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Boyfriend has feelings for another girl
itsquietuptown
Posts: 36 Boards Initiate
For more background context see my previous discussion from last year titled 'Valid concerns or am I just being paranoid/unfair/insecure?'
My boyfriend has a friend he's known for 8/9 years and their families are friends and have always done stuff together in the summer. Throughout that time, he and she kind of had summer flings at varying levels, but nothing more serious than just talking a lot or holding hands (as far as I know). He's also known me for 7/8 years and alongside his summer flings with her we've liked each other on and off throughout that time. The summer of 2016 was quite bad because I liked him but he liked her and talked about holding hands with her and I felt really insecure. Then she started dating another boy, and in 2018 my boyfriend and I started dating.
Throughout our relationship he's still talked to her and done stuff with her family in the summer, and occasionally it's cause a bit of tension. Last summer we were in a bit of a rough patch having lived together during lockdown, probably way too soon, and largely because my mental health was making things very hard for me and I wasn't being that good to him. I went on holiday with my family and while I was away he and his family went to a camp, and she went to. At that camp, she told him she liked him and he didn't tell me about this until a week and a half later, but we were already having hard conversations about whether we should be together when we were both unhappy. After he told me about her telling him she liked him, we had a horrible month of very tough conversations and I was still struggling a lot with my mental health. In the end, we decided to stay together and work on being better.
We had a good few months, but now it's getting hard again. He says he set some sort of boundaries with her in the summer of what's too far when he's in a relationship, but they both still have feelings for each other. I feel very jealous and insecure about him talking to her, and it's so hard because how can I get over it when it's not irrational, there's literally a reason to feel like he's going to leave me? We talk about it regularly and we both know we have things to work on, for me it's managing my mental health, not letting my jealousy and insecurity make me angry with him for small things, and trying to be okay with him talking to her and doing things with her. I don't have any friends and he's literally all I have, so it makes me feel even more lonely when he wants to do stuff with someone else. I'm also scared that I should break up with him if their feelings for each other are just going to continue to cause issues in our relationship, because how can I stay with him and feel secure knowing that he likes someone else? He says they're not "saving" each other, as in keeping each other as their back up or just thinking that they're destined to be together, but it really feels like they are and that he only started dating me in the first place because she wasn't available. I love him more than anything but this is causing me so much pain and making my mental health struggles even harder to live with and I'm worried I should leave for my own good but that I'm only staying with him because without him I'd be completely online. He says he wants to be with me and I want to work on our issues, but there's a lot going on and I'm worried we won't be able to move past this.
This is a very messy ramble and I apologise, but does anyone have any advice for dealing with my boyfriend having feelings for someone else and how I can accept it and not be jealous/clingy/smothering? I'm scared of the answer to this, but am I doing the wrong thing by staying with him?
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My boyfriend has a friend he's known for 8/9 years and their families are friends and have always done stuff together in the summer. Throughout that time, he and she kind of had summer flings at varying levels, but nothing more serious than just talking a lot or holding hands (as far as I know). He's also known me for 7/8 years and alongside his summer flings with her we've liked each other on and off throughout that time. The summer of 2016 was quite bad because I liked him but he liked her and talked about holding hands with her and I felt really insecure. Then she started dating another boy, and in 2018 my boyfriend and I started dating.
Throughout our relationship he's still talked to her and done stuff with her family in the summer, and occasionally it's cause a bit of tension. Last summer we were in a bit of a rough patch having lived together during lockdown, probably way too soon, and largely because my mental health was making things very hard for me and I wasn't being that good to him. I went on holiday with my family and while I was away he and his family went to a camp, and she went to. At that camp, she told him she liked him and he didn't tell me about this until a week and a half later, but we were already having hard conversations about whether we should be together when we were both unhappy. After he told me about her telling him she liked him, we had a horrible month of very tough conversations and I was still struggling a lot with my mental health. In the end, we decided to stay together and work on being better.
We had a good few months, but now it's getting hard again. He says he set some sort of boundaries with her in the summer of what's too far when he's in a relationship, but they both still have feelings for each other. I feel very jealous and insecure about him talking to her, and it's so hard because how can I get over it when it's not irrational, there's literally a reason to feel like he's going to leave me? We talk about it regularly and we both know we have things to work on, for me it's managing my mental health, not letting my jealousy and insecurity make me angry with him for small things, and trying to be okay with him talking to her and doing things with her. I don't have any friends and he's literally all I have, so it makes me feel even more lonely when he wants to do stuff with someone else. I'm also scared that I should break up with him if their feelings for each other are just going to continue to cause issues in our relationship, because how can I stay with him and feel secure knowing that he likes someone else? He says they're not "saving" each other, as in keeping each other as their back up or just thinking that they're destined to be together, but it really feels like they are and that he only started dating me in the first place because she wasn't available. I love him more than anything but this is causing me so much pain and making my mental health struggles even harder to live with and I'm worried I should leave for my own good but that I'm only staying with him because without him I'd be completely online. He says he wants to be with me and I want to work on our issues, but there's a lot going on and I'm worried we won't be able to move past this.
This is a very messy ramble and I apologise, but does anyone have any advice for dealing with my boyfriend having feelings for someone else and how I can accept it and not be jealous/clingy/smothering? I'm scared of the answer to this, but am I doing the wrong thing by staying with him?
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Post edited by JustV on
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Comments
I don’t think it sounds like you’re being clingy or smothering at all, it sounds like you’re having quite a normal reaction to a situation that is really hard. And I hope we can help by chatting through it 💜
I know hearing such deeply vulnerable thoughts from the person you love the most must be pretty terrifying, especially when all you seek is reassurance that he is not going to leave you for her or that any residual feelings are not actually a real threat to the relationship. Having this worsened by overthinking must be quite isolating for you. I get that you both speak extremely frankly with one another, which is no easy feat! I just wanted to ask if you've been able to speak to any friends about their thoughts on the matter?
Also, I know you mentioned it not being possible for the three of you to become close as a trio, and I know this probably sounds like a silly question, but what makes you say that?
Huge hugs and know that we're always here for you no matter what xxx
I think it's amazing that you are both able to have such open and honest discussions, and it sounds to me like you both have explained your needs to each other clearly. Communication is such an important but difficult skill in a relationship, so I admire that you both are able to take the time to talk things through with each other
Lastly, I'm really sorry to read that don't have any friends anymore, has something happened that you'd like to share? No pressure at all, I just want you to know that we are always here to listen xx
As for friends, I was in my last year of secondary school when Covid first hit in 2020 and we left school in March not knowing when we'd go back, and then never went back because of how long it went on for. I stayed in touch with a few people and met up with a couple of them in the summer of 2020, but they all went away to uni and we gradually just messaged less and less until it stopped completely. In that last year of school I didn't really have any close friends anyway because there was some petty drama in my friendship group that split it apart and I ended up just spending my time with my boyfriend because I didn't want to take sides. It sounds so sad, and it makes me sad, but I haven't had a close friend for about three years. I think I did that typical thing of only wanting to spend time with my boyfriend when we first got together and then neglected my female friendships a bit. I've also struggled with my mental health basically since starting secondary school, and I did open up to a couple of friends but then those friendships ended and so I felt scared to open up again to other people in case they left too. I don't know how to make friends outside of a school setting, and I don't do anything where I can meet other people my age. I'm not close to my family so I don't really have anyone except my boyfriend, and he is amazing but I'm still very lonely. This is part of what fuels my jealousy about him talking to his friend because I just wish I had someone else to talk to or that I was enough for him to not need someone else to talk to. Sorry for rambling, with no one to talk to everything builds up in me quite a lot without my realising how much I just need someone to hear it. Thank you for being here for me.
Ah that makes so much sense to be honest, situations like this where it's almost like a competition between who will win your boyfriend's time for a given activity must be simply draining. Especially given that it's not crazy that you'd want to be the winner most of the time because you are his partner, but also because of the complex feelings you'll have towards the relationship the two of them have.
I think needing your boyfriend to affirm his feelings for you and almost disconfirm any romantic ones for her is going to come out in many ways, whether that's making jokes like you say or even just everyone avoiding any situation where the three of you have to interact together. Having to cope with all of these nuanced emotions alone must be immensely frustrating, because whilst you're keen to be honest with your boyfriend about all of your feelings, it's not exactly like you want to push a conversation towards an ultimatum.
Given that you've said the key thing holding you back from making friends with her is the awkwardness (which is beyond understandable) I reckon that this is actually a good position to be in, and rather a healthy one. A lot of people in your position would force an ultimatum out of understandable fear and insecurity, yet you are braving the idea of trying to make this work and to develop your own friendship which is very cool and respectable of you!!
I know you mentioned family events and situations like that are the main times where they see each other, so I wonder would you ever feel comfortable trying to go to one of those events. I reckon building a bridge would always be easier when there is less pressure of a one on one situation, so maybe having the backdrop of other people can minimise the stress. Perhaps being frank with your boyfriend about how you think this would be a good progression might help? Also I thought I should check, during your convos with your boyfriend, have you made the point about him trying to empathise with your situation? (i.e., how would he feel if you expressed these types of thoughts and feelings about a boy family friend) Sometimes we can't recognise the full extent of how our actions are received until we visualise them being done to us.
Big hugs again, hoping this can become less confusing for you
I’m so sorry to hear that covid has been a lonely time for you. It certainly isn’t easy maintaining friendships after school, particularly when you’re trying to navigate the pandemic and all of those feelings, plus, as you say, trying to keep on top of your mental health. It certainly takes a lot of courage to open up about mental health too, and I empathise with how it can be difficult to do it again after a bad experience. We are always here to talk anything through with you, to hopefully give you more positive experiences of sharing those parts of your life. In terms of meeting new people, as daunting as it can seem, I tend to search up my hobbies on social media and look for local events or clubs surrounding it. For example, I recently found that a local games shop has a ‘board games night’ which looks like fun. I find it helps to remember that everyone at these events has the common interest of your hobby, which is a great ice breaker. I’m not sure if this idea sounds like something you’d be interested in, but it's just one suggestion, and I’m happy to work through with you any other thoughts or ideas around this that you want to share. We’re always happy to listen to anything you want to speak about as well, so you don’t have to keep it all inside, and you never need to apologise for speaking with us about your feelings
If you're stuck with what to do next, in a relationship, ever - wait 20 minutes or so for any strong emotions to pass and the thinking brain comes back online after being hijacked by the emotional brain, and then do what you think you have to do!! doing what you think you have to do can come with risks though, it can end relationships which is why it's such an uncomfortable thing to do and we want to please people by doing things we don't want to do. however, if you be yourself, you'll find someone one day who loves you 100% for who you are, and not who you're pretending to be!!
i'm not saying at all that this is what is happening with you and your boyfriend, i wish you both all the best!! but it's very good general advice for anyone everywhere who has any relationship ever
It's a tough situation you're in though, but you've GOT THIS!!! sending big hugs
Ah, I can see what you mean definitely, feeling anxious and fearful about him spending so much time with her, especially when you are not around is certainly reasonable, especially given that the most recent time this happened, your relationship hit the rocks and left you feeling uncertain about his feelings for her. It's clear how much you care for him and the relationship, not least of all through your strong emotions of love and concern (in terms of you saying you just want to be able to relax and let him have fun) but also through your anxiety. You being worried reinforces that you value the relationship highly and that you want to make this work, and whilst I can definitely understand the logic of hiding the truth of your raw emotions from him, it may not be the best long-term strategy, especially if you aren't able to vent those feelings to anyone else properly (aside from here of course!!
Being frightened of pushing him away is very reasonable because no matter how hard we try, it can be tough to not make someone feel smothered when we are simply seeking reassurance. Nevertheless, as an outsider on the situation it feels clear to me that you deserve to be reassured properly, and that you are not strange for mistrusting her/him or any feelings of misgivings you might have. The fact that you are able to still be in support of their friendship (even though it is hurting so much inside) is immensely commendable, however the fact that he does not appear to be meeting you in the middle (e.g., creating casual meet-ups with you two and her) does not feel very fair to you, your emotions and especially your anxiety. I am definitely not suggesting that you end the relationship, however I think it's important that we consider what your boundaries are and trying as hard as possible to enforce them. because often when we feel so immensely anxious, but unable to share that with our partner, it means that one of our boundaries has been crossed. Perhaps it would be good if we consider, in the abstract, what your boundaries are in a relationship, rather than with him in particular, as that can unintentionally cloud our judgements? Hope that talking is helping
Why do you think giving him an ultimatum would be unreasonable given your feelings around this uncertainty causing you pain, suffering, and is making you wish you didn’t exist? If it is affecting you this much then it matters. You do not deserve to feel like a placeholder or someone’s second choice and I am so sorry if this is how you feel. You deserve to feel loved and secure in your relationship and certainly not a second option.
As for the jealousy where do you think this comes from? Do you feel you are enough as a person? Does the jealousy come from a sense of lack in yourself? What do you need out of a romantic relationship? Why does your boyfriend think it is weird for all of you to be friends?
Do you have any hobbies of your own or anything you are interested in that you could pursue on your own? I think this could be a great skill for increasing your confidence by accomplishing things independently whilst possibly providing an outlet for meeting new people and forming new friendships. This could make you feel less reliant on your boyfriend to fill in the loneliness and may make you feel less afraid of losing him as you could gain new relationships through meeting new people.
I wanted to respect his feelings and wishes, but we were due to go on a trip a week later so in talking about the logistics of potentially taking a break we basically realised it wouldn't work then. He was saying he never wants to lose me as a friend and implying that a break wouldn't mean not seeing each other, but I don't think either of us could manage to only be friends like that and we did talk about that which made us even more upset because we love each other so much and want to be together but everything is so hard. We agreed we'd come back to the discussion at another time, and I have tried to bring it up again since but going on the trip kind of prevented that happening and we haven't really talked properly about it since getting back.
The trip was good, but it did feel a bit weird and like he was trying to only be friends with me, and he's become a lot more hesitant to say he loves me which hurts. Yesterday and today have been hard for me because he's spent time with the other girl again and we talked about it before he went, with him not wanting to feel like he has to ask permission but also acknowledging that it's hard for me, and I truly wanted to be okay with it and I thought I could because I know if I'm horrible about it then I'll push him away and that makes him want to spend time with her even more. I tried hard in the beginning to be okay and not say anything snarky or whatever, but then their plans changed unexpectedly and he ended up spending more time with her and doing something that I like to do with him which made me feel upset. He's barely been messaging me and I feel so alone. I've felt so anxious all day today thinking that something will happen between them because they've been alone and they went swimming in the sea and I just feel so insecure and hurt, and also scared that I've said something to make him not want to be with me.
I've been wondering today if I might have BPD, because for a few years I've kind of recognised myself within the symptoms and now with this situation I feel so afraid of him leaving me and find it so hard to manage my emotions around it, and it feels like I'm not myself when I get anxious or upset about it and then I say things that push him away and damage our relationship even though that's not what I want. I didn't fully disagree with him about the idea of taking a break because we are quite codependent, but I don't think I could manage to be just friends with him because I love him too much and it would be so painful. I want to find a way to just be us, whatever that looks like on each day, and not feel the pressure of being boyfriend and girlfriend, because I think that's partly what was getting to him.
I've suggested it to him but he still hasn't had a conversation with his friend about their feelings and whether she's over him or if they think they'll never be over each other, so he still thinks about the possibility of being with her which makes it very hard to work on our relationship. In about a month she and her family will be going away to New Zealand for two months, and my boyfriend is a bit sad about it because he's used to doing things with her in the summer, and he's made snarky comments about how I must be happy about it. I feel guilty that I am, but I also think it might give us the space to work on everything. However I am quite anxious that they'll end up talking about feelings before she goes or that something might happen between them.
Sorry for the long message, I haven't got anyone to talk to other than my boyfriend so everything weighs on me quite a lot and it's hard to deal with and I haven't been coping in healthy ways. I want to just have a good summer with my boyfriend and do fun things and remember why we're together, but I've started a new job which is going to limit our time and I'm scared that for the next few weeks before his friend goes to NZ he'll spend time with her whenever I'm busy. I think it feels rubbish for both of us that he basically has to choose between me and her, but he doesn't seem to want to commit to moving on from her. I also can't help feeling suspicious because he's so secretive about messaging her and will say he's messaging his mum even when I can see it's her, and I don't think he ever talks to her about me. It sucks because he keeps saying he doesn't like how he always has to consider my feelings when he wants to spend time with her, but he'll consider hers and not talk about me because that would probably hurt her. I think we'll probably end up talking about it soon after them spending time together today and I just hope I'll be able to stay somewhat calm and rational.
Sorry again for how long this is, and thank you for checking in and if you manage to make sense of all or some of what I said.
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From what you have shared, I get the sense that you are both in slightly different places in terms of how to work out what the future holds, and that from your perspective, you were keen to keep some kind of connection, whilst allowing some space to process things. It can be really tough when it feels like we need to fight hard to keep hold of something that we care deeply about, but that we aren't ultimately able to stop things breaking up. It is a tricky balance when looking to the future and what that may bring. Time can change things, but also, it may not. Perhaps one way of looking at it is that if you start doing some of the hard work in processing the break up and feeling ready to move on, if you do end up getting back together, then that is a bonus, but if not, then you have developed some really great coping skills and you may find someone new who creates those feelings of safety and love that you have had in this relationship.
I totally get that it can feel cold to receive this news over text, particularly given how close you were. I wonder, do you feel able to share with him that it would be helpful for you to find some time where you could meet up and talk things through. You could be clear that you aren't trying to change his mind, but that it would be helpful for you to have that moment where you do hug him and cry. Having those moments of closure can do wonders in the process of grieving a break up.
There are a few articles on The Mix about break ups that you may find useful to have a read through, in particular, this article talks through how to get over a break up or there is this one on how to mend a broken heart.
Do continue to reach out for support as there are likely to be some ups and downs as you continue to process all of this. It is likely that there will be a few reminders (the anniversary present being a good example) that come up from time to time that make you miss all the good things about your relationship. At these times, it's important to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling in that moment, it can hurt and that is okay, but if we let those feelings out and talk to someone about it, they can get easier to cope with.
We are all here for you
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I agree with @Ed_ , break ups can be hard, especially in the beginning. But it's really positive that you are taking action to look after yourself during a difficult time, both in reaching out on here and looking into the possibility of therapy. Self-care and reflection really can be one of the best remedies during a break up.
Having to navigate changes in your routine, like not spending the weekend staying at his house, must feel really tricky right now. Maybe now would be a good opportunity to fill this time with new hobby's or activities (or even doing things you already like to do more), if you feel up for it? Or even starting new routines with yourself on the weekend?
Some ideas could be:
*Going on walks
*Listening to a podcast
*Joining a club (which could also be a great way to meet new people and friends)
*Drawing
*Exercise
*Meditation
*Starting a new TV series (I find the funny ones help
*Having a pamper evening
Space can feel scary, especially when there isn't an end date on when this time apart will end. But space can also be helpful for you both to figure out what you individually need to recover from the breakup. It's hard to heal a wound if it keeps being reopened, like the phone call this morning that was nice but in the end left you feeling hurt. I understand how you might feel worried to lose touch with someone you care about, it's okay to feel like this especially when a relationship changes. One way to overcome this could be to re-label this time apart, as time you have gained to focus on making yourself feel good again. Setting small goals each day (like making your bed or starting a new book) that you can tick off can really be a good motivation and is a great way of seeing how far you've come, if you feel like giving that a go?
Time truly is the best healer, there will be ups and downs throughout this journey but try to be kind to yourself and take every day as it comes. There's no rush, take your time, you are doing amazing.
Throughout this entire process you have been deeply understanding, compassionate and patient and to have things ended in a manner that feels so callous (i.e., via text) must feel like a huge emotional blow, as his actions seem not to match up to the care you have continually showed him. Plus, having to consider his points about things maybe working out must leave you all the more confused about how to live your life day-to-day because he's so integral to so many parts about it and because you're still talking it's only reasonable to maintain this idea of hope that things will work out.
Again, it's like this limbo of not knowing how to proceed because you're thinking of all the sharp memories of amazing times you have had together and all the love you feel for him, but it's like 'moving on' is not in the realm of possibility because he has sort of left you emotionally tied up by suggesting this break up could be just what you need to come back together. And whilst I know this will be awful to hear, this is not fair of him. You deserve to be able to find peace with this pain that has been caused for such a long period of time. It's such a complicated situation, especially as you are aware of this other girl's presence in his life and querying whether he will 'come back' to you once she has left is reasonable, but you are certainly entitled to more honesty and respect than he is paying you.
You are such a kind and truthful person, and your openness and vulnerability both in person and on The Mix is nothing short of inspiring and because of that I want you to know that you deserve to be loved in the way that you need, not in the way he has shown it to you. You are a wonderful person who is entitled to warmth and gentleness and I am hoping that we can support you through this, no matter how your emotions might look.
This article on coping with breakups for people with BPD is truly insightful, and as the author is speaking from their own experiences, I am hoping this will be a good window into understanding some of your nuanced and intense emotions right now.
https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/January-2021/Healing-from-Heartbreak-with-BPD
Finally, I couldn't agree more with the tips that have already been shared about how to try to cope, I think they're really awesome. I just wanted to add that taking each day as it comes it often the best way to cope especially immediately after the breakup, because than you can stop yourself as much as possible from thinking about the originally planned future that you have mentioned. Also, you definitely deserve to give yourself space to cry, to vent, to be angry, to feel anything that comes to you and we will be here to talk about it all. You are a brilliant person and I hope you will know how much I am here to support you in finding some calm, and eventually happiness