I just wanted to be friends. Now I'm stuck.

Former Member

I went on a date with a guy about a month ago. I decided I wanted to be friends but he would not accept it and called me a coward. He didnt believe I didn't like him enough. I decided to give him a chance because apart from that he is good to me and I've been treated bad in the past. Hes not too bad in bed and is nice looking.

Unfortunately I don't think I have any feelings for him a month later....When he stays over I can't wait for him to go.
I'm also quite embarrassed about his old fashion sense. He only wears clothes that look like they're from the 80s with weird big boots.... Its only me that notices other people staring and sometimes sniggering. I look out for neighbours to makesure no one's outside when he goes. 🥺😔 I sound horrible but I'm kind of worried about what he'll say if I try to end it again even though it's not my problem. I don't want to lose him as a friend though.

Former Member

He also says that I'm smart for staying with him.
So that makes me not smart if I don't want to be with him?

Maisy

Hey there,

It's always awkward when one person has feelings and the other doesn't. However, this relationship doesn't sound particularly healthy.

The first red flag is that he couldn't accept that you didn't want to date him and called you a coward. Relationships are voluntary- you don't have to date someone if you don't want to. Of course, it's never fun getting rejected, and he was bound to be upset that you wanted to say friends rather than date. But calling you a coward, which then made you question your decision, was not the way to handle things. The respectable thing would've been to respect your decision to be friends and perhaps take some time away to deal with his own emotions.

Even though he is good looking, good in bed and has otherwise treated you well (in comparison to how others have treated you), you don't have to stay in a relationship with him, especially if you feel you don't have any feelings towards him.

It's up to him how he dresses. Maybe he likes that style and either doesn't notice or doesn't care to notice other people's reactions. But just like how he is allowed to live his life as he pleases, so are you allowed to live your life the way you want to.

You aren't horrible for being worried about what he will say if you try to end things with him. That's understandable. You can let him know that you don't have romantic feelings for him but would be happy to stay as friends. But you should also keep in mind that he may struggle with this and may feel that if he can't be in a relationship with you, then friendship would be difficult as it will remind him of his unrequited feelings.

Regarding him saying you are smart for staying with him...perhaps he is insecure about being good enough and is trying to reassure himself that you are right for staying with him. But it doesn't mean that you aren't smart if you don't stay with him. It just means he was likely trying to make himself feel better and prevent you from leaving him. But it's your choice, not his, to make!

Keep us posted

Former Member

@Stars2 I agree with everything that @Maisy has said above! I think it’s important to remember that the good doesn’t negate the bad.

Communication is always key, but can be frustrating when you feel as if you are not being heard or understood

We are always here if you need us, let us know how things go, wish you the best! 💜

Former Member

Hey @Stars2

Thank you for sharing. Firstly, when you have decided you no longer want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone, you should be able to leave. No-one should pressure you into staying with them, because that's not going to be a healthy relationship. He has every right to be upset and express his emotions but to call you a coward isn't the best way to go around it.

In terms of his dress sense, it's totally fine for him to dress the way he wants to, and no-one should judge that because you wouldn't want people judging you for your dress sense. Each person is individual and should be able to express that freely and openly in whatever way makes us love ourselves and feel confident. That doesn't mean you have to like it, or want to be with someone that dresses that way, and that's totally fine too.

Him saying that you are smart for staying with him, sounds slightly narcissistic but I'm not sure if I'm taking that in the wrong way. How did you interpret him saying this? And how did it make you feel when he said this?

It's important to be honest and communicate, and not feel pressured into anything you don't want to be doing. You've given it a month to work out if you have romantic feelings for him, there must have been a part of you that wanted to try - like you said, you've given him a chance. It's okay to just want to be friends.

If you say that you have been treated badly in the past, and he is good to you, then he deserves your honesty. You can't really go wrong if you are honest, because the other option is to continue on and in turn you both could get really hurt.

Take care