Toxic Friendship Group

Hi so I am currently in a group of about 10, 3 girls and 7 boys most of them I have known since primary school, I am now year 11 and some over the last few years. All they do nowadays is either meet-up to drink in a park or go to the gym, they never want to do anything different, when I suggest something else I just get ignored on text. And lately, all they do is whenever I speak or anything I either get ignored or spoken over and absolutely no one cares about me or anything. This makes me feel so horrible and like make me think what is wrong with me, why do they do this to me. I have talked to them before about it and guess what they pretended like they care and then just carry on. And one girl makes up so much stuff about everyone and spreads fake rumours, she started calling me Nazi cunt behind my back because I’m part German as well as fat cunt etc. she also spread rumours in the past that apprently I hate women (which I do not in any way), I just told her she could take the bus to meet-up and she is very posh and wouldn’t ever dream of taking public transport. She made up rumours about another girl (Izzy) who used to be in my group, she was by far the nicest person and most caring and they just made her feel so bad that she left the group and now I feel like they are doing this to me. I was wondering if anyone here had any advice, do you think I should ditch them and try find some others to hangout with? I have like a deep anxiety of being alone or sitting alone at lunch like just the thought of it makes me upset. And I don’t think I can go hangout in Izzy’s group because it’s an all girls group and the rest of the girls in that group I don’t think would like me.

(Really sorry for this insanely long vent)

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Former Member

good_potato wrote: »

Hi so I am currently in a group of about 10, 3 girls and 7 boys most of them I have known since primary school, I am now year 11 and some over the last few years. All they do nowadays is either meet-up to drink in a park or go to the gym, they never want to do anything different, when I suggest something else I just get ignored on text. And lately, all they do is whenever I speak or anything I either get ignored or spoken over and absolutely no one cares about me or anything. This makes me feel so horrible and like make me think what is wrong with me, why do they do this to me. I have talked to them before about it and guess what they pretended like they care and then just carry on. And one girl makes up so much stuff about everyone and spreads fake rumours, she started calling me Nazi cunt behind my back because I’m part German as well as fat cunt etc. she also spread rumours in the past that apprently I hate women (which I do not in any way), I just told her she could take the bus to meet-up and she is very posh and wouldn’t ever dream of taking public transport. She made up rumours about another girl (Izzy) who used to be in my group, she was by far the nicest person and most caring and they just made her feel so bad that she left the group and now I feel like they are doing this to me. I was wondering if anyone here had any advice, do you think I should ditch them and try find some others to hangout with? I have like a deep anxiety of being alone or sitting alone at lunch like just the thought of it makes me upset. And I don’t think I can go hangout in Izzy’s group because it’s an all girls group and the rest of the girls in that group I don’t think would like me.

(Really sorry for this insanely long vent)

Hi there,

No worries, your always allowed to have a space to vent, we are here to support you whenever you need it.

Thank you for telling us what's going on in your life that's a big step to do so we'll done!

They don't sound like nice people, if they or ( her ) are verbally abusing you then I'd tell someone, friend you trust, family member, etc as that's not fair on you as you deserve to be respected.

Them not hearing or taking the time to even question or even talk about your idea is a sign you deserve to get better friends who will respect your decision, and will hear what your trying to say.

I am awfully sorry the group made you feel so bad you question your own welf, you do CARE you have every right to feel safe and you deserve a friendship group who respect you and don't say things to you that cause you to upset.

I'm adding a link to healthy friendship group:

https://janebluestein.com/2013/healthy-vs-unhealthy-friendships/

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/news/how-would-you-define-healthy-friendship

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/types-bullying/bullying-cyberbullying/

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/friends/friendships/

Here is a link from the mix website about bullying and support you can access:

https://www.themix.org.uk/bullying-support

Take care,

Leila

Former Member

Sunbathequeen wrote: »

Hi there,

No worries, your always allowed to have a space to vent, we are here to support you whenever you need it.

Thank you for telling us what's going on in your life that's a big step to do so we'll done!

They don't sound like nice people, if they or ( her ) are verbally abusing you then I'd tell someone, friend you trust, family member, etc as that's not fair on you as you deserve to be respected.

Them not hearing or taking the time to even question or even talk about your idea is a sign you deserve to get better friends who will respect your decision, and will hear what your trying to say.

I am awfully sorry the group made you feel so bad you question your own welf, you do CARE you have every right to feel safe and you deserve a friendship group who respect you and don't say things to you that cause you to upset.
[/quote]

Thank you, I’ll take a look at that and yea I think I just have to take the plunge and try something different ig I can always go back to them

Former Member

good_potato wrote: »

Sunbathequeen wrote: »

Hi there,

No worries, your always allowed to have a space to vent, we are here to support you whenever you need it.

Thank you for telling us what's going on in your life that's a big step to do so we'll done!

They don't sound like nice people, if they or ( her ) are verbally abusing you then I'd tell someone, friend you trust, family member, etc as that's not fair on you as you deserve to be respected.

Them not hearing or taking the time to even question or even talk about your idea is a sign you deserve to get better friends who will respect your decision, and will hear what your trying to say.

I am awfully sorry the group made you feel so bad you question your own welf, you do CARE you have every right to feel safe and you deserve a friendship group who respect you and don't say things to you that cause you to upset.

Thank you, I’ll take a look at that and yea I think I just have to take the plunge and try something different ig I can always go back to them

[/quote]

We are here whenever you need us, taking little steps is good, rather then going all in then making a mess!

Hugs!

Leila

Former Member

Hey, that sounds like not a great situation. I would say that if they make you feel like that you should maybe find someone else to hang out with but I understand that feeling of anxiety when you don’t have anyone to talk to. Do you think you’d be able to talk to them about this in person? Or someone else about the things they’ve been saying, because it sounds like they’ve been saying some terrible things. I hope you get it sorted soon x

AislingDM

That sounds like an absolutely devastating situation to be in. To go from being appreciated and having fun with a group to being ostracised and left out must be beyond confusing, as well as isolating. It's no wonder your anxiety is increasing so much at the moment. It's especially horrid to be spoken to in such a degrading manner by anyone, let alone people who you have known for years and the fact that the rest of the group is not coming up to stand up for you is immensely wrong to. A friendship group should be one of happiness, love and support, not a place where you feel unwelcome and like you don't know where you stand.

I think it's pretty telling that Izzy was made to feel so uncomfortable that she had to leave the group, almost like this is an ongoing pattern of behaviour which is not a warming thought at all. I can't even imagine how drained you've been left feeling suffering in this way.

Even without some of the more upsetting aspects of this friendship, I think it's important that you've mentioned that the activities everyone is doing do not fit in with everything you'd like to do. This is really important as well because friendship groups should be keen to try out new things that matter to all of the individuals, not just the activities that some enjoy.

I know the idea of moving away from this group must be rather daunting, not least of all because of the fear of being alone at school and out of it, but also because you've known these people for so very long, you're bound to have conflicting feelings about the whole situation. Despite this, I am beyond certain that you deserve better than this, you should be treated with kindness and respect by those closest to you and I really believe the first step to this is looking for new friends. I know you mentioned Izzy's group being all-girls but maybe you could talk to her about how you're feeling because she's probably better than others at empathising with your experiences and so might welcome you?

Another thought is, are there any other people at school or outside of it that you get on with? Even if they are not your top besties, people that make you laugh or that you can talk to during lessons? Deepening the friendships with people like this could be a really good start.

Finally, I just want to say, thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable here with us, you deserve a lot better and I hope you can find that soon

Huge hugs xxx

Former Member

Hey @good_potato
Generally when you have been friends with people for this long you tend to outgrow eachother and go your separate ways- which isn't a bad thing it just shows you are growing and changing through life. But also with this situation I think they are being very horrible to you with the way they are talking and I think it would be best to distance yourself / spend some time alone. This way, with some distance, you are able to see clearly how they are negatively impacting you. You definitely deserve better and you will find people who respect you and fit well into your life. Good luck.