Continuation of family issues and worry about my porn use

Creativeboy23

Hello all.

Earlier this morning, I was overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings and was trying to recover from them and feeling guilty about my porn use and worried it will affect intimacy in my future relationship.

Later this evening, I ended up overhearing a YouTube video mention a spider, making me afraid to go downstairs because I have a phobia of them. Then, my brother noticed and was trying put on an act, saying if I am that afraid of spiders, I need help. He was also saying it is not even real and it is on TV, but he was teasing me twice, saying there is a spidey on the TV when he knows I am frightened of them. He was laughing, drawing attention to my anger. In addition, he shared what happened, mentioning that the spider was a cartoon one with my dad. My dad just teamed up with my brother, saying if it is a cartoon spider, then that is silly. I did not know that it was a cartoon spider, but whether it was or not is not the point. Therefore, I ended up really affected because I have been hurt by them and my phobia has been used against me before. I have been planning on ringing up to put myself back on the housing list. However, my mum was saying that there is no rush to get my own house, when I would be psychologically hurt if I stayed because the amount of negativity I have experienced from my dad and brother. Consequently, I feel stuck. I just feel I have to just sit back and tolerate this treatment just because family issues are common.

I do not want to be judged. I want to be heard.

Former Member

Hi there @Creativeboy23, lovely to virtually meet you.

Firstly, I can see that you're fairly new to The Mix, so I just wanted to welcome you and say that I appreciate this can't have been easy to type out, but we are all here for you and you've come to the right place if you want to be heard, not judged.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of concerns going on for you right now, starting with porn use. Watching porn can be a healthy, entertaining activity for a lot of people, but I can see that your experience is more surrounded by guilt. I wonder if you'd feel comfortable explaining a little further to me about your concerns, and perhaps why you feel it might affect future relationships too? Only whatever you're happy to share, it's just to help me understand how best to support you.

In terms of your phobia experience with your family, first of all I just want to say I am so sorry you went through something so scary for you, that must've been really hard. All phobias are valid and can create feelings of pure fear, whether they're in front of you, on the TV, or sometimes just even thinking about them. It can't have been easy being in a situation where you were afraid, and your family were telling you you shouldn't be. It sounds to me like they didn't have an accurate understanding of your feelings, does that sound right to you?

I can empathise with your feelings of being stuck and not knowing what to do. It sounds to me like you're unhappy with the way your family are treating you, but you're torn because your mum is wanting you to stay. I just wanted to pick up on your last point, you mentioned you feel you need to tolerate this treatment because family issues are common. I understand what you're saying about family issues happening fairly often, but in my view that doesn't mean you deserve any negative treatment because of that. I wonder if you have any idea what you feel would be best for you in terms of your living situation? Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any final big decisions, I'm just here to talk through your options if you feel that would be helpful.

Take care x

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1. It is lovely to virtually meet you too.

Thanks for reaching out.

I have been feeling guilty about porn because of the sexual objectification aspect of it. It makes me feel I am glorifying it, when my aim is to fulfil my sexual desire. In a YouTube video, a doctor was saying it can lead to men being unable to have an erection, ejaculate and get aroused enough because the reward centre is desensitised. I found out from an article that a third of young men experience erectile dysfunction. Therefore, this has made me worry that it will happen to me, affecting my future relationship. Earlier, I spoke to a GP about this and she is going to send me some resources.

Yes, you nailed it.

I agree with you that family issues being common does not condone horrible treatment.

I just feel ringing up an housing agency to put myself on a housing list would be best because I can get myself away from the negativity in the house x.

Former Member

Hi again @Creativeboy23!

Ah I see, thanks so much for explaining more to help me understand. I think it's great that you've explored your concerns to try and gain more information and I hope those resources from your GP help with giving you some clarity

I'm so pleased that you agree family issues don't justify treatment you don't find acceptable. It sounds like you've come up with an living option that feels right for you, how have you found things this past week since considering this? x

AislingDM

Really glad to have you here on The Mix @Creativeboy23 I know it's definitely not easy to talk so openly about such complex experiences!! I'm really grateful you're here and bringing such an awesome energy of openness

I know you've already got some fab advice from @enorth1 so I won't pile on too much, I just wanted to let you know that the worries you have about watching porn are completely understandable, and I know that there is a lot of info out there that can cause a lot of fear, like who wants to hear that watching one video is going to cause permanent erectile dysfunction? and so I just wanted to reinforce the fact that some of these videos aren't always giving the exact truth and that learning what feels healthy for you can take some time, and it's certainly not nice to have that complicated by additional worries about physical health impacts! x I thought I'd link this article about what can make us feel so worried about our porn consumption, I hope it can be useful in some way xxx Huge hugs and hope things can become easier for you. xx

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1 .

The resources have helped quite a bit. I still have not got around to contacting my housing agency, but things have gotten a bit better with my family. However, I have been experiencing other difficulties.

I feel my female autistic friend overly relies on me to support her with her loneliness and writing. Our conversations are hardly about small talk. So, I have not been answering her calls because this is a lot to process. I am confused about whether I would be allowing it to happen to me again. I also do not think this would register if I shared this with her.

I seem to have emotional flashbacks. They were about my dad apologising for and repeating his behaviour, a volunteering manager singling me out for special attention and a volunteer not treating me nicely in the kitchen. I have relived the time my DSA academic skills tutor would often say that I have to decide that in our sessions, which felt condescending. Also, when my DSA mentor would often reassure me about things, but the memory got exaggerated to him smiling with other staff members. He would reject my feelings of overwhelm during university, making me feel that I am coming to him with a small problem. He said that I am a lovely student, but I am too hard on myself. For my Student Finance application, I was searching through some clutter for a letter to use as evidence to process it and relived when my ex-support worker would end with a judgement after sharing something that has upset me. I was also stressing to my mum about how tedious the application process is, and asking her for help with including information alongside my birth certificate for it. I created a scenario in my mind of my dad focussing on my future partner needing to adjust in a relationship with me because of my autism spectrum changing the way I think and do day to day activities, and my sensitivity. The situations with my mentor, application and my future relationship made me feel little and like I am a handful. A past mentoring manager told me that I need to remember to mention my strengths more, pointing out my modesty. The comment from my DSA mentor and a mentoring manager felt like they were giving their opinion on my personality.

Creativeboy23

Hello @AislingDM .

Thanks for reaching out. I am grateful you are here too.

You are not piling on too much. Do not worry. You are just offering support.

Thanks for the link and reaching out. I agree with you about the misinformation. It can be difficult to know what is the truth, but you have helped reassure me.

Huge hugs to you and I hope so too. Thanks also for your support xxx.

Former Member

Hey again @Creativeboy23! Thanks for sharing further, I’m going to try to support you the best I can

Firstly, I’m pleased you’ve found the resources useful, and very happy to read that things are feeling a little better with your family. There’s no pressure about contacting the housing agency, just do what feels right for you at the moment.

Ah I see, its sounding to me like you feel your friend is relying on you quite heavily. I can understand your decision to take some time away to look after your own mental wellbeing. I find that it’s not always easy to notice when things are getting overwhelming so it’s good that you’ve recognised this. I’m sorry to read that you don’t think your feelings around this would register with her, it can be hard to communicate your emotions with someone if you don’t think there is a mutual understanding. I hope you don’t mind me asking, I was wondering if you’ve ever had the opportunity to speak about similar feelings with her in the past? I’m just trying to get a better understanding, but only share what you’re happy to!

You’ve listed lots of experiences there that sounded really difficult for you, I can’t imagine how it must feel to have them all flashing back in a short space of time. Reading back I can see that you’ve felt condescended, rejected, judged and a handful, to name just a few of your feelings there. That is a lot for anyone to go through, so once again I’m so pleased you’ve reached out to share some of that burden. I can see that you just want to be heard and respected.

To break down your message further, it sounds to me like the people in your flashbacks have been acting in conflicting ways, like your dad apologising and then repeating his behaviour, your DSA mentor reassuring you but also saying your problems are small, and your DSA tutor and DSA mentoring manager speaking about strengths but to you coming across like they were having an opinion on your personality, as you say. I would imagine this to be quite confusing, I wonder if you feel the same? I'm just trying to get an accurate a picture as possible for how this must have been for you.

Having so much going on for you right now, I hope you feel able to look after yourself in between these flashbacks. Sending you lots of support and hugs xx

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1 .

The information given in the resources have been useful, but it is not necessarily a solution to my sexual urges as a single person. So, I am considering to talk to the charity Relate about this.

Yes. She sure has relied on me quite heavily, and I have had the opportunity to speak about similar feelings. I spoke to her about only wanting to speak to me whenever she has relationship issues, and she played the victim.

The flashbacks have been coming back again and again, affecting my concentration. I am able to look after myself a little bit, as I met up with some friends recently. However, self-care has still been challenging. I would say it is quite overwhelming, rather than confusing. My autism spectrum can make it much more challenging because I struggle to find the emotional literacy for my feelings. I shared my difficulty in managing my thoughts with the Kooth team. I am just waiting for a response.

Thanks for your help.

Are you experiencing any difficulties at the moment? xxx

AislingDM

No worries at all @Creativeboy23 , it's beyond wonderful that you're so committed to trying to cope with so much overwhelming you at once, and as you say having your autism spectrum impacting how you navigate this must be all the more intense.

I know you've mentioned a few different things and the efforts you're making to try to better understand yourself, especially in terms of talking to Relate, which is fantastic! I just wanted to touch on the flashbacks that have really been bothering you. The impact of having unwanted memories flashing aggressively in our minds is definitely scary and in many ways frustrating because they affect our ability to do other things, like focusing as you mentioned. It seems as though these flashbacks are causing a big issue for you at the moment, and I was wondering if you wanted to talk about what makes them challenging? (no pressure of course!!) lots of hugs xxx

Former Member

Hey again @Creativeboy23, I just want to second AislingDM and say that its great that you're exploring ways of gaining more information, like with Relate. Just as an additional option, The Mix have lots of articles on all sorts of topics to do with sex and relationships, perhaps some of those resources might give you some extra info too! I've just had a search and found one on masturbation myths as a start, but if you think it would help then perhaps have an explore

https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/masturbation/masturbation-myths-23971.html

Regarding your friend, it sounds to me like you really explained how you felt about only speaking about her issues, so it's a shame she didn't feel able to consider your view. I think sometimes people can be unsure how to respond and get defensive, but that doesn't change how hard it must've been for you to feel heavily relied upon. It sounds as though you've taken control of the situation for your own wellbeing by taking a step back and reflecting on what you'd like to do next.

That's great that you felt able to meet up with friends recently. For me, when I'm feel overwhelmed, distractions such as seeing my friends really helps me, but I agree with you it can be so difficult to do things like self-care when you're going through something as intense as powerful thoughts. Speaking about your emotions can definitely be tricky, and I empathise with you about that. You've given me an excellent explanation so far of what's been going on for you recently, and that's really helped me to try and understand what things have been like from your perspective. That's brilliant that you've reached out to Kooth too, I hope they can help ease some of this burden for you x

That's so kind of you to check in with me! Thankfully for the moment I'm not experiencing any intense difficulties as such, but I know if I do have issues then I'm sure speaking things out with this lovely community would really help xxxx

Creativeboy23

Hello @AislingDM.

I know. I agree with you.

I have decided I am not going to Relate because I do not want to be paying to register and for the sessions. So, I have booked myself onto a service with NGY yesterday.

Being able to pinpoint them and keep track of them how often they occur makes them challenging to deal with.

Thank you for helping me.

Lots of hugs to you too xxx.

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1.

Thank you for the link about masturbation myths. I have had a look but I have still been told that it will make me impotent in the future, which has been making me worry about it.

I have decided I am not going to Relate because I do not want to be paying to register and for the sessions. So, I have booked myself onto a service with NGY yesterday. I plan on speaking with them about the issues I have been experiencing.

That is correct about my friend.

Thank you for your help.

I am glad you are okay. I am here if you need to share issues you are experiences.

Lots of hugs xxxx.

AislingDM

Definitely, that makes total sense @Creativeboy23 , especially when so many flashbacks are overwhelming your mind at once, discerning what they mean, where they all come from and when they arise is all the more stressful and confusing. It's no wonder you're really struggling to cope right now

Not paying for sessions is very reasonable, I mean all you want is to gain support and having to shell out cash for it always feels a bit ridiculous, right? What about NGY makes you feel a bit more optimistic about talking about your experiences?

It sounds like you have a lot you need to get off your chest and being able to get that all out with a professional sounds like a great idea, and extremely brave to be so committed to doing this! Where do you reckon you'd like to start, is any issue in particular causing you the most 'stark' pain, or is it more just an overwhelming 'mess' of emotions and memories? Thank you for coming back to me so fast on this, I'm really glad to get to talk to you x

Creativeboy23

@AislingDM Exactly. It is ridiculous, yes.

I was going to speak to NGY, but they did not contact me on the day they said. So, I decided to speak to the GP about what has been troubling me, otherwise my emotions would deteriorate. She suggested self-referring to one of the talking therapies to get sooner support, whilst I wait for the neurodivergent counselling to start in September. Last August I recall, I self-referred to the service and got contacted in April this year with a questionnaire to share what has been troubling me, after having to send a follow-up email. I also got told my psychology support will take 3 months, which is a while will take place in 3 months.

It is more just an overwhelming mess of emotions. I have been having suicidal thoughts and emotional flashbacks, my brother has been using my sensitivity against me, accused me of male gazing and is often negative about my autism. My dad and brother have criticised me for and frightened me with my phobia of spiders. I often feel inferior to my friend when we hang out. My parents have been critical of how I am when I cook, which have left me feeling anxious whenever it gets to dinner time and uncomfortable about cooking. I was feeling anxious today when my mum was going to put me in charge of cooking, as I have always been worried about not knowing when food is cooked thoroughly enough. I have been considering to try a friends with benefits relationship, but I am worried I may be looked at differently. My autism spectrum can make describing how I feel, being concise and coherent, and summing up information challenging, which can be distressing for me.

I am glad to talk to you too x.

AislingDM

It's truly terrible, right? How can a person who is so clearly seeking support be denied the care they are entitled to? The fact that you have maintained such commitment to be supported is already amazingly brave and not something that everyone feels comfortable doing, especially when talking about more intimate topics such as this @Creativeboy23 x

It's a huge concern that you need the support right now but simply are not getting it! In terms of the 3-month wait, does that mean you'll be able to access support around August-time or later than that?

Ah, thank you for explaining that, honestly you've expressed yourself so insightfully and clearly, it's brilliant. Although, reading how much you're struggling from all directions is certainly horrid. I can't imagine not only feeling unhappy and unsafe in your head but also in your home in terms of your family's perceptions of you. Being treated without additional support in situations like cooking is definitely not helpful, as it does not allow you to grow your skills and confidence!

I wonder how these conversations go with family, whether about cooking, spiders or the male gaze? Does it feel like an attack or a discussion, because it's certainly not nice when others leave us feeling excluded from our own home environment?

In terms of the cooking specifically (I know that's not the main concern right now), I have similar worries truth be told, especially about meat and I find this article helpful.

https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/cooking-food-properly#:~:text=To test if food has,steaming hot in the middle.

I also wonder if you can spring for a cooking thermometer? I know they can be a hefty expense but it can assuage your fears about food not being cooked all the way through.

Creativeboy23

Hello @AislingDM . I know. It is ridiculous.

I have come so far with sharing how I have been feeling. I can remember how daunting it was to first open about how I have been feeling. So, it just shows how much I have developed since then xx

I know. It can often be challenging at home and because these issues have been overwhelming, it is hard for me to remember how the conversation have went or whether have even had them. However, I did feel attacked in the situations.

That is a good point. Thanks for the link, suggestion to get a thermometer and supporting me with these emotions. I really appreciate it xx .

AislingDM

Definitely!! I think sometimes when life is still very unbearable and challenging, we can forget to celebrate the 'little' victories of how far we have progressed in emotional development and understanding @Creativeboy23 Like, when you think about it, going from speaking to no one, to bravely detailing the nuanced experiences of your life online is pretty huge!

Ah, I get what you're saying, especially when conversations like that are so frequent it can be even more difficult to discern what the reality is, and sometimes I reckon it can be easy to unintentionally block out certain events or convos that cause us pain. So when it comes to trying to process them later in life, we're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Feeling attacked regardless is never nice, and it's certainly true that you should be supported through things that you are deeply fearful of, rather than be mocked and laughed at! Sometimes people do not even realise how hurtful they are being until they are treated the same way.

One thing I do to try to subtly talk to my family about things that they have done that have hurt me is sending links to tweets and tiktoks of other people talking about their experiences and just adding my own comment to my family like 'this is so interesting' because it could indirectly get them to rethink their actions and choices (as well as my own of course). I only suggest this if you're not feeling too confrontational

No worries about the suggestions, I hope they might be of some use xxx

Creativeboy23

Hello @AislingDM.

That is so true. Well said.

Thanks for your support and the suggestion xxx.

AislingDM

No worries at all!! I'm always here if you ever want to talk some more @Creativeboy23