience as trivial. I realised I was not under but sleeping on top of one of my new sheets, triggering a scenario about my dad being angry with me, thinking I am stupid, without acknowledging that I am getting used to layer order of my bedding as that was not what I was used to with my previous bedding. In addition, he made a comment about what my future partner would think of me for this, making me think that I will be alone. I recall saying to my mum that I was feeling suicidal.

These flashbacks, scenarios and inner dialogues interrupted my sleep further, making me not get enough.

I said I will try to use my relaxation techniques from therapy when these thoughts and scenarios pop up, in a conversation with a mental helpline worker. However, I have been failing to do that, which has been making me feel I have not been helping myself enough.

Finally, I was having a thought about self harming and coming out to my parents and university class as a victim.





Post edited by Creativeboy23 on
sinead276

Comments

  • Laura_tigger82Laura_tigger82 Moderator Posts: 5,066 Part of The Furniture
    Hello @Creativeboy23. You have been brave in acknowledging how you have been feeling and what you have been experiencing and sharing it with us which is really positive.

    No one has the right to do or say anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I can hear some of the things your dad has said have contributed to how you are currently feeling.

    What, if anything, do you think might help make this feel more manageable for you? We are here for you if you would like to share more with us :)
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    Creativeboy23
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 955 Part of The Mix Family
    I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear you are going though this at the moment. The way you are feeling is completely valid and understandable. No-one, especially parents, should be making you feel this way about your life. The comments you seem to suggests he made are unacceptable really and not true at all. People in this world do/will value you as a person and they will love you.

    I know you said you feel bad about not using the relaxation techniques that have been suggested. Perhaps the best way might be to start small and use them when you can and build your way up until it becomes a habit to use them when in a negative mind-space. It is also important to recognise that different people will work differently to various techniques, it is all about finding one that works for you. So like Laura said, try and have a think about what you think you could do to make the situation more manageable and try giving it a go.

    Just remember we are here to listen to you if you need to talk about this anymore or if similar happens again in the future, so please reach out to us on a board or something.

    Sending lots of hugs to you
    Sinead :3
    Creativeboy23
  • Creativeboy23Creativeboy23 Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    edited September 2022
    Hello @Laura_tigger82.

    I agree. I think just trying to use the relaxation techniques from therapy may help my feelings be more manageable.

    Thank you for your support.
  • Creativeboy23Creativeboy23 Posts: 178 Helping Hand
    edited September 2022
    Hello @sinead276.

    I could not agree with you more. Those that would not want to be with me because I am sensitive would not be suitable partners, as a true partner would accept me for who I am. That is what I will do.

    Thank you for your support.

    Lots of hugs to you too. 😊
    sinead276
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