Why do I feel like kind people around me will get hurt by me?

Kate_20

Why do I feel like kind people around me will get hurt by me? I feel like a bad person and nobody should come near me. My ignorance will always hurt them. No matter how much effort I put into improving myself, I will alway hurt them. I am really bad at socialising with people. I have no problem starting the conversation but people will get hurt during talking. I am not making this up because several people told me they were hurt in the past when I did not realise I hurt them.

kaii

Hey @Kate_20 ,

Thank you for reaching out, I'm very sorry that you feel like this.

You are not a bad person; we all have traits that won't be everyone's cup of tea.

You could reflect on your interactions by asking yourself, what kind of things do I say when I'm talking to someone that make them feel hurt? And what did they say that I specifically did that made them feel hurt?

Hearing that you've hurt someone is upsetting, especially when that wasn't your intention at all. We all make mistakes, but not everyone wants to learn from them. The fact that you're trying to improve yourself amidst all this is amazing.

It could also be that your traits just don't appeal to these people - and that's perfectly fine. We can't please everyone.

Being sensitive to what happens around you is okay. But I hope you don't let these thoughts swallow you up. It will be okay.

Kate_20

@kaira_rubit I'm the only child so I may say something rude about someone's siblings without realising it because I don't know how it is like to have siblings. I may talk negatively about my mental health problems, which may offend people with similar problems as they may think I don't respect them. People were offended because I am ableist towards myself.

kaii

@Kate_20 Oh I see, that seems so difficult.

Maybe it would help to talk to trusted people about conversation topics such as interests and hobbies. If you're not comfortable talking to parents/carers, then you can talk to us about anything. The Anything Goes discussion forum is great for this as there's different discussion topics that you can talk about

When you mentioned talking negatively about your mental health, does this mean that you rant about what's on your mind at the wrong times? Or do you make self-loathing statements about mental health problems that you have which could make people think that you're ableist towards yourself?

AislingDM

I think it makes a lot of sense for you to feel so gutted about interactions where people have come away and said that you've hurt them. Knowing that you are not happy with the idea of hurting others is actually a really wonderful thing because it shows that even when you've unintentionally upset people you've overwhelming response is to try to understand and come to terms with how this has been done. Not everyone would be so self-aware and honest with themselves after being told something like that by another person @Kate_20

I reckon it's always tricky having conversations about anything complex like mental health needs and stuff because you never know what everyone's opinion is or what their perception of their own mental health might be. Plus if you're left feeling hopeless and depressed about your own mental health, there is no shame in being frank about that with others. I know this isn't much help in the way of feeling better about talking with others though.

It sounds like you really don't want to hurt others, and hearing that you have leaves you feeling despondent about any future convos, fearing that it might happen again. This is beyond reasonable especially because you want people to feel comfortable around you. I'm wondering if you'd want to change the way you talk about certain things, or whether you think that's not very reasonable as you should be true to yourself? (no judgement here, just wondering where you're at with this at the minute) xxxx

Maisy

Hi @Kate_20

We all mess up at times and unintentionally hurt others. Even if we try really hard not to, we may still find ourselves making mistakes, perhaps even repeatedly. This can be hard to realise, especially if others have told us that we have hurt them in the past (on the plus side, at least they were honest about it) and we didn’t even realise at the time.

However, this does not make you a bad person. You didn’t know that they were hurt at the time. Equally, it’s important to keep in my mind that we are not responsible for how other people feel. That is beyond our control and it’s important to keep this in mind because some people may take offense at a lot of things and we can’t always walk on eggshells trying to get it right.

The right people though will try to understand that you did not mean to cause offense. They will try to understand your point of view to help them realise that you didn’t mean to upset them.

The fact that you are concerned about the possibility of hurting others accidentally says a lot about you as a person and how caring you are that you don’t want to hurt others