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I never told him
One-in-a-million
Posts: 606 Incredible Poster
So my friend passed away in 2019 after a seizure. But I hadn’t spoken to him for a while between work and family I didn’t really have time. The thing is I never told him that I actually had feelings for him. I was going to but everyone said they were sure he was gay and I didn’t want to add any pressure by telling him I had feelings for him. One time while we were out a girl kept harassing him about how he seemed gay and he was getting upset so I told her to leave him alone. He then told me he wasn’t sure about his sexuality. I reassured him that I’d be there for him no matter what. I feel guilty for not speaking to him in a long time before his death. Part of it was because he was a party animal and I wasn’t meaning he’d often be out and I didn’t fancy going.
Then one day I was thinking about him and actually wanted to go out that weekend but I was busy and didn’t message him and then 2 days later I heard he’d passed away. I can’t believe I left it so long that I never got to tell him how I truly felt about him
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Comments
I am so so sorry you had to experience this. It must be so difficult to deal with. I really hope you aren't too hard on yourself about not talking before his death. Life can be busy and it is hard to keep up sometimes. I understand it must feel daunting not being able to tell him how you felt as you will never know his response. You seemed to be a good friend to him, defending him and sticking up for him. I am sure he would've appreciated that.
I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel like this.
It's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel now. It's difficult to deal with the death of your friend, especially when you feel like you could've done more. It's unfortunate that we cannot turn back time and that you couldn't tell him how you really felt.
I'm sure that your friend appreciated your support for him. Those reassuring words that you said to him was more than enough. You did everything you could - I'm sure your friend understood that you were busy and respected that you didn't like going out so much. We cannot always be there for the people you care about and that's okay - what's important is that you tried your best.
Do you have family or friends who you could talk to about this? It can help to let these feelings out. If you're not comfortable talking to family or friends, you can talk to us, we're here for you. Maybe writing down all that you wanted to say to your late friend as if he was still alive today could also help - again, this could help let all your feelings out, but I understand that it's upsetting not knowing what he could have said.
Sending my love,
Kai
It's no wonder you're left feeling so heartbroken and pained when you think of him and all the things you could have told him, this is beyond reasonable. I just wanted to say, it sounds like you were making every effort to do him a kindness and show compassion during your time as friends. You tried so hard to honour his feelings of confusion without piling on, and not everyone would show such love to their friends. You are a wonderful person and I hope talking here might help to take the burden of some of this pain
Like @kaira_rubit said, perhaps writing how you felt may be a good way to ease some of these emotions you feel and get any amount of closure (if that’s the right word).
Know that we are all here for you to listen to your thoughts and feelings and try and help you navigate your way through them (if you wish) but also know that how you are feeling is completely valid. And as they say, time is the best healer (even if we can’t always see it).
Sending you lots of love
Sinead