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Friend has been trying to get with ex

TiredSquirrelTiredSquirrel Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
So I found out the other week my friend has been trying to get with my ex of a few years. They aren't a super close friend but close enough for it to matter to me.

They don't seem to care that they have been doing this and my ex obviously doesn't care as they have been intimate on some occasions.

Is it right I feel sort of angry and dissapointed despite being in a new happy relationship of a year or two?


  • OwlOwl Posts: 109 The Mix Convert
    you can't help how you feel, so your feelings are always okay! any consenting single person can get with any other reciprocating consenting single person they want of course, but that still makes your feelings no less valid!

    remember to take care of yourself, maybe speak to your current partner about how you feel and do things together to distract from it?

    it's a hard situation regardless, sending hugs and love and stuff <3
  • kaiikaii Posts: 376 Listening Ear
    Hey @TiredSquirrel, thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry that this has happened.

    Your feelings of anger and disappointment are completely valid. It can be hard to see your friend trying to get with your ex. Would you like to tell us more about why you think this bothers you? It can help to understand why you're feeling angry and disappointed so that you could do things that could help you feel better :smile:

    @Owl has given some great suggestions ^^ talking to your current partner can help - though I understand that it can be daunting since you don't know what they will say or how they will react. Distractions could help as well, do you have any hobbies that you like doing?

    Hoping everything gets better for you <3
    cinnamoroll supremacy : )
  • enorth1enorth1 Posts: 68 Boards Initiate
    Hey @TiredSquirrel, love the name by the way!

    I don't want to pile in here too much, but I absolutely agree with these responses, emotions are so natural, and they can wash over us like waves, sometimes surprising us - in my experience anyway. It sounds to me like you're feeling hurt at your friend and ex being dismissive about the situation, does that sound about right? Only share whatever you feel comfortable with of course.

    I like the suggestion of speaking things out, but if that feels too daunting sometimes I find it can help to write down my thoughts in something like a journal. I find just getting them out of my head helps them feel more manageable. Just a suggestion! We are all here for you <3
  • AislingDMAislingDM Moderator Posts: 1,666 Extreme Poster
    I reckon it makes a lot of sense to feel hurt and betrayed in this situation @TiredSquirrel because when relationships end it's not as though we completely sever all emotional ties. Being left with this residual pain is understandable, especially when it's flared up by your ex potentially coming back into your life in some form or another. :(

    Maybe it's important to consider whether you feel more hurt by the friend's betrayal or the notion that your ex is moving on with someone else? (it could of course be a huge combination of the two).

    Regardless, I think it's understandable to feel uncomfortable about your ex moving on even though you are sincerely happy in your relationship, because there tends to be a lingering feeling after a relationship ends that we don't want our ex to move on even when we have.

    I also just wanted to suggest talking to a friend who knows both or one of the people involved, especially as they might have some insight that could be useful? xxx
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  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    Hey @TiredSquirrel

    Thank you for sharing with us. I want to offer my support because the same thing happened to me, and I also have a new partner so I feel that I can relate to you.

    It's very hard to get used to, because it does feel like a betrayal of trust and boundaries. Like Owl said, if they are both two single consenting individuals and they want to follow their feelings then ultimately, they can. But you still have every right to feel the way you do and it's important to allow yourself to feel it. I live with my best friend, so seeing them in my safe space is hard, and sometimes I avoid going back to my home because of it. Ultimately, I want her to be happy and treated well, so I try to push past these feelings which can leave me quite bitter. We have honest conversations about it which is very healing for me. Do you think you could communicate your feelings to your friend? Or if you feel you cant vocalise, could you write them a letter?

    It's not as black and white as us getting a new partner and cutting all emotional ties with what we once had. I'm deeply in love with my new partner but still have an attachment to both of my ex partners. You were with them for a reason, and someone that was once a significant part of your life will continue to stay with you and that's okay. We also learn lessons with every relationship we have so its natural to feel angry if your partner is acting now, how you wanted them to act with you. Just like any traumatic event we go through, we are also a product of all the relationships we have, romantic or not, and you are who you are because of them.

    There is so much more I could say on this topic but feel my post would be too long! :)

    How about doing a mind map of each emotion, with the emotion in the middle, let's say 'anger', and then write around it all of the things you feel angry about, what the anger feels like etc, and do that for every emotion as they come up. This can help you to gain perspective on the situation.

    Practise self love because really, YOU are all you need in life and you are amazing <3
  • Ginge20Ginge20 Posts: 24 Boards Initiate
    Hi @TiredSquirrel, I know I am late replying but this is my first time here, I was referred by my college tutor. I clicked on your post because I instantly knew how you was feeling as the same thing has happened to me too. My best friend of 10 years slept with my ex boyfriend (long term). She knew how heart-broken I was about the breakup but she did it anyway, it felt like my heart just broke all over again.

    It is completely valid to feel how you are feeling, this happened to me 3 years ago and I am still not over it. I have been with my current boyfriend 2 years now as well but that doesn't change how I feel. Felling angry is normal and talking to someone about it will definitely help! I think everybody else's advice is great!

    Sending hugs and love <3

  • TiredSquirrelTiredSquirrel Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    Hi everyone. Only just seen all your replies. Thank you very much for responding to my message! I appreciate it :)
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