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Continuation of family issues and worry about my porn use
Past User
Posts: 0 Just got here
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Firstly, I can see that you're fairly new to The Mix, so I just wanted to welcome you and say that I appreciate this can't have been easy to type out, but we are all here for you and you've come to the right place if you want to be heard, not judged.
It sounds to me like you have a lot of concerns going on for you right now, starting with porn use. Watching porn can be a healthy, entertaining activity for a lot of people, but I can see that your experience is more surrounded by guilt. I wonder if you'd feel comfortable explaining a little further to me about your concerns, and perhaps why you feel it might affect future relationships too? Only whatever you're happy to share, it's just to help me understand how best to support you.
In terms of your phobia experience with your family, first of all I just want to say I am so sorry you went through something so scary for you, that must've been really hard. All phobias are valid and can create feelings of pure fear, whether they're in front of you, on the TV, or sometimes just even thinking about them. It can't have been easy being in a situation where you were afraid, and your family were telling you you shouldn't be. It sounds to me like they didn't have an accurate understanding of your feelings, does that sound right to you?
I can empathise with your feelings of being stuck and not knowing what to do. It sounds to me like you're unhappy with the way your family are treating you, but you're torn because your mum is wanting you to stay. I just wanted to pick up on your last point, you mentioned you feel you need to tolerate this treatment because family issues are common. I understand what you're saying about family issues happening fairly often, but in my view that doesn't mean you deserve any negative treatment because of that. I wonder if you have any idea what you feel would be best for you in terms of your living situation? Don't worry, I don't expect you to have any final big decisions, I'm just here to talk through your options if you feel that would be helpful.
Take care x
Ah I see, thanks so much for explaining more to help me understand. I think it's great that you've explored your concerns to try and gain more information and I hope those resources from your GP help with giving you some clarity
I'm so pleased that you agree family issues don't justify treatment you don't find acceptable. It sounds like you've come up with an living option that feels right for you, how have you found things this past week since considering this? x
I know you've already got some fab advice from @enorth1 so I won't pile on too much, I just wanted to let you know that the worries you have about watching porn are completely understandable, and I know that there is a lot of info out there that can cause a lot of fear, like who wants to hear that watching one video is going to cause permanent erectile dysfunction? and so I just wanted to reinforce the fact that some of these videos aren't always giving the exact truth and that learning what feels healthy for you can take some time, and it's certainly not nice to have that complicated by additional worries about physical health impacts! x I thought I'd link this article about what can make us feel so worried about our porn consumption, I hope it can be useful in some way xxx Huge hugs and hope things can become easier for you. xx
Firstly, I’m pleased you’ve found the resources useful, and very happy to read that things are feeling a little better with your family. There’s no pressure about contacting the housing agency, just do what feels right for you at the moment.
Ah I see, its sounding to me like you feel your friend is relying on you quite heavily. I can understand your decision to take some time away to look after your own mental wellbeing. I find that it’s not always easy to notice when things are getting overwhelming so it’s good that you’ve recognised this. I’m sorry to read that you don’t think your feelings around this would register with her, it can be hard to communicate your emotions with someone if you don’t think there is a mutual understanding. I hope you don’t mind me asking, I was wondering if you’ve ever had the opportunity to speak about similar feelings with her in the past? I’m just trying to get a better understanding, but only share what you’re happy to!
You’ve listed lots of experiences there that sounded really difficult for you, I can’t imagine how it must feel to have them all flashing back in a short space of time. Reading back I can see that you’ve felt condescended, rejected, judged and a handful, to name just a few of your feelings there. That is a lot for anyone to go through, so once again I’m so pleased you’ve reached out to share some of that burden. I can see that you just want to be heard and respected.
To break down your message further, it sounds to me like the people in your flashbacks have been acting in conflicting ways, like your dad apologising and then repeating his behaviour, your DSA mentor reassuring you but also saying your problems are small, and your DSA tutor and DSA mentoring manager speaking about strengths but to you coming across like they were having an opinion on your personality, as you say. I would imagine this to be quite confusing, I wonder if you feel the same? I'm just trying to get an accurate a picture as possible for how this must have been for you.
Having so much going on for you right now, I hope you feel able to look after yourself in between these flashbacks. Sending you lots of support and hugs xx
I know you've mentioned a few different things and the efforts you're making to try to better understand yourself, especially in terms of talking to Relate, which is fantastic! I just wanted to touch on the flashbacks that have really been bothering you. The impact of having unwanted memories flashing aggressively in our minds is definitely scary and in many ways frustrating because they affect our ability to do other things, like focusing as you mentioned. It seems as though these flashbacks are causing a big issue for you at the moment, and I was wondering if you wanted to talk about what makes them challenging? (no pressure of course!!) lots of hugs xxx
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/masturbation/masturbation-myths-23971.html
Regarding your friend, it sounds to me like you really explained how you felt about only speaking about her issues, so it's a shame she didn't feel able to consider your view. I think sometimes people can be unsure how to respond and get defensive, but that doesn't change how hard it must've been for you to feel heavily relied upon. It sounds as though you've taken control of the situation for your own wellbeing by taking a step back and reflecting on what you'd like to do next.
That's great that you felt able to meet up with friends recently. For me, when I'm feel overwhelmed, distractions such as seeing my friends really helps me, but I agree with you it can be so difficult to do things like self-care when you're going through something as intense as powerful thoughts. Speaking about your emotions can definitely be tricky, and I empathise with you about that. You've given me an excellent explanation so far of what's been going on for you recently, and that's really helped me to try and understand what things have been like from your perspective. That's brilliant that you've reached out to Kooth too, I hope they can help ease some of this burden for you x
That's so kind of you to check in with me! Thankfully for the moment I'm not experiencing any intense difficulties as such, but I know if I do have issues then I'm sure speaking things out with this lovely community would really help
Not paying for sessions is very reasonable, I mean all you want is to gain support and having to shell out cash for it always feels a bit ridiculous, right? What about NGY makes you feel a bit more optimistic about talking about your experiences?
It sounds like you have a lot you need to get off your chest and being able to get that all out with a professional sounds like a great idea, and extremely brave to be so committed to doing this! Where do you reckon you'd like to start, is any issue in particular causing you the most 'stark' pain, or is it more just an overwhelming 'mess' of emotions and memories? Thank you for coming back to me so fast on this, I'm really glad to get to talk to you
It's a huge concern that you need the support right now but simply are not getting it! In terms of the 3-month wait, does that mean you'll be able to access support around August-time or later than that?
Ah, thank you for explaining that, honestly you've expressed yourself so insightfully and clearly, it's brilliant. Although, reading how much you're struggling from all directions is certainly horrid. I can't imagine not only feeling unhappy and unsafe in your head but also in your home in terms of your family's perceptions of you. Being treated without additional support in situations like cooking is definitely not helpful, as it does not allow you to grow your skills and confidence!
I wonder how these conversations go with family, whether about cooking, spiders or the male gaze? Does it feel like an attack or a discussion, because it's certainly not nice when others leave us feeling excluded from our own home environment?
In terms of the cooking specifically (I know that's not the main concern right now), I have similar worries truth be told, especially about meat and I find this article helpful.
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/cooking-food-properly#:~:text=To test if food has,steaming hot in the middle.
I also wonder if you can spring for a cooking thermometer? I know they can be a hefty expense but it can assuage your fears about food not being cooked all the way through.
Ah, I get what you're saying, especially when conversations like that are so frequent it can be even more difficult to discern what the reality is, and sometimes I reckon it can be easy to unintentionally block out certain events or convos that cause us pain. So when it comes to trying to process them later in life, we're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place!
Feeling attacked regardless is never nice, and it's certainly true that you should be supported through things that you are deeply fearful of, rather than be mocked and laughed at! Sometimes people do not even realise how hurtful they are being until they are treated the same way.
One thing I do to try to subtly talk to my family about things that they have done that have hurt me is sending links to tweets and tiktoks of other people talking about their experiences and just adding my own comment to my family like 'this is so interesting' because it could indirectly get them to rethink their actions and choices (as well as my own of course). I only suggest this if you're not feeling too confrontational
No worries about the suggestions, I hope they might be of some use xxx