Mixed Signals 😩

Former Member

So I was dating this boy last summer we started talking for like a month or two again and now I’m catching feelings for him we talk everyday and I’ve told him I have feelings for him and all that and he said I know you do.
He said I don’t know what I want at the moment but I do care about you your the only one I want but his like giving me mixed signals. also yesterday he said a girl asked for his number but he said no because of me.
He also said I am hard to forget so he wouldn’t go to someone else.

What’s yours thoughts on this??

Former Member

I need advice is he leading me on?

Ed_

It's a really tricky one @_Tech_Addict_Girl as it can be quite hard to judge what people's true motivations are with these things. Are you able to tell us a bit more about the mixed signals he has been giving you?

He's told you that he isn't sure what he wants right now, but have you thought about what you want? That can sometimes be quite a useful thing to spend some time mulling over, as it can give you some indicators as to what is important for you in this situation, and also can help you work out whether it feels like he is ready for that, or whether you think with a bit of time he may get to that place. As ever with these things, honesty is the best policy. It can be hard to do so, but being up front and sharing what your needs are can help him to feel comfortable to do the same. Would be interested to hear what others think and what suggestions they have in terms of how to have these conversations.

Let us know how things go

Former Member

@Ed_ Hi Ed I have told him how I feel and he said he would date me but he has doubts and I asked him what are the doubts he said I don’t know myself what the doubts are that has just confused me.

It feels like I’m waiting for something that’s not going to happen also when I try distance myself from him he says I think there is something wrong I feel like you don’t want to talk to me.

Former Member

Agree with Ed here, honesty always the best policy and best to know sooner rather than later where you stand, particularly if you are starting to catch feelings properly. It sounds a bit like he is keeping you hanging on while he makes his mind up about what he wants to happen, do you think that’s fair to say?

I think it does depend on whether you feel you want to wait much longer (it sounds like you don’t?) - if not, just being upfront might give him the push he needs to make a decision?

How would you feel about having another open conversation with him about it?

Former Member

@Lucy307 Hey so a few weeks ago I spoke to him again about it again and he was like I still have doubts but i'm going to ignore it because I have doubts about everything, He then said want to be my girlfriend then? I said yes.
The thing is I feel like he is just pretending the relationship just to make me happy but I can't tell because it's a long distance relationship.

AislingDM

It sounds like such an uncertain situation to be in right now @_Tech_Addict_Girl , and whilst at times putting a label on things can be brilliant and establish where the relationship is heading, that only works if you feel confident in his feelings towards you. Could you tell us more about how he asked you to be his girlfriend? (i.e., did he ask organically, or was it during your conversation about his doubts?).

I definitely agree that you don't just want to be kept on the hook if you feel like he might just be pretending/forcing it a bit, equally it's important to consider why he would prioritise your happiness so much so that he would ask you out even if he didn't really want to? What makes you feel cautious that he might be pretending, especially in the last week or so? xx

Stellaluna

@_Tech_Addict_Girl It sounds like he is unsure about what he wants, is confused or perhaps his circumstances are not right for a relationship. My only concern is you getting hurt by someone who could string you along, not prioritise you in the way you prioritise him or could give you false hope. You are under no pressure to take my advice, but you could try saying something like the following to him:

“It seems like you need to spend some time alone for a while and figure out what you want. Your happiness is really important to me. I feel like you need to go away to figure this out on your own. and when you do, I hope that I’m still here. Until then I need someone who is completely in because I would not want to be with someone who isn’t 100% about wanting to be with me.”

Trying to talk someone into being with you, trying to convince them may not make them surer about you because this is coming from your persuasion or telling him what to do rather than him coming to the conclusion he wants to be with you. Plus, he has nothing to rebel, protest or argue against as you are saying this is ok for him to have space to think things over whilst you pursue what you need at this time. That way it is fair for both of you and he won't feel like he is obliged to be with you. I know this may be difficult for you especially if you really like him, but you have to put on your own oxygen mask on first whilst showing you still care about his happiness but are strong enough to assert and chase after what you want.

Former Member

@AislingDM Hey he asked me during the conversation about doubts that’s why I feel like it’s not true and I feel like his got someone else aswell because one minute his replies are fast next minute there not. When we are on the phone his Snapchat keeps going off also.

@Stellaluna I’ve had lots of conversations with him telling him I don’t have to keep asking for your attention if you really wanted me you would give me your attention and I was crying at this point and he said aww I didn’t know it would make you this upset I promise I’ll put effort in. Like some days he puts effort in other days he don’t it makes me feel like he has someone else too
Sorry for the late reply xx

Former Member

Hey @_Tech_Addict_Girl good to hear from you - you’ve mentioned that he is making you feel like he has someone else - it sounds like that’s because he can be a bit inconsistent putting effort in / replying to texts, is that right?

Are there any other flags or is it mainly those, and have you been able to tell him how vulnerable you are feeling with this?

Sending massive hugs 💜

Former Member

@Lucy307 Hey yes it dose bother me when he hurry’s up and replies one day and not the next every time I’m on the phone I hear notifications going off all the time and I wonder if that’s another girl his with.

It’s hard because when we are on the phone I struggle with what to talk about and that’s when things get a bit heated.

I need things to talk about and not just boring things like what are you up to because I feel like them kind of questions end the conversation quickly.

Stellaluna

@_Tech_Addict_Girl No worries. I can imagine life has been super busy given everything that’s going on. It seems like you have been assertive, and I am proud of this. It takes courage to ask for what you want and establish boundaries. Hope you get some time to relax away from everything. Have you got anything fun planned over the summer? It could also be an idea to spend some time with friends or trying out some new hobbies where you can meet some new people. This could help remove some of the focus placed on this guy who may comer across as inconsistent. You deserve to feel loved, safe and secure in your relationship and it is important to look after your mental health, and how this relationship is affecting your inner peace.
Sending a virtual high five and a “you’ve got this”.

Former Member

@Stellaluna i just don’t know what to do I’m getting to attached with him again🥺

Stellaluna

@_Tech_Addict_Girl As you have mentioned previously, it could be an idea to distance yourself from this person. This may allow you to evaluate how what you think about him with a clear mind and make less emotionally charged decisions around how you wish to proceed with this ‘situationship’. You can assess if this dynamic with him is good for your mental health, if it is worth continuing or letting go of to open yourself up to other connections with other people.
Sometimes if we tell ourselves something repeatedly like “I’m attached with him”, we can begin to believe this and act on this as if it is reality. Tell yourself:
• “I am not attached, and I choose who I hang out with.”
• “I am in control of who I choose to hang out with.”
• “I am worthy of reciprocity and love.”
• “I have a lot to offer someone.”.
• Write it down if you have to.
When this person pops into your mind, is there anything you can do to quickly distract yourself like reading a book, looking at the news, or writing your to-do list?
Understand these feelings of craving someone will come and go but will become more manageable over time. I also understand early mornings/ late at night can be intense for feelings of longing. When we are romantically bonded to someone the chemical Oxytocin and trick us into staying in unhealthy relationships.
Do your like animals? Cuddling a pet or being around animals can release Oxytocin. It is also important to nurture your other social connections like friends or family and meeting new people, so this one person is not your main focus.
Is there anything new you have always wanted to learn like a new hobby or skill?

AislingDM

This must be so frustrating honestly @_Tech_Addict_Girl , especially because you're working so hard to show good clear communication about how he's left you feeling, yet you're still not getting the type of reassurance that you deserve. Being left in a limbo is honestly at times worse than things ending, because you're left not knowing where to turn

I think it's brilliant you strong you've been in expressing your feelings as honestly as you can, because when we feel uncertain it can pretty easy to shove down uncomfortable emotions and not confront them head on.

I also reckon it's very understandable to want to have conversations that extend deeper beyond 'I'm good, wbu?'. Have you felt able to mention this to him? I think it can be especially quicker for attachments to form when we feel we are not getting the same back, and that must be pretty scary. Would you want to tell me what makes you feel so much more increasingly attached? xx