step mum doesn't want to hug

Distraction

I use to think I could go through life alone when I was a kid or at least be detached emotionally because I got tired of people making me feel scared and sad, I didn't want people having that hold over me.

Now I know, through friends and stuff, that that's no way to live but it's just so hard when you love unpredictable people.

My step mum is unpredictable, we've been through so many ups and downs and after our arguments I'd tell myself not to go loving her so much again but I did and we'd end up in another argument and I feel so much hurt (I'm not innocent in all this and she had family losses when I moved in, it was a stressful time)

Long story short she's gotten sick of me hugging her all the time, even though she hugs everyone else, so I've stopped and now it'll be rare if we ever do hug cos she never hugs me, it's always me hugging her and that she only gives half hugs with me and it's upsetting me so much, but it's actually a good thing cos I needed to distance myself and now I can.

I'm also probably moving out on the 17th July, I won't see her for 14 weeks because I'm going to England for work, so I was just trying to hug her while I could.

I could have dealt with this better when I was a kid and angry at the world but I just want a mum hug now and to never let go.

I wish I didn't need anyone sometimes.

(I know it's a lot about me and I do respect some people just aren't huggers but I've stayed with her over 12 years, familys are meant to show affection right?)

Distraction

Now its the next day I realise this is stupid to be upset about sorry

Former Member

Distraction wrote: »

Now its the next day I realise this is stupid to be upset about sorry

Hi @Distraction ,

This is absolutely not something that should you feel silly about; there is no need to apologise for expressing how you feel.

Feeling hurt and upset is a reasonable and understandable reaction to receiving a lack of comfort from someone who you love. It must be really tough to feel like she does not want to hug you, especially if you see her hugging other people. Is your step-mum aware of how you feel?

Distraction

Hi @roxby

Thanks

I haven't told her, we don't tend to talk about feelings in this house, it always gets blown way out of proportion lol, she calls me clingy and needy whenever I did hug her and would only use one arm or poke me in the ribs 'in a fun way' so that I'd let go, I don't understand what the problem is but if I ask, she'll most likely get defensive, I could always try and see I suppose, it just fills me with a little dread.

I'm just wondering but how many hugs are appropriate, 1/2 a day, 1 a week, when is too many hugs too many?

It does feel daft when I read the first post back tbh, not getting enough hugs, like lol, maybe I am needy and clingy but whats the alternative, turning into a robot, being a tough hard person, I could be that, I've done it before but it's lonely and u change and that's not really me.

Laura_tigger82

You have shown a lot of courage in talking to us about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing @Distraction. It is really positive that you felt able to reach out to us, especially when you don't always feel able to do this.

You don't have to do or say anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Similarly, no one has the right to do or say anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I hear you say you don't tend to talk about feelings in the house because it gets blown way out of proportion. Would you like to tell us more about how this makes you feel and what it currently looks like for you?

Generally, the number of appropriate hugs depends on how many you and the other person feel comfortable with which means it varies in each interaction. We are sending you a hug though because we can sense you are wanting, and perhaps needing, a hug!

Please feel free to keep us in the loop with how you are doing, we are all here for you. You don't have to go through this, or anything else, alone if you don't want to

AislingDM

I honestly think it's really reasonable to feel hurt and rejected in this situation @Distraction , like regardless of whether we can 'quantify' how many hugs is a 'regular' amount, you're allowed to want the people whom you love to show you affection in ways that words sometimes cannot. And having to be anxious about this is definitely not fair. I reckon it must be even more difficult to deal with given that you have to consider your step mum's reaction to if you were to bring this up to her

I know you've already had some great advice shared here, so I won't repeat anything else that's already been said, I was just wondering if you feel she shows you affection and love in other ways (e.g., holding hands, saying 'I love you', making you dinner when you're busy etc...)? I ask, not to make you feel like you cannot want to be hugged but rather, to understand if you feel appreciated in other ways, because if not it might be time to consider how you can talk to her about how she is making you feel? I know doing this must feel impossible, so no pressure on it at all, I just want you to know that I support you and that you 100% deserve to feel valued by all of your family xxx

Former Member

That sounds difficult @Distraction , not quite understanding your step-mum’s behaviour but feeling unable to properly talk about it. I understand that while you could ask her about it, it may lead to her getting defensive. You don’t have to talk to her about it if you don’t feel okay doing so.

Similarly to @AislingDM , I’m wondering if your step-mum shows affection in other ways. I have read previously that there are supposedly five different ‘love languages’, where people give and receive love in five different ways (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch). It’s possible that maybe you and your step-mum have different love languages?

AislingDM

Just wanted to check in to let you know that we're still here if you wanted to explore this more @Distraction Big hugs xx