Continuation of family issues and worry about my porn use

Creativeboy23

Hello all.

Earlier this morning, I was overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings and was trying to recover from them and feeling guilty about my porn use and worried it will affect intimacy in my future relationship.

Later this evening, I ended up overhearing a YouTube video mention a spider, making me afraid to go downstairs because I have a phobia of them. Then, my brother noticed and was trying put on an act, saying if I am that afraid of spiders, I need help. He was also saying it is not even real and it is on TV, but he was teasing me twice, saying there is a spidey on the TV when he knows I am frightened of them. He was laughing, drawing attention to my anger. In addition, he shared what happened, mentioning that the spider was a cartoon one with my dad. My dad just teamed up with my brother, saying if it is a cartoon spider, then that is silly. I did not know that it was a cartoon spider, but whether it was or not is not the point. Therefore, I ended up really affected because I have been hurt by them and my phobia has been used against me before. I have been planning on ringing up to put myself back on the housing list. However, my mum was saying that there is no rush to get my own house, when I would be psychologically hurt if I stayed because the amount of negativity I have experienced from my dad and brother. Consequently, I feel stuck. I just feel I have to just sit back and tolerate this treatment just because family issues are common.

I do not want to be judged. I want to be heard.

enorth1

Hi there @Creativeboy23, lovely to virtually meet you.

Firstly, I can see that you're fairly new to The Mix, so I just wanted to welcome you and say that I appreciate this can't have been easy to type out, but we are all here for you and you've come to the right place if you want to be heard, not judged.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of concerns going on for you right now, starting with porn use. Watching porn can be a healthy, entertaining activity for a lot of people, but I can see that your experience is more surrounded by guilt. I wonder if you'd feel comfortable explaining a little further to me about your concerns, and perhaps why you feel it might affect future relationships too? Only whatever you're happy to share, it's just to help me understand how best to support you.

In terms of your phobia experience with your family, first of all I just want to say I am so sorry you went through something so scary for you, that must've been really hard. All phobias are valid and can create feelings of pure fear, whether they're in front of you, on the TV, or sometimes just even thinking about them. It can't have been easy being in a situation where you were afraid, and your family were telling you you shouldn't be. It sounds to me like they didn't have an accurate understanding of your feelings, does that sound right to you?

I can empathise with your feelings of being stuck and not knowing what to do. It sounds to me like you're unhappy with the way your family are treating you, but you're torn because your mum is wanting you to stay. I just wanted to pick up on your last point, you mentioned you feel you need to tolerate this treatment because family issues are common. I understand what you're saying about family issues happening fairly often, but in my view that doesn't mean you deserve any negative treatment because of that. I wonder if you have any idea what you feel would be best for you in terms of your living situation? Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any final big decisions, I'm just here to talk through your options if you feel that would be helpful.

Take care x

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1. It is lovely to virtually meet you too.

Thanks for reaching out.

I have been feeling guilty about porn because of the sexual objectification aspect of it. It makes me feel I am glorifying it, when my aim is to fulfil my sexual desire. In a YouTube video, a doctor was saying it can lead to men being unable to have an erection, ejaculate and get aroused enough because the reward centre is desensitised. I found out from an article that a third of young men experience erectile dysfunction. Therefore, this has made me worry that it will happen to me, affecting my future relationship. Earlier, I spoke to a GP about this and she is going to send me some resources.

Yes, you nailed it.

I agree with you that family issues being common does not condone horrible treatment.

I just feel ringing up an housing agency to put myself on a housing list would be best because I can get myself away from the negativity in the house x.

enorth1

Hi again @Creativeboy23!

Ah I see, thanks so much for explaining more to help me understand. I think it's great that you've explored your concerns to try and gain more information and I hope those resources from your GP help with giving you some clarity

I'm so pleased that you agree family issues don't justify treatment you don't find acceptable. It sounds like you've come up with an living option that feels right for you, how have you found things this past week since considering this? x

AislingDM

Really glad to have you here on The Mix @Creativeboy23 I know it's definitely not easy to talk so openly about such complex experiences!! I'm really grateful you're here and bringing such an awesome energy of openness

I know you've already got some fab advice from @enorth1 so I won't pile on too much, I just wanted to let you know that the worries you have about watching porn are completely understandable, and I know that there is a lot of info out there that can cause a lot of fear, like who wants to hear that watching one video is going to cause permanent erectile dysfunction? and so I just wanted to reinforce the fact that some of these videos aren't always giving the exact truth and that learning what feels healthy for you can take some time, and it's certainly not nice to have that complicated by additional worries about physical health impacts! x I thought I'd link this article about what can make us feel so worried about our porn consumption, I hope it can be useful in some way xxx Huge hugs and hope things can become easier for you. xx

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1 .

The resources have helped quite a bit. I still have not got around to contacting my housing agency, but things have gotten a bit better with my family. However, I have been experiencing other difficulties.

I feel my female autistic friend overly relies on me to support her with her loneliness and writing. Our conversations are hardly about small talk. So, I have not been answering her calls because this is a lot to process. I am confused about whether I would be allowing it to happen to me again. I also do not think this would register if I shared this with her.

I seem to have emotional flashbacks. They were about my dad apologising for and repeating his behaviour, a volunteering manager singling me out for special attention and a volunteer not treating me nicely in the kitchen. I have relived the time my DSA academic skills tutor would often say that I have to decide that in our sessions, which felt condescending. Also, when my DSA mentor would often reassure me about things, but the memory got exaggerated to him smiling with other staff members. He would reject my feelings of overwhelm during university, making me feel that I am coming to him with a small problem. He said that I am a lovely student, but I am too hard on myself. For my Student Finance application, I was searching through some clutter for a letter to use as evidence to process it and relived when my ex-support worker would end with a judgement after sharing something that has upset me. I was also stressing to my mum about how tedious the application process is, and asking her for help with including information alongside my birth certificate for it. I created a scenario in my mind of my dad focussing on my future partner needing to adjust in a relationship with me because of my autism spectrum changing the way I think and do day to day activities, and my sensitivity. The situations with my mentor, application and my future relationship made me feel little and like I am a handful. A past mentoring manager told me that I need to remember to mention my strengths more, pointing out my modesty. The comment from my DSA mentor and a mentoring manager felt like they were giving their opinion on my personality.

Creativeboy23

Hello @AislingDM .

Thanks for reaching out. I am grateful you are here too.

You are not piling on too much. Do not worry. You are just offering support.

Thanks for the link and reaching out. I agree with you about the misinformation. It can be difficult to know what is the truth, but you have helped reassure me.

Huge hugs to you and I hope so too. Thanks also for your support xxx.

enorth1

Hey again @Creativeboy23! Thanks for sharing further, I’m going to try to support you the best I can

Firstly, I’m pleased you’ve found the resources useful, and very happy to read that things are feeling a little better with your family. There’s no pressure about contacting the housing agency, just do what feels right for you at the moment.

Ah I see, its sounding to me like you feel your friend is relying on you quite heavily. I can understand your decision to take some time away to look after your own mental wellbeing. I find that it’s not always easy to notice when things are getting overwhelming so it’s good that you’ve recognised this. I’m sorry to read that you don’t think your feelings around this would register with her, it can be hard to communicate your emotions with someone if you don’t think there is a mutual understanding. I hope you don’t mind me asking, I was wondering if you’ve ever had the opportunity to speak about similar feelings with her in the past? I’m just trying to get a better understanding, but only share what you’re happy to!

You’ve listed lots of experiences there that sounded really difficult for you, I can’t imagine how it must feel to have them all flashing back in a short space of time. Reading back I can see that you’ve felt condescended, rejected, judged and a handful, to name just a few of your feelings there. That is a lot for anyone to go through, so once again I’m so pleased you’ve reached out to share some of that burden. I can see that you just want to be heard and respected.

To break down your message further, it sounds to me like the people in your flashbacks have been acting in conflicting ways, like your dad apologising and then repeating his behaviour, your DSA mentor reassuring you but also saying your problems are small, and your DSA tutor and DSA mentoring manager speaking about strengths but to you coming across like they were having an opinion on your personality, as you say. I would imagine this to be quite confusing, I wonder if you feel the same? I'm just trying to get an accurate a picture as possible for how this must have been for you.

Having so much going on for you right now, I hope you feel able to look after yourself in between these flashbacks. Sending you lots of support and hugs xx

Creativeboy23

Hello @enorth1 .

The information given in the resources have been useful, but it is not necessarily a solution to my sexual urges as a single person. So, I am considering to talk to the charity Relate about this.

Yes. She sure has relied on me quite heavily, and I have had the opportunity to speak about similar feelings. I spoke to her about only wanting to speak to me whenever she has relationship issues, and she played the victim.

The flashbacks have been coming back again and again, affecting my concentration. I am able to look after myself a little bit, as I met up with some friends recently. However, self-care has still been challenging. I would say it is quite overwhelming, rather than confusing. My autism spectrum can make it much more challenging because I struggle to find the emotional literacy for my feelings. I shared my difficulty in managing my thoughts with the Kooth team. I am just waiting for a response.

Thanks for your help.

Are you experiencing any difficulties at the moment? xxx