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I feel like I've been taught that being shy is a bad thing throughout my life

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 375 Listening Ear
in Health & Wellbeing
I don't know whether that was intentionally or not. I don't care. No wonder why I fucking hated myself.
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 125 The Mix Convert
    Hey @spoon

    It's understandable why you feel like this, as a fellow shy person I've also been told to be more outgoing/confident/louder throughout my life. The thing is people are shy for a number of reasons, and if it's part of your personality, it's hard to flick a switch and be someone else. And why should you! Your personality is what makes you unique and wonderful, and people should respect that and love you for it. Please never feel like you need to change for other people! x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @spoon I can massively relate. I’ve been learning about introversion recently (not the same as being shy, but is where some of my own ‘shyness’ comes from) and have found some relief that there’s lots of us that feel this way… although we’re always taught it’s a bad thing to be quiet / reflective! Throughout school, and depending on what job, can creep into work conversations too.

    Has something brought you to this conclusion recently? Do you see it as a bad thing yourself? Very curious to continue this convo 😊
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 375 Listening Ear
    Lucy307 wrote: »
    Hey @spoon I can massively relate. I’ve been learning about introversion recently (not the same as being shy, but is where some of my own ‘shyness’ comes from) and have found some relief that there’s lots of us that feel this way… although we’re always taught it’s a bad thing to be quiet / reflective! Throughout school, and depending on what job, can creep into work conversations too.

    Has something brought you to this conclusion recently? Do you see it as a bad thing yourself? Very curious to continue this convo 😊

    Had that conclusion a long time ago, just had a bit of an off morning and was frustrated but I’m okay. I don’t see shyness as a bad thing, never actually saw it as a bad thing for other people but I did for myself. But I guess the way we think about ourselves is so different when you look at aspects of ourselves through other people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Totally agree with you there @spoon it's always so difficult to treat yourself with the same kindness you give other people, I think it's really important to recognise and maybe try to change the way you look at yourself if you can. :)

    It sounds like you're struggling a bit with your self-esteem and that's totally understandable, I think everybody struggles with that from time to time. Are there any things you really like about yourself? Sometimes it can be helpful to focus more on those positive things than just getting caught up in the negatives. Hopefully you'll keep us all updated with how you're doing and are able to keep in mind all the support others have shown you here on the boards. <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 375 Listening Ear
    Riley wrote: »
    Totally agree with you there @spoon it's always so difficult to treat yourself with the same kindness you give other people, I think it's really important to recognise and maybe try to change the way you look at yourself if you can. :)

    It sounds like you're struggling a bit with your self-esteem and that's totally understandable, I think everybody struggles with that from time to time. Are there any things you really like about yourself? Sometimes it can be helpful to focus more on those positive things than just getting caught up in the negatives. Hopefully you'll keep us all updated with how you're doing and are able to keep in mind all the support others have shown you here on the boards. <3

    thanks riley ((:

    sometimes i think "im actually alright" and sometimes i dont, i dont like thinking good about myself much tbh. makes me feel vain tho i know thats not the case. i like to think im a decent friend
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    spoon wrote: »
    But I guess the way we think about ourselves is so different when you look at aspects of ourselves through other people.

    Couldn’t agree more- the lens that we view ourselves through is very different to the one we use for other people! More dark and messy I feel
  • MaisyMaisy Deactivated Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    I can relate!

    I have always been quiet and I've had lots of people (in school, teachers etc) ask why I'm quiet and try to tell me I need to get out of my shell. I nearly lost an opportunity in school as a prefect because they thought I was too quiet! However, they didn't realise that I had done everything they had asked me to, despite me being quiet and even did things that others skipped out on! This affected me really badly as I already had low self-esteem so the thought of losing this opportunity made me scared about what things would be like in real life e.g. now when I'm searching for work. But this is where it gets interesting. I've been volunteering in a charity shop for a while and some of the other volunteers appear to be quite confident and extraverted- the complete opposite of me! I thought I wasn't as good as them. But I also noticed that being 'quiet' had it's positive sides too- some customers might prefer someone who does more of the listening than the talking. I realised then that whether or not someone is quiet or loud doesn't really matter- we are all different and people prefer different things. There isn't really a right or wrong way or one better than the other.

    Of course, this doesn't help when you are with people who think that being shy is something that you need to work on or overcome. It may make you feel worse about yourself. It's good to focus on what you like about yourself but I understand that doesn't feel easy. Another thing you can try is that whenever someone else makes you feel bad for being shy, try not to take it personally. In your mind, remind yourself that being shy/quiet isn't bad and that chances are, the other person should try to be more open minded and understanding that shyness doesn't mean there is a problem that needs to be 'fixed'. Also, it might help to spend less time around people who might make you feel bad for being shy and more time around people who accept you as you are...you might also notice this helps your self-esteem too :)
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 508 Incredible Poster
    edited July 2022
    I feel you here with the Shyness, it's something i've been grappling with through life like a few people here as well :)

    I think people often try to force the "shy" out of you since places similar to USA and UK(at least it feels this way) are a little more forgiving to more extroverted and confident people. When it comes to jobs, social situations etc. There's nothing wrong about either end of the spectrum however, not even slightly!

    The replies in this thread have some really good advice, so i'll just add in that it's okay to take this time and figure these things out :) You'll be the person who lives with you for your life, so take that time to take care for yourself and learn about you!
    Post edited by Former Member on
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 1,729 Extreme Poster
    I'd like to add myself as another person who was often told they were 'shy' and 'quiet' by people in life such as teachers. I was the same as it was always portrayed to be a bad thing, with comments like 'she needs to talk more in class' but at the end of the day, its more than okay to be shy. I feel like as life goes on, we push ourselves out of our comfort zones more and get used to talking to others and being more 'social' (for me it was even doing stuff like helping others on here) but at the end of the day, some people are shy and some people aren't, and that is what makes us us.

    I second what Connor and the others in their advice that we should all take the time to learn and better understand ourselves so we can embrace who we are.

    At the end of the day, everyone is different and thats what makes us who we are

    Sending love - Sinead :)
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