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Mum treats me like a maid? Is this normal?
Former Member
Posts: 4 Newbie
Keeping it brief, I spend most of my day doing chores eg dishwasher and laundry multiple times a day and cleaning multiple times. I personally don’t see that our house is unclean at all however she does. She doesn’t seem to appreciate it and wanted me to quit my part time summer job to help her more around the house. I have decided to do so because don’t think I’ll have time to do both. I also provide her hours of emotional support and sit with her as a counsellor, as well as basically having to follow her around and ask her if she needs anything. When I didn’t do it and keep asking her, she got very angry at me. She does nothing, not even small things like turning off the washing machine. She also makes me do all her personal shopping for her. This is slightly unrelated but she also has told me that I need to keep telling her how much I appreciate her for her emotional benefit.
My brother spends so much of his time helping my mum start her ‘business’- she has been out of work from since I can remember and lacks the motivation to stick to any plan. She gets annoyed when we don’t help her plan out her strategy (so essentially when we don’t do her work for her).
The worst part of it all is that she is very emotionally manipulative and so we cannot say anything to her. She has a long term lung disease and she generally uses this as an excuse to not do anything even though the professionals have said she should be fine to and its generally ok if not a big flare up. If it’s not that, she will find something such as a headache. She says that we need to look after her because of all she has done for us, and I don’t dare not do everything in case she yells at me. I hate arguing with her because its so emotionally manipulative and very personal so I try to avoid it completely. The problem is, my mum is often very easy to get along with and nice but then she flips in an instant. She is going through menopause but still feel this isn’t normal and it’s making me and my family miserable.
Id like some advice if possible because I’m wondering if this will ever end unless I confront her? Im a student so do get time away during term time but holidays are long and my younger brother is still at home.
My brother spends so much of his time helping my mum start her ‘business’- she has been out of work from since I can remember and lacks the motivation to stick to any plan. She gets annoyed when we don’t help her plan out her strategy (so essentially when we don’t do her work for her).
The worst part of it all is that she is very emotionally manipulative and so we cannot say anything to her. She has a long term lung disease and she generally uses this as an excuse to not do anything even though the professionals have said she should be fine to and its generally ok if not a big flare up. If it’s not that, she will find something such as a headache. She says that we need to look after her because of all she has done for us, and I don’t dare not do everything in case she yells at me. I hate arguing with her because its so emotionally manipulative and very personal so I try to avoid it completely. The problem is, my mum is often very easy to get along with and nice but then she flips in an instant. She is going through menopause but still feel this isn’t normal and it’s making me and my family miserable.
Id like some advice if possible because I’m wondering if this will ever end unless I confront her? Im a student so do get time away during term time but holidays are long and my younger brother is still at home.
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I've known people who are like how your mum sounds, and how difficult having conversations with them can be - but the only way forward can be honesty. If you have any boundaries you need to set, you could tell your mum by text or with a note instead of doing it in person. You have no responsiblity to help your mum with her business, for example. Living in your mums house when you're not at uni, it's of course only right you do a fair share of the work, however it sounds like you're going way way WAYYYY above and beyond what anyone should be expected to do!!
I hope talking about your situation with your mum has helped you to make sense of things, perhaps you could make a message or a note to your mum with what you've written here? E.g. that you feel like you do too much housework, you shouldn't have had to quit your job to find time for housework especially with the cost of living crisis, you find the constant emotional support exhausting, etc.
Although you can't make your mum seek help and it's her responsibility to find it if she needs it: with being reliant on constant emotional support and displays of appreciation, being a patient with a chronic condition, having mood swings, manipulative behaviour - it sounds as though your mum could benefit from talking to a medical professional about therapy or medication for her mental health. Perhaps it could help her, and everyone around her would feel the benefits too. Having been someone with very bad mental health, I wish I'd got help sooner because I pushed a lot of the people who cared for me away.
Your mum says she deserves you and your brother's care because of all she has done for you - but a parent raises their children and makes the sacrifices that come with parenthood not because they want their children to accrue a debt that must be repaid, but because they love their children. Children have no responsibilities to their parents the way a parent does to their children - it sounds harsh, but it's the truth. It's "nice" I suppose to look after your parents (and a parent being respectful of their children and not treating them as a maid 1st and a loved one 2nd definitely helps!!).
If talking goes nowhere, it'll be really sad for you and your brother but it might be time to start thinking about whether you'd prefer to spend holidays at or away from your mum's? But that's a bridge to cross when you get to it!
This is such a tough situation to be in and you've done so well talking about and with getting as far as you've come too!!
I'm sure it's made all the more confusing when you have really nice and happy interactions with your mum because then it almost makes you feel unjustified in your frustrations and anger. Having to navigate this sort of complex relationship is only made harder as she is your mother and that kind of relationship is often nuanced and when it involves other members of the house, like your brother it worsens the intensity of that environment.
I suppose one of the most challenging aspects of this is that you cannot really broach this topic with her because you will be met with vitriol and manipulation, which not only makes you feel less confident in the sincerity of your emotions, but also doesn't allow for open and honest communication. I want you to know that you certainly deserve respect and that you are entitled to a home life that does not cause so much distress and leave you feeling miserable.
I know you are just looking for some peace from all this, and I am hoping this article might be of some use in terms of responding, even if not now as your brother is still at home, but in the future. Sometimes future planning can make coping with the present a tad easier:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/family-manipulation#:~:text=A good first step is,statements to avoid sounding confrontational.