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What is your pet peeve when someone is trying to support you?
JustV
Community Manager Posts: 5,612 Part of The Furniture
Really curious about this. I think all of us probably have those moments where someone is trying to be helpful or supportive, but they say or do something that we just don't find helpful for whatever reason.
Keep in mind that these will be different for everyone. For example, some people prefer to hear a lot of solutions when they feel upset about something, when others prefer a hug or to be left alone.
Keep in mind that these will be different for everyone. For example, some people prefer to hear a lot of solutions when they feel upset about something, when others prefer a hug or to be left alone.
All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
The truth resists simplicity.
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Comments
- Pressuring me into saying what's wrong. I don't mind if I'm asked what's wrong but please don't attempt to make me say it or tell me I will feel better once I talk about it. Don't get me wrong, I 100% agree that talking about your problems is a good thing that can be helpful, however I would rather talk about it on my own terms. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to talk about it. Sometimes I'm already talking to someone else about it and I don't need other people to know. Sometimes I genuinely don't know what my problem is, in which case it would be better give me time to process it. Sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed and there's not much else to talk about and that I just need a bit of space.
- Telling me how I'm feeling or what you think the reason is for my emotions. I guess my biggest example was that three years ago, my biological father who I never met died and some people assumed that I was hiding my emotions and that I'm sad deep down (though not always said to my face. My best friend told me her mum thought that for example). Were my feelings complex? Yeah, especially as the years went by (it was more simplistic back then because it was easier for it to keep it black and white). Was I sad? No, I didn't know him; if anything I felt relieved. I'm still not sad about it. That same week he died, I had a break down about school and my lack of religious beliefs, got a talk about how blood doesn't equal family later on when I wasn't upset because of that. I do like advice and solutions, but only if you know exactly what's going on, in which case, they didn't.
- I wouldn't call this one a big one and it applied to me a bit more a couple years back, but unless my behaviours are actually harmful, don't try to stop me from doing those behaviours. Possible TW
The best supportive thing someone can do is to just be there for me.
Very unhelpful statement but one I’ve heard so many times. Quite dismissive really. & Particularly when I’ve had health issues in the past so the person saying it actually isn’t sure at all!
- when someone gives possible solutions that could work to the problem/situation I have, and then they say "see, the problem/solution wasn't so bad after all"
I know that they're probably saying this to prove the point that there is always a solution to each problem, and that thinking on the bright side helps. But I didn't open up about my feelings/problems for them to be invalidated. I know that no one has a 100% understanding of another's feelings, but I hope that people learn to understand that every single person feels pain at different thresholds. There's no such thing as "overreacting" when it comes to experiencing pain. I think it would be best to just understand that I'm experiencing a problem without comparing it's how bad it is to other problems they might have experienced. Even though they may have helped me with dealing with this situation/problem, saying that the problem wasn't so bad doesn't help for me.
- when someone gives me support/advice while I'm still explaining a situation/problem
This doesn't bother me too much mainly because people can zone out sometimes when listening or they could just be exhausted trying to understand after reading a huge paragraph. But from what I've experienced, this still happens even when I try to make it easier for the listener. I make sure that I write/explain my situation into small chunks so that I don't lose their attention. It would be great if they waited until I'm done explaining, and then they can ask questions if they still don't understand.
Ultimately, I don't think anyone can give perfect support - even if we're all equipped with a great ability to listen or a really high amount of empathy, we all seek different kinds of support. Trying your best to support someone, being there for someone, and the thought of wanting to help someone is what really matters
My mum is the best example of somebody who isn't helpful. I love her to bits but I can't trust that the things I tell her won't find their way to the whole family / her friends. She's a very open person and talks about things casually, which is usually fine, but not when it comes things that I feel should be private. It often feels like when I tell her something, everybody is going to know, and then I get paranoid and feel awkward around everyone. So now I never talk to her about anything serious.
I don't like when someone's immediate response is that someone else always has it worse - a messed up kind of "look on the bright side." And I despise when people think you're saying or doing things for attention. In fact I reject it so much that it makes me very self destructive, in that I will purposefully withhold important things from others and suffer them alone.
To summarise:
The things you tell somebody should remain confidential unless you say otherwise.
The things you're going through shouldn't immediately be compared to everybody else.
People shouldn't automatically judge you an attention seeker, when often it took a lot just to talk to one person.
For me, and this is a contentious one, I quite dislike being told "it's normal/common" and very specifically that wording, I think it's nice to hear "It makes sense to feel that way" and stuff like that which is almost the same as the first phrase. However, for me, hearing "it's normal" reads as: "don't worry things aren't that bad, other people do X and other people feel X" and of course this is true, but often when your in the depths of pain, it feels like no one can truly understand it 100% even if they've experienced very similar situations. And I think it feeds into a wider point about when your mental health is being supported you don't want to feel like you're just another number.
-Comparing other experiences to mine in a way that belittles my experience(or just generally trying to belittle my experience)
-Comparing their experience to mine in a way that makes theirs seem more important
-Getting emotional in their comforts towards me and/or being made the center of attention
I appreciate the support but……I am highly sensitive to other people’s emotions, which can be very triggering for me(particularly anger).
-Advice that I specifically said does not work
Example: Me: “…he doesn’t listen! I can’t discuss anything with him! He talks over me! He just twists my words into whatever he wants them to be! Trying to discuss anything with him is impossible! Believe me, I tried!”Them: “This sounds pretty serious. Have you tried talking to him?”. No, I tried whistling to him🙄I appreciate advice, but I also appreciate being listened to.
Summing it up, I am an introverted HSP(Highly Sensitive Person) with an extremely high level of empathy, PTSD, and anxiety. Certain things are simply triggering to me and the fault nobody else’s but my abusers’. I spent all of my life fighting and killing most of my emotions and trying to seem perfect. I can’t trust. I can’t be vulnerable. I don’t have any close friends. I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. It hurts. When I try to say these things, I get all of the above and earn the title “Attention Seeker”(which is hilarious since I can’t stand being the center of attention, it’s too pressuring).
People tend not to under something until it happens to them or someone they love. Few people have that level of empathy.
People assuming/guessing how I feel. A friend once told me that someone we knew had passed away. They then told me "don't be too upset, someone had to tell you". The thing was though...I didn't feel upset because I barely knew them. It was sad to hear but I wasn't upset or crying or anything. Then I felt guilty like I SHOULD be feeling upset.
Related to that, after someone guesses how I feel, they might act on those assumptions. A friend thought I was lonely (I didn't have many friends) and so they took it upon themselves to find me a friend. They didn't know that I was burnt out, didn't want to talk to more people and felt slightly offended because I wanted a friend I could talk to about what was on my mind, not wanting to chat with some random person online.
That above problem was actually caused by the fact that my friend was often quite busy so when I would talk to them (I send long messages, but that's just how I communicate) it often felt like they didn't understand me, like they weren't 'listening' to me properly. Which then made me feel like a burden on them, so I pretty much stopped talking to people about what's on my mind because I assumed that I was a burden and that others would also feel this way about me.
I get that people try to help, but sometimes it can be more of a help just slowing down, listening (properly) and asking questions, rather than than assuming and taking action.
I think it can depend on the situation for me. So I’m just saying how I’m always sad and that’s my flat constant mood and someone says that to me, I’d find that annoying & invalidating considering it feels like it’s never going to be okay. But if im in a panic or really suddenly distressed or triggered I really like being told that. Kinda puts me at ease like sometimes I actually think In my head -‘someone just tell me it will all be okay’. And what can seem invalidating for someone else might be really helpful. (I know we all know that, I just find it interesting)